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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

721 replies

cailindana · 10/03/2015 14:17

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

OP posts:
NYE2015 · 19/03/2015 13:17

New and MEANINGFUL relationships, not meaningless! Bloody autocorrect!!!!

cailindana · 19/03/2015 13:41

Wrt the belief thing - it's not so much that I felt I wouldn't be believed, it's that I felt saying anything about myself was like talking into a vacuum - it just went nowhere, and nobody heard it. Almost like I didn't exist, which is a feeling other people have referred to.

What helped me with that feeling was breaking away from my family. They can't connect with me or interact with me as a real person at all and being around them makes me feel invisible. It's only since I've been living in a different country (for the last 6 years) that I've started to feel "real" - it's like what I imagine it must be like getting sensation back in a dead limb - great in some ways but entirely dicombobulating and hard in other ways. I don't want to go back to having that dead limb but getting used to a new reality - where I'm real, live person who has impact on the world, has been disconcerting. And also wonderful, in so many ways.

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BisleyBoy · 19/03/2015 15:02

I hope someone can help me with this and give some advice/encouragement. I am seriously looking into going to the police/pressing charges about my abuse. I'm trying to read up about it and dh is having lunch with someone he knows in the police to get some advice about who to speak to and what to expect etc. In some ways I'm really exited/uplifted about it, but in another way I'm fucking terrified. Right now I just feel like curling up into a ball.

pocketsaviour · 19/03/2015 15:32

Bisley, I think it's great if you decide to do this and you get a good result.

However there are a lot of factors to consider. The reception you get from the police force will depend largely on where you are. If you are in a large city you are more likely to get better support. Sorry I can't remember if you are seeing a counsellor at present, but I think it would be good to have a support system in place to help you deal with this. Although your DH will of course be supportive.

BisleyBoy · 19/03/2015 16:00

Thanks pocket, I'm in London. I am also seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. Do you know if they will be called as expert witnesses?

shockedhowunshockediam · 19/03/2015 16:38

What ça linda said is so true opie.
your children have had what my dh ans the others on this thread did not.
They could ans did come to you. You did listen. My dh did everything to tell his parents other than say it ... his weight, hygiene, behaviour ... all changed and screamed for help. All these folk here, half are sure someone knew.
Your children are ahead of the game, this doesn't have to ruin their future qith silence.
Makes me cry thinking of the physical and emotional that went unseen.
you can see it in your children. I fucking wish you didn't have to, my dh was around your son's age when it started ... imagine your son suffering it for 6 years and holding it in until he's nearly 50.
your children are lucky to have you. Please don't feel guilt, you're the mum my dh deserved

gbuk · 19/03/2015 17:10

Pocketsaviour, I never told my family about the abuse, only my DH knows. It's certainly true my mother has never had a bad word to say about my sister, and is/has always been concerned she should never be upset. Whereas I have always been treated as though I have no feelings.

Opiesoldlady....you sound a wonderful mother and the fact that you believe your children and that they know that is goingnto be one of the main things that will help them. I wish I had a mum like you

TheBlackRider · 19/03/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBlackRider · 19/03/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpiesOldLady · 20/03/2015 07:13

I honestly feel the furthest thing from a wonderful mother. I feel like I have let my babies down so incredibly badly, and I honestly don't know if they will ever forgive me for that. I hope they will. I know I won't.

In the next few weeks I will be watching and reading the children's police statements and trial evidence. I am expecting it to be incredibly difficult, but I feel it's something I have to do, for them. I wasn't allowed to be there whilst they were interviewed or giving evidence, as I was a witness as they disclosed to me. Letting them do that on their own was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and god, they were both so amazingly brave. The things they have been through... and yet are still here... I am in awe of them - and all of you for still being able to function after what you have been through. Please don't think I meant that in any kind of condescending way, I very much didn't, but I think the very fact that you are all still here now, still functioning... You're amazing.

This is such a hard road to walk down though - for me as an observer, it's torture. I can only imagine how my babies must feel.

gbuk · 20/03/2015 08:17

Opiesoldlady I do hope you have some support in this terrible time. I dont wish to pry but do you have a supportive DH or wider family? Abuse is such a corrosive destructive thing that spreads its tentacles so wide, and I feel doubly sad for you if you are having to face this all alone. (((((Opies)))))

TheBlackRider · 20/03/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpiesOldLady · 20/03/2015 09:04

Sadly not gbuk The same day I found out about the abuse, I also found out that the man I had married just 28 days previously was himself a schedule one offender. My mum is dead, my dad has dementia. I don't really have any contact with my brothers and sisters. But, I am incredibly lucky in that I have some amazingly supportive friends who have literally held me up when I didn't think I could carry on. I'll be ok because I have to be.

cailindana · 23/03/2015 14:42

Hi guys just bumping the thread again to keep it going

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 24/03/2015 14:19

I haven't posted yet, but will.

Best wishes to everyone.

pocketsaviour · 24/03/2015 14:35

I think the very fact that you are all still here now, still functioning... You're amazing.

Thank you opies and it didn't sound condescending :) Bear this in mind too: most of us on this thread disclosed to our parents (or one of them if the other one was the abuser) and were told we were lying, or to stop making a fuss, to never speak of it, that we were the problem and we probably deserved it.

