Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

No, he didn't admit it, just said that he was so sorry and had ruined my life and his.

It's time like this that I wish I wasn't single, just so I had someone I could talk to about it every time I thought about it (or that sort of thing).

He is the main carer of my mum, who has a disability. I don't think I could take it any further legally as it really affect her.

I've never really imagined this happening.

NYE2015 Yes, I relate to all of the things you have said. You are not alone, and it is a shame that we as a society really haven't learned how to help abuse survivors process and integrate their experiences. Instead you end up kind of alone and adrift, with experiences no one wants to hear about.

Also, what you said about feeling disbelieved by default is absolutely my experience. Not only that, but I have a chronic weird feeling of not even really believing myself or whatever I say. I was even convinced I was making up my pregnancies, and couldn't quite believe it when the ultrasound showed a baby each time, and DH could see it, the sonographer could see it, and I wasn't denounced as a liar. Bizarre!

I also struggle a lot with sometimes not even feeling like a real person at all. Like I'm kind of just watching someone else live a life.

NYE I crossposted with you.

do you have to prove yourself all the time, as though your default setting is that nobody will believe you?

Yes! I've been there, I was there for a long time. My dad gaslighted the hell out of me (he also did it to my mum during his numerous affairs). Being believed is incredibly important to me. If I ever feel that someone doesn't believe me (about anything) I can actually get quite aggressive over it, even now.

Trigger warning

Regarding your questions about the physical pain of birth bringing back memories of abuse. I can't answer this from my own perspective as I haven't given birth and my dad didn't penetrate me. However the sensations you describe would be consistent, in my (non-medical) mind, with penetration of a child. At that age you would be unable to distinguish between sites of pain and would experience anything in that area as "my tummy", I would think.

I have read an account of a male survivor who was anally raped at around age 7 or 8 and described the pain as being in his stomach.

I can recommend Alice Miller's book "The Body Never Lies" which recounts the effects on the adult body of the abuse suffered as a child (physical as well as sexual.)

"Perhaps I just dreamt he threatened to kill me if I told anyone"

Unlikely - it's a very common threat used by abusers to children, especially young children.

"The cruel part is that memories aren't clear, especially as they were buried for so many years. Why are some parts undeniably clear while other parts muddled? It causes doubt and confusion and is cruel. "

Yes, this is very common. Current thinking among mental health professionals is that it is caused by the way the brain stores memory. Normal everyday memories are laid down in a part of your brain that deals with memories. It's like a filing cabinet - the memories are stored in their place and if you want to remember something, your brain goes and "looks it up".

However, with traumatic events, because they are so terrifying, the brain is not working to "file" the memories in the normal place, because it is so scared and doing everything possible to just survive this experience. So the memories end up scattered all over different parts of your brain. You may have difficulty recalling them on demand or being able to remember "what happened after that?" You may also suddenly come across a memory because you are reminded (triggered) by something familiar to the memory. (I think this is what happened to you when you gave birth.) And once the memory comes to you, it's hard to then banish it again. It doesn't feel like a memory, it feels like you're right back there, experiencing it again.

I hope the above makes sense. This is how a psychiatrist explained it to me. There is a new technique that some therapists are using called EFT or EMDR which is designed to "re-catalogue" traumatic memories in their proper place.

the child victim in an abusive family is often the only healthy member. All of the other family members are engaged in denial and covering up the truth.

Wow pocket, this really helped me, I really needed to hear this right now.

I was also told my dad had a bad childhood, as if that made it okay to ruin mine, as if I wasn't having a bad one while they were saying it.

NYE it sounds to me like you were abused. I'm so sorry. I hear you on the default setting but I've gradually moved away from it to start realising that - as my therapist put it - my version is good enough, my truth is good enough.

For what it's worth, I believe you.

