How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Mine too

Am I missing something here? Do the kids have to go? Can you say, erm, NO.

Unfortunately I know he said to one of the kids 'don't worry. This isn't for long just until we can fix/help mummy'

I take back what I said before about him being an actor. I think he should be a professional limbo dancer. There are simply no depths too low for him to stoop.

And what, may we remind ourselves, was his reaction when mummy went to the doctor to try to get some counselling? A massive strop.

There's only one thing that will fix you, Wait (and this will come, although I appreciate it's not quite time yet): stop taking the poison.

Waving them off killed me. I smiled and waved and you can see him watch me closely. And I thought nope. Not crying.
Shut door and literally wailed. I hate him for taking them. I know this is my punishment, this is his way of saying you will have to do this every week if you push for divorce. The silence is deafening.
I have got a friend coming round tonight but it's these little pockets of aloneness I find really hard. I am not strong. Not brave. And I hate how he has all the power now. He can come home make this stop. He can stay away and keep me spinning. He can say what happens. And I will be punished for every time I mess his plans up.
Kind of damned if I do damned if I don't.

I did dial women's aid. They were busy. I will go out and keep busy and try them again. He is going to go ballistic if he knows I am heading for divorce. I keep trying to find another choice for myself. But there isn't is there? Stay and 'be fixed' or leave and fight
I hate marriage. I wish I'd never met him.

He's messing with your head! As he ever taken the girls out over the weekend when he's been off? I bet the answer is NO
He's playing the devoting father, saving his face.

You know you didn't have to say yes today! From now on your your own boss, you decide what you and the girls are doing "he fits in around you"

I know you will want to try keep the peace with him, but you only have to disagree with him and the games will start! The name calling, the threats,what he's going to tell the girls you get the picture.
He's controlled you all for years, it's going to be hard for him to stop so he will use anger and threats.

How fucking dare he say when mummy gets fixed!!!! Blaming you already he's only been gone a couple of days! Wow didn't take him long to start the bad mouthing.

He's scared to death of you taking some control thinks you incompetent.
Show him you have a brain and are indeed very competent, it's he that won't be able to cope!! Ironing,cooking,cleaning etc etc it's easy going to work wait till he's looked after the girls this weekend himself. Mind you he will probably spoil them making him look good. Don't fall for his game playing.

I know exactly how you felt shutting the front door, I had to do the same with my 3 year old it's gut renching

Stay focused, have a chat with your friend today(glad you have somebody)
It wil soon be day 1 over.

I read this thread last night. You won't believe me but you are doing well.

Crucru I don't believe you no. Lol. I've turned my whole life upside down and got stuck in this horrendous limbo.
Springy - I wouldn't stop him seeing the kids. I actually daren't. And, They do love him too
I am a walking crazy person. Just as he said. I literally SOB then am fine. Sob. Am fine. Etc etc.
Lord only knows what next week brings.

It seems to me that you are getting all the cycles of abuse very very quickly, back to back. The full of hatred, abusive texts, the loving texts, then the blaming, "you are mad "texts.. And your reactions are cycling as quickly as the abuse. Perhaps that's why you're feeling so shaky, on top of your torn emotions...allow yourself to think..."hey, I'm responding, feeling things that he's metting out to me" normal stuff to be reacting to what is going on around you. Once again, you come completely last on his "importance" list

Such a knob!

I have felt just the same, Wait, not that that is much consolation. It IS unfair that he has so much power in this situation and that he is so willing to use it to damage you and his own DCs. He is like a loose cannon in the family and it feels as though someone is bound to get seriously hurt, whatever you do.

Remember, though, that he had all the power before, too. Remember too, that children are resilient and they will be OK.

Use this time to think of what level of contact you would be happiest with between him and the DCs. They are old enough, I think, to be consulted about it, so bear that in mind.

You might find it helpful to practise little phrases to stop yourself agreeing with his dictats, like: "That's something to think about." Although in the case of my then H, it made little difference, as he was used to doing whatever he liked regardless of what I said anyway.

Of course you want him to see the kids. But he's only been gone a day! This from a man who regularly takes off when he pleases - usually on holiday - for at least a week. I doubt very much they miss one another then - them because they're used to him not being there; him because he diesnt care that much for them (despite what you say about it..). No, it is as clear as day he's done it to torture you.

Darling, you may want to be decent and do the decent thing but, I assure you, you'll be the only one. He has no intention of being decent, on any level, at any time. He will use whatever it takes - yes, that means the kids. Especially the kids, actually, because that's intravenous torture for you. Which is all he's interested in.

The man is a monster. Being nice/decent/fair goes absolutely nowhere with someone as monstrous as this.

Hold on, this terrible time will pass, Wait. Hope you get through to WA tonight xx

I too am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I'm not sure that my declarations of him being a knob are helping but just wanted to let you know I think you are doing really well in what is a very, very mind numbingly hard time. Springy and the others have more direct experience so have better advice but I really empathise for you.

Dear Lovely Wait,

I'm catching up on your thread a few days at a time. Earlier this evening, I read this. It's from Monday this week, 19:49 ...

He's singing and all jolly. He hugged me and rubbed my arm as he went by. He's quite happy and everything is great.