That reaction, in many cases, did as much or more damage than the abuse itself. If I had been supported and believed and encouraged to talk about my feelings, it would not have taken me nigh on 15 years to recover.

You are being a strong advocate for your children; you have believed them; you have done all that is possible to keep them safe; you have searched for professional support for them. This will make a tremendous difference in their recovery, please believe me. It's not going to be a bed of roses, but neither will it be a long crawl over broken glass, as mine was, and many of the other posters here.

cailindana · 24/03/2015 15:04

I echo pocket's last post Opies.

We're here when you're ready Christina.

OP posts:
AMillionNameChangesLater · 24/03/2015 15:14

I'm making my place for later when I've name changed

gruffaloshmuffalo · 24/03/2015 16:31

I was abused as a child by my father's best friend. Not rape, but penetration with fingers, that I can remember.

When I put it like that it sounds cold and clinical. It wasn't. It was deliberate and it's fucked me up. I'm married to a good man, I have two wonderful children, and on the face of it, I'm fine. I had counselling for years, but it didn't help.

I never, and I mean never, feel guilt or shame. About anything. I know how to look like I'm feeling both, how to fake it, but not actually feel it.

My dh was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was so worried I wouldn't be able to. I have a higher sex drive than him, and I wonder if that's because of the abuse. It's hard to know what's normal and what isn't.

I struggle every day trying to be normal.

cailindana · 25/03/2015 20:51

Thanks for posting million - we're here when you're ready.

Gruffalo - can you describe a bit more what you mean by "normal"? I know you say you don't feel guilt or shame, but what I'm wondering is why you think you should feel guilt and shame - and what you should feel these things about?

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gruffaloshmuffalo · 25/03/2015 22:49

A couple of weekends ago I went out with some friends, and I got drunk and kissed someone else. I don't feel guilty about it. I mean, I should. I'm married to a wonderful man. The normal reaction would be to feel guilty, isn't it?

I just compartmentalise things, so don't think about stuff. Aside from wondering if my lack of guilt makes me a sociopath. It's hard to explain. I don't understand myself.

I don't deserve the things I have, the family I have. I'm not a good person. I'm having a massive struggle time atm, I can recognise when I'm having one, but right now, it's a struggle to do things. I go to work, and put on make-up and dress nicer because I am struggling with memories etc, but now I find out that someone I consider a friend has said I must fancy someone at work, or be having an affair, because I'm making an effort. But I feel it's a mask, when I'm struggling to get up, I make more of an effort so people cant see. And now, there's rumours I'm having an affair.

It just feels like I cant win. So I don't know why I try. I just do

cailindana · 26/03/2015 05:56

It sounds like you're having a crisis at the moment gruffalo - I have those too. Apart from the mask, are there other things that can help you get back on an even keel? Would writing out your thoughts here help?

OP posts:
gruffaloshmuffalo · 26/03/2015 10:43

Thanks Calin

I don't know, is the short answer. I don't know what to do. I just keep plugging through it. I had bad PND with my first born, and was on tablets for a while, but I don't want to go back to that. I'm not depressed, i'm just struggling. Which I don't think the drs would understand. I know i'll feel better soon, I just don't know when that will be.

Writing my thoughts out, they are so jumbled that I don't understand them, and it's a burden on other people reading them trying to work them out. I guess I keep on doing things which make me happy and trying my best

cailindana · 26/03/2015 15:43

I think people here would understand more than you think gruffalo. We will listen.

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thegreysheep · 27/03/2015 11:00

Hi there, long-time lurker and was going to post about a relationship break-up, but had to add to this wonderful thread, which resonates so much with me. I was abused by an extended family member, and my grandfather (his brother) abused many of my friends and cousins. When my parents realised my abuse (I was 3-4 years old) they got the abuser out of my life, but in an indirect way. They believed it best not to speak about it to me, but I grew up with feelings of shame and blame I didn't understand (I had blocked it out) until cousins and friends reported their abuse by my grandfather to me when I was 12, which triggered my buried memories. I went to my mother who met the victims and their parents and said she'd go to police but they didn't want that.

I carried the feelings of feeling shame and being and different and inferior to others for many years, but thanks to chatting with friends who have experience or work in the area, and two years of counselling with a very patient and gentle therapist, I have come out the other end. I feel for people who are still in the middle of suffering, I have been where you are and there is hope and light to come.

I still bear the scars and loss of innocence, but no longer feel dirty or ashamed, just that something happened to me that was not my fault and was not dealt with in the best way at the time.

I believe the silence surrounding my abuse for many years did more damage than the actual abuse itself, and if God forbid it happened to a child of a friend of mine I would urge them to go to the police (don't stop to think) and talk, talk, talk to the child about it - it's not their fault, they are not to blame. Silence and awkwardness are what allows abuse to be perpetuated. I chatted to my mum recently about all this and I was saddened that she suggested medication only as a way of dealing with/blocking out my issues, but I think she came around eventually to the idea of working through things through talk therapy, along with medication if necessary, as a tougher but ultimately more long-lasting way of dealing with this.

I spoke to a friend recently who had been through similar, and is now dealing with a child who is being miss-treated by it's mother (who has her own issues). She was saying she sometimes felt hopeless, the way we treat loved-ones and children, but I told her that what gives me hope is people like ourselves and on this thread who have recognised the cycle of abuse and are trying our best to deal with it, shine a light on it, heal and break the inter-generational cycle.