How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

This. This is it EXACTLY

Yes, thats a very common theme. Only the EA is allowed to get angry. They're allowed to get angry about the slightest thing. But when you do, you're hysterical and completely out of control.

Its about wanting to have a wife who shuts up and bends over.

Is it normal to think he had no idea he is behaving like this? Or that 'this' isn't normal. ?

It isn't normal to throw money at your wife when she says she's lonely and miserable. To call her mental. To say he'll take the kids. To sulk for days. To go mad whenever she expresses any negative emotion. To drag things up from years and years ago to use as weapons.

Honestly, if he really thinks he's a totally normal husband and that all other husbands are like that, then he's very fucked up indeed.

But you can't fix him. Not a chance. He's made a million tiny choices, both cinscious and unconscious. And most of those choices were to pick on you. Year after year. Thats a habit that imo is too ingrained to change. I also cannot imagine he would be all that different with another woman, tbh.

I just want it all to stop. :(

Queen is right, they're all the same. I went to a WA support group for a few years (no longer any funding for these groups, sadly ) and as each new woman arrived, in a state, and her story poured out... we knew exactly what she was going to say next. Exactly.

re your GP, ask that details are not recorded on your notes. They can put something generic and vague - ask to see what the GP has recorded.

The Freedom Programme will give you a voice when it comes to what to say (and think! I do know the immense confusion when one starts facing this stuff (((hug))) ). As it all starts to piece together you will find you know where you're going, and why.

In the meantime though, not a peep to H about what yoi're thinking and discovering. Girl, this is where your acting skills are going to come in very handy! On friday you'll be poorly, a raging headache/the beginnings of a bug/sore throat/old complaint. Make something up and stick to it. Say oh I'm so sorry, I was looking forward to it, too. You HAVE to do this to keep yourself safe, mentally and physically. Perhaps start 'feeling poorly' on thursday night.

The Freedom Programme handbook is called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. At the end of each session you will look at characteristics of a healthy man/relationship - characteristics that are in direct contrast to what you have been experiencing.

Keep going, precious. You aren't the first to tread this difficult path (and sadly you won't be the last ) xx

He won't get the kids btw. They all say they're going to get custody because we're mad. Happily, the courts see shits like this strutting about like peacocks in the courtroom - and chop them right back down to size. it is a gratifying sight I can tell you.

I nearly told him. I found that paragraph I photographed and nearly showed him it.

He's getting annoyed I'm not talking much. He began to say why have you ... And then stopped. Cross. Walked away
You know how many
Why have I ... What? Scenarios I've sat and gone through tonight :(

Perhaps he hadn't thought of one yet!

The less you tell him the less ammunition he has to 'punish' you for not being his perfect stepford wife.

Be mindful of what you reveal to him.

Ladies, thank you. For taking time to basically hold my hand. This little thread means the world to me. Xx

I just wanted to say how brave and strong you are. You may not be able to fully hear that yet - but truly I mean it. You are brave and strong.

Also, somebody recently told me something I found quite powerful recently - I hope it helps you too: you have permission to make mistakes.

I don't know how much of an impact that will have over the internet, but the idea blew my mind when I heard it!

Sorry, I should say - it blew my mind because I didn't realise it was okay to make mistakes, I beat myself up about how I should have done better (well I used to/am trying not to).

Little thread?? This thread is HUGE.

You have gone from 50ft under, tied so tight in your stepford training, off your head in agony of mind bcs of the designed-to-be-impossible demands of your abuser, absolutely insisting it was your fault (how can I fix me?) bcs you have been brainwashed to the hilt for nearly 20 years and consequently believed everything that fell out of his mouth... to starting to recognise you are being abused, looking at WA, booking the FP.

That's VAST in my book.

This thread's fantastic. YOU are fantastic, Wait. The posters quietly holding your hand, believing in you, are fantastic. I believe in you, too.

Are you me OP?? Can't relate enough to this

I can't imagine anyone being me! I'm not brilliantly anything -I'm average and a bit dim, tired, no great achievements, ordinary looking and absolutely nobody thinks I'm important or special enough to call me or rush to see me.
All around me are super talented busy women, beautiful, laughing, having brilliant days.
My DH thinks I'm rubbish and the things I appear to be learning show me that he doesn't like me either.
I feel completly pointless. I desperately want a genuine hug and affection but suppose unless he gets close enough again that is never going to be happen. I am such a touchy feely person that these last days feel terrible.
today I have two hours of dental surgery and hes forgotten completely. If I could just have someone to remember things Im doing or facing and wish me well or ask how they went...
Anyhow. Enough pity party.

