How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

The GP is right. You do need help; accept all the help that is offered.

Your DH has gone into scarey/ ranty mode to make sure you know your place and ensure he gets his submissive wife back. He may try different tactics if this doesn't work to his satisfaction. You will have seen all of these behaviours before, you will recognise them; it's a pattern that you and he have followed.

Now you are deviating from the pattern he is getting concerned and has upped the manipulation by threatening to leave. You can change the pattern! Call his bluff. If he threatens to leave again just say "OK". Nothing more needs to be said on your part. I would also try to record some of the arguments, particularly the threat to leave (you can do this on some phones).

Try not to worry too much about all the ranting.

It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.
— Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-28)

Annie that's a brilliant quote.
He has 'gone out on bike' (text)
Which I suppose means
I am very cross driving fast and risking life and limb because of you. It's my day off and I have to go out because of you.

Or quite possibly
I am at my mothers talking about my nightmare wife.

So despite trying to keep busy I can feel I am 'waiting' for his impending return.

I've just read through this thread and would first like to say you have already come a long way since you started it all of 4 days ago!

You are by no means stupid - you write very well and honestly and it is obvious you are trying to see things from both perspectives.

I think you are realising that a lot of other women have found themselves in this position - it's not just you and you are not losing it

You have been given some brilliant balanced advice on here. If you were being ridiculous, MNetters would tell you so and has anyone?

It seems like you have started to detach from him emotionally. This is a good sign in that this is something you are doing for yourself that he is not controlling (he'll hate that!!!)

Briefly I am in the process of divorcing. I was married 21 years and had the full measure of his emotional abuse about halfway in. I detached and kept it together for the DC sake for another 10 years. In the end it was they who encouraged me to divorce. He did his mind games with them to such an extent that they are both on anti-depressants and one is having sessions with mental health.

I fully realise it is early days, but please keep in mind and "just in case" I would collect as much info as you can, and whatever you do, do not leave or sell the house until it is financially viable to do so. We sold our house over a year ago, he had the proceeds frozen leaving me with very little option of where to live as he had the income....just saying!

Your DH storming off is a gift. I suggest you dig out all the financial statements you can find and take copies/photos/screenshots - just in case. I'm talking bank statements, pension, savings, company accounts (think you mentioned he is self-employed) etc.

In his mind he has to tell you it's you who is mad and unstable, because otherwise he would have to face up to the awful truth that it's him who is instead - and that is too much for him to handle emotionally or to even begin to articulate.

Nanny- most of that paperwork is at his main office. I did however go and take pictures of any paperwork I thought might help.
Thank you.
Not sure it will come to needing it but I now have it.

Hi Wait. You are doing so well. I know it doesn't feel like it and you are probably feeling sick at the moment and not a little scared. But you are being so brave.

You know why he has gone so nuts over the counselling don't you? Because you will be speaking to third parties who in all probability (unless they are very very shit) will validate your feelings, not his behaviour. He knows this. He knows what he is doing to you is wrong on some level. He won't admit it to himself, much less you. But he knows and he will justify his feelings by blaming them on you.

You are doing everything right. As bobs said you are beginning to detach. This is a good thing. And anything you can do now to find out about his life (especially financially) will stand you in good stead later.

Keeping a diary of his behaviour may help to keep your sanity and help later in divorce proceedings .

I need a payslip. where are all my payslips?
A Previous poster - I read everything in this thread ten times. It's the only current voice in my life that's keeping me sane. I suppose that I read and research quickly - I love researching, (not loving this but researching generally) so yes I take in all I read and that had been suggested. I still know I am at fault however perhaps now I know he is not handling it/me in any helpful way.
What I don't know is what that means or what comes next. I hate that. I like to know and plan and feel secure. This, this is just way too floaty vague feeling for my liking.
I don't think I want him to leave. I just want.... Peace. Calm. Affection.

It feels like a parallel universe right now, you know?

In the future I envisage you developing your design business, whether or not your DH still features in your life.
Look up local craft groups and markets. Approach galleries to sell your work. Get your children to set up a website for you and teach you how to do it (using the wordpress website is supposed to be easy) - I'm sure they would be happy to show off their techy skills to you. Sell via the Etsy website and there may be an Etsy crafters group near you too, running markets. In my area there is a social group on meetup.com specifically for designers. Check out greatbusiness.gov.uk/grow for advice.
You can do it if you want to. You just need to believe it. Close your eyes and imagine what every small success would feel like. I'm guessing your children are your allies - borrow their up-to-date practical skills.
Your DH is behaving disgracefully and spouting a lot of venom. You are free to choose whether to believe his insults or not - choose NOT most emphatically. Just because he says certain things does not automatically make them true. It's all hot air.

