Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

I'm not seeing my therapist next week, so have got time to try and reconcile my thoughts a little.

Yes it's normal. I totally relate. I'm going through that process on a lesser scale af the moment (have had it worse in the past) as I recently told a close friend. Good news is, it was much much easier this time. I feel truly unburdened. It's a great feeling. But the negative thoughts still lurk, they're just quieter.

gruffalo I sometimes get that, too. I feel kind of torn about it because sometimes it's like you've done a good thing by talking about child abuse and making people realise "Wow, I know someone who's been abused. Maybe I should throw off my perception that it only happens in chavvy families, or that it's done by dirty old men who leap out of dark alleys."

But other times it seems I get a mean little kick out of it and I think that's because there's a part of me that's bitter and envious of anyone who doesn't have to think about child abuse because it's never touched their lives. And I sometimes feel like shouting at them "Do you know how lucky you are? DO YOU?!"

I am trying to feel like that less. Because realistically you have no idea how anyone else grew up; they might have been free of sexual abuse but their parents may have beaten them, or been addicts, or anything.

grizzle it is normal to have these fears and doubts when you first start telling people. Over the years you have built up a huge, terrifying picture of the Bad Things that will happen if you Dare To Tell. That people will laugh at you, or say you should be ashamed, that your family will be "destroyed", that people won't believe you, that they'll think you're dirty. None of those things are true.

I hear your talk about the "mask". I know how this feels. Like you have a very tough outer shell, and now if people know you have this hidden history, you won't be strong anymore? Here's some good news: every time you tell someone, every time you do the work in counselling, you are growing stronger from the inside. And at the finish you won't just have a strong shell outside you, you'll have strength in every direction.

pocket wonderful post. I know exactly what you mean about the mask

Thanks pocket, inspiring words.

my main hesitance about speaking up has been this notion of being a victim. Even the name of this thread makes me feel uneasy, as I don't like to use words like survivor etc. I don't want people to see me as different, which they will. It just happened. I know it wasn't my fault but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm sure that others have had far worse things happen.

I guess I just don't want sympathy. I just want things outwardly to remain the same.

But other times it seems I get a mean little kick out of it and I think that's because there's a part of me that's bitter and envious of anyone who doesn't have to think about child abuse because it's never touched their lives. And I sometimes feel like shouting at them "Do you know how lucky you are? DO YOU?!"

I was thinking exactly this.

The first two times I spoke about it - to my therapist and DH - I developed some kind of psycho-somatic laryngitis and actually lost my voice.

Has anyone here seen the film Short Term 12? One of the characters was abused by her father. I found it really helpful as it was very well done but also reacted very emotionally and got very upset, in a way that was hard to square with still being partly in denial about it all.

PeppermintCrayon Great name.

Ha. Thanks. Was thinking of peppermint creams at the time!

I struggle with the idea of telling anyone in rl because I think they would think why am I not more fucked up? I told a close friend a few details about what my house was like when I was growing up and that was pretty much her response. In the past this has made me doubt my perception. Also I think if Im not that fucked up why am I even talking about it?

I struggle with the legitimacy of posting my thoughts here, I understand that it was abuse but it is not like some of the terrible things that people here have been through; there was no violence or force, it did not occur frequently.

But writing about it here has made me realise that I have always excused it/denied it, but actually there is another part of myself that is appalled and fucking angry, and sad. And there have been consequences; a boy at school abused me when I was 8 and I didn't tell a soul because I just thought that was how the world was. I was raped when I was 19 and I didn't think anything of it.

When I saw my brother last week, everything was different, I have started to examine what happened in my mind and it is bringing back my child's eye view of him. He knew what he was doing. It always started as part of a game; never began as sexual or touching and he would gradually integrate it into whatever we were doing.

And I am quietly freaking out about him being near my children, and thinking about how much they trust him. They are young so they are not alone with him, but I need to sort this out

In rl I think anyone I told would find it selfish; and what would I tell them? I'm upset because my brother manipulated me into letting him touch me and see my body when we were kids? Despite her being useless at lots of bits or parenting, I love my mum, I will never tell her this.

