Feeling sick. Abusive “ex” and his wife and child have moved to my small home town. What happens if I “speak out”?

[LundyBancroftwasworththeread]

I had a very brief “relationship” with this man at University many years ago. (I use inverted commas because it was very short-lived; around two months and we never actually went on a date, just visited each other a lot in halls of residence). He was emotionally abusive from the start although I didn’t recognise this until I discovered mumsnet a few years ago. He did a huge amount of damage in that very short time.

After we broke up (he ended it) he treated me with absolute contempt while I was desperate for us to get on as we lived next door to each other and were part of the same social circle. There were so many occasions when I bent over backwards to be friendly while he treated me as being unworthy of even the most basic respect. It was the most awful year of my life and it took me years to feel I’d properly got over it.

After not giving this man a second thought for ages now, I have just found out that he is living in my small home town with his wife (who I also knew) and young child. I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better.

The only way I feel I can deal with this is by being completely open and honest about the situation with people. I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant and not be able to explain why I have suddenly gone quiet and started shaking were he to walk in or why I need to leave somewhere quickly if I have to. I don’t want to have the whole traumatic conversation with people under such conditions; I’d rather they were up to speed on the basics so I can just say “he’s here” and they’ll understand what that means for me. I have started telling people already and it has definitely helped and I now have some real life support but at the same time I am incredibly uneasy about the situation as this was something I didn’t ever intend to discuss with anyone other than those closest to me.

My main issue now is how to behave if or more likely when I bump into him/them? I can’t very well be civil when I’m going around telling people that this man is an abuser. And the last time I saw him I was falling over myself to be friendly and I worry that if he were to approach me he would be expecting the same. I don’t want him to come anywhere near me and I don’t want to so much as even have to acknowledge him if I pass him on the street but he won’t know this and may try to approach me any way. I would be ok with telling him I don't want to have to so much as acknowledge him and the reason for this if I came across him on his own but this would be totally inappropriate if he had his child with him or something. I can’t avoid him forever either and even if I could, it would eventually get back to him/them that I have been telling people about the abuse. I am worried what will happen when they find out. Should I write to him to make him aware of what I am saying? He will find out somehow someday any way. I am just feeling totally lost at the moment. Please could someone offer some advice?

This is someone you were kind of with for 2 months at university? And then he acted like a twat, but since then years have passed and he's married with a child?

Seriously OPA you need to move on. His ghost has some power over you, not him. Have you considered why this still pushes your buttons so much, when he should be utterly irrelevant?

You are clearly very upset by this man.

I don't think you should pre-emptively try to get others "on side" about his manipulativeness.

People will make up their own minds, in their own time, for their own reasons. They will not thank you for trying to influence them, and if you are attached to the idea of warning them, you may find yourself crushed and disappointed when most of them inevitably choose to judge this man for themselves.

Instead, I recommend calm and dignity.

Don't be upset if people you know get to know him: they are free to do so, and are only doing what you yourself did all those years ago.
If he comes up in conversation, or if you decline an invitation because he will be there, you could say that you had a bad experience with him in uni, and prefer not to renew ties. Elaborate only if you feel you trust the person.

If you meet him in person and he wants to engage you in conversation, you can just say "I'm not interested in talking to you." and move on. It's a true statement, and it involves only you: you are always within your rights to say what you are willing or not willing to do. Don't enter into any conversations about his awfulness, though, as then you enter a conversation about things he can dispute. It will not do you good.

Definitely don't contact him: it is highly dramatic, and bound for failure.

Just ignore, remain calm, reveal little, and remove yourself from situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

Just blank him. Why the need to say anything at all?

Thanks for the responses. I had moved on until he came to live on my doorstep. I am not telling people in great detail what he did, just that he was abusive (he didn't just act "like a twat") and for this reason I get shaky when he's around and do not wish for people to bring him up in conversation. I'm not sure I can do anything about the shaking thing? It is not going away.

I am not telling anyone and everyone but I am telling my friends and family so they will not think I am being rude when I am actually just upset by his presence and so they can support me. I don't feel I am trying to get them "on side". I just feel I have the right to talk about the things that have happened in my own life. Why should I cover for him?

Its funny how people like this can cast a shadow, I dont think people really understand how it can be unless they have been abused.

I have an ex just like this and he ended up doing a job at my local pub, not a bar job, something in the back office and was only there a couple of times. But he made a point of finding out if I drank there, why?! It has been 20 years! It has freaked me out that he is asking after me, but I have decided that if I do see him (unlikely) a) I will be with H and my friends so wont be at risk and b) I will say "I am sorry, I think you have me mistaken for someone else" and repeat repeat repeat. I am not the person I used to be so its true!

And H and my friends know what he did (well H knows all of it, the friends know some of it), so they would understand if I got flustered or upset, so I think you are doing the right thing in telling them.

what do you mean 'cover for him'?

you were both young,chances are he's grown up and got over himself.....did he break the law? if not you need to stop spreading rumours about him/dredging it back u this could all backfire on you as you seem to think it will somehow get back to him. this makes me wonder how many people you are telling and whether you are having to elaborate a little bit in order to get people to listen

No, you don't need to cover for him. But you do need to protect yourself, and IME having people you consider friends gaily maintain ties with someone you have told them is abusive is very distressing.

If you've already been telling your friends (your OP sounded like you hadn't) and you're happy with that and with their reaction, great.

The shaking is a fear response because of past trauma. You need to teach yourself that he can no longer harm you. This will also help you stop obsessing about him.

Imagine scenarios where you come across him. Now imagine what the adult, confident you will do. Really visualise this. You are no longer his victim: you are someone who can take care of herself.

26 abusers do not "get over" themselves. If anything they get worse.

