Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Well said sheep. I'm so glad things got better for you. Thank you for posting

Thanks cailindana, it was very cathartic

This is the first time that I'm writing down or even admitting in public that my brother abused me between the ages of 5-13 (I think). Spent so many years trying to forget it.

I'm just embarking on counselling to try and 'fix' myself but yet to tell her about this. But reading on here some of the ways it's affected my life, she probably won't be surprised.

I'm still in contact with my brother. Don't see each other too much but he's got a family whom I adore. Whilst I detest what happened, I really don't think he's a paedo and wouldn't want to tear apart his family because of it. I suspect he struggles with the shame as much as I do, although we've never openly talked. Just a drunken "sorry, I love you" many years ago.

BTW - I am married with two young boys (nearly 4 and 20 month).

Sad that I wanted two boys so I wouldn't have to worry that one might abuse the other. Also scared to have more children in case it's a girl and I'd be paranoid they might abuse her.

I understand your fear of having a girl. I have a DS and DD. When DD was born it sent md into a total tailspin. I've got my head around it now, for the time being.

This thread has really made me think. I am going to write down what I am thinking about. I have never discussed it with anyone before.

I have some memories from childhood that I can only describe as fragments, because I don't know when they happened or what happened before or after, although I know they are all before I was in secondary school.

In one I am naked (I don’t know how old I am) and my elder brother gave me some knickers to put on which he had cut holes out of, at this point I realised that he wanted something dirty (this was how I thought of it at the time) and I refused.

Another time a friend and I had got our trousers muddy whilst out playing and we came in, my dad told us to take our trousers off in the kitchen. I was scared to because I had no underwear on. He knew or guessed why I hesitated. He went mad screaming in my face that I was dirty and disgusting and so on (rages were common but this was memorable I think because I caught glimpse of my friend’s horrified face). Why didn’t I have underwear on? Why was my dad so mad about it?

The friend who witnessed this asked me later on (when we were teenagers), if I was okay, alluding to this and other things she had seen.

There are a few other upsetting loose ends like this.

I barely see my father now and he has no access to my children. My elder brother, who I suspect molested me, is almost certainly on the autistic spectrum, unrecognised by my parents. I mention this because he was extremely violent towards me and my other sibling when we were children also, but has hugely mellowed/matured in the last 30 years, and I think his maturation has been much slower because of delayed development, and the fact that his additional needs were not recognised by my parents. I have contact with him now. He sees my children, and is kind to them. But I don’t leave him alone with them.

I have buried these things for a long time, and never spoken to anyone about them but they seem to be haunting me now. My children are entering middle childhood and I think this is when the bad things occurred, so I am starting to see really how fucked up we all were. I think I have tried to articulate it in loads of different ways over the years but not really seen what the it really was.

I don’t know where to start with any of it. Its such a muddle.

Hi Everyone
thegreysheep
I agree the silence, secrets and lack of help regarding my abuse is what made growing up living with abuse so hard. I know I would be a different person if it had been dealt with at the time.

grizzle My brother abused me too between the ages of 9-12.
My brother is a selfish arrogant fuck. If your brother apologised even through alcohol maybe he does feel guilt and knows what he did has caused you pain. I don't believe my brother is a pedophile but I think he feels entitled to whatever he wants.

kurious
I too see how fucked up my family is, we were all blindly bumbling through life with our own messed up issues. My parents took responsibility for nothing.

I wanted to ask those of you who have cut contact with your families and abuser how do you deal with questions?
I mean from your family about why you are cutting them off?
I feel completely let down by my siblings. We had a decent relationship until I found out recently that they knew my brother had abused me.

I feel as angry with them as my abuser. Is that wrong?

I need to make a clean break from that part of my life so I can heal.
I don't want to be left with no one though.

I have my dp and my DC, I also have a few close friends but my DC will miss out on a relationship with their cousins.

