Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

I've just named changed as I feel embarrassed to talk. I'm not even sure I should post as my step brother was one year younger than me so does that make me in the wrong? He was a bully and he scared me. I was made to share rooms with him when we went on holiday which made every holiday a misery. I was too scared to tell anybody. I only told my dad and step mum about the less embarrassing stuff like him pushing me, not turning to tv off so I count sleep etc. They never did anything as they said he wouldn't listen! I finally plucked up the courage to stop him at about age 16 but could never stop the emotional bullying.

Birthing - I know it's not much consolation but as others have said, you can refuse VEs but if the MW tells you they're for the safety of your child (because something seems to be wrong) you'd be surprised how motivating that is and how it allows you to overcome the fear. I also found that when I was in full blown labour I didn't give a hoot about VEs - I had great MWs who were very gentle and I could hardly feel anything. At one point I requested one because I was so keen to know what stage I was at.

Who will your birthing partner be? Will you be able to tell them and ask them to stand up for you and advocate for you? I understand how utterly scary the thought of them is. If you have someone on your side that might help. How are you feeling about the prospect of labour at the moment? Labour is pretty awful anyway but the promise of meeting your little one is hugely motivating IME. I hope the anticipation of seeing your baby is helping somewhat - you are about to enter such an amazing period of your life. It is so shit that what that man did to you is standing in the way of that but nothing will prevent you from being amazed when you see your child's face for the first time. It may be a hard road, but it will be entirely worth it

Spider - I would say no, that doesn't make you in the wrong. It sounds like your stepbrother had some serious issues and your parents totally failed to protect you. I also had a bullying sibling, but she was a sister and there wasn't anything sexual involved. Still, her treatment of me and the fact that my parents never tried to stop her affected me very badly.
How are you doing with it all now? Do you still have to see him? Are your parents aware of what happened?

No my step mum and dad split so I don't see him often. I'm still in contact with my step mum and saw him once in the last seven years. I don't feel threatened at all by him, but it has made a huge impact on my sex life as an adult. I get anxious and feel like I can't say no even though I can, and sometimes end up having panic attacks. I haven't told them. I think my step mum would not be able to cope and probably stand by her son. My dad would probably say something like oh dear and then change the subject. I don't think it would benefit any of us to tell them.

Birthing, I recommend you talk to a trusting midwife if you can. I had an unpleasant birthing experience with my first and felt out of control. With my next births I was very clear about what I wanted and what I was comfortable with and it made a big difference. I think them being clear on what they considered essential, and what they considered procedure helped me feel in control.

Birthing, my friend suggests you get in touch with the supervisor of midwives or midwife manager and arrange a meeting as soon as possible. Be upfront about the situation, but make it clear that you don't want your reasons documenting; instead have it documented that you want to avoid vaginal exams due to vaginismus or similar. You'll also need to discuss what will happen if you need any interventions, because for those they'll need to know whereabouts the baby is exactly, and the only way to work that out is a VE. Make a robust plan to cover all eventualities. She says it's a surprisingly common situation, which is , but on the plus side that means they will have dealt with it all before. Hope that helps you a bit.

AlwaysDancing, calindana, StormyBrid and Spidergirl* thank you so much for answering me and offering your advice. I really am sorry if I have stepped into your thread and offended you.

I don't feel ready to talk about it with my midwife or anyone else in the midwifery team at the minute, but I will try to focus my mind on doing that and see if I can work myself up to having a meeting with them, so thank you for that suggestion StormyBrid

My DH will be my birthing partner and he knows about this rape, and the subsequent rapes by my ex and he would absolutely step in and advocate for me if I needed him to. I just haven't said anything to him about my concerns about VE's although I think he is sensitive enough to work it out.

I just don't know how I will react at the minute, if that makes sense? Sometimes I will flinch and curl up if something triggers a memory and other times I feel strong enough to say to myself, no I'm not going to let it affect me. I hope that makes sense... I may find that VE's don't bother me but equally I could find it a really triggering experience. It's strange that after all these years I still can't predict how my mind and body will react to a flashback/memory.

