How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

feck - I find your wording really interesting... He has no right to what's going on in my heart or my head?
Well. No. I don't suppose so. Except... How on earth is he going to know where I am and what I'm thinking?
I feel if I saw a divorce lawyer now he would be shocked. I might have been feeling like this for years but he's only just had an inkling I'm not at all happy nor taking this anymore. Despite his harsh nasty words I can see he REALLY doesn't think this will lead to divorce. He want me to feel he might not come back -whilst absolutely intending to come back.
So shouldn't I say I am at the seeing a solicitor point?

Plenty of time to call WA

I wouldn't text him iiwy - certainly not 'don't contact me' !! That would be a red flag to a bull - he'd go into overdrive. Radio silence is the way to go it'll drive him nuts!

Great that you,re talking to more and more people - brilliant!

Yes, abusers are all the same - it's uncanny, like they're all a clone. Tis why we know exactly what your h is like...

Delighted with your update, Wait. Bloody bravo

NO!! Don't tell him you're seeing a lawyer! Goodness me, Wait, don't hand him the gun, get your ducks in a row first.

Erm, why does he need to know what you're thinking and where you are??

He is NOT your
Dad
Headmaster
Lord
Master
King
Leader

He just thinks he is.

HE'S WRONG

springy.
Sometimes I worry I don't actually know how the real world functions. When you say it like that... It makes sense. But he asks me all the time what did you do today were his first words on the phone today. (Had to answer phone incase my little people were calling on his phone)
So
Um.
I don't have to say what I'm doing or where I am.
Even when he asks?!

No. you don't have to say where you are, what you are doing, how you are feeling, what you are thinking.

Every time you do, you give him ammunition, to USE against you. To try and 'fix' you. When I honestly do not think you are broken. Sad, browbeaten and controlled, yes. But not broken.

You a person in your own right. A living, thinking, breathing, feeling person. He does not own you. You are not a robot. He does not have the right to control you, to tell you how you should be thinking, how you should be behaving. To punish you if you do not behave or speak how he wants you too, especially when that behaviour is completely normal.

And it does not have to be confrontational. Don;t give him anything to grab on to. Make it vague and light. Non committal. Don't be forced into making a decision about anything. 'I'll have a think about that' 'I'm not ready to decide that yet' 'I'm still working things out'

I feel that you are still hoping he will see the light and all of a sudden start being nice and normal. Then you can have the husband that you need and deserve. But he won't. And this is why you need space and time. Not to show him you are serious, or teach him a lesson. But for YOU. To clear your head of all the little mind fucks that are confusing you. And to decide for yourself, not us, not him, or even the kids, exactly what kind of a life you want.

What do you want?

Has he shown any interest in your thoughts, feelings, wishes and happiness over the last 25 years ?

If not, why do you think he will suddenly be interested now ?

Has he ever changed anything Important before because you asked him to ?

These texts you got from him the other day - were they from a man concerned that he had hurt his wife and wanting to know how to make things right ?

Or from they from a man who was very very angry that the person he normally controls was not acting the way he wanted

I think your husband really enjoys the power he has over you. He has taken the kids away because he know it hurts you. Not because he wants to spend time with them .

But it's not just enough for him to know that . He constantly texts you ,to prompt you to say how sad you are and how much you miss the kids . That you are lonely and sad without him .

Someone posted this on another thread ( sorry I can't remember where ) when theOP said they were worried about hurting their abusers feelings

" feelings ? He doesn't have feelings . He has the enjoyment of power over you and then fury when he loses that control "

One very good piece of advice is to adopt a slightly vague, rather practical, unemotional manner with him. Keep your feelings out of things; offer no details or embellishments: just be closed and boring. I found this gave me a ton of headspace to watch what was really going on - and some of his reactions were amusing, when he was sure he'd pressed my buttons but got a very simple answer instead.

You cannot control him.
You can't cure him.
Nothing you do or say can change him.

So don't bother. Keep your stuff to yourself and your team.

It's time to start thinking about who you are, Wait, and the life you want to discover.

I do so wish I was wired up to you all when stood in front of him.

You are right about the texts. They were relentless. I didn't respond and they came again.
If I respond he fires off a nasty jab.
I cannot make my big kids see how bad it is. They both contact me suggesting dad will calm down/it will blow over. That's really hard for me to read.
I swear the whole damn world thinks I'm doing this on a whim.

I tell only the truth on mumsnet - no point of this thread otherwise - and I will say although a lot of me is heading for divorce it also feels so damn surreal. So dramatic. So attention seeking.
My only problem is making him stay away really - to enable me to keep thinking. Once he decides he is coming home he will come home.
Once I talk to a solicitor it will be the big underlining to him and he will start the big guns up.
So I hesitate
Not because I think he will really change.
But because I have to be the one to stop everything. And that comes with guilt. I will be the bad guy. Of course I will be, the joke being that's EXACTLY what he wants. If we have to split it will be poor old him, crazy mean old me. Playing right into his explanation of our married life.
I cannot win either way. And I cannot even see the good in either way. It looks bleak in both directions.