Confused and so so angry that its me again being 'punished'

I've been watching this thread since it started, wanting to post, but not feeling able to.
I don't think what happened to me was serious enough compared to other people.
I don't remember well enough what happened - if someone challenged me I couldn't defend my memories. Reading up thread that this is common was a revelation. Bisley and Cailin that's been immensely helpful
I didn't tell anyone at the time so I don't have the trauma of being disbelieved. But at the same time, the idea of telling anyone in my family is completely out of the question, and I couldn't imagine justifying cutting contact with my dad.

I basically feel like a bit of a drama queen.

I realise I'm pretty fucked-up sexually, but I can't say with certainty where that stems from because there are a few likely contenders. So it makes it harder to say if it was definitely abuse and if so whether it affects me.

I think feeling like a drama queen is normal. I'm aware that what happened to me, that I know for sure, isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I know it was, because I was a child. But it's a common enough thing to do.

I'm starting to come out of the other side of the funk. I had a great weekend with my husband, while my children were at my brothers, which has put me in a good frame of mind.

I'm aware of a hazy memory, fragments really, of something more happening. I can't be sure, but I believe I was raped now. It's something about the memories and the realization of it, it's made it easier iyswim? Not gone away, but in my head it makes sense. Nothing could ever happen about it. My mom went to the police when i was a child and it didn't go anywhere, it was my word against his. I remember her telling me he went to prison, it wasn't until years later she told me the truth. That although there were signs of something happening, it was my word against his. She told me that she said he went to prison because I was too scared to leave the house. I understand why she told me, and I in no way blame her. It must have been really tough for her.

Regarding being fucked up sexually - I feel the same way. There's times I cant get enough, really can't, and other times where just him coming near me for more than a cuddle makes me freeze up. It is having an effect on my marriage, and I hate it.

Hi all, grizzle LucyBabs ThreadSpecific gruffaloshmuffalo sad to hear your stories as well, and how there was often silence and collusion amoung families, which when you're a child gives you the message you're to blame and the one who is disgusting and dirty. I recognise that feeling well. Although it's painful to confront the memories, it's a very brave thing to do, and helps to remove the blame and shame from you to where it rightly belongs - the abuser.

I confronted him when I was 18. We were coming back from the hospital my step-dad (I see him as my actual dad) had an appointment. We walked passed a crowd of people at a bus stop and my mom noticed him. She went all white and told us who it was. Mom and dad looked at me and asked if i wanted to confront him. I said yes. My dad went back to him and said "Blah my step daughter wants to ask you something" everyone at the bus stop was watching. I went right up to him and said "why did you abuse me as a child?" He denied it. Denied it to my face. Everyone at the stop backed away from him. My dad shouted to everyone at the stop "that man is a paedophile" and the bus turned up, he got on it and it was over.

I stood and shook for ages. Dad felt awful that it hadn't helped and he offered me loads to do (his credit card for a shopping trip at waterstones, Ben and Jerry ice cream, anything) but i just wanted to get home. So we did.

I felt awful that i just stood there as he denied it. How could i not challenge him about it? He denied it! Even now, 10 years later, I'm ashamed that i didn't push the issue.

He felt no shame, instead, i did, and my lovely lovely dad felt awful

You were very brave gruffaloshmuffalo especially with other people standing there, and glad your dad and mum are supportive. To be honest, he was probably unlikely to admit it so don't feel bad about not pushing it.

Due to age and death of my abuser I never really got to confront him, but I do remember him coming up to me at my grandfather's funeral and wanting to shake hands, I was too shocked to speak but kind of stood there still, dumbly, and didn't do it. I kind of felt sorry for him it was later in his life and perhaps he felt some regret?

When my grandfather died a lot of relatives wanted him to be allowed to come to my parents house after but my mother stuck to her guns and sais no, it wouldn't be fair on me. Though the fact relatives made such an issue of it meant they must have had an inkling and still wanted him to be allowed to come. What really upset me though is they tried to manipulate my younger siblings into asking me why he couldn't come - he will be lonely all alone at home, why won't you let me come - they didn't have a clue what was going on as young children so were innocently asking me in front of everyone - so tough. idiots - the relatives I Mean.

