Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

That is one of the best posts I have ever read cailin. Exactly exactly that.

cailindana that's a great post. Of course there are people who milk the system for all it's worth but that shouldn't stop people in genuine need from getting help.

I have a dilemma at the moment. I've started remembering some horrid things about my childhood but I don't know whether to just try and let them go or to try and have regression therapy or similar to try and get to the bottom of it all and deal with it properly. The not knowing sometimes is awful, like my brain will only give me little clues but leave me wondering if I'm making up things in my mind to fit the little information I have. Sorry if none of this is making sense. I just fear opening a Pandora's box and not being able to cope with it.
I guess my question is has anyone has regression therapy or counselling and did it help/hinder? Thanks

Excellent post cailin, very well said.

Always, hello. It's very distressing when memories come up like this and sometimes the fear of the unknown makes it even harder to deal with. What if I remember something so awful that I have a breakdown?

In my opinion, regression is not very helpful for this type of issue because I think it can force you to access memories before you're ready to accept them. I believe that the way memories come through is at a point where your brain knows that you're ready for them and can handle them.

I would be more in favour of seeing a counsellor who has experience with child abuse and working things through in a safe environment. You can also, with support from the counsellor or therapist, try working through John Bradshaw's book "Homecoming" which has a number of exercises to help you reclaim and protect your inner child. The exercises can leave you quite vulnerable which is why it's suggested to work through it with a counsellor's support.

I think the "full immersion" style of regression is not suitable for many abuse survivors, especially when the abuse was ongoing rather than an isolated incident.

Thank you for your sensible advice pocketsaviour
I remember so many vivid details about the verbal, mental and hitting/slapping/kicking but only vague details that make me convinced there was a lot of sexual nature to the abuse too. It's hard to explain. I just don't know if I want to explore it more for fear of what I may find.

For example I vividly remember being given a very explicit sexual fantasies book and being told to read it, I think to de-sensitise sone things that may have gone on to make it seem more normal. I also have bad feelings towards some people who were around my family when I was young, nothing I can quite put my finger on other than they are bad people if that makes sense

I was shown porn as part of my abuse Always - I think giving you the book was in itself an abusive act, and possibly something your abuser enjoyed thinking about.

Hypnotherapy isn't recommended for these kinds of memories. Partly because, as pocket said, it can access memories before you're ready. Of course, it often doesn't feel like you're ready when they do come up, but it's not something to force - and any remembering is best done hand-in-hand with working through the effects on your mind, body and spirit.

I was flooded with intrusive thoughts when I started therapy, but had very patchy memories. I thought I needed to try to remember everything or I'd go mad, but really I needed to slow down and spend a lot of time working on building up my internal resources and coping mechanisms. I see now that I wasn't - and still am not - ready for the things I think I want to remember.

My therapist also made the point that hypnotherapy (which he is trained in but doesn't do with me) would be hugely problematic as it would require me to completely give up control, which I would really struggle with.

That feeling of not remembering is awful. But I agree with Peppermint that you can't force it. You just have to accept that these things will come up of their own accord. It's horrible to feel at the mercy of the memories - I've found it really hard when something just pops up and I'm left dealing with it all of a sudden - but it is reassuring to think the mind only does this as it's able. If you can accept that this is how it happens you get used to it I think and it feels more manageable and safe somehow - like your brain knows what it's doing and is just processing and will get there in time.

I often wonder what it must be like for people who end up in a court case or in a situation where all the details of their abuse are brought up in straight-out facts. Is it helpful to hear it all said and confirmed? Or is it horrifying to hear details of things you don't remember?

Thank you so much for the replies everyone. I think you are right, to actually remember every little detail may actually be worse than the not knowing.
cailindana yes I think giving me the book was a horrible weird act, sorry to hear you suffered the same sort of thing. It seems very common from others experiences I've heard about.
Peppermint I agree giving up control would feel impossible for me.

Someone tried to hypnotise me once. Couldn't do it. My brain would not let go and relax. Slightly annoying really, it could be handy for dealing with my binge eating.

One thing I find hard is: it's common for abusers to threaten all sorts of dire consequences if you speak up. Mine didn't. He couldn't. He's deaf and mute. So if he wasn't threatening, why on earth did I go along with it and not tell anyone?

Because you were a child who didn't know what was going on Brid. Please don't find ways to blame yourself, please. I really feel the need to look you in the eye right now and possibly hug you if that wouldn't make you barf.

FWIW my abusers never threatened me either, not that I can remember anyway. In my case, that was because they could see for themselves that my parents couldn't give a shit about me - I was a very easy target. Paedophiles are very good at spotting the easy target.

I knew, even as a child, that there just no point in saying anything to my parents. Heck, the first time I was abused was when my abuser offered to bathe me and his daughter. I objected because even as a child I could see that was weird but my mother insisted. In spite of my (very valid) objections my mother insisted I let a man I hardly knew bathe me along with his daughter, whom I also hardly knew. That gave my abuser the loud and clear signal that I was fair game.

My sister told his daughter once. They lived next door. Daughter told her mother, who replied, "Don't be so silly, your dad'd never do a thing like that." How that woman sleeps at night is beyond me. (Fair play to the daughter though, she testified against him.)

He used to bribe us with sweets and ice lollies. Shit thing happening, have some sugar to take your mind off it. Very obvious where the binge eating comes from.