I can totally relate to the points you are making. I also have a really strong need to be believed. I'm like the hulk if someone questions my integrity.
In relation to triggers & flashbacks, mine tend to be caused by feelings. It's difficult to describe, but as another poster said its not quite feeling myself. i sometimes look in the mirror & don't think the reflection is me, just a person! I'm sounding like a right mad woman but I assure you all I'm actually quite 'normal' I can't quite articulate the feelings I feel but I think it's because I must've developed anxiety & panicky feelings when being abused/ living with the fear of being abused/ wondering why I was not being abused. If I'm being honest I felt loved by him at the time, i never knew any different. now that's the really dark thoughts that I am ashamed of. I've never told anyone that was how i felt. I got expensive presents & lots of lovely things for being 'good'. Classic manipulation & grooming I've since worked out! NOW I FUCKING HATE HIM FOR FOOLING ME INTO THINKING IT WAS NORMAL

Sorry peppermint, xposted, took me a while to write that

You don't need to be sorry.

Stylist it's totally normal for an abused child to still feel love and affection towards the abuser. That's how they draw their victims in (some of them - others use threats and fear.) I loved my dad hugely.

It's common for abuse victims to mentally split the parent from the behaviour. "I love my good daddy. But there is another daddy who does bad things. But he's not the real daddy. My daddy is good and I love him. If I am a really good girl, maybe bad daddy won't come back."

My dad was a very intelligent man. His abuses were absolutely calculated. Part of the abuse was him "punishing" me (eroticized beatings). He would always tell me that someone had told him that I had been naughty. (I was an incredibly well-behaved child by the way.) I would say "Who did, Daddy?" He would pretend that he couldn't tell me. I would eventually say "Was it Mummy?" and he would maintain this facade but making it clear that yes, it was indeed supposedly Mummy. Which further isolated me from her and made me far less likely to tell her what he was doing, as I would get the impression that she told him everything.

Sometimes he would keep me on a string until I had "confessed" some completely innocuous thing which nobody could possibly have known about. Like I only brushed my teeth for 30 seconds instead of 60, kind of trivial thing. This made me think that I was being watched at all times and I could never do anything or say anything which he wouldn't eventually find out.

Sometimes I would beg him not to punish me but I quickly realised that he really liked that so I grew to just accept it. Sometimes it was almost a relief when the confessing part was done and he would strip me and beat my buttocks. He hit me very hard but I never screamed or cried. The worst times were when I had my period and he would see my bloody sanitary towel when he made me take my knickers off. We were never even allowed to mention menstruation to him, all our sanitary things had to be kept in our bedrooms. If someone mentioned periods in his hearing he would literally get up and walk out. Yet it never put him off abusing me.

In fact I don't think I have ever cried over what he did to me. I very very rarely cry because I'm upset for myself, although I well up easily at other people's troubles, and especially mistreated children or animals. The last time I cried because I was unhappy was probably in 2008 when my cat was run over on the road. And prior to that would have been in 2006 at my Grandma's funeral.

Sorry that was a long tangent, but what I wanted to say was that the fact he had a shit childhood can never excuse the level of calculated cruelty that he showed me, or the manipulation that went with it. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing where he got drunk one night or something - this was a two year campaign of terror when it was actually happening, and at least a year of grooming before, I suspect. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he made a conscious choice to do those things.

Reading that back, I've just realised that the first time he ever assaulted me was the day I got my first period, which was also the day I started secondary school. (Talk about the worst day ever.)

There was clearly something going on in his twisted mind around menstruation.

Thank you. I won't go into too much detail just yet, but this is our story here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/2216239-We-have-been-let-down-by-the-justice-system-Edited-by-MNHQ-thread-may-be-triggering

At the moment my daughter hasn't started therapy yet, but my son has, and god, the anger. He's so so angry And of course he has every right to be.

Thanks for your support pocket. Working through the conflicting feelings was one of the reasons why I continued to play happy families for so long into adulthood. In contrast to your situation, my sexual abuse stopped at 13yrs old. Like I said in a previous post I cannot pin point the age it started as it was always there.
Similarly however, the sexual abuse may have stopped, but the emotional abuse continued/escalated. He started to 'confide' in me about his terrible upbringing. Telling me stories of being beaten up and abused by a priest...I was groomed to perfection.
When I went to uni at 19 he used to send me money, my mates were all 'your dads great' he must be i thought. I was still too naive to understand the gravitas of my childhood experiences.
My ds10, has asked a couple of times 'why don't you have a dad?' I just say 'I've never had one'. 'Aw that's a shame mum' hmm.
Does any one else have a better way of offering an explanation to their DC? I don't know what to say as they get older, I try to be as honest as possible with them. My DH shuts the conversation down if it ever arises 'your mum doesn't want to talk about that' obv trying to help but not really helping!

