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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

721 replies

cailindana · 10/03/2015 14:17

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

OP posts:
StormyBrid · 01/04/2015 09:56

Hello all, just posting to mark my place. Not dealing with things terribly well at the moment. Will be back to post properly later.

LucyBabs · 01/04/2015 17:04

peppermint
I wish my abuser would fall off the face of the earth. He's young enough so don't think he's going to die anytime soon!

The memories I have of my abuse are unfortunately very clear in my mind.
I can still smell his awful breath and body odour.
I'm hoping in time with therapy these memories and feelings will fade, it effects my sexual relationship with my dp.

The more I think of cutting contact with my family the more sense it makes.
I can't deal with their backwards thinking. They pretend everything is ok and if one if them tells me again to 'move on, it happened a long time ago

LucyBabs · 01/04/2015 17:11

Damn it hit post by mistake!

I was saying my family tell me to get over it and to not let him win by letting the abuse get to me. WTAF they haven't got a bloody clue and it makes me so angry that they dismiss my feelings to make themselves feel better or absolve themselves of any wrong doing!

So angry now Angry

stormybrid
Do come back and chat we're here to listen Flowers

StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 08:04

Not letting it get to you because that way the abuser wins drives me up the wall. It's just not as simple as that.

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ring the doctor and ask for help (depression, anxiety, PTSD, and binge eating as a totally screwed up coping method). Except I'm worried they'll tell me to bugger off and stop being so silly and to just grow up and get on with my life.

Original poster
cailindana · 02/04/2015 08:08

The doctor won't say that Brid. Sorry you're having such a hard time. Things can and will get better. Do you have any RL support?

OP posts:
StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 08:27

Yeah, got family - only good thing to come out of me and my sister being molested by a neighbour is it made us much closer as a family. But I can tell my head's starting the downward spiral again so I figure looking for support everywhere I can is probably the best idea. And my family don't really need to hear specific details of what's bothering me.

What happens if there's nothing the doctor can do? I feel permanently broken.

Original poster
cailindana · 02/04/2015 09:24

I know that feeling. But it's the depression talking, telling you you can't get better. For me, when I know I'm in that downward spiral it helps for me to ignore my own thoughts as much as possible and to listen to others who aren't in it and have a clearer view - do you think that would help you?
I just write off my thoughts - let them come but give them no credence and just outright ask others about what's true and what's not, no matter how silly. Last time I was really depressed I got obsessive about money so I told DH he'd have to do all my money thinking for me. I would then ask him throughout the day things like "If I spend £3 on a coffee will that bankrupt us?" Sounds really silly but I needed to hear the answers and trust what he was saying was the truth. I had to let go of the feeling that my thoughts meant anything and just rely on the fact that the world would keep turning and one day I would feel ok again.

If you go to the doc chances are she/he will suggest anti-d's. Would you be happy with that? Have you had any counselling in the past?

OP posts:
StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 09:32

Tried citalopram once. It made everything flat. Tried three counsellors before finding a good one a few years ago, which helped a bit, but now it feels like seeing her just put a plaster on a gaping wound.

On the plus side, my "talk about this to make it real so you have to ring the doctor" plan worked - appointment's in half an hour.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 02/04/2015 09:34

I do the same Cailin I ask him the stupid things I keep thinking, and he tells me it's not true. Down to "if I do this, will this happen" and when I'm having a down time I constantly check he isn't going to leave me.

Original poster
cailindana · 02/04/2015 09:44

It's great that you have an appointment, that's a massive first step. I hope it goes well - come back and talk about it if you feel up to it. Be honest with the doctor about how you feel, don't hold back.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 02/04/2015 09:51

Stormy I hope the doctors apt goes well. There are other sources of help out there too, just so you know, depends where in the country you are but Rape Crisis is one place to start.

StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 12:57

I now have anti anxiety meds and a referral for CBT. The doctor did that thing they all seem to do these days, where they don't say what they think might help, they ask what you think might help instead. Bloody irritating: I'm not the expert, I don't know what services are available, and if I knew what I needed to fix my head I'd have done it already. I said based on my reading online, CBT and that weird EMDR eye thing would probably be helpful. Whereupon she carefully explained to me about how post traumatic stress is something only war veterans get when they've seen terrible things.

I resisted the urge to detail some of the fucking terrible things I've seen, and keep seeing because they keep popping into my head every thirty seconds.

I have to go back in a month to see how I'm getting on with the meds. I think I'll be requesting a different doctor.

