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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to fix me...

903 replies

WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 17:46

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

OP posts:
chocolatefingersandtoes · 11/03/2015 21:40

What a prick! Something else to bear in mind when you think of his behaviour, and if it's "you or him"...would you ever contemplate treating him the way he treats you? And do it consistently over and over and over? Christ almighty, if he has had it so bad for so long, why don't he leave earlier?? Years ago??

nannyfart · 11/03/2015 22:08

OP I've been following the whole thread.
Your DH is behaving this way because he can. No one is saying to him, "Hang on a minute, actually it's not ok to talk to someone, anyone, with such a lack of respect, especially someone you are supposed to love". No doubt you are so shocked, saddened, disappointed and ground down that you don't have the words. And maybe as a result of your dad's violence towards your mum when you were young, you don't have the courage to speak up either, unsurprisingly.
Rest assured it is him with the big problems, who thinks it is acceptable to treat you like an emotional punchbag as pp said. It is not acceptable. He treats you like shit and drinks too much to try to make himself feel better, irrespective of the impact on you.
An interesting thing happened to me. I am easy-going and put up with several years of increasingly poor behaviour, including regular threats of divorce when DC were small, to keep me in my box. I couldn't work out why he was treating me this way, thinking at least some of it must be my fault. I finally stood my ground, threatening separation for the first time and he knew I meant it. Realising what was at stake he worked hard to change his behaviour. We are now a lot happier together. I am a lot more assertive and much less fearful about speaking up.
This worm definitely turned and by seeking advice here you are beginning to turn too.

springydaffs · 12/03/2015 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 07:41

It's gone very wrong. Sad
I lost my temper with him via text message session -I was not at home. I told him it was okay to do this. Or this.
He's gone apeshit.
I told him I am booking counselling he's gone even more apeshit.
He says he's leaving. And that he's very tired. And I'm a spoilt nasty brat.

OP posts:
WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 07:46

I should have kept quiet. But he just booked a trip without my knowing without asking without even thinking of checking with me. And I lost it.
Now I don't feel very clever. He is SO furious I've said ive seen the Dr Already.

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 12/03/2015 07:54

Don't worry WWO, if nothing else this will help you see his true colours.

After all this time of calling you mad, he's then lost it because you're going to see a counsellor? Have a long hard think about why he should be so upset about you doing something to help yourself be (in his mind) less mad?

And just how childish is his behaviour saying he'll leave and that YOU are a spoiled brat because you want something to suit you - possibly for the first time in years?

Toys out of the pram because a) he knows perfectly well that any decent counsellor will tell you that you aren't mad, but are being abused and b) he's trying to frighten you to get back in your box & spend your life doing what HE wants, because you don't have any right to anything that you want.

Allergictoironing · 12/03/2015 07:58

X-post. He's furious that his wife has seen a doctor without his permission? That should tell you all you need to know about whether it's you or him at fault here - no reasonable person would be angry, more concerned!

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 08:08

I just know something is going to happen today.
Perhaps when I'm out.
Change the locks? Block bank account?
Maybe he will call his mother over to hear how mad I am.

I feel awful. Like I'm on the very edge of being the crazy lady he says

OP posts:
popalot · 12/03/2015 08:14

You don't need fixing, You are having a normal reaction to a lonely situation. It's the situation that needs fixing.

The 'you're f-ing mental' card is tossed out regularly to women (and men sometimes) because we are emphatic and want to believe we can fix ourselves, it must be our fault. This gets played on by less emphatic individuals who want to carry on the way they are without something like your loneliness or sadness getting in their way.

So, fix the situation and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you got children? Can you carry on living this way or do you need to give him an ultimatum? Don't take the 'overreacting' or 'mental' card any more. Stick by your guns. Tell him what you want. He either wants to give you some time or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, then you can decide if the relationship can continue like this. Being undervalued can eat away at your soul.

GoatsDoRoam · 12/03/2015 08:25

Something might indeed happen, WWO: he's going to try one or more of his manipulative tricks to get you back into line. These include: put-downs, tantrums, blame, denial, glossing-over, minising, threats.

It will be unpleasant, it will probably be something you've experienced before and that's worked for him in the past, and it will be further proof of what a bully he is.

Keep building up your knowledge and your strength. You will know what action you want to take when the time is right for you, and in the meantime, of course he is going to keep on being who he is (a bully), and the more your eyes open, the more intolerable it will seem to you.

GoatsDoRoam · 12/03/2015 08:35

A word of advice: his threat to leave is just that - an empty threat that he believes is shocking enough to get you back into line.

