Feeling sick. Abusive “ex” and his wife and child have moved to my small home town. What happens if I “speak out”?

[LundyBancroftwasworththeread]

I had a very brief “relationship” with this man at University many years ago. (I use inverted commas because it was very short-lived; around two months and we never actually went on a date, just visited each other a lot in halls of residence). He was emotionally abusive from the start although I didn’t recognise this until I discovered mumsnet a few years ago. He did a huge amount of damage in that very short time.

After we broke up (he ended it) he treated me with absolute contempt while I was desperate for us to get on as we lived next door to each other and were part of the same social circle. There were so many occasions when I bent over backwards to be friendly while he treated me as being unworthy of even the most basic respect. It was the most awful year of my life and it took me years to feel I’d properly got over it.

After not giving this man a second thought for ages now, I have just found out that he is living in my small home town with his wife (who I also knew) and young child. I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better.

The only way I feel I can deal with this is by being completely open and honest about the situation with people. I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant and not be able to explain why I have suddenly gone quiet and started shaking were he to walk in or why I need to leave somewhere quickly if I have to. I don’t want to have the whole traumatic conversation with people under such conditions; I’d rather they were up to speed on the basics so I can just say “he’s here” and they’ll understand what that means for me. I have started telling people already and it has definitely helped and I now have some real life support but at the same time I am incredibly uneasy about the situation as this was something I didn’t ever intend to discuss with anyone other than those closest to me.

My main issue now is how to behave if or more likely when I bump into him/them? I can’t very well be civil when I’m going around telling people that this man is an abuser. And the last time I saw him I was falling over myself to be friendly and I worry that if he were to approach me he would be expecting the same. I don’t want him to come anywhere near me and I don’t want to so much as even have to acknowledge him if I pass him on the street but he won’t know this and may try to approach me any way. I would be ok with telling him I don't want to have to so much as acknowledge him and the reason for this if I came across him on his own but this would be totally inappropriate if he had his child with him or something. I can’t avoid him forever either and even if I could, it would eventually get back to him/them that I have been telling people about the abuse. I am worried what will happen when they find out. Should I write to him to make him aware of what I am saying? He will find out somehow someday any way. I am just feeling totally lost at the moment. Please could someone offer some advice?

Trauma and how our conscious handles it, is a complex thing. Our experiences and physiologies are different andone woman's EA bastard is the next woman's twat. Which means none of us can tell you you're not entitled to feel the way you do.

However, it is a terrible shame that your traumatic experience has still such potency. It sounds like you've worked very hard and overcome a lot, to have the life you have today. Don't let this cloud from you past cast a shadow over the woman that you've become.

I think the boy who ended the relationship with the girl who hit him when she was drunk did the right thing. Having been hit myself, I just don't feel anybody sensible owes second/third/fourth chances. I regret that I didn't walk away the first time my x was abusive.

lundy if you're still reading, I hope this thread illustrates perfectly why you can't tell anybody in your small town that he was abusive. A few might get it and be supportive without hesitation, but others won't get it, and yoou will feel betrayed and let down, so badly. The loyalty that you don't feel you're getting will be much harder to deal with than keeping quiet about it.

Obviously it's not great for you that you're still in that bad place where you care, where you need people's loyalty (if lines are drawn) but you are and I'm glad women's aid were kind to you becauuse they are experts and they get that it's not how many weeks you were abused that makes the difference, it's how you are left feeling afterwards that matters.

"I think I will sign off now. I'm not getting to discuss what I wanted to discuss and I am going to try to get more support from other sources."

OP you've had loads of support. Just because people don't agree with your point of view, and aren't agreeing with your perspective doesn't mean they're not supportive. But you're STILL externalising when the nub of this is your own perspective.

And I don't remember anyone appointing Alice as the judge and jury on what's sppropriate and basically "what we should all think."
It really IS nonsense to equate all abuse. And it demeans those who have suffered. It's not being an "abuse apologist" - how insulting.

