Feeling sick. Abusive “ex” and his wife and child have moved to my small home town. What happens if I “speak out”?

[LundyBancroftwasworththeread]

I had a very brief “relationship” with this man at University many years ago. (I use inverted commas because it was very short-lived; around two months and we never actually went on a date, just visited each other a lot in halls of residence). He was emotionally abusive from the start although I didn’t recognise this until I discovered mumsnet a few years ago. He did a huge amount of damage in that very short time.

After we broke up (he ended it) he treated me with absolute contempt while I was desperate for us to get on as we lived next door to each other and were part of the same social circle. There were so many occasions when I bent over backwards to be friendly while he treated me as being unworthy of even the most basic respect. It was the most awful year of my life and it took me years to feel I’d properly got over it.

After not giving this man a second thought for ages now, I have just found out that he is living in my small home town with his wife (who I also knew) and young child. I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better.

The only way I feel I can deal with this is by being completely open and honest about the situation with people. I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant and not be able to explain why I have suddenly gone quiet and started shaking were he to walk in or why I need to leave somewhere quickly if I have to. I don’t want to have the whole traumatic conversation with people under such conditions; I’d rather they were up to speed on the basics so I can just say “he’s here” and they’ll understand what that means for me. I have started telling people already and it has definitely helped and I now have some real life support but at the same time I am incredibly uneasy about the situation as this was something I didn’t ever intend to discuss with anyone other than those closest to me.

My main issue now is how to behave if or more likely when I bump into him/them? I can’t very well be civil when I’m going around telling people that this man is an abuser. And the last time I saw him I was falling over myself to be friendly and I worry that if he were to approach me he would be expecting the same. I don’t want him to come anywhere near me and I don’t want to so much as even have to acknowledge him if I pass him on the street but he won’t know this and may try to approach me any way. I would be ok with telling him I don't want to have to so much as acknowledge him and the reason for this if I came across him on his own but this would be totally inappropriate if he had his child with him or something. I can’t avoid him forever either and even if I could, it would eventually get back to him/them that I have been telling people about the abuse. I am worried what will happen when they find out. Should I write to him to make him aware of what I am saying? He will find out somehow someday any way. I am just feeling totally lost at the moment. Please could someone offer some advice?

"I do want you to know what's going on if I suddenly start shaking".

I agree with SGB. This sounds ridiculous and attention seeking. You have been given a lot of good and positive advice on this thread that you're not listening to. Nothing good can come of slagging him off to all and sundry. I really think you need to seek professional help.

I have an awful lot of sympathy for your situation OP but I'm afraid I agree with the comments above that this is going to come across as attention-seeking. Saying "I may start shaking... I don't want to talk about it though" is a really unfair, confusing thing to say to your friends.

Step out of the victim role!. And don't even think of contacting this man.

You NEED decent therapy and can also explore why you spent two months with someone who you say from the start was 95% of the time horrible to you yet he dumped YOU and you spent the next year 'falling over yourself to be friendly to him' but almost two decades later will begin shaking of you even think about him.

I'm sorry OP but having read your update regarding the way your ex treated you, I think that many people in real life would think you were the one with the problem if you were to start to "speak out" about him now. A lot of emotional abuse is intangible to those on the outside ("oh but most couples argue" etc etc) and I doubt you would gain much sympathy or validation, they would probably think you were crazy or bitter. People will struggle to understand why you didn't just leave him because it's not like you had years or indeed months invested in this relationship let alone DC/financial dependency.

Apologies if I sound harsh, having been victim of an abusive relationship myself I really do get the headfuck that people like your ex can cause, but what you've described would come across to many as a He said/She said scenario. Your ex's behaviour back then sounds much like the kind of thing cited in divorce petitions/child contact cases and yet such conduct very rarely has any bearing on the outcome of such cases i.e only those on the receiving end truly care what's happening. You might end up alienating the people you tell if they feel like you've put them in an awkward situation especially if your ex acts differently now.

I agree with PPs, you do sound like you would benefit from the right counselling.

Another one on team George Pig and team Redpink here.

Two months, over a decade ago, in early 20s.......long term damage from EA that she wasn't aware of until she got on here.....one date, sorry but it doesn't stack up for me. If it wasn't him I suspect some other passing acquaintance would be on the hook for this.

Thinking over the 'abuse' described.

Yes it wasn't a nice thing to do, but emotional abuse? Again, I'm struggling.

Both of you away at university, young vulnerable people away from home,your story implies it happened at the start of your year in those halls. There's a couple of possible scenarios that I think are at play here.