Original poster
cailindana · 02/04/2015 13:01

Oh dear she sounds like an idiot. I can't believe that a supposedly intelligent person would really believe that PTSD is something only war veterans get! Was she very young?

Are you going to take the meds?

OP posts:
StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 13:11

I'll give them a try, it can't hurt. Doctor also said the tablets can cause increased appetite, which isn't ideal for a binge eater. I had to point out that my binge eating isn't caused by hunger. I can only assume mental health problems aren't her speciality.

Original poster
cailindana · 02/04/2015 13:21

Yeah I've come across some properly shit GPs in my time (and some great ones). When I had PND when DD was born I knew exactly what was happening as I've been severely depressed before, so I went to the GP and told her the situation and she said I should go for a walk and that because I knew about depression I wouldn't let it get worse. I couldn't believe what she was saying to me - she, as a medical professional, actually thought it was possible to stop and illness just by knowing about it. She also thought that an entirely exhausted mother of two small children, one of whom bfed and cried all the time, would have time to go for a walk. She was an utter buffoon. I went home, called the surgery and made an appointment with a different doctor for the next day. I told the other doctor what the previous doctor had said and she was horrified.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/04/2015 13:44

Yes Stormy please do see a different GP if this one was shit. Can't believe any medical professional doesn't know about PTSD. What a tosser.

PeppermintCrayon · 02/04/2015 14:31

"Whereupon she carefully explained to me about how post traumatic stress is something only war veterans get when they've seen terrible things."

This is COMPLETE BOLLOCKS and I'm sorry you had to hear it.

StormyBrid · 02/04/2015 14:52

On the plus side, at least I knew it was bollocks as she was saying it. I know which doctor to see next time though: the lovely one who helped me find a good counsellor and was happy to keep writing sick notes until I had my ATOS miracle cure four years ago.

grizzlegrumps · 02/04/2015 20:57

Just wanted to share some news from me. I got completely obliterated last night and poured my heart out to a work colleague. I'd been gearing up to telling counseller today but got upset last night and blurted it all out.

She's a good friend/confident but I'm mortified. Why did I have to open my big mouth? Literally the first time I've told anyone, cannot believe it. She's been in touch today to reassure me which is sweet.

Saw my therapist today properly told her. She was very lovely and just suggested I stay off the booze for now as it's so front of mind right now, I could end up blurting out more to DH (who I absolutely don't want to tell). She also reassured me that I don't HAVE to tell DH, which makes me feel a bit more reassured.

Just wanted to share.

shockedhowunshockediam · 03/04/2015 14:02

It's a bit cliché but
'It's good to talk'

gruffaloshmuffalo · 03/04/2015 14:07

I find I get a sick sense of pleasure when I make people awkward. For example, we were talking about Lost Prophets at work and I said I used to love them, but I can't listen to the songs now I know Iain Watkins is a child abuser. A girl then put the one of the songs on, and told me to just not think of him being a paedophile. Really calmly I said that I was abused as a child so I can't not think about it. She looked and felt awkward, which made me happy. Just fleetingly. That's messed up isn't it?

Original poster
cailindana · 03/04/2015 16:56

I know what you mean gruffalo. I don't think it's messed up. From my point of view I think that there's such silence around abuse that breaking that silence in the way you describe can be almost exhilarating.

OP posts:
StormyBrid · 03/04/2015 18:01

I don't think it's messed up either. It's always uncomfortable to be made forcibly aware of your privileges, but quite satisfying to be the one doing the awareness raising, if that makes sense. I'm not sure it does, my head's a little fuzzy today. But it is such a privilege, to have led a life so personally unaffected that you can just dismiss hideous crimes like the Lostprophets chap committed. I wish I'd not read about what he did; had horrible visions of it when bathing my baby for quite a while afterwards.

Original poster
cailindana · 04/04/2015 09:28

How are doing grizzle? I think sharing like that can be a good thing - it's your sense of self worth asserting itself and demanding to be heard.

OP posts:
grizzlegrumps · 04/04/2015 10:32

OK thanks cailindala. Thinking lots, not quite sure what happens now. Feel a sense of relief having shared it after keeping entirely to myself for the last 21 years.

Not quite sure what I'd expected to happen. Just feels a bit like the mask I've always worn is slipping. Which is quite scary tbh. Starting to feel like I've been a fraud. And perhaps I am not who I thought I was...if I even know what was that was/is?

Eurgh, so many thoughts and emotions to process!

Please reassure me this is 'normal'?