My mum was good at sticking up for me in fairness, but a few years ago she did something that took my breath away. She was showing me a yearbook our parish produced, covering a certain year, and produced a photo saying do you know who that is? It was a photo of my abuser as a younger man, in his twenties, it took a moment to recognise him and they way she was going on "there's your great-uncle XXX" it seemed to have completely slipped her mind. I didn't say anything at the time but was in total shock and shook up. So, don't feel bad, these things are never easy

The thought of even seeing my abusers never mind confronting them gives me horrors. I also think you were very brave to say what you said gruffalo.

One of the really hard things I've found about engaging with other people about the abuse is that they forget, or appear to, like your mum did grey, or they don't realise that, even though you're not crying and screaming about it, it is a really sore spot and they do need to tread very very carefully around it. It can feel a bit drama-queenish reminding people all the time. It has felt in the past that I've told people, they've been incredibly understanding, supportive etc and then bam it's like I never told them and they're talking to me as if they know nothing about it. I suppose sometimes people do genuinely forget or sometimes it's their way of trying to be 'normal' with you and not make a big issue of it. Perhaps your mum was trying to provoke a response from you greysheep? As in, she pointed him out in the hopes you would talk about what happened?

Thanks cailindana I don't know, I think she just totally forgot! And though she said my grandfather never abused her (though my grandmother stopped sharing a room with my grandfather shortly after my mum was born, but shared a room with my mum instead - ill-health of my grandmother was the reason given - perhaps there was something, or the threat of something?). TBH, I think all of us having to live with my grandfather (we grew up in his house, mum was an only child) knowing what he's done to my friends/cousins meant we all (those of us who knew anyway) had to become good at compartmentalising!

As for feeling a drama-queen, I think some ppl who have never experienced abuse (or those that are in denial that they have) tend to underestimate the effects, though I find the vast majority of people supportive. Also I think there's an element of that it would be just handier for all concerned if you just forgot about it and shut up and got on with things?

My parents' attitude is definitely the "handier for all concerned if you just forgot about it" one. But then that's how they live their entire lives - heads buried in the sand 100% of the time. They feel neither happiness nor sadness. It's a bizarre way to live and I wonder if in their last years they will regret it. Chances are they won't even recognise that that's what they did.

Yes cailindana it seems easier to live their lives like that, but as you said burying their heads in the sand is numbing overall. I used to think I was weird or a trouble-maker or the black sheep for not just putting up and shutting up, but while it is more difficult and hard to live through acknowledging the abuse and issues in the short-medium term, I think longer-term it is the best way to heal - "to put it behind you, you have to let it through you". So, hence my user name, I'm not the black sheep, but thegreysheep - not bad, not perfect, but ok!

I agree. My parents' world is entirely fake - full of secrets, people hiding things, not talking about things. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. It's such an awful way to live. My mother's refusal to address anything means that she's spent nearly 40 years with an entirely useless man and is afraid to retire because she'll have to be around him all the time. Two of her 3 daughters barely talk to her, the third still lives at home and makes her life miserable. She refuses to engage with or deal with anything. She barely exists in her own life.

Sorry to sound needy but did anyone read my last comment regards cutting contact and how to deal with it. I'd appreciate your input. Thanks

Lucy sorry, I saw it but didn't know what to say as I've not had to cut someone out.

Sorry Lucy I missed your questions. I'm low contact with my family and practically no contact with my older sister, mainly due to the fact that my sister is a nasty bully and my parents let her make my life and my younger sister's life an absolute misery. With my sister she tried every trick in the book to goad me into continuing to fight with her (this is the only interaction she understands or is capable of) and I just said "I don't want a relationship with you" over and over. I didn't explain why, though she does know. With the rest of my family they don't question the low contact because they know I will tell them exactly why and that doesn't fit their "head in the sand" mentality.