And how is it rumour when the OP knows exactly what went on and you dont?

26Point2Miles - I am not spreading rumours about him. I am telling my friends and family that he was emotionally abusive because he was emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is not illegal yet but is set to become so in England and Wales at the end of the year which will put it in the same category as all other forms of domestic abuse as far as I know. My friends and family believe me unquestioningly partly because in the 16 or 17 years since I started dating I have said almost nothing negative about any man I have ever been out with. In fact, I am an incredibly positive person and simply do not talk about anything negative at all with anyone other than the 2 or 3 people closest to me. I am finding this very difficult and you're not making it any easier.

I also don't understand why people seem to think that because this didn't last long then it shouldn't have done any lasting damage. If I'd said I was raped but it was only once and we were both very young and it only lasted a few minutes would you say the same thing?

While I in no way want to minimise abuse you have suffered I think you might be storing up trouble by telling a lot of people about it. If (as you have mentioned) he hears what you have been saying, he could well end up confronting you. This could be even more stressful if you want to avoid him.

No, because it's not the same as rape. And if you were raped you'd know about it immediately, rather than have to decide years later when you read something on MN that an 8 week relationship wasn't great. What exactly did he do?

I do really sympathise because for a long time I needed people to understand why I'd left my x, why I'd been so unhappy with him etc.... but now I have moved on from needing other people to understand . It's not that the slate is wiped totally clean and the horrendous abusive behaviour to me is 'undone'. It's just that it's enough for me to know.

IF (and it's unlikely) anybody asks just say you had a short but unhappy relationship and you don't wish to be friendly now. That's it. Don't elaborate. People will think you are odd to tell them. I do not think it's odd that you're still affected by this relationship but I would wonder why you needed a total stranger to know that you were badly affected by the relationship.

YOU know it. That's enough. Nobody is going to force you to be friendly to this man. You don't have to invite him in to your home.

I wouldn't like it if my x moved to my town. I do honestly sympathise

I'm really struggling to imagine what he could have done in 2 months that was so "emotionally abusive" that you have physical symptoms a decade and a half later, that didn't involve inappropriate attachment on your part. Sorry I know that's harsh but really, move on.

I think you need to seek some professional help to get past this.

He may or may not be the same EA arse as he was when you knew him. That's neither here nor there. You don't have to be friendly towards him, you don't have to be anything at all towards him. You don't have to tell anyone about the 2mths you spent with him.

Really, go see your GP about the way you are feeling, perhaps they can suggest some ways to deal with what you experienced back then.

TheflITcrowd presumably you were with your ex longer than 2 months of squeezing, at college?

Some of the posts aren't very understanding.

I agree with what another poster said, remind yourself he can't hurt you now. He is not your boss. He's not your friend's husband, or your husband's friend. He's not your children's teacher. He may be in your village but remind yourself, he can't harm you now. He can't manipulate you.

As for covering for him, you won't need to I don't think... Unless somebody actually says 'is he a decent character? can you vouch for his good character?' then you won't be put in the position of having to lie about him.

If somebody challenges your account (that you have already given, please stop trying to get in there first with your side of the story) then just leave the conversation. If that other person wants to think he's a great guy, let them.

Delete anybody from fb who has him as their friend. Or at the very least HIDE the posts of anybody who adds him as a friend.

You will be ok. It's not like before. He is somebody else's problem. If other people think he's ok, don't let that hurt you.

OP, I recognise your distress.

I think that ITCrowd has expressed it very well: the needing other people to understand.

Even on this thread, you are picking out the things that seem unsupportive and reacting to them, in a drive to be heard and prove and assert that you were abused and very hurt. I get that, I hear you.

You do need to move past this defensive stage, though. In a way, it means you still feel like a victim. And you are not: you are 16 years wiser and stronger now. You just need to convince your own subconscious mind of that now.

I do really recommend the visualisations I suggested to you upthread: it helped me move past similar. It moves you from Victim to Capable Survivor, in your subconscious. If that makes sense.

OP what did he do? Have you had other relationships since?

Yes, I was with him for 8 years and we had two children. But because it was such a large chunk of my life I think it was obvious that I addressed those issues. I looked at the low self-esteem that lead me to tolerate being treated badly and then I learnt about abusive behaviours, and then I vented at counselling and then I had psychotherapy. So obviously I've got to the point where I understand that it is how I feel, how I react etc... and that if my x moved next door I could tolerate mutual neighbours thinking he was a great guy. I no longer care what other people make of him. BUT there was a time that would have felt like a betrayal. There was a time when I needed to know that people felt his treatment of me was wrong. I felt so worthless that if the only person who thought his treatment of me was horrible then maybe it didn't matter. I needed others' validation. And sadly sometimes I didn't get it.

And as for the OP perhaps the reason she didn't address this was because it was only for a few months at university. Easy to sweep under the carpet and stumble on. If the next bf was a half decent guy then no need to address it (perhaps).

you needed MN to point out this 8 week relationship was abusive. I'm wondering if even HE knew it was abusive.....you were both young. he was maybe struggling with a relationship,trying to work out how to 'be'. this is how young people learn

so now yeasr later you are going round telling people a version of what happened,but with a few MN buzzwords thrown in and with the benefit of a more grown up perspective. we can all look back on our younger years and re evaluate what happened/where we went wrong/what we should have done etc. hindsights a great thing,but for him this all might be a surprise....and you could end up being done for slander or something!

I've just imagined if I were the OP and the boyfriend who raped me moved to my small town.

The very thought makes me feel sick and it happened about 15 years ago.

OP - I'm sport you're going through this but in my experience it is possible to avoid people in a small town.

Sorry, not sport

I don't mean to sound unkind op. sorry if I do.

Do you think he is stalking you? I have hard of stalking following every path the person been to.