And no Lundy, his friends aren't on here. How preposterous.

Red, nobody equated all abuse. They said the label has a wide band. I don't know why you're on this thread. You are not offering the OP anything useful. Making somebody feel distressed and foolish is what you have contributed.

I read one of Alice's posts (not sure which) and thought she sounded like she understood completely and gave very good advice.

It's not being an "abuse apologist" - how insulting.

Don't know if you meant my pp, Red, but if so please take it in context. I didn't say anything about equating all abuse as being an abuse apologist.
I said DD&FB's para about her bf's DD came over, to me, that she thought the girl in question was being treated unfairly. Thus she was being an abuse apologist. I may have read into it what DD&FB didn't mean. Or not.

But I certainly didn't say what you implied. Jeez.

I think everything that DontDrinkAndFacebook has said is perfectly sensible. It's not fair or accurate to represent her meaning by pulling one or two phrases out of her long post out of the carefully-explained context she wrote them in. It is absolutely sensible to try and put our experiences into perspective and take action when that perspective seems skewed or a response is disproportionate. That isn't minimising: it is a cornerstone of self-help and protecting our own emotional and mental health.

Everyone who has made suggestions about trying another therapist or counselling approach is right. Healing after bad experiences isn't always easy- it is often challenging, in fact, and needs real work and a willingness to explore difficult issues and feelings. 'Labelling' your experiences is easy; resolving your conflict about it sometimes isn't.

Externalising a problem can help in the immediate situation- it gives you the strength to remove yourself from a damaging relationship. Long after that danger has passed, however, if you are still experiencing traumatic effects, then the work you need to do involves looking inwards to resolve that conflict, and that's why therapy is going to do more to address that than confronting the person who gave rise to these feelings ever will.

Morning all. Could we have a bit of peace and love over here do you think? This thread seems to be wandering rather unhelpfully off topic and we think it probably isn't the place for a discussion about what makes one form of abuse worse than another. It's not going to help the OP and, in a wider sense, we'd hate for someone in an abusive situation to read this thread and conclude that their case is not 'bad' enough for them to complain. Thank you!

I'm going to withdraw from this thread, not that I've contributed much anyway. I'm trying to recover from a long, abusive relationship (still v. Early days) and wonder if I have taken DD&FB out of context? I may have done as things can be triggering.
If so, I apologise DD&FB. I'm probably not in a fit state to be contributing to Relationship threads. Think I'll stick to Trivial Threads.

Said I wouldn't be back but I thought I'd update with what Womens' Aid and the Counsellor have said. I haven't read any of the comments since my last post but I may or may not do so after I've posted this.

Womens' Aid took everything very seriously and even offered me refuge accommodation on the basis of my very brief summary of the situation (short term and casual relationship with an emotionally abusive man more than a decade ago and this man has now moved to my town and I'm struggling). They said that emotional abuse was as bad as violence and that I shouldn't minimise it by calling it "just" emotional abuse which surprised me as while I would expect them to say that the effects are no less serious, it is something quite difference to say the are as bad as each other. They offered refuge accommodation either long term or on a respite basis. I haven't taken the offer up but thought I should mention it just in case anyone reads this thread and thinks they haven't been abused enough to merit this kind of help. They will even pay your rent (for your own house or flat) while you are there. I suppose if you genuinely do not see a distinction between violence and emotional abuse then their refuge policy is consistent with this stance (unless it was just the stance of the individual rather than the organisation - not sure how these things work).

They also thought it was a good idea to be honest and open about the abuse with my friends and family and the people I spend time with so I've been telling people and everyone is being really wonderful. They also suggested approaching him and saying what I felt I had to say if I saw him although I'm not sure about this yet. The person also said that the length of the relationship is often less significant than the intensity of the abuse and how suddenly it comes on when it comes to the damage inflicted even though I hadn't told her how intense it was when she said this. I have wondered about this before. It was the only aspect of the abuse that was completely atypical.