Lucy, I did see your comment but also didn't reply as my Dad was abusive in other overt ways so my mum didn't question it at all. Pretty much as soon as I had kids I told my mum I would cut contact with her too if she brought him near them. He hates me so is not a problem for him.

Hi Lucy,

I have not seen my dad (my abuser) since 1988 although I have glimpsed him in the street a couple of times (in fact once I nearly ran him over on a zebra crossing but my boyfriend grabbed the handbrake.)

Anyone enquiring "Why don't you see your dad" gets told "because he's a child molester." The conversation tends to move on to other subjects quite quickly He didn't have any siblings and his mother was awful so I haven't seen her since then either and certainly haven't missed her. In fact I think she probably abused him since he hated her.

Regarding confronting abusers: well done Gruffalo although he denied it (not surprising really) I am glad your mum and dad supported you. It was brave of you to speak to him at all and I hope you do know how courageous you were.

I have never engineered a confrontation with my dad because a) I have a tendency to cause fights anyway and the last thing I'd want is to end up getting arrested and b) what's the point? He'd just come out with the same old crap: it never happened; your mum was frigid so I had to turn to you; it did happen but only once; it was your fault because you were so seductive [translation: you grew boobs]; okay it happened more than once but not more than a dozen times; you were my special girl and we had a close bond (VOMIT); okay it happened more than a dozen times but definitely not the 700 times you remember; nothing happened actually, you made it all up; insert gaslighting here; it wasn't my fault I was a lonely widdle lamb; etc etc usual abuser's script.

Sorry lucy for not answering more. In my case my parents cut the contact for me due to age, when ppl asked I think they made up an excuse. As for me I avoided when I got older, did get some questions but to be honest I usually just froze, I was still quite young, sorry. A few times my mum told ppl it was between us and him and ask him if they wanted.
Sorry not much help to you. Maybe get as much counselling support as you can and if ppl ask have some stock answers like, they know why, or you have your own reasons or something like that? Hugs x

Thanks so much everyone Didn't want to come across as needy or pushy just really struggling with this aspect of the abuse.

I won't ever confront my brother (abuser) it won't give me any closure and he's a compulsive liar so what's the point.

I dream of reporting him and being there when the police arrest him. I want him to suffer, I want his life to be ruined. I'll work through this part with my therapist as I feel it's not healthy for me to wish those things and it doesn't help me.

My family was dysfunctional from day one. My poor Mam she tried her best and she was wonderful in so many ways but hopeless when it came to emotions and support.
My Dad was an alcoholic, he was abusive to my mother and just a horrible man in general.
We had a big family and mostly we all disliked each other. There were so many lies and all issues big or small were brushed under the carpet.

I feel so sad about it all. My Mam and Dad died two years ago, four months apart. The pretend family we had has fallen apart. I don't know what I miss, it was fake.
I start with a psychotherapist next week. I need to move on from this.

I want a happy life and my two beautiful DC deserve a completely different and a much happier childhood..

I have cut contact with my entire birth family due to various kinds of abuse and toxicity etc. I don't receive their questions - they are all blocked on facebook and on my iPhone and any emails are filtered out and forwarded to DH who has instructions to only tell me if someone dies. I live in blissful peace now. I have let go of the idea of getting them to understand or accept my perspective and I don't give a flying fuck about what they say or think about me.

My parents' world is entirely fake - full of secrets, people hiding things, not talking about things

Mine too. I was abused by several family members but my dad was the original abuser. I was also raped in my teens and had some very abusive relationships before I met DH. I still feel like it all happened to someone else and I'm just going crazy.

I think if I tried to talk to my family they would claim my therapist put ideas in my head. There's just no point trying. I don't feel able to report to police because my memories are jumbled up, I don't know dates, and some of my memories are quite confusing because they are a child's interpretation of events. I rang the police once to discuss it and had a massive mental health crisis afterwards. I just don't feel able to try. I fear it would finish me off.

He's old and ill now so hopefully he will die soon - and anyone who thinks badly of me for saying that, I'm really not interested in hearing it. hopefully nobody on this thread would though.