1. he went away to uni, was emotionally immature and actually quite liked you. You gave him an impression you didnt want people to know about the 'relationship' that made him feel more insecure and he lashed out emotionally after the the event. I don't excuse the wanting to make noise thing and for people to hear as that is strange, but so are young men finding their way emotionally and as you say there was no forcing or coercion going on. This isn't a 30 year old man, this is a child in relationship terms.

Or it's 2) he wasn't insecure, he was over secure. He wanted people to hear you to get some "lad points" within halls and didn't actually care for you that much and you still haven't forgiven him years after the event.

I suspect it's (1) , 2 is actually much more abusive imo.

Sorry if this is a bit blunt, but as you say counselling wont help then your best bet is to try and get some perspective on this.

What if another scenario had happened, he'd led you on to think he had serious feelings for you, had sex, then chalked it up as a notched bedpost and told everyone in halls and moved on. Would you be complaining of emotional abuse then? that one is worse for me, yet millions of men and women have suffered it and arent thinking of telling the new wives and husbands of th person that jilted them.

In terms of you campaign of telling people. If I was in his shoes, my worst case is having to explain to my wife that " i had a short lived strange relationship with her in halls when I was a naive 20 something, not proud of how I behaved but we live and learn". Most likely outcome is he tells his wife and everyone else that you are a loon who hasn't got over being jilted at uni (I believe you entirely that that isn't the case but that won't matter to his wife and family).

Im afraid you need to move on here and get on with your life like he did his.

I don't want to talk about this particularly but I do want you to know what's going on if I suddenly start shaking".

Oh please. ho do you even know that this is what would happen? It sounds like you haven't even seen the guy for at least 10-15 years.

If you said that to me I'd think you were a bit unstable and attention seeking.

OP, MN is one of the most female - friendly and supportive forums where (particularly this relationships board) people are very used to reading about abusive relationships and are sometimes IMO too quick to deem a relationship is abusive or a man an abuser.

If people here are telling you you need some psychological help rather than be dramatically telling people you were in an abusive relationship and will start shaking if you see him (and even in a small town it's not a given that you ever will), do you not wonder why we would be saying it?.

You weren't in an abusive relationship because by your own account this was someone you just hung out with/had sex with for two months - you weren't even in a relationship.

There was no grinding down or insidious increasingly abusive behaviour. He treated you badly and that may be the way he is with every woman or it may not. He may be an abusive twat or he may not but your own reports of the situation do not support the extreme reaction that you are describing.

And I am not criticising you or trying to be harsh but many many women have had the experience you describe and would write it off as an unpleasant experience with a wanker. Horrible and upsetting yes but not resulting in the kind of 'trauma' you are reporting.

You need therapy to help you move on from a situation that really should not be making you feel this distressed.

You saw him between 24 and 36 times but only in each other's rooms, and he was 95% of the time, horrible. And then he dumped you and you spent a year doing everything you could to be friendly.

Why? Why? He didn't coerce you, or imprison you, or financially or physically hurt you in any way, but he pissed you off a BIG lot and then ended it. Maybe you just couldn't handle the rejection, and in the interim years have relabelled this as abuse. Because abuse and plain old rejection are different. And then he reappears, significantly with his (non-rejected wife and child) and you, having not thought about him for years, have a heyuge reaction.

You know, OP I'm sure for you this is a big deal and your perception is your reality, but you have to understand that those who really have been in actual abusive relations and/or raped, may find your parallels rather derisory.

Why? Why? He didn't coerce you, or imprison you, or financially or physically hurt you in any way, but he pissed you off a BIG lot and then ended it

Well, perhaps I'm wrong, but it sounds to me as though she shared student accommodation with him. Whilst most of us could escape the wanker we were briefly seeing at uni, she had to live in close confines with him for the rest of the year.

OP - I think you were mentally abused. i believe you. BUT - You got away. you dodged a bullet. You were incredibly strong and self-aware, and you got AWAY from him. Some women would be so cowed by this, so unaware, that the abuse would have continued into marriage, kids, death.

Can you think of it that way? Don't give him any more power over you. You may start shaking, you may not. Either way, don't let him see. Act as normally as possible. Tell friends if you like,that he was abusive and controlling and you got away, but i agree with [most of] the others - don't make a big thing of it.

And do get counselling.

I wonder what his wife's life is like?

Red the OP is one of those women who has been sexually abused. She's saying that this relationship has affected her more.

You weren't in an abusive relationship because by your own account this was someone you just hung out with/had sex with for two months - you weren't even in a relationship

I think it's important to note that a relationship does not need to be long standing for it to be abusive. I think that people telling the OP that it was not an abusive relationship and making that judgement are WAY off base here.

Abusive is abusive. There is no time scale, there is no degree.

It is not appropriate to keep banging on to the OP that the relationship was not abusive.