Next post, 20:24 the same Monday evening ...

We had a fight. He's furious and turned it round to me being jealous - to me thinking he's having an affair. I didn't say that.

There are thirty five minutes between the two posts. Half an hour, in which your husband segued from affectionate cheer to vindictive rage.

Now, I know you've been living in this environment for so long that your standards have been bent out of shape. But you cannot possibly think this is normal or reasonable?

For someone to be so emotionally unstable, they must either be:
[a] Mentally very ill
[b] Faking it for malicious purposes
[c] A toddler.

We can safely say it's not [c]. And, since the person in question continues to run a business, hobbies and a social life, we can assume it's not [a].

This shows you how vulnerable you are to his deliberate play-acting.
Within 35 minutes, he leaves you feeling you can't tell which way is up.
The reason he achieves it so easily is that he's created dependence in you.
He created it by repeatedly faking these mood changes, day by day over the course of years.
It made you dependent because you loved him.

Anyone else witnessing this 30-minute change in the weather would be going

But it worked on you - and only you - because you loved him and because you cared.
This is why it's called emotional abuse: perpetrators abuse people's love and good will, turning strengths into weakness.

It has worked. Don't worry if you run out of strength to resist temporarily. This happens because you're currently not in a position to identify your true strengths, though we and others can see them.

Just breathe.
Do keep taking advice from the posters here: you've collected the best imaginable team!
Do keep contacting your real-world support.
Do keep finding everything out about your life.

Do keep breathing :)

IN through the nose, right into your stomach - hold: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 - blow OUT through your mouth; blow the stress/pain/darkness away.

This will sound very woo but... he has put you into a coma; you have been a walking, talking Stepford wife - all of his making (it's not hard to do btw, he's not that clever: just use and twist love and trust ). Now you're being brutally dragged awake - what a shock! This is the woo bit: you can take it. The Stepford 'you' can't take it - but that isn't the real you at all. When did you last see the real you? Well, she's back and life is a-calling 'Wake up, Wait!'

I agree it's been a sledgehammer awakening - they so often are, despite the fairy tales. But you're up to it. Your old life, which was fake anyway, is dying before your eyes - I agree, that's challenging. Perhaps this brutal awakening is what is needed to smash his carefully-constructed dominion. The one where he stole your life. Perhaps life just won't have that and has mounted a rescue operation (think hostages) and that is never a pleasant experience.

Dear lovely ever supportive mumsnetters. I've had a friend round for wine. I've completely ignored his text -are you okay?-(subtext -I know you feel like shit I drove off with the kids) and I'm okay.
I do actually still love the bloke. And this warns me this may be my dry run for him leaving time number two. And that's okay. I am a lot wiser. And totally capable even if he doesn't think so. I like me. He can take a running jump this evening

Well done you! Hold on to that feeling!

So glad you like yourself. You should, you know. Your friends like you, and they're good people, right? And we like you too

Hope you're still feeling strong and positive today. The kids will be back before you know it.

Oh good! I approve.

He's trying it all today. He calls me because he's concerned I'm not okay. He texts. He even joined whatsapp to send me a message on there because he knows I use it.
Is it me or is it no bloody business of his how I am or what I'm doing today??

I think I'm a bit angry.
I hate him for taking the kids away.

And yes. LOTS of people like me. Today vague not particularly close friends came to speak to me. One is filing for divorce from someone a lot like my husband. So like him it might actually be him lol she's a bit ahead of me in the process of things. She spoke very honestly and kindly. People are being so kind. The only people so far who think I'm a nasty piece of work who needs a break down is him, his very large family and his close friends. It hurts like hell that THEY think that but I realise it's to be expected being his family and all.
I have an evening home alone ahead. Dreading it. Particularly as his texts have already started. But!! I can do it. Somehow!!

Is your phone battery in danger of getting a little, you know, flat...

He has the kids. Until they are home I can't NOT read them.
I can sit on my hands tho and not reply. I will absolutely try not to reply.
He says I thought I was teaching him a lesson by kicking him out a few days. That's really sad. Haven't quite told him I don't want him back yet either. Waiting til kids are home first.

As for his family, there are at least three reasons why they'd think badly of you. 1) As you rightly observe, they are his family, blood is thicker etc. 2) He will, of course, have got his own side of the story in first; if he can even get you, temporarily, believing you're a terrible person when you are you, what chance does a third party stand of seeing through the bullshit? 3) Some of his family are pretty likely to have their own Issues, which is why he has grown up the way he has.

In conclusion, it's not you, it's them. But you know that already.

Oh right - of course. Plus if he couldn't get through to you he'd probably come stampeding home pretending to think you needed help

Im pleased that you are angry, hold on to that, but don't share it with him. He has no right to what's going on in your head or heart.

You may want to text him, just once, That you are absolutely fine and to stop pestering contacting you, unless it is about that kids. then ignore, ignore, ignore. If you have already done that, ignore.

This evening do something that you would normally not do. Watch something daft on TV, have a glass of wine and call a friend. Cook a lovely meal just for you - or order a takeaway that you don't have to share. Bath, hair, nails, face pack. Yoga. What ever it is, just make it something for you.

I agree.