Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Oh and on a positive note I am feeling much better than I did this morning. I put a chatty, lighthearted post up on facebook and two friends who I haven't spoken to in a long time got in contact with me. One texted me and the other rang. It was so nice to talk to them, and they were both lovely to me.
One of them, incidentally, is one of the people I mentioned earlier who flipped out on me and went silent years back. We've been in contact for a while over fb but today was the first day we've properly chatted in about 6 years and it was great. And she made the effort, for a change. So I'm feeling more pleasantly inclined towards the world in general and I am reminded that I know some decent people. And that people are complicated and can behave like shits but all is not necessarily lost.
I feel that I can now have a proper friendship with that friend who went silent - it's taken years and years but I feel we're at a stage where the hurt has passed. We were best friends in secondary school, really close. We reminisced over some nice memories from the past today and it was just lovely - no bad feelings, just aww weren't we weird (we were!). She has overcome some difficulties in her life and seems more chilled and I have been able to properly let go of the whole bust up we had. She lives in Ireland but I've arranged to meet up with her when I'm back over the summer. Very unexpected but lovely.

So in summary feck the friend who let me down. I have plenty of good people in my life, and they reminded me of that today :)

Hi everyone, sorry just catching up after s busy few days.

Birthing please don't feel you have to apologise, your experience with the TA sounds awful. I understand what you mean about gaps in memory. I know SOMETHING happened but can't quite figure out exactly what/when/who was involved iyswim.
I've talked to many people (online mostly) about this and most say it's your brains way of locking away the bad stuff and not to push yourself to remember.

cailin sorry your friend has done this, I guess he had good intentions but he should have stuck with you to see it through not buggered off because it got too hard for him to hear. That councillor sounds like a total bitch, how DARE she treat you that way, I hope you reported her and please ignore her stupid ignorant comments.

pocketsaviour quote is brilliant and we should all remember it.

I'm so glad you're feeling brighter Cailin.

On the subject of upbringing, I agree - CSA often happens against a backdrop of other things like neglect. Nobody taught me that I mattered or should have boundaries or anything like that. Things were ignored. I didn't really stand a chance frankly.

Great to hear you are feeling more positive Cailindana (lovely girl :-P)

It takes some doing but I have to be grateful for the wonderful people I have in my life, even if most of them aren't family. I feel cheated out of a family, because they are useless and can't deal with what happened to me at the hands of our brother.

I spoke with my eldest sister recently I was more honest than I have been for a very long time. We have a few family occasions ccoming up. I asked sister if my abuser is invited and how he stands in the family now. She said she doesn't want to be around him, wants no part of his life etc. However if he was in trouble and needed her help she'd be there for him becusse he's her brother. I'm not sure how I feel about what she said. Is it selfish of me to think even if he's dying in a gutter I want her to walk away from him

My other sister has shown her true colours and has been talking about my "situation" to my eldest brother and niece. Apparently I need to stop going on about it, it happened in all families and we all have problems. I'm most hurt by this sisters comments we were very close at one point and helped each other through so many things in the past few years. I always knew we didn't think the same, had different ideas on parenting and relationships but this is so left field and its like she has turned against me.

I want to confront her but I hate confrontation. My dp thinks just cut her out and don't bother listening to what she has to say.

LucyBabs I agree with your DP to some extent. Your sister sounds neither willing or able to understand and acknowledge what happened to you and how it has hurt you which is very sad. I hope you don't have to be around your abuser at all during the upcoming events

I was abused by my brother, 8 years older than me, from when I was about 4y-12y. I didn't realise anything unusual had happened until I was 18y and Childline was started. Later on I read some of his books in his room and I now know they were paedophile porn. I thought they told normal stories too and yet I was a young adult. I told no one because I didn't think anyone would believe me. He died suddenly at 34y so I never confronted him. I told my mother and older sister when I was 40 when I had severe depression. My mother's reply was "Where were the maids?" as we lived abroad until I was 7 but my parents were my only carers after that. Then she said "thank God you don't have cancer" and proceeded to tell me that she had an affair with my Godfather, all at the same time. It has only been mentioned in passing once since when she referred to my brother "bothering" me. She said I mustn't tell my father as it would kill him, and so I never did. He died last year and my mother is now 88y.

I cannot believe that I have gone along with all this stuff all my life and I am now 52y. I am back in therapy as it's been occupying my head for a while. It's only this week that I've realised that both my parents were utterly selfish, useless people and neglected me on all levels. I'm sure this gave my brother ample opportunity as my parents never noticed anything happening to me.

As I write this I feel so embarrassed that I haven't seen it before. I feel very stupid and foolish. I was the good girl who felt her job was to keep their marriage together. I became a doctor to please them. When I was diagnosed bipolar and had to give up my job my parents were mortified. I have spoken to my sister this week and she is being more supportive.

Sorry for the rant but this thread is helping me and perhaps my story will chime with someone else. I feel a bit desperate right now.

Lucy it's not selfish on your part to feel that way. It's completely reasonable.

