Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Hello hsppen
I was always angry at my mother but I think it's only when I had my own children, especially DD, that I felt the full force of her betrayal.
I know from your point of view it may seem ridiculous your DH maintaining contact, I still see my mother, I know it's easy to say "cut her out" but it's not that simple. She's the only way I can see my much younger (half) brother for example and my grandparents wouldn't understand without me disclosing the abuse which might literally kill them as they are elderly with heart troubles.
Sorry rambling now. It's good for your DH that he's finally been able to disclose and that he has your support.

Sorry that should have said "Hello Shocked.." (Typing on phone one handed whilst feeding baby, sorry spelling/punctuation a bit rubbish)

I didn't explain well, his parents are dead now, the main reason he's finally disclosed is because they are ...

he's spent 30 years 'getting out' of social events, worse in the last 20 odd years. Paranoid that other victims will see him.
not knowing how to react
he bumped into one of the 'boys' recently år the crematorium when visiting his parents memorial. He said he did chat to him but there was no real eye contact :(
It was a huge circle. Not sure if more men than the one, but a rotating group of neglected boys getting paid in booze, fags n cash
dirty money and he feels dirty. Grooming wasn't a known phenomena back then but it sure existed.
I'm just certain his mum just knew. But part of her mental illness was the attention she needed so having a fucked up misbehaving son was feeding her psychosis (bi polar munchausens allsorts)
Ugh
hope baby let's you sleep soon

Shocked- sorry I understand much better now
It must be very difficult for your DH knowing he might bump into people who were 'involved' as its like your horrible past is jumping up and slapping you in the face. (Hence why I live hundreds of miles from where I gree up)
Also very difficult to reconcile his feelings for his mother as she died with so many issues unresolved.

(It's not baby's fault I'm awake, she sleeps better than me, I've got too many things running about my head)

Hi All,
I have a huge dilemma and I need your help to point me in the right direction.
My DC were abused as small children. I believed them, but sadly, the CPS didn't do anything and we were left to get 'over' it. Over the following weeks, my DC came out with more details. Each time, the abuse was worse. I have to say, they weren't making it up, they weren't trying to 'out do' each other. I feel they knew they were safe so they could finally let it all out. My DD thought I couldn't cope with it - she was 5, just a tiny 5 year old trying to protect her mum! How messed up is that??? Of course I did, and after a long while, the retelling slowed and the DC, at least outwardly, moved on. Emotions would flare up, usually brought on a voice or smell or anything that could connect to the ooze. And we'd chat, try to make sense of things and tell each other how brave and strong we were.
Now, I've just found out that they have actually forgotten the worst of the abuse. The youngest DC now only 'knows' something hinkey happened, but that's about it, my oldest knows more, but can't remember the worst. She is struggling knowing more happened but not what. What do I do? Will it send her further down to tell her? Will it give her peace of mind to know she's right?

I understand. After he disclosed to his siblings and then me, it was me who had a mini breakdown and counselling.
Was interesting as counsellor said that me in effect getting his counselling for it was a part of the pattern of our marriage.
Him being rigid, paranoid and anti social and me Making up for it with family , friends & Dd.
Ah well. It's not about me but boy, I've put up with some poop.

how are you coping with becoming a mum? Dh was a paranoid Ott OCD control freak with Dd ... difficult. Obviously you want to protect your child even more and he found it hard to give her any freedom at all. I'm also very Ott protective so she's been beyond sheltered

Worriedandsad- didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I'm no expert so I don't want to advise you the wrong thing.
I'm pleased for your DC that they were able to disclose to you and not have to carry the burden alone. Could you maybe try calling the NSPCC for a proper conversation and advice? or Childline as They've helped me in the past.
I'm sorry the CPS couldn't prosecute the person who did this awful thing to your children. Hugs for your children and for you too, can imagine how difficult it must be for you all.

Shocked - for a long time I underestimated how hard my DH found it to hear me talk about the abuse (and he doesn't know all of it to be honest, don't think he could handle it). In supporting your DH make sure you look after yourself too.
Having my DC was the best but most terrifying time in my life. I didn't really know 'how' to be a normal parent, I'm much too hard on my son but I recignise that now and am trying to chill out a bit.
Having the children, especially DD made a lot of feelings come out about the abuse, just don't understand how or why someone could hurt a child like that. I'm also angry and grieving for the life I should have had.
I'm way too protective of DS and know I'll be even worse with DD unless I learn to manage my anxiety. I find it difficult to even let them be alone with family members I trust, as irrational as that may seem.

Sorry I posted that and then vanished - went to sleep. It all just feels so big and heavy at the moment. Other people have normal families and I got this instead, how is that fair? And when I try to talk about that in real life I get: well, you don't know that other people have normal families and etc. Well I know that not all of them are like mine, I know there are people who felt safe and loved as children.

worriedandsad I second the suggestion of talking to the NSPCC. Have your DC had any therapy of any kind?

Pepper, my DD had therapy, but as an adult. SS didn't think it was necessary when it all come to light . Beggars belief I know.
You know, I always hoped 'lessons' would've been learned and children going through this would get the help they need, but after reading some of the experiences of previous posters, it seems not.
What a freakin nightmare.

I'm so sorry, that's really shit of them. Did the therapy help? I will say you don't need to remember details to heal. It's more about dealing with the effects.