Yes I think she needs better counselling to hep her get past it. No I don't think she should confront him as I feel it will only make her feel worse.

But please do not tell her the relationship was not abusive. If they dated, even went out once, and he behaved in an abusive manner, then it was abusive. What she has indicated (dating couple times a week for a couple months) is most certainly a "relationship".

Vivacia perhaps I've worded that badly - I wasn't asking why the OP tried to be friendly for a year, but more why she would see someone 24-36 times when by her own admission he was horrible 95% of the time? That just doesn't make sense. If it was as shit as she says it was, why carry on with it?
But on the other hand the OP says she didn't realise it was that shit until reading MN and then reframes the whole thing as abuse and gas lighting.
It just doesn't add up - it's skewed thinking which is making the OP miserable and anxious.

You know, OP I'm sure for you this is a big deal and your perception is your reality, but you have to understand that those who really have been in actual abusive relations and/or raped, may find your parallels rather derisory.

Actually, I've been in an abusive relationship (more than one unfortunately) and I have a much bigger problem with people telling the OP that she was not in an abusive relationship. Oh, I've been raped in the past. Does that mean I get double points to speak up?

FFS. Quit trashing the OP.

That just doesn't make sense. If it was as shit as she says it was, why carry on with it?

I think we all wonder that when we read about women describing their abusive relationships, but isn't that the nature of an abusive relationship? I believe the OP if she says this is how she feels.

I do feel that she's stuck in the Victim role of the Drama Triangle and I hope she does try counselling.

I don't think speculating on whether this is abuse or not is helpful as it's clearly really affected you for a long time.

I do feel for you as I'm in a similarish situation. I feel uneasy walking in the town centre sometimes in case I bump into my ex or his friends. I feel so much rage thinking about him with his new girlfriend, playing the devoted boyfriend and carrying on his lovely life whilst he's fucked up mine. His poor girlfriend has no idea what he's really like and the temptation to tell her is too much to bear sometimes. But I'll just make myself look like a crazy, bitter ex. She probably wouldn't believe me or would think I'm just stirring up trouble. OP, I think similar might happen if you do this. I would be honest and say that you had a relationship with him a long time ago that wasn't a good experience and therefore you have no desire to have any contact with him now. Unfortunately, he may approach your friends. That is a horrible feeling and I would tell close friends what happened but I wouldn't be slagging him off to all and sundry. It will just upset your relationships, I think.

I think some counselling would be helpful for you. I still feel uneasy going out and avoid it a lot but I'm starting to feel stronger and I'm holding my head up higher. My ex can say what he likes to his friends about me but I know the truth - that he and only he was in the wrong. I don't need to justify what happened to anybody and I'm moving on with my life.

Trigger I know someone who was married and was raped by her husband. She ended up beinghhospitalized because of her tampon (and him ended up in jail). He was rough and she tried to tell him . It was about control. So if OP was traumatized and scarred from this relationship, then I believe her. I Am Sure She Have Been IN Other Relationships AND Nothing Was Compare To This one.

I'm not being dismissive of the OP. Didn't want to derail her thread by talking about me but don't want people to feel I am minimising her experience.

I have been in exactly the same situation as the OP very recently but with someone much more skilled at what he did than a Uni student ( he's a Psychiatrist) that I also had to work with every day and it happened for a longer period of time than two months.

He was 'emotionally abusive' but I do not consider myself to have been in an abusive relationship because I was not in a -'relationship' with him.

I was having sex with him and after a while he started to be extremely horrible and made me feel like shit and used his knowledge of psychotherapy and his knowledge of my past trauma to excuse his behaviour, blame it on me and make me think I was going mad (yes, gaslighting).

But he wasn't my partner. I wasn't in love with him or expected him to be in love with me. It was not a 'relationship' in that sense as there was not that level of emotional involvement so although the experience was hideous it did not have the potential to damage me in the way that a relationship where you have invested your love and trust over a long period only to be abused would - there is a difference in my opinion. If someone you just went on a date with was abusive - yes they were abusive but you weren't in an abusive relationship.

It ended just over a month ago. I've had a couple of counselling sessions to talk it through and can see it for what it was.

If I started shaking at the mere thought of seeing him in 15 years time then I would think I needed some help to be honest.

And in my career I have worked with victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse and violence. My experience cannot be compared to theirs at all.

I have woken up every day since finding out feeling sick to my stomach at the thought I might run into him/them or find out that he has become friends with people I know. I thought this feeling might fade but it has been almost a month and I am not feeling much better

I'm not sure I can do anything about the shaking thing? It is not going away.

it was essentially two months of intensive conditioning to associate this person with a massive amount of stress and anxiety and this stress and anxiety has just never gone away.