I'm so sorry your sister is coming out with this defensive, apologist, idiotic bullshit. Sadly it sounds like you need to ignore her to protect yourself. What she said is awful, I'm sorry.

threads I'm so sorry that happened to you. You aren't stupid. You have survived something you should never have had to survive. You are hurting. Your mother didn't give you the comfort and validation you needed. It is hard being left alone to carry this kind of trauma and to realise that you didn't get the help and care you should have had.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. We accept the world as it is given to us; we try to please our parents because we are human beings and we are born wanting and needing our parents' love and approval. Society would have us believe that anyone who is abused or neglected knows it at the time, but it's actually not uncommon to be far into adulthood before you realise that actually the parenting you experienced wasn't what it should have been.

Please don't apologise. You don't need to. I'm sorry you are feeling desperate. I'm going to post some phone numbers in a sec but will post this first so I don't lose it.

threads I'm so sorry you are feeling desperate - which can mean different things to different people, but I wanted to say that it can get better, in time, with good therapy. The way you feel today isn't the way you will always feel, even if it seems like it right now. But it is how you feel today, and I am sorry about that.

When I feel really overwhelmed and bleak it can help to ring Samaritans. Sometimes I just cry down the phone and don't really say much. Their email service is good as well. Posting here is something, but sometimes you need something more direct than a forum.

Please try to be kind to yourself as well. It's easy to forget that, as it's not really what we are conditioned to do.

Samaritans are on freephone 116123 (free from any phone) or email [email protected]

www.thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/

Thank you . I'm feeling better today. I know it will get better, it has in the past. This time I'm trying to deal with the feelings and that's hard. At least I know I've broken the cycle with my own children x

It is hard, but it's also possible. And breaking the cycle is very good and important

I'm really sorry I totally missed your post threads. When you say "I can't believe I have gone along with all this stuff" what do you mean exactly? Is it that you feel you should have realised sooner how useless your parents were?

Lucy my mother also seemed to have the attitude that abuse happens everywhere, and that it's pretty much normal. Hence, I have no reason to be upset I should just accept it. That's why she will never have sole care of my children and I have specifically put in my will that she must not be guardian in event of my death. IMO she is on a par with an abuser as she will happily facilitate protect and help abusers as she believes it is normal and acceptable that they rape young children. She is their friend and ally. Arsehole.

Callindana, thank you. I so understand all you say about people lying, not listening etc. I have realised that my primary problem was to have a narcissistic father and a mother who helped and had similar tendencies. They were never violent, physically or sexually abusive but they were crushingly indifferent and 'neutral', whilst hiding unspoken anger, an emotion (or any emotion!) which we weren't allowed to express. My older sister reacted by leaving home effectively when they sent her to boarding school at 12y (we lived abroad most of my childhood). My brother, who was sent with her at 9y became a paedophile and abused me (8 years younger) and who knows if anyone else. I was so desperate for affection that I welcomed his physical presence and feeling special. The abuse ended when I went to boarding school at 12y and by this time my brother who was 20y had left home. Whilst I intellectually understand some of that now I am only just beginning to grieve for that little girl and her sadness, but I feel dissociated from her being me, if that makes sense.

I meant that I am so angry with myself that I didn't see any of this and tell them to stick it when I left home. I continued to look for love from them which didn't work. I wish I could have done what my sister did. She has an enormous rage in her but at least she has been independent and known her own mind. I am working on the blame I am putting on myself! One step at a time..

Your experiences sound similar to mine threads (though the details are different). What stood out for me was "crushingly indifferent and 'neutral' whilst hiding unspoken anger" - that is my parents to a T. And I get the craving to be loved, the need to be special.

That anger is good but beware of it being toxic. It is directed in the wrong place. Your reaction, your need to believe that your parents did love and your repeated attempts to make it true are normal and understandable. What's not normal is their indifference, their total lack of recognition of your needs.

what a great thread - I have been looking for a RL support group for this but couldn't find anything close or convenient.

My mother is an alcoholic. Her sister died suddenly when she was running on the beach with her (terrible situation) when I was about 1. My mum couldn't cope and descended into alcoholism. She is also bipolar. She couldn't cope with us so used to send us to stay with her parents.

Unfortunately, her father was a peadophile, and I believe a psychopath with that. He had been discharged from the army because of his mental health. I was very young when the abuse started but it only ended when we moved countries (around 14/15). He had 'friends' he would bring round for me to meet and took me out with him as his 'cover' where he would lure woman to feel comfortable talking to him, then abuse them in front of me. I spent my whole life believing I had protected my younger siblings but found out, when I was around 16, that they were abused too (I had done a deal with my gf whereby he would abuse me and leave them alone). That devastated me and sent me off my rocker for a long time.

I now have 2 children. The first one I fell pregnant by accident and was terrified the whole pregnancy that I wouldn't be a fit parent. I was actually worried that I would be 'abusive' though I now see how ridiculous that fear was. I had a second child and got married to my dp at the time. We are now recently divorced. Sadly ex-dh believes the abuse played a role in the divorce, I think that's unfair but it is true that I was receiving counselling at the time and it may well have contributed in helping me figure out some of my feelings.