They were also able to set me up with some free counselling and I had my first session a week ago. The counsellor said that I am displaying the classic symptoms of PTSD from the initial abuse. Strangely she has another customer/patient in a very similar position; she also felt she'd dealt with the abuse at the time it happened, moved on and had a normal, happy and healthy life for twenty years but was then triggered by something and is now back to feeling like it all just happened yesterday, having panic attacks and barely leaving the house. Her abusive man is dead though so she isn't even at risk of running into him.

I'm not really sure what to make of the PTSD thing. I had always associated it with soldiers and people who have experienced physical traumas but the counsellor said that anything significantly traumatic can cause it. Everything I read seems to fit but also says there is no definitive cure for it so it might be something I never get over if the counselling doesn't help. I'm not sure if there's any value in pursuing an actual diagnosis, I would presume a doctor would have to do this. Any way, I may or may not read any responses to this as they just stress me out even more but I'm sure there will be others who read them if anyone wants to say anything. Probably about how Women's Aid are wasting their resources [sceptical]

Said I wouldn't be back but I thought I'd update with what Womens' Aid and the Counsellor have said. I haven't read any of the comments since my last post but I may or may not do so after I've posted this.

Womens' Aid took everything very seriously and even offered me refuge accommodation on the basis of my very brief summary of the situation (short term and casual relationship with an emotionally abusive man more than a decade ago and this man has now moved to my town and I'm struggling). They said that emotional abuse was as bad as violence and that I shouldn't minimise it by calling it "just" emotional abuse which surprised me as while I would expect them to say that the effects are no less serious, it is something quite difference to say the are as bad as each other. They offered refuge accommodation either long term or on a respite basis. I haven't taken the offer up but thought I should mention it just in case anyone reads this thread and thinks they haven't been abused enough to merit this kind of help. They will even pay your rent (for your own house or flat) while you are there. I suppose if you genuinely do not see a distinction between violence and emotional abuse then their refuge policy is consistent with this stance (unless it was just the stance of the individual rather than the organisation - not sure how these things work).

They also thought it was a good idea to be honest and open about the abuse with my friends and family and the people I spend time with so I've been telling people and everyone is being really wonderful. They also suggested approaching him and saying what I felt I had to say if I saw him although I'm not sure about this yet. The person also said that the length of the relationship is often less significant than the intensity of the abuse and how suddenly it comes on when it comes to the damage inflicted even though I hadn't told her how intense it was when she said this. I have wondered about this before. It was the only aspect of the abuse that was completely atypical.

They were also able to set me up with some free counselling and I had my first session a week ago. The counsellor said that I am displaying the classic symptoms of PTSD from the initial abuse. Strangely she has another customer/patient in a very similar position; she also felt she'd dealt with the abuse at the time it happened, moved on and had a normal, happy and healthy life for twenty years but was then triggered by something and is now back to feeling like it all just happened yesterday, having panic attacks and barely leaving the house. Her abusive man is dead though so she isn't even at risk of running into him.

I'm not really sure what to make of the PTSD thing. I had always associated it with soldiers and people who have experienced physical traumas but the counsellor said that anything significantly traumatic can cause it. Everything I read seems to fit but also says there is no definitive cure for it so it might be something I never get over if the counselling doesn't help. I'm not sure if there's any value in pursuing an actual diagnosis, I would presume a doctor would have to do this. Any way, I may or may not read any responses to this as they just stress me out even more but I'm sure there will be others who read them if anyone wants to say anything. Probably about how Women's Aid are wasting their resources [sceptical]

Good on you Lundy and thank you for sharing...I am sure your post, full of honesty and useful information, will help someone else in need. I never knew Woman's Aid could help re. past abuse and it has given me food for thought about my past experience. I feel like it's just what I wanted to hear at this time in my life, about the impact of even a short term of abuse and the aftershocks in your life. And not keeping it secret.