Thanks for the hug. I'm okay though. It just helps to write things down so they don't go round and round my head.

I want to smack your parents round the ear right now cailin

brid There might not be any spoken threat but there are other ways to cow a victim into silence. He was an adult and would have been probably twice your height and two to three times your weight. He was doing horrible scary things to you that you probably didn't even fully understand or know how to describe.

That's something that stopped me saying anything when my dad first started. I don't know the words for "grope" or "sexual assault", I had no idea what sex was apart from the basic mechanics. I had literally no idea that people had sex for pleasure, I thought they just did it because it was time for a baby. So I had no framework whatsoever to describe what was happening, and no understanding of why it was happening. He used to say he was "tickling" me. So sometimes I used to laugh while he was doing it, because that's what you do when you're tickled, right? This, of course, was again thrown in my face by the abusive wankbadger

Something that comes up again and again in stories of abuse is the colluders, like that man's wife. They are everywhere, people who turn a blind eye to abuse that should be as obvious as the nose on their face. People like my mother who facilitate abuse simply by being too stupid to see what's going on right in front of them. What's going on there? I can't help but think these people get some sort of sick pleasure out of it or are so cowardly that it feels easier to them to just pretend it's not happening and allow the abuse to continue. They sicken me. They could stop it but they don't. They shoulder a lot of the blame IMO.

You would be quite welcome to do so pocket. I would watch and laugh. Thank you for saying that, it does help

Hi Stormy as Cailin great post said, don't worry about people like that - I have a "friend" who can be like this - benefits bashing, abortion bashing, disapproving of anyone who have even made what could be construed as a miss-step in life (come to think of it my dad is like this as well). But she is stunted (as my Dad is), has cut herself off from life so much that she never makes a mistake - because she never gets close enough to people never to have had to make a difficult decision, she is somewhat cosseted by her very wealthy family. I get angry at some of her viewpoints sometimes, but I know that when it comes to coping with the REAL world and REAL people (including the shitty parts) I have more compassion and capability to do so than people like her - I suspect Stormy you are similar.
Worriedandsad please take comfort your DC were able to come and talk to you and you believed them, and you allow them to have their reactions (upsetting as that may sometimes be). I and many childhood abuse victims had to hide feelings/reactions/ disquiet about my abuse for decades, which I think did far more lasting damage than the abuse itself, so I hope you get some comfort from that and you are doing well by your DC.
Always I was similar, i blocked abuse out for many years and it came back in flashbacks and intrusive thoughts - in a way the fact it was not openly acknowledged at the time robbed me of certainty - I had to spend a lot of time wondering on my own "did I make it up?" A lonely and confusing place to be. My therapist told me he thinks that a lot of the stuff started to resurface when I was getting a bit stronger to deal with it, so I'd advise you not to ignore it but take it at your own pace. I did person-centered therapy with a very gentle therapist (man) why over time coaxed what happened out of me but at a gentle pace. He was quite knowledgeable about family dynamics also which helped. I don't think regression therapy or hypnotherapy at this stage would help, as you wouldn't get the support alongside memories coming back.
I know the internet can be harsh, but I think it's comforting that we have our little supportive corner of the internet here

Thanks thegreysheep I think I am stronger now than I was say 10 years ago and maybe that's why little bits are surfacing now as if they had done so before they would have finished me off emotionally.
I agree with others brid that a threat doesn't have to be spoken, just implied.
It shocks me still that people who are meant to protect their children can allow such things to happen through stupidity or even through twisted ideas of their own

Was thinking about threats, this is a very inefficient way for abusers and enablers to keep victims of abuse quiet. It's much more effective to make them doubt their thoughts, needs, feelings, instincts, opinions - it's all in your head/ no this isn't off or bullying you're just being sensitive / it's all right he's your dad, uncle, whatever / don't be rude- the list goes on.

It means the abuser doesn't have to stand guard over their victim or keep making threats, destroy the victims own trust in their own instincts and version of reality and job is done for them.

One of the most lingering damaging effects of abuse for me has been being used to stamping down my thoughts, needs, feelings, instincts and feelings instead of being able to have the right to them and trust them.

One of the most lingering damaging effects of abuse for me has been being used to stamping down my thoughts, needs, feelings, instincts and feelings instead of being able to have the right to them and trust them.

Me too, very much.

As to why you would 'go along with it'. Stormy, you were a child. You're asking something of a child using a voice that feels like an adult's voice. It feels like your voice. But it's not. This is toxic shame talking - that voice inside that lies and whispers that you 'went along with it'. You didn't. You were a child and you couldn't stop it. Maybe you feel like you should have been able to, because you wish you could have, and/or because you were manipulated into thinking that.

Most children don't tell. They are silenced by any combination of fear, trauma, shame, confusion and/or lack of anyone supportive to tell. Or they tell in other ways - through behaviour, for example - that aren't picked up.

You didn't go along with it. You didn't choose it. You didn't know how to make it stop because you were a child and it wasn't your fault.

Now if I could just apply that to myself...

Thanks for the kind words. If only they'd stick! Part of the reason my head started its current spiral was something my mother said a few weeks ago: I was a very carefree, happy-go-lucky child, and then I changed, and they couldn't work out why. So yes, definitely showing signs that something wasn't right.