I know this will be a hard thing to do but do call the police (non-emergency number - 112 I think?) and ask to speak to the domestic abuse unit. The police are very well clued-up on non-violent domestic abuse so they won't be dismissive. I say this so you can get it logged that 1. you are in an abusive relationship 2. he is being very threatening at the moment. (and if later on down the line you should need it, your legal costs will be free if it is logged that you are divorcing because of domestic abuse.) If he does eg freeze the bank account you will be able to log that with the police to add to your file.

I am concerned at his going nuts tbh. He may not have hit you so far but this is notoriously the danger point: the point the abused won't go along with it anymore. I wonder if you have access to the Freedom Programme facilitator - you could leave a message that you are in crisis and need support, they will get back to you and support you as you take these steps.

Try Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 - the lines are busy and it's best to call overnight eg 7pm-7am if possible as you have a better chance of getting through.

Hold on, lovely. Many women have done this before you, all terrified as you are now. You'll find he's a wizard of oz: all mouth and no trousers xx

I think that's a little excessive atm, but won't harm to keep the numbers handy.

Pay slips - does he sort all you tax out for you? In which case it will all probably be at his work and you can't really ask for any of it without alarm bells ringing. You should receive a P60 at the end of every year, but perhaps you don't get to see that either? Anyway, his P60 is far more important!

I hope that your bank account is in your name and you get the statements. If so he can't block it. He is presumably paying you a wage.

It's good that you enjoy researching - lots of info to be had online.

Fot the moment you just need to be getting info together, collecting your thoughts and getting your head together (this can be a slow process!) while you decide what you want to do.

It might well be that you sit down together, have a good talk, and he promises to try harder - up to you what you do with that. Whatever happens, if he feels he is losing you he will definitely be nicer - how long it lasts is another matter.

I agree with springydaffs, I think that the DA unit with your local police is a good idea. A really good idea.

I don't want to frighten you WWO, but this is the most dangerous time, as he will know at some level, that you are not playing any more, and he will be panicking. Remember, emotionally, he is a toddler, and we all know what they do when they don't get their own way. Except he has the body of a grown man.

The pathology is all well understood, and even if he has not been physically violent before, he is losing control.

I missed the You & Yours programme this afternoon on Radio 4 at 12.16 but I#m hoping this is the link. Re a feature on: "Women's Aid and the TUC are calling on government departments, agencies and banks to review their practices to protect survivors of physical and financially abusive relationships."

[Somewhat irritating that people are generally slow to recognise that a relationship doesn't have to be physically abusive to be abusive - devastatingly so]

I'm not sure it specifically addresses your situation OP but perhaps have a listen? It may, sadly, be relevant further down the line - though let's hope not.

A researcher eh? That suggests a good brain. Nothing flakey or stupid there...

The awful temperature of your relationship is NOT your fault but hopefully you'll get to see that in time. That he has turned you into a desperate blob. ALL his doing.

I'm not ringing anyone.
I can't.

he's climbed into bed and covered himself with the duvet. Absolute picture of sadness daren't wake him. Like a sleeping bear.

He's two isn't he?

I feel so mean

What, because you're seeing a counsellor???!!??

What a bloody song and dance. Absolutely ridiculous.

Think of all the TORTURE, the years and years of it, he's put you through. And now suddenly he's climbing into bed and covering himself with the duvet, a picture of abject misery, bcs of what, exactly.

Girl, do. not. feel sorry for him.

NO! He can grow up and get HIMSELF the help that he so clearly needs, any time he wants. He won't though. It's far easier to keep blaming you.

Blame shifting. Another core behaviour of the typical abuser.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/the_dominator.html

He is fitting a lot of those isn't he?

Oh let him put on his show, but don't get taken in by it.
He could have a grown-up and respectful conversation with you, but right now he's choosing the "poor me" act.
I wonder what the next act will be. Telling you your many faults? Brushing it all under the carpet? There are all those options, and more, on the abusive twat bingo card!

As a PP said, btw, your GP is right: you do need help. This is not a negative statement by any means! You are in a state of shock and emotional turmoil. You have been posting all day about these feelings. This is the kind of state that psychotherapy, or support groups like the Freedom Programme, are here to help you with.

And there is further practical help in the shape of Women's Aid, Solicitors, Police, Citizen's Advice Bureau, and more, as and when you feel ready to reach out for the specific type of help that each of them offers.

Oh please don't buy into this toddler tantrum. He realises he is being rumbled that's ALL! A picture of sadness...