I really am so sorry to read about the suffering you endured as children it makes me so angry and so sad at the same time.

BirthingConcerns do not apologise, I know it's not my thread by I for one am in no way offended, your worries and concerns are real and valid just the same as any one elses, please please don't apologise!

I was very worried before my first child was born about examinations etc maybe being triggering and just generally feeling out of control, slightly less so second time around but it's more the fear of the unknown - I.e. How will my brain or body react during labour. No-one can tell you for sure but you can equip yourself best you can by taking a course in relaxation or hypnobirthing, doesn't mean you have to have a drug free labour if you want drugs but I found it helped hugely with reducing anxiety. If you are able to get the courage to speak to your DH and eventually the midwife it means you are in control of the situation and being proactive. My first birth was a bit difficult but second birth was actually an amazing positive experience.

I hope you are having a healthy pregnancy, focus on the special little person you will soon be meeting

Bump again. Please feel free to talk, anyone who needs it.

Thanks cailin, how are you?

Very up and down Peppermint but overall I recognise that in the past I would have been far more down and far less up. I'm glad I told my friend about the abuse but since then he's been weird with me and I don't know why. I immediately assume it's due to me but of course it could be anything - he has a lot going on and is stressed. Talking about it leaves me so vulnerable. But whereas in the past I would have absolutely wound myself up thinking about it I am far less upset and more able to deal with it. It's times like this I feel the gaps in my psyche - gaps left by my parents shit parenting and by the abuse. I come across as a very together competent person but I struggle with so many things.

How are you doing?

Thanks for bumping cailin glad you seem to be having more ups than the downs. Its all to easy to fall in to the "what have I done to upset them" midset of self blame, I know that feeling only too well but trying, like you, to be more positive

"I come across as a very together competent person but I struggle with so many things."

Me too. And I think opening up to friends can leave us very vulnerable so we look for the reaction we expect - I think sometimes people worry about how best to help and will back off because they think they are getting it wrong or they're stressed but it won't be because of you, I'm confident of that. Your friend may need to process it a bit, if you know what I mean? And that's okay.

Not sure if I'm helping sorry.

I'm feeling very alone with it all right now.

Hi Always. Thankfully I am genuinely finding it easier to be positive these days. I still have bad moments though.
Sorry you're feeling lonely peppermint. Your words do help. We're here if that's any help to you? What's on your mind?

Here if you need to chat Peppermint

Thanks both, I really appreciate that. It just feels like a heavy burden to be lugging around right now. You know how some people have problems they can freely talk about and then there's this, which you can't just chat about. I feel so terribly alone with it right now, even though I have a good therapist etc.

I know peppermint. Carrying it as a secret is hard.

I understand Peppermint. If you had an illness or a broken leg you could sit in Starbucks and talk about it, not with our things though sadly

Yup, that's it exactly.

IMO that not being able to talk about it is one of my primary difficulties. People assume you won't want to talk about it, and are afraid to ask about it but like anything difficult I think there I a strong desire to discuss it and make sense of it (as much as that is possible).

Indeed. Most people dont know in my case and those who do won't ask.

I asked the friend that I'd told about the abuse why he was off with me yesterday. He denied at first that he was off but then admitted he couldn't handle the whole thing and basically said I wasn't to talk to him about it any more. We didn't get a chance to talk much so ended up discussing it over text, which didn't go very well. I am disappointed but not surprised. I don't know why I thought he'd be different to the others who've shut me down. So I'm left in the silence again. Glad you guys are here just sorry we're all stuck in this shit together.

I didn't sleep well and then DD decided to get up at 4 am. So all in all a shit 24 hours.

Thank you for your advice AlwaysDancing1234

cailin sorry to hear you have had a shit 24hrs. I'm really sorry that your friend doesn't feel he is able to support you. I don't think other people realise how hard it is to open up and talk about it.

This thread has actually brought out some memories that I have had flashbacks of for the past few years.