Stylist my dad gave me a lot of money too. I had quite a lot saved that he had given me when I cut my family off and then went a bit loopy, spent the lot and went into some debt.

I don't know when mine started. Early. I can't remember.

I have no idea what to say to your DC. I think when they are young it is important not to burden them with a secret. I have no idea how I will tackle this when the need arises, I really don't know.

opie being here is helping me. I have learned from this thread and others that it's not my right to know or ask, just to support him and take.my cue from him.
I'm a regular and name change for this subject as I'm very identifiable and it's his story, his secret to tell who he wants.
I'm devastated for your children but wish my in laws could have seen what was under their eyes.
I'm so angry the abuser is dead, the in laws are dead. I want someone to be punished. Dh conversely is glad no one will because of the shame

on Eastenders, wtf is that about about other victims of Harry going for criminal compensation by the way?

To everyone, I believe you

stylist When my DS was younger he asked a couple of times "Do you have a daddy" and I just said no I didn't. He never questioned it. Both his dad's parents were dead so he probably didn't think it was strange.

When he got into his mid teens he asked me again and I said that my dad was a very nasty, mean man who was very cruel to me and that I haven't seen him in 20 years and don't ever want to again. He understood fine and has never asked for any details. However if he did I would have to think carefully about what to tell him. He has a problem with anger and has experienced abuse from his birth mum's family, and has some long-standing MH problems as a result. He does know I was sexually abused as a child (his dad and I both used to work with survivors in a self-help forum so he's kind of grown up understanding that we were survivors but not really thinking about it, if you see what I mean.)

You know, I feel like that completely. The criminal case is over, the civil case is over, and now DS is in therapy and DD soon to start, we have to try and put one foot in front of the other and find our future somehow. But, I'm being completely guided by him. HE decides who will know from here on in. The people who had to know already do, and although it will never ever be a secret, it is up to him who he decides to tell. There are only a select few people in my family who know what happened - we aren't particularly close, and my biggest worry is that he and my daughter become the subject of idle gossip. I simply will not have that.

DS said to me a few months ago that he was always going to remember what had happened, and that it was always going to be there. I didn't know how to answer, other than to say that yes, what happened would always be there, BUT it would not define him, we wouldn't let it. That he could be more than what happened to him, and he will be.

I honestly don't really know what I'm doing though, can you tell? I feel like I'm bumbling along blind. Just following his lead.

I know it's going to take a long time. I just want my happy little lad back. It's been such a long time since I saw him properly smile.

Can I ask those on this thread, If you don't mind... what can I do for him? How can I best help him? Whatever I do do, it feels so lacking. Like it's no where near enough.

opies You are doing an amazing job. The best thing you ever did IMO is to believe him. That will mean so much to him. He knows he can confide in you. You sound open and so caring

I can remember as an older teen thinking 'I will never be normal, I can't form relationships and I hate the person I am'
The difference is I had no one to confide in. I couldn't trust any of my family.
It turns out they knew my older brother was abusing me and they did nothing.

This for me is just as bad as the sexual abuse. All the adults in my life let me down. I was a vulnerable 9 year old. No one even noticed how much I was changing. I trusted my brother and he manipulated me and ruined my childhood.

Sorry opies I'm rambling now!

Your ds is getting professional help and he has you fighting his corner.
He is one very lucky young man. Keep doing what you are doing x

I echo what Lucy said Opies. I'm so sorry you're facing this but it sounds like you're doing an excellent job in supporting your kids. That means everything

I honestly could not imagine not believing him. He was so so brave in telling me what happened and to have not believed him... that's such an alien concept to me.

I am so sorry that the adults that should have been protecting you let you down so badly.

I know he blames me for what happened to him. He blames me because I married STBXH and he brought stepson into our home. Hell, I blame me, so why the hell shouldn't he? I let him down so so badly. I will never ever forgive myself for that. I just hope that one day he will be able to forgive me.