These are the things it is worth seeking therapy for. NOT because it's wrong to feel like this! But because you don't have to resign yourself to feeling sick to your stomach, or living in fear of reawakening a very upsetting time of your life. There are ways to deal with it, to strengthen yourself and recover. You don't have to just take it.

If you'd been the victim of a documented crime, or a traumatic public event, I would make the same suggestion.

It's not about whether it's instinctive (all phobic type responses are instinctive); it's not about whether it's justified (it is); it's about you feeling better, processing the event, becoming stronger. Having the tools to confront and defuse the situation in your mind, and in real life if it comes to that. Rather than living with this miserable sense of apprehension and anger, not knowing how to react.

For the record, I believe what you say. I don't think it is right to minimise your experience. I don't think immature young people routinely gaslight others, or aggress against them; or that your self destructive feelings are a typical response when you're just learning about relationships. What happened, happened: your experience is valid.

The point is to limit the damage, and find a way forward which is helpful to you, today.

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you had a fuck buddy who was a complete wanker for 8 weeks, he didn't want to have sex again, and you then had an awkward year living next door to a nasty ex fuck buddy who your mates were still chummy with.

I think you need help understanding why this has affected you so much. I have seen the most horrible emotional abuse at play (among friends, and a close relative). One woman who had to phone her partner, put him on speaker phone and leave the call connected for hours so he could here what she was doing. Another run down at every opportunity, until they truly believed they were ugly and "he's right, I look stupid with make up on" and never bought make up again. And when they did, he binned it "useless shite". Another who when he was annoyed at his partner would say "fuck up, fuck up, fuck up" every time she opened her mouth to speak. While they had guests over (I lasted 2 hours one night before I left in disgust, apparently this would go on all night). Most of these men knew how to turn on the charm, just as woman had enough, to draw them back. "He's not bad, I blow it out of proportion" that is the manipulative part. This guy sounds like he was always just an arsehole? 95% of the time anyway. And it sounds more like he wasn't paying much attention to you, and he couldn't be bothered with your presence when sex was done, than he was gas lighting you. As a pp said Sweetheart from everything you've said, this isn't what he did

I think it's understandable you don't like this man but, I feel I can't go out locally until I have decided on how I'm going to approach this is a very strong reaction. I feel that by calling this emotional abuse, you are trivialising real emotional abuse. I'm in the you need help to deal with your over-reaction/get a grip camp.

Tell people he was a dick to you years ago, sure. But that he emotionally abused you to the point if you see him, you will start shaking? That he traumatised you that badly?

always that is YOUR experience. And if you don't feel it was a relationship, then that's just fine and dandy.

The OP, however, feels (quite rightly IMO) that it was. She also feels it was abusive, and based on the things she has stated about it, I have to say she has every right to say that.

YOU do not get to decide whether or not the OP was in a relationship or not. YOU do not get to decide whether or not the relationship was abusive.

The OP has already stated these. They are facts. She did not ask if we termed it as a "relationship" or if we felt it was "abusive." She asked for assistance because she was struggling to deal with her current situation regarding this ex boyfriend.

Telling her, whether directly or by implication in comparing it to your standards, that it was not abusive and not a relationship is neither appropriate nor helpful.

I believe you OP. And I understand your reaction. If you need more support, perhaps one of the emotional abuse threads would be more helpful- the shaking and pounding heart is a very common reaction when you encounter someone like this again. I think the problem with some of these previous posters is that, if you've never been involved with somebody like this, you can have no idea of the effect they have on you. I certainly wouldn't have before I got involved with one myself.

Mine lives in the next village- and he's the father of my son . It's taken me years not to hyperventilate on just seeing his car. And I completely understand the need to tell everyone- to get support, and protection. I wouldn't see any problem in confiding in a few relatives and close friends- not all and sundry, obviously, just people who know you very well, and care about you- but it certainly helped me. There are still people who think he's great- one of them is even a mum at DS's school, and I'm afraid I can have nothing to do with her- she has no idea of the trouble he is capable of causing, and probably wouldn't listen to me if I tried to tell her- but I have gradually come to realise that most people think that he's a twat.

Sorry op, re-reading and noticed He would deny certain conversations ever took place and then refer to them a few days later without batting an eyelid when bringing the information up suited his purposes so he was gaslighting.

I take back what I said about trivialising real abuse.

But I do think your reaction to him/this situation is ott, and you would benefit from speaking to a therapist.

Don't let this twat keep you prisoner in your own home. Go about life as normal. If you see him, and you do visibly fall to pieces, all you have to do is explain he was horrible to you a long time ago and it's a shock seeing him again after all this time. Good luck op, I know you are feeling terrible about this, but hopefully you can get to the root of why, and then tackle how to deal with it.