I'm hoping that when I wrote this down it doesn't sound like it's all in my head... When I was at primary school there was a TA who used to help out at after school clubs. At the after school club he would spend a lot of time hanging around us telling us stories that at the time seemed 'cool' but now seem completely inappropriate, all about men cheating on their partners and cutting off their penises and then women cheating on their partners and them putting cactus leaves in their knickers. Now I realise that was inappropriate chatter for us because we were only 9 or 10 but at the time it didn't feel that way.

One day he said that he was planning a school event for their 20 year anniversary (or something like that) and said that he wanted me to be involved and help. I felt privileged that I was the only one who was offered the chance to be a part of it and agreed. One thing that I remember though is that he asked me to go into the sports cupboard with him and change into a swimming costume as this was going to part of the celebration. Even at the time I felt uncomfortable about this and now when I think about it it all seems much more sinister. As far as I can remember that was all that happened whilst I was at school with him.

One thing that does concern me is that I worked away with him for a few weeks when I was about 16 and I had a headache one day and he offered me some tablets, which I took but these tablets caused me to pass out for about 30/45 minutes, at the time I thought it was because I had taken tablets that weren't prescribed to me but now I wonder if something else happened.

I think this may sound like the ramblings of a mad woman and seems so minor in comparison to what you have all shared but I'm just piecing this all together in my head still and I can't quite make sense of it yet.

cailindana I am so sorry things have turned out the way they have with your friend It must have taken a lot of courage to trust him in the first place, I've never been able to summon up that much bravery. I so badly want to say something comforting to help you but I have no words. Please be kind to yourself today.
BirthingConcerns What you have said do not sound at all like the ramblings of a mad woman, I totally understand. And no it is not minor and I don't think you should compare your feelings in a negative way to others on this thread, we have all suffered and continue to do so. There isn't a measuring stick for the pain and grief we all carry. It is vile for us all no matter what the circumstances, or how long ago things happened.

Birthing all that stuff with the TA sounds very worrying. It is absolutely crazy-making the way the brain just leaves details out and makes you feel you're just making it all up. There are massive gaps in my memory but I know things happened. It's awful having that uncertainty - knowing something was going on but not being sure what. Rest assured they don't sound like ramblings - they sound very much like things we've all experienced unfortunately. How are you feeling about these memories coming up?

Thank you both for your supportive words. It is actually heartening that while I did feel bad last night I don't now. Once I would have felt really let down and exposed but I feel much more in control now. I'm glad I told him and I'm glad he said he wasn't able to handle it, rather than shutting down and cutting me off as so many would do. I am constantly amazed by people's lack of emotional capability and their ability to just walk away from people who need help. I am always incensed when I read about someone committing suicide (like Robin Williams) and there's a whole raft of idiots saying "why didn't he just talk to someone," "if you're depressed or struggling just talk." It has been my perpetual experience that if you do reach out to people they look away. They back off, they cut you off, they freeze you out. People are very very good at telling others they have intention of helping them. It's reassuring in a way that I know it's not just me this happens to - it's not just me that's a impossible to help. I know people (in general) just won't help. It won't stop me from wanting to reach out to people and connect with them - that's just in my nature. But I will be pushed away, time and again. It's just how it is. It's taken my 13 sodding years to get my DH to stop pushing me away. He still can't hear me talk about the abuse but at least he now acts like a proper partner to me.

What boggles me in this situation is that it was the friend pushing everything. We knew each other through a hobby and he was the one who kept the friendship going once he stopped going to the hobby (not that I didn't want to be friends, it's just that he made the effort to take it beyond the hobby). I mentioned the abuse and he was the one who said I could talk to him, that I was his best friend, he wanted to support me blah blah blah. So I believe him and think "really someone actually wants to listen," I tell him and he just says "no, can't do it, sorry." WTF? There is no way on god's green earth I would do that to someone - see them in such distress and say "I'll support you," then turn my back as soon as it got any bit hard. He didn't have to offer to talk at all - I mentioned it but I was happy not to talk about it further than that as I know people struggle with it. But he offered. I suppose he just doesn't get it. He's a great guy but he has gone down in my estimation.