One possibility is to take the power away from him by acknowledging him, ie waving at him in a cheerful fashion. Speaking from experience I can say it works

Seriously? Woman's Aid have offered you refuge accommodation because an ex-shag from 16 years who was admittedly an unpleasant wanker as an 18/19 yr old, has moved to your town?

Gosh. How wonderful that they have such extensive resources.

I'm not sure why people keep referring scornfully to the abuse lasting only 2 months. The OP has said more than once that while the relationship lasted 2 months she had to live next door to him and put up with deeply unpleasant behaviour for a year in total.

When I was at Uni I had a very brief liaison (not even a real relationship, and nowhere near as long as two months) with a very manipulative and abusive man. I saw the light and bailed quickly, but he terrified me for the rest of my time at Uni, simply on sight. I gave him a very wide berth. While I don't ever think of him now, I was prompted to by this thread.

It would be very difficult to explain my feelings about him, except to one of the other women he targeted. Some men are truly predatory and irredeemably hostile to women. The clever ones manipulate you before you relaise what's happening, and always have plausible deniability.There is nothing so crude as delivering a slap in public that would show everyone what they are like, the meltdowns and putdowns can be explained away as emotional damage from upbringing or other relationships, provocation by the woman or whatever.

If the man in the OP is like this, I can very well understand she will still be seriously affected by it all these years later. That said, I agree with SGB about minimising the drama. He has no power over the OP now and ignoring him is the best policy. Anyone other than very close friends and family can just be told OP was at university with him and he's totally vile, so she doesn't want to have anything to do with him.

Let's hope that no woman in real need of a refuge space is turned away due to you taking one up.

you can choose to leave this relationship in the past, a uni fling with someone who treated you horribly any years ago. You are now older and wiser and wouldn't accept such treatment and are making a success of your life- great. He has a wife, child and who knows how he remembers it, if indeed he does.
Or you can create a big drama, tell all your friends, confront him , move to a refuge etc etc. but why? What will you gain? You need to move on and all the histrionics are not helping. It was years ago, it was short lived, he was an idiot, don't give him headroom! This is in the past, leave it there!
A counsellor cannot diagnose ptsd by the way, you would need a clinical diagnosis.
Good luck with moving on with your life.

And to say you will never get over this is nonsense, you have lived your life fine without psd symptoms for years. Crack on.

OP, PTSD treatment has come a long way in the past few years and the outlook now is much more promising than it used to be. There is a new technique called EMDR which is a very effective treatment, so you could look for a therapist who has certification in this.

strictly and Janice, shame on you. What do you do for an encore, picket A&E and complain that anyone not terminal should piss off home?

pocket I was very surprised that Woman's Aid have the resources to offer refuge accommodation to the OP and offer to pay her rent whilst she's there, presumably indefinitely, as she may never recover from her post-traumatic stress disorder from this man.

I do think it's wonderful that they have the resources to be so generous. Woman's Aid is such a vital charity and it's brilliant that they're so well funded.

Yes it's wonderful they're so well funded. I had no idea.

Surprised and if I'm honest, disappointed, at women's aids position on this. I had a lot of sympathy for them and signed petitions which helped them secure an additional 10m finding for precisely these type of refuges only last November.

im told the women's aid refuges are under considerable stress financially already, that this local service groups is making places available in this sort of circumstance is tragic when other service groups around the country are turning away people in serious danger.

Surely there should be some mechanism by which this obviously well funded group can pass funds to service groups facing severe challenges?

It also makes me question women's aid generally. Surely their priority is supporting the most at risk people? This smacks of local government budgetingn where they give away money ineffectively at the year end simply to show they spent it to secure the same grant level going forward.

Let's hope that no woman in real need of a refuge space is turned away due to you taking one up.

If you could be bothered to read what the OP said rather than just being nasty about one thing early in her post, you would notice she said she isn't taking up the offer.

Not yet soup dragon. Who knows what'll happen if she happens to spot him in Tesco though? If she's this traumatised at the very thought of it she might well change her mind about that refuge space.