However, maybe you can play it to your advantage. You will, at some point, benefit from having him out of the house, and if you can convince him to do so voluntarily, you are going to be spared a LOT of trouble (...just look at all the threads on here by women with abusive husbands who have clocked that their wife wants a divorce and are therefore digging their heels in).

IME, the only way to get an abusive bully out of the house is to convince him that it is in his interest to do so (they are only ever motivated by their own interest, after all).

You could, for example, state that he is oh so very right to call you mad, that you need time and space to work on yourself, that is why you are seeking treatment with a counsellor, to become a better wife to him, and if he moves out for like, a month (it will be longer!) then he will be able to come back to his dream Stepford wife shortly after.

Once he is out of the house, initiate divorce proceedings, and have it entrenched that you and he have different places of residence now (this will prevent him from swanning back in to disrupt your life and piss on what he sees as his territory: abusive men ALWAYS believe that if they own or part-own a property, then it is theirs to have access to whenever they want. If you get the law to recognise that he doesn't live there anymore, however, then he is basically just your landlord, with no access rights, while solicitors sort out divorce finances and the splitting of assets).

This advice is probably miles ahead of where you are now. I just think you should keep it in mind, it may be useful.

GoatsDoRoam · 12/03/2015 08:47

You are not a crazy lady.

You have, however, been bulllied and manipulated for years. You have grown to feel trapped. Now you are beginning to see things that will help you get free, but you are also still "trapped" (not really, but I know it feels that way), which of course will make everything seem a bit unreal, and your emotions heightened.

I guarantee you that you can ride this out, and eventually gather all the pieces you need to walk away from this madness.

queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:20

He told you you are "mental" over and over and over. So now you are getting counselling. Why is he not pleased about that? If he mentions it again...ask him.

This is exactly what happened to me.

Other people's response was....."well, if you do have mental health issues, why is he not being supportive, like a normal husband would?"

Seriously...people can see straight through this shit. Unless of course they are living in it themselves, and many people are. :(

People who seek counselling are usually the sane ones. People who believe that they are entitled to hurt others? Not so much.

Don't worry too much, he won't do anything that will disrupt his own position, and keep posting.

queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:22

...and if he does do anything stupid, do not be afraid to call the police.

Think of the messages you are sending your dc right now. Think of what an awesome role model you now are!

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 09:27

I'm not sure Gp was very helpful. Weeks to wait before I can start this new ' I talk' programme.
She certainly didn't say don't worry you are fine it's all DH. Sounded like I need some help she said.
It's a step right? Feels completely pointless and it's made DH angry as fuck.

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:30

The Freedom Programme will be better. Hang in there. IT IS NOT YOU!

queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:32

Oh, make sure your husband can NOT see this thread. This is very important. Clear all your browsing history, and use incognito.

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 09:32

Thankful for the Freedom programme being next week.
I think I can just turn up as long as I am early.
Just got to get thro today. And tomorrow and the next day ....Sad

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 09:32

Hang in there WWO. You are not crazy and you are not bad.

Let's look at this from the outside.

Your partner tells you that they are booking counselling as they feel low/confused.
Do you:
A. Feel a bit awkward and just say nothing
B. Feel sad that they are feeling unhappy and ask if there's anything you can do to help
C. Shout and swear at them, call them a spoilt brat and threaten to leave them

If you answered A: Pull up your big boy-girl pants and give your partner some support. Mental health is no longer a taboo subject!
If you answered B: Congratulations, you are a normal person who honours their marriage vows and treats their partner as a human being!
If you answered C: You are an abusive twat. Please leave your partner asap to put them out of your misery.

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 09:33

Yes. So far I've only accessed on private browsing and on my phone. He would not like a thread of 'angry ladies' as he call you.

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:35

In the meantime, women's aid...0808 2000 247. It can be hard to get through, but they know their stuff.

queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:36

Realise that he is essentially a terrified toddler in a grown man's body. You cannot reason with a toddler in tantrum mode. This is what he is. Detach, as you would a toddler.

WaitWhatOh · 12/03/2015 09:41

Panicking. Why did the Dr ask the age of my kids? Does she think I'm unfit to be a mother? Is she worried I might indeed be crazy?

She said it won't hurt to put this meeting on my notes ??

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:47

My case was referred to social services and the police as a safeguarding issue, as it was domestic abuse, and can cause long term damage to children.

DO NOT PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!

This is to put support in place for you and your children. You still have one at home? THIS IS TO SUPPORT YOU. The GP may have understood more than you think. This is good.

And remember...HE CAUSED THIS...HE IS THE ABUSER.

queenoftheknight · 12/03/2015 09:48

The fact that you are dealing with it and taking real steps is a sign that you are indeed a wonderful mother.

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