How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

OK. Let's suppose for one minute that you are dull, stupid, and ridiculously needy.

Then you and your husband are still mismatched.
You are still unhappy because your needs are not being met, and he is still unhappy to be with a dull and mental woman.

Also, if you were that distasteful to him, he would have left you by now.
He hasn't, though. Because what he actually prefers is to have somebody around to bully.

You are not dull, stupid, or ridiculously needy, of course.
That's just the story he spins to keep you in your place, and which you are willing to accept because your self-esteem is low enough at the moment.

Self-esteem bounces back wonderfully when we leave people and environments that try to negate us.

Time and time again, we see threads here where women are asking a version of:

"My husband is a shit to me. Why does this upset me? "

It upsets you because you still have a shred of humanity left, although he is busy trying to stamp out the last remains of it. You know that his treatment of you is not ok, deep down. You have accepted far too much of it already, and you are finally, finally reaching your limit.

It's not you, love. It's him.

Regarding the whole "He'll get the kids" worry - I believe you said your youngest two still at home are late teens? In that case they will be asked what they prefer. He may get 50/50 residence but he certainly won't get sole, especially when it's revealed he's working 90 hours a week.

As for you being "dim" - pah! Anyone can see by your posts that you are literate and able to communicate clearly. I think once you have this black hole of negative shite out of your life, you'll be surprised to find that you're actually quite intelligent and capable!

Oh, and the whole going out on Friday thing - presumably he hasn't deigned to consult you about? In which case I suggest you make plans for Friday evening with a friend (or just say you have) and won't be able to accompany him. But since you're apparently "mental" that should come as a big relief to him, no?

If you can't find anyone to hang out with on Friday then just go to the cinema on your own and enjoy a big box of popcorn

I call this "is it me" syndrome. It has taken me decades and a lot of therapy to realise that it is definitely NOT me, and actually I am rather awesome to have survived what I have been through.

I predict that this too will be your future, and you will look back and think what an amazing, strong and extraordinary woman you are. You must be. You started this thread. You KNOW, somewhere in your soul, that it is not you. Let that voice out. That voice is you.

Dentist is good....it is self love! Love yourself lots!

You are lovely people. :)

As for the assumptions I will always go to any shit gathering you guess correctly I never get told, I either overhear or see a message. I've told him by text I am out tonight and out for part of Friday night.
He's text back 'ok' which is far too simple for him. Sounds like something is brewing.
I'm not actually out either night, be my usual sat in car park with book then. Works for me when I don't fancy late night shopping. Yes I actually play him at the 'I go out I am important' game

And you know what? If you were a million miles further on and another guy said "Jesus you are a nightmare", you can be confident enough to say "Jog on, loser".
Ten people could tell you its you, and all it means is that those ten people are all idiots and losers. And even though that sounds crazy now, when youre allowed to spread your wings and start having confidence in yourself it will seem like simple common sense and obvious :)

Are there any Meetup groups near you that might do drinks/meal/coffee nights? Ive used Meetup before when I dont have any friends nearby, its a great way to have nights out or social events when you just dont have anyone to do these things with. Why not actually go out instead of grounding yourself in a carpark?

I do have friends. They tend to plan nights out way in advance tho and I cannot fake my way out of why I need a night out at such short notice.
Meet ups? From mumsnet?

Why fake your way? Just tell them you fancy a night out & can you tag along with them. You could even say your "D"H is going to a really really boring party & you want an excuse to get out of it! Most friends would be happy to oblige you with that

Meetup is actually a website specifically for the purpose of getting people together who want to do things but dont have a ready pool of people, or who want to meet new/more people. Most meetups are free, you just put in where you are and it will show you all the events going on near to you. There are some that want RSVPs (for things like meals where you have to know numbers to book a table) but there are usually social ones as well where you just turn up at a pub.
Its very handy for if youve just moved to a new city/area and know noone, they tend to be very welcoming and friendly since thats the whole point of the thing :)

Ah yes I remember now the 'I must have at least some part in this outcome' agonising. Funny what you forget.

When I found out more about domestic abuse it became apparent to me that what he was doing was in a whole different league altogether. What or who I was, sinner or saint, had absolutely no bearing on what he was doing. Which was controlling me, getting right inside my mind to do it, using brainwashing techniques used worldwide by the big guys. Whether or not he consciously knew what he was doing was immaterial.

The very fact that you and I agonise over our part in it shows we are functioning human beings, adults, willing to take responsibility for our behaviour and actions, willing to find solutions. The fact that abusers do none of this shows where they're coming from.

Darling, it's pitiful you have to hang out in a carpark with a book to avoid his demands. I'm not saying you're pitiful but it's pitiful what abusers drive us to

God I thought I was the only one who did the car park and book thing!! Although in my case it's usually to avoid socialising with people I find boring. These days I tend to go to the cinema instead!

It sounds like you have a strong circle of friends (which is great) but do you feel close enough to any of them to confide in them how you're feeling? although it's good to see you questioning things and getting support from the lovely mumsnetters, someone to actually sit with you drinking tea/coffee/wine and just listening to you is really so helpful.