Oh you poor thing, he's really done a "job" on you hasn't he!

These other "super talented" women probably started out very similar to you, the difference being they were allowed to spread their wings and didn't have their confidence shattered by constant denigration and put-downs.

You clearly have good artistic talent. You would be busy if you were allowed to expand and weren't sneered at, and supported instead. I bet you'd look fab if you weren't tired (worn down) and your partner told you how lovely you are - state of mind has a massive effect on looks. You would laugh and have brilliant days if you were in a better place mentally, rather than walking on eggshells every day & being scared about what "transgression" you were going to make next.

Try to imagine how you would feel if you were encouraged and supported in your artistic endeavours, with an occasional "that's really great" or "well done" rather than sneering. Think how good you'd feel about yourself if he sometimes said out of the blue that he loves you - like he does mean it. How good you'd feel about your looks if he said "gosh you look great" when you'd made an effort, or even better when you hadn't. How nice it would be if you went away for the weekend to do something YOU really enjoyed, and he didn't grumble at all but smiled all the time because of the pleasure you were having. These things are normal in a decent marriage/partnership.

Listen to the wise women of Mumsnet; many of them have been through this same journey as you and come out the other side. I think the only reason I've avoided it myself was supporting someone very dear to me in getting out of an EA relationship and learning to look for the red flags myself.

Oh and getting counselling means you're "mad"? You'd be surprised just how many very successful men and women are either taking anti-depressants or having counselling, or both!

You can certainly have some sympathy from this quarter - two hours at the dentist's - argh! It won't be fun but hopefully they'll do a great job and you'll feel a lot better for it in the long term.

Yes No fun at dentists but it's always worth it later.
How do you all KNOW- how do you possibly know it's not me. How do you know I am not dull or stupid or ridiculously needy. Suppose he has a point, suppose if you met me you'd go oh yes actually this woman must be hard to live with.
And suppose if I were a million miles further on and had split up with him and another man came along and said Jesus you are a nightmare. Then I'd have thrown away this and not accepted my faults.
How do I know how much is him and how much is me????

Well you definitely aren't stupid, that comes over with your posts.

And as for needy, you aren't exactly asking for an unreasonable amount of attention. In fact, you seem unduly grateful for any attention at all; I still can't get over you gushing about the whole single weekend away (which is one night in fact) that turns out to be his sporting event. He seems to give you less affection, attention and consideration than people do to their pets so no wonder you want more!

He is following almost word for word the script of an emotional abuser; there are many, many threads on here from women in the same situation as you - are they ALL nightmares to live with or maybe just maybe it's the man each time.

And if you do end up "throwing away" your current life so what? I'm failing to see what pleasure you're getting out of it right now, I know I'd prefer to be on my own rather than living in fear, watching everything I said or did, walking on eggshells all the time & still being told I'm crap. What aspect of your life will you actually miss if he was gone? Not the companionship as you clearly don't get that, or the attention, or any love or affection. In fact the ONLY advantage I can see is the roof over your head and the food you eat.

Go to the Freedom Programm, do the course and then see what you think.

We know it's not you bcs he shows all the traits of a classic abuser.

Good luck at dentists today.

I just wanted to comment here and say that, following your last post completely doubting yourself - in a normal relationship, when you have a problem then it usually is because both of you have played a part in it, you both admit culpability for your failings and - this is the crucial bit - you support each other in working out the problem together.
As pp said - we are all allowed to make mistakes, none of us is perfect, we are only human!
It's not about your failings, it's about how you deal with them - and in a marriage (certainly in mine) you accept and respect the other person for who they are, warts and all.
It's this that you should be focusing on - do you feel respected for who you are by your partner in life? No?
Your confidence has been so beaten down that you can't even believe that you deserve more respect at the moment - but you will get there.
I'm in the process of supporting a dearly loved family member out of her EA marriage, and it's the most heartbreaking thing that I've ever gone through.
But you will get through it and one day you will look back on all this and you will be so proud of what an amazing woman you are.

Um, as far as I can tell the only person telling you "it's you" is him.

On the flip side lots of people are saying "it's him".

Who you believe is up to you...

The dictator or the consensus?