I went to the police and reported gf (this was pre all the operation yewtree stuff). He was working in a school at the time. They managed to get him out of there and monitored him - they couldn't charge him even though there were other complaints. He died shortly afterwards. Headmaster was removed from his post. I believe he was one who came and visited the house and he allowed gf to be employed even though he should have failed his CRB.

I was recently sexually abused on a train (just touching). It went to court and I had to stand up and explain why I hadn't reported it sooner without saying anything about my past. It was hard being judged. That went to a hung jury so it's getting retried in September (can't say anything more).

I still go to counselling. It costs me a fortune :). I am a single parent to my 2 dcs (now teens) plus working full time and it's hard. I'm using therapy to try and untangle my behaviour in relationships. I get the feeling i may never be able to have another one again!

The trial gave me flashbacks which were hard to deal with but other than that, it doesn't openly affect me though I loathe crowded public transport (and have to take it every day) and would say I was fairly introverted and not particularly confident, even though I don't portray that image!

Thanks for posting fox.

A lot of strength comes across in your post. How are you doing day to day? How are you feeling about the retrial in September? I admire you greatly for reporting the abuse on the train, and for reporting your gf. That's something I have not been able to do at all.

Thanks cailindana. Don't feel bad about not reporting. It's very hard and when it's so long afterwards, it makes it so much more difficult. For my gf, I couldn't remember dates or times and the police needed that. For the man on the train, it happened 3 times before I reported it and that was held against me in court. I didn't because I didn't think I would be believed - a hang over from my past but I couldn't explain that. It's a tough old world justice! The only reason I reported the gf was because of him being near children :(.

It's hard on my own. I am not lonely, that's not it. But I miss the support. I think people in our position need a little bit extra propping up and now I have none and that is hard. I have to be extra kind to myself!

We can support you here, although I know that's not the same as having someone in real life. I hope it's at least some help

the trial was difficult and will be awful in September. I can't say anything about the details but the cross examination was very tough. It was essentially my word against his. The QC who was defending him asked me things like 'if it was that awful, why didn't you get off the train' 'why did you leave it before you went to the police' etc. etc. You can't explain that a decade of childhood abuse means your reactions are not like everyone else's.

The longer I stood on the stand and got ripped apart, the more I started getting flashbacks of a particular incident in a pet shop with my grandfather where he waited till closing time and called the shop lady over (she was on her own). He got her to show me kittens, then asked her to go and look at a price and right in front of my eyes started touching and abusing her. There was no-one to hear her screams other than me. For about 4 weeks after the trial, I had that flashback appear almost every hour but slowly and surely it has disappeared again. It was difficult on the stand as I wanted to shut my eyes and make it go away but I had to concentrate. I also couldn't take any time off work so had to wake up the next day and go back in. It took me a long time to feel 'normal' again.

God that sounds incredibly hard fox. What sort of support do you have?

I have an hour's counselling a week (which I have to pay for grrr). Other than that, nada really.

I have been trying to start again since the divorce but it's been hard. There is no-one I talk to in real life who knows all the details. I don't really want to talk to anyone other than a counsellor about this (the counsellor I see is actually a psychiatrist - though I'm not on any medication, he's the only one I've found who can deal with all of this, I went through about 4 or 5 counsellors first before I found him, all of whom were useless!)

I am trying to make new friends to go out with and enjoy myself but it's difficult. I'm quite vulnerable at the moment so have to be careful.

do you still have a relationship with your family?

Yes but a very low contact one. We live in different countries and see each other three to four times a year. I speak to my parents once a month thereabouts. I know that feeling of finding no one to talk to. I really should have counselling but I dread the situation you found - having to go through a few to get to one who's not useless. I can't really handle that at the moment.

it was a bit of a process I'm afraid. I started off with 'free' counselling provided by a charity. I hadn't even got to the worst part of my story and the woman counsellor was already crying saying how awful it was. I was so horrified!

I then tried another agency and asked for a man (not sure why but I didn't want to repeat the crying incident!) and I just didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to him. I just felt he wasn't saying anything useful. He kept pushing everything back to me (what are you going to do about it, what do you want to do next).

I gave up for around 6 months after that then tried another few paid ones and didn't get on with any of them.

Then I decided to rather attack the problem a different way. I have always had major issues with public transport, despite being on it daily, so found someone who had dealt with those sort of issues. I saw he was a psychiatrist and thought maybe it would work. I've seen him on and off since 2009. Years go by when I don't see him though. It's never open ended our appointments. It's always with a goal in mind and in batches of 5 appointments and we only have these when I feel I need them. It works really well for me.

you know my concern cailindana, was that if I didn't find someone when I was capable of doing so, I may get to the stage where I was desperate and really needed someone to talk to and then I wouldn't have the strength to find them

being in a different country helps doesn't it. Are there unresolved issues between them and you?