Well...
I have a friend I've bored to tears with some of this. If you aren't aware of this kind of behaviour your gut instinct is to say leave him and then be annoyed if I Don't.
Other friends... They don't really know and it's just mortifying to tell them. I told one 'friend' once and it was horrific. She has simply taken the view if I don't want DH she might because it can't be all bad when he buys me things.

I hope the GP tomorrow is useful. Because I'm at the end of my hold out and be firm tether. Just be so much easier to apologise and let him tell me what I did wrong on Sunday and get back to vaguely usual around here. Tired does not cover it.

Nothing really to add to all the others say, except that excerpt from the book is chilling. It explains my experience too, word for word. The criticisms disguised as 'advice' or 'instruction', the silent treatment after daring to challenge. I hadn't read such a spot on description of the arguments before either - I was written off as 'over-emotional' and my ex blamed all our arguments on my 'time of the month'. He never apologised for hurting my feelings, only tried to justify himself.

Go easy on yourself, detach to protect yourself, have a long bath, read your book in peace. I hope it goes well with the GP and also the Freedom programme.

Well done OP, like everyone else is saying you are brave and wonderful. [Flowers] x

Those of you who recognise bits of my life as your old one.... Did you all leave your partners? Did anyone work it out and stay? Did your partner ever go actually yes I see it now I was behaving a bit shit?
-and if you left.... Wow. How strong are you!! How did you tell them?

It took me years and a fair few goes at separation.

It was me really meaning it that caused the penny to appear to drop. The problem is trust. Is it real understanding? Is it just more manipulation? I don't know.

I DO know an awful lot about the dynamics of abuse though, and I also understand how I ended up in not one but two abusive marriages.

I did not want my children to think that abuse is in anyway normal, and that is what gave me the sheer force of will and love to go through with what I had to do.

First one I kicked out when he suggested his latest OW move in with us!
Second one left me, but I had to play him to make him stay gone.
They both apologised - much later, and under significant pressure. It seemed very important to me at the time, so I pushed. I wouldn't do that now (not that there will be another time ) as they're not actually capable of understanding all they've done. What matters is that I understand it.

Also, they have both stayed married to other people now. I'm not under any misconceptions about what this means: their wives aren't better or more reasonable than me. They're simply putting up with more than I would. The men don't change.

I DO know an awful lot about the dynamics of abuse though, and I also understand how I ended up in not one but two abusive marriages.

Me, too ... Queen, I'm really appreciating your posts here I am sometimes almost ashamed to still be suffering after-effects of the abuse, so very many years later. You've helped me feel a bit better about this, and even put one or two remaining issues to bed.

I am in the process of divorcing. My STBX is cruel, manipulative and financially abusive.

Since he has not been living in the family home (asked to leave by police) I have become less anxious and feel mentally stronger.

Roll on the end of the divorce process and the end of him believing he can control what I can do, say, or think.

It took me a few years too, and also a few attempts - he would say he loved me, he would change, ask me to help him. I would see glimpses of the man I had fallen for in the first place and think i would give it another chance. I think this is all part of the cycle of abuse. The gaps between my ultimatums became shorter & shorter. What really did it was my realisation that his behaviour was damaging my DCs.

When I finally did ask him to go for the last time, he could tell I meant it. And I would have moved out with my DCs if he hadn't gone, & he knew that. It probably helped that he already had another woman lined up too.

I am more than a million times happier now, and I also have a lovely partner who can't believe how my ex used to treat me & speak to me.

This could be you!

I feel so... In a whole other world from the real world.

He is sat downstairs texting me possible dates to go visit one of dc at Uni.
I cannot think past tomorrow never mind next month. I have no idea if I will even be coherent/alive/in the same world next month.
I realise what's happened - the row Sunday and not speaking is over. I never said listen you cannot talk to me like that especially in front of the DCs
So I have missed my chance and he thinks everything is fine and he can carry on.
Every thing he said is still bouncing round my head. How I felt like jumping out of a moving car just to make him stop shouting how had I am. How he said its my fault. Everything is my fault. His drinking his stress his bad mood.
The pressure of me being apparently so bad for someone is horrific.

He has stopped sulking/ not communicating as he thinks you have learnt your lesson for now.

BTW What's with the texting? Can't he walk into the same room as you and hold a conversation (like an adult)?

You aren't bad. He's abusing you. HE'S ABUSING YOU. IT'S NOT TRUE.

If you are really so awful, why hasn't he left?? Because it suits him to have someone be his emotional punchbag. You don't have to be it.

It's not your fault. It's him.

And you haven't missed your chance. You are an adult, and have the right to raise issues at any point you see fit. But frankly, I really wouldn't bother, it's a complete waste of time.

Seriously, just leave ASAP.

Don't leave ASAP.

Get yourself into a stronger position first both emotionally and financially. Lay some groundwork with close friends, find a good solicitor, get some really good RL advice.

Then get him to leave and secretly flick the V's as he walks away .