Thank you for this post op, because writing about it is helping me to understand it.

I don't see anything selfish in that, kurious.

Kurios, totally hear what you're saying about the 'I'm not a massive fuck up so cannot legitimately have been abused'. Plus, I was sort of complicit with it all. so that's OK.

argh, bloody mess.

Have you confided in anyone recently?

xx

no I haven't told anyone, I can't imagine saying the words. I am ashamed. I know intellectually that I shouldn't be but I have never said anything about any of these things. I have thought about seeing someone to talk about it but I can't get past the idea of having to explain what 'the problem' is. I don't want to tell my OH because I have spent so long making myself able to cope, and fighting to not be a victim, the thought of appearing vulnerable is difficult.

kurious, if you read my posts you'll see I was you just a week ago! some silly

...behaviour of late has led me to start counselling and I've realised that this needs to 'air' if that's to make any difference.

I've told two people in RL. Counsellor and work friend on wed night.

fckn terrifying!!

sorry, just to add. no plans to tell dh or any long term or close friends.

'I'm not a massive fuck up so cannot legitimately have been abused'

I felt this for a long time and I think we all go through this. We've been raised on fairy tales of girls throwing themselves off bridges after being "dishonoured", or girls who run away and live on the streets because they can't stand the abuse at home.

My dad threw at me "If it had upset you that much you would have run away or killed yourself." Like staying and surviving was the soft option. Cunt.

I totally hear what you are all saying with regards to not being a fuck up
I convinced myself in my teens that I got off lightly.
Yes I was taking drugs, drinking and lying constantly but hey lots of girls had actually KILLED themselves so what happened to me wasn't as bad!

pocket I was speaking with my niece today and her Mam my sister told her "Lucy just needs to get over the abuse, it happened a long time ago. Why does she want to keep going in about it "

I'm fucking fuming My three sisters stood by and didn't protect me (they were adults at the time).
My sister witnessed an incidence of abuse by my brother. She only disclosed this info to me last year. I'm now supposed to shut up about it.
I bet she's wishing she never opened her mouth now.

I think there's a lot of inaccurate info about how survivors are 'supposed' to be - so you get fed these stereotypes and think it can't apply.

I didn't plan to tell DH but broke down one night and did. He was great actually.

I'll join the chorus of not feeling fucked up enough. Even though I know, intellectually, that what I went through was bad, it doesn't feel bad enough. Even though under current legal definitions I was raped frequently for five years. Can't have been that bad because he didn't even go to prison.

On the telling other people though... It is terrifying. I told one friend, whose response was "I'm going to kill him," and I had to tell the police to stop my friend from doing something stupid. Fortunately my sister volunteered to do the telling parents. It's hard and it's horrible, but once it's done it's done. And it's quite freeing now, to be able to obliquely refer to my experiences and have people know what I'm referring to without having to go into detail.

thanks grizzle and everyone else. Like you said earlier grizzle really helpful to know that these feelings are common.

I'm really not coping well right now.

I don't really know how helpful I can be but just wanted to join this thread and maybe get or offer support. I was physically and mentally abused for many years, I know there was also a sexual element to it but I think I have blocked out the actual details if that makes sense.
Hope you are ok PeppermintCrayon, I'll be awake for a while now if you need someone to listen

Hope you are ok PeppermintCrayon
Here if you need someone to listen

I was physically and mentally abused by my mother for many years. I also know there was some sexual element but my brain has blocked out many of the details if that makes sense.
Since I had DS and more recently DD I find it even harder to look at my children and understand how my mother could hurt me the way she did.

peppermint you ok?
always dancing how just how can parents fo this?
I'm so angry at dh parents for ' allowing ' this to hsppen.
Dh had done his usual. .. because he was.part of a whole grooming circle, , lots of boys involved, he's now ditched the family Easter type meal out this week. He starts making excuses and ultimately doesn't go. I thought that as he finally disclosed after 30 odd years together the REAL reason he does this, that he wouldn't anymore.
Sigh