I have also forgotten a lot and while I'm obviously so sorry to hear what your DC went through your post helped me feel a little less mad. I don't remember things coherently which is why I haven't tried to press charges.

I am actually training as a therapist and do something related now (being vague for confidentiality/boundary reasons) so am having to also dig through my own stuff, there's no getting away from it.

Worriedandsad it's crap to that your DD wasn't offered more help by SS but it seems they just don't have resources.

PeppermintCrayon it's good that you are using an awful personal experience to do good as a councillor and help others, that takes a lot of strength and guts especially as you know it could trigger difficult feelings in yourself.
I'm out with DH and the DC today, nothing special just a wander round shops but the sunshine helps my mood and when DS gave me a random hug and DD gives me a gummy grin I can't help but look at the innocence in their eyes and hate anyone who could even contemplate hurting my or any other child

worriedandsad I'm so sorry I didn't see your posts last night, we must have kind of cross posted
I do know my friends d sis had regression therapy and it made her worse
deffo talk nspcc

How is everyone doing?

I'm doing better than I was last week. Fewer intrusive thoughts. And I found the motivation to push the hoover around today. Possibly it's the prozac, possibly it's just placebo, or maybe it's just because the sun's shining.

My stepfather abused me for 3 years between the ages of 13 and 16. When I told my mum she said it was because I had big boobs. I actually haven't!
Now she's very sick and dependent on me as my 2 brothers have no interest in looking after her or even visiting. The only way I can deal with it is not to ever think about it, and let it go...however much I'd like to tell her how I feel.

That's good news Brid. Do you have someone to talk to in real life?

Serengelly it's really awful that your mother said that. You know it's bullshit don't you? You owe her nothing.

An update from me.

I told my OH. He was great, he kind of knew. Talking to him has massively helped me to further sort out wtf actually went on in my childhood. It is scary because the abuse is more present in my mind than before and I have started to recall many more details. But on the other hand I do not feel that I am dealing with it alone anymore.

kurious feeling less alone is such a major thing. Well done!

I'm just plodding along at the moment

Always thank you, that's kind of you to say.

kurious I'm really glad it helped to tell your DH.

Sending good thoughts to everyone. Currently wigging out over smear test reminder. That chat thread about smears being easy and fine has given me the rage.

kurios I'm so pleased your dh has been great.
it's a horrible horrible thing for you to live with and it may upset him more as time passes.

I know that as a wife of a discloser, I've found the anger very hard to deal with. I've had to get round things like knowing the animal came to my wedding thru blackmail, that he smirked at me and the double meaning behind things he said. Whilst remembering I'm not important in this. So he may be more emotionally affected than you'd think.
Dh still won't talk about it at all or about counselling but he's getting happier. Slowly.
I hope it's given you the relief it gave him

That's really great news kurious. Telling people is incredibly hard but I have found it so helpful - it turns the whole thing into so much less of a burden.

I am in the same boat with the smear test Peppermint. I'm two years overdue for mine but I can't convince myself to do it.

shocked I like the way you note that it's not about you. I had to tell the police to prevent the friend I told from doing something stupid that would have seen him locked up. I was too caught up in what was going on to really think about it at the time, but I've thought about it a lot since. It was all about my friend, his reaction, his anger. It should have been about me.

I have people I could talk to in RL, but I don't like to, because it's so hard for them as it is. My dad, my brother, they feel tremendously guilty as well as angry - my dad for not protecting his daughters, my brother for knowing something was amiss but being too young to understand and do anything about it. Talking to them about anything detailed epic end up all about me making them feel better. And I can talk to my sister about it, and we do from time to time, but I don't want to rake it all up for her when she's in a coping phase.

A benefits thread upset me this morning. So much vitriol towards people bringing up kids without jobs. People talking about how tax credits should go, which would leave us starving. And I feel like: this wasn't supposed to be my life. I was academically brilliant, I should have done alright for myself, but what was done to me when I was so young and my brain was still laying down pathways that would stick for the rest of my life, it's screwed my head so badly that I haven't ever been able to work full time. What was done to me has put me in a position where half the country thinks I'm the problem. It's horrid.

I've come to realise Brid that people who think like that are shrivelled up with fear. I pity them, honestly. They absolutely fear a situation where they need state assistance and so convince themselves that such a situation either can't exist or if it does, it is due to some defect in the people needing help - some defect that they don't have themselves. They convince themselves they could never be in a position where they rely on income support or tax credits or PIP. They are the people who, if life does seriously knock them down, simply won't survive. All the vitriol they heap on faceless fictional 'scroungers' will come crashing down on their own heads and they'll be crushed. All of that nasty bile runs through their own veins, they have to live with it, day by day. They are small, ugly people. You have something they will never have, no matter how much money they earn. You have humanity and compassion, you understand the world as it really is.

It's easy to envy that ignorance and stupidity that allows people to blithely claim that state assistance isn't necessary, but don't envy it. You've been given the worst life can give and you've survived. You've seen the world with its mask off and you have hard-won knowledge because of that. You are in a far better position than they are, in the end. They bleat and proclaim and feel righteous because they're like toddlers. They know nothing while feeling they know everything. Pity them. Look them in the eye and say "I'm glad for you that you have been able to maintain that ignorance, but worry for the day that ignorance gets ripped away."