Thanks pocket, I think I'll just give minimal truthful information if & when it comes up again. Trust is paramount, if they ever ask me out right 'were you abused' I will reply yes.
One thing I am proud of myself for is getting him out of my life prior to my DC being born.

My DC are beautiful and I want them to have healthy minds & not be burdened with my crap history, so I believe it's a fine balance.
I have never told my brothers what happened to me, they are a few years younger & one of them has regular contact withhim . Sigh.

This thread is so incredibly helpful. Thank you all for your courage in being generous and brave enough to share. By reading this I am starting to be able to recognise aspects of myself that I just have never questioned before and certainly never linked to my abuse. The feeling of not being believed - abso-bloody-lutely! My default is exactly that. I ha0d a cancer diagnosis in 2011, and even now I feel as though I most people think I've made it up, even though I had a very serious operation linked to this....how messed up is that? I always assume doctors will see me as someone who exagerates her symptoms and visits the surgery unnecessarily and as far as my (incurable but treatable for now) cancer is concerned I view other patients as probably being more important than I am so expect to be left till last or to receive less input from medical services. This is the same in all areas of my life. If I was visiting my parents and told them how mean and nasty my sister was being to me on a regular but snide basis, they would believe me less than if this same sister told them the sky was green and the grass blue.

hope that makes sense, am in a bit of a rush this morning and using a touch screen that I am useless with.

Opies I am so sorry your children have been through this. Can I ask how old they are?

You are already doing some great work by being a strong advocate for them and doing your best to make sure the bad guy got punished, and to get them the help they need.

I saw from the end of your other thread that your son is now in intensive counselling. I hope it is helping. Has your daughter also been able to access counselling?

GBUK it sounds like your family dynamic is that your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. I am guessing that they did not believe you were abused?

My son is ten and my daughter is six. The abuse happened when they were eight and four.

Sadly the bad guy didn't really get punished - found guilty of two counts of rape and four sexual assaults and he got a two year probation order, and five years on the SOR. He'll be off that by the time he's 20, whereas my babies have to live with this for the rest of their lives.

The counselling is very very difficult. It's going to be an incredibly long road. My dd is still waiting for counselling, but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer.

It is so unjust that their abuser got off with such a light punishment Opies.

One thing I do want to say it to try to avoid the mindset that they "have to live with this for the rest of their lives." Abuse is awful and can take a long time to recover from, but it absolutely does not have to stop your babies from being and doing everything they would have otherwise. With your help and the support of professionals there is no reason at all that they can't deal with this and overcome it and go on to lead happy, fulfilled, wonderful lives. They are still the people they ever were - they were unlucky to come across one of the world's nasty people but they can heal and they can be well again.

The thing that makes abuse so insidious and damaging, and something all of the adult survivors seem to have experienced on this thread, is the shame and the silence. That is what makes abuse eat away at you and become a life-long burden. You are there, fighting for your children, letting them know what happened wasn't right, telling them they are worth so much more than how that monster treated them and they will hear you and they will know that they were unlucky but that's not their fault. That they are good and decent people who are loved and who deserve to be treated with kindness.

That is what so much of us on this thread missed out on - the sense that we were valued and didn't deserve to be treated like playthings. That is what hurt us, really, in the long run, the sense that our families just didn't care.

You can heal your babies. You are doing a good job. This is surmountable, honestly. I've managed to deal with pretty severe abuse pretty much on my own. It would have been so much easier with my parents on board. But I still did it, and I have a happy and wonderful life that I love.

It's a long road. But it will be ok. It will.

I agree that healing can come. I now view some of the worse parts of my life as a film I watched at the cinema; I remember it but it doesn't touch me anymore.

However it can take all sorts of different processes to add to the healing process. I remember a psychologist said people can repair from the damage of bulling, for example, by being exposed to new and meaningless relationships at work or in a partnership. I know it's not bullying we're discussing on this thread but the point I'm making is that lots of different exposure have added to my healing. Perhaps that's why they say time is a great healer?

For those who have disclosed their fear of not being believed, or of not trusting their own honestly in silly things - even pregnancy or cancer! - thanks for sharing that because it brings a certain relief that I'm not alone. I've always assumed I was!