Wait, been following your thread since you started it and never really had anything to offer in terms of advice or support, but just wanted to say hello and that you have another person here supporting you.
You seem very torn at the moment and that's why I'm posting. I wanted to say, that's fine, it really is. You're trying to decide whether your marriage is worth another go, or whether it's not. I think that's really admirable. I think your H has been a shit to you for all these years, yet you still see the good in him, and are still trying to balance the scales.
My interpretation of you saying you need to have tried everything, is more for yourself and your children, rather than for the rest of the world, if that makes sense.
You have had lots of amazing advice on here and that has opened your eyes to what has actually been going on with you and how your H has treated you. You've taken that on board and are now saying 'enough!'
Speak to who you need to speak to, get all the advice you feel you need, and then just let yourself catch up and take it in, in your own time. There is no rush to decide what to do. You've been running on adrenalin possibly for years and you're feeling numb because your body needs to not being on high alert anymore.
There is no right or wrong feeling just like there is no right or wrong solution. You feel what you feel and that's all there is to it. Don't beat yourself up about it. When you are ready, you will make the right decision for you, and that's all you can do.
Suddenly, You can see clearly what's been happening for all these years and it must be a bit blinding and disorientating. Now you have to come to terms with everything you now know and then decide what's best for you. accept in your heart how you feel and acknowledge it. You will never change what everyone else thinks, says does or doesn't do. All you can do is make things better for you, whatever that means.
I was married many moons ago, for a long time. No children from that relationship, so in some ways it was simpler. I knew I was unhappy for years and years. I didn't open up to anyone until I had come to terms with it myself. In the end I was married for 13 years and left after 11. Like with you, no one understood. My mum thought I was stupid for leaving a lovely husband and home for a bedsit. He wasn't lovely except to the outside world. But when I had come to terms with what was right for me, it didn't matter what anyone, incl my parents thought. It was not easy at all but I had to get out.
I think you are torn because you are still coming to terms with everything. When you know what you need and want, it won't be easy but you will be able to make a decision, either way, without second guessing yourself. And whatever that decision is and until you are at that point, I and I'm sure everyone else who is following your story, will be behind you 100% of the way.
I hope my waffling makes sense. Sending you big hugs, xxx.