The elder two are grown up, aren't they? Why not show them?
It's not as if they don't know him.

You don't have to tell him you've seen a solicitor . I strongly advise that you don't tell him anything . If the solicitor needs to write to you , they can use a friends address

Personally I wouldnt confide in your kids, whatever their age . They will have torn loyalties , however big a shit he is, he's still their dad.

And by your 'team' that means us, yes, but a Real Life team. What you get here is information, not relationship. You have to keep all the information in your head - which of course flees the minute he is standing before you, doing what he does (relentlessly, wall-to-wall) and has done for decades. Relationship consolidates information, gives it context; information starts to come naturally because you can see where it fits, how it applies.

No wonder your head is boiling over with all the stuff you have to remember to keep in it.

Either say something vague and nondescript 'fine thanks' or answer a question with a question 'how are the kids?'

I prefer the latter, personally.

Do you see you have been his PROJECT and he has trained you up by getting right in your head, even controlling your movements and your thinking

And you are NOT

HIS PROPERTY

He doesn't own you.

YOU own you. To do with what you like.

So far, HE has done with you what HE likes.

Your grown-up kids are young adults, still. Maybe they haven't had to witness a relationship breakdown as adults yet and feel a bit out of their depth. They want to support you but they're not really sure how best to do that.

You can tell them you're grateful for their concern and reassure them that you will be OK, that they don't need to feel responsible for you.

They have probably grown up with the feeling that you need looking after and aren't strong enough to face problems by yourself.

They're right, of course, it will blow over in a while if you climb back into the box. The thing is that you've grown out of that box and are simply no longer prepared to live all your life cramped up while someone pokes you with a stick. The current row blowing over is very minor in the scheme of things.

Bear in mind that your kids, too, have been trained in a similar way. You may even have said to them from time to time not to worry about Dad's moods and try again when he's in a better one. This works when it's a child asking for help with a school project, but not when it's an adult partner talking about divorce!

Hi Wait. Just wanted to share a thought my own solicitor gave me when I was divorcing my own "nicest man in the world in public" abusive ex. I wanted so badly to divorce him on unreasonable conduct criteria. He dragged things on and on, refusing to agree anything, holding the whole lot up. Eventually my solicitor negotiated that if we changed the terms to '2 year separation' ex would agree everything, and I mean everything, I had been asking him with regards to kids and money. I was in floods of tears thinking now nobody would really understand what I had been through, and that he would be free to say whatever he wanted.

The solicitor pointed out that the divorce certificate doesn't state what grounds are used to dissolve the marriage.

I had to think about that for a while, but it was true. The reality of changing my grounds meant a conclusion to the emotional battering I was still going through. My family and friends already knew what I had told them, and believed me. In the fifteen years since my divorce, not one person has asked to see my divorce certificate, and nobody has ever challenged me on what grounds I divorced under.

You don't want to be seen as the bad guy in all this, I totally get that. But the people that care about you already know you are not a bad guy. The people who believe him are not people you are going to care about in the long term anyway. There are seven billion people on this planet - who cares if a teeny tiny percentage of them choose to believe his side of the story?

The kids are home :)
Earlier today he text saying can he stop for dinner tonight. No serious talking just being together.
I said no. Confusing for kids to all be round one table play acting. And surely we are going to have to 'serious' talk?!
He's being really weird.
He's being nice.
He even tried to kiss me goodbye -wtf- and sent me jolly 'kids today' photos on phone.
Then he said he was off Wednesday and we could go for a walk maybe.
Followed quickly by 'see you Wednesday kids'
Um.... I text after left, not wanting to say in front of kids, that I didn't want to go for a family walk and act all happy fake. That we needed to talk.
Of course I get to be the bad guy saying to the kids no, no family walk.
siiiiiighhhhhhh.

Thank you drmac... Good and valid point.

I hope you're feeling empowered now Wait. You don't have to jump when he says jump

He is not the boss of you

You do know that whatever you do he'll say you're to blame. My dc used to joke that my ex would have said it was my fault the weather was bad

A lesson to be learnt by some women: don't hand over your life to a man.
I could not believe some of the stuff I've read here.

Ouch Finger!

Did you mean that to sound judgemental?

I may be wrong but it looks like you think it couldn't happen to you? If you think it couldn't happen to you, think again

Indeed springy. I didn't hand my life over.

Things have changed here. It's a weird feeling.
He's been such a pain with texts today. You won't believe the one about how he could come home but as he is trying a new lifestyle routine can I promise not to go on at him. Pressure him. Ask for anything. Or bother him too much.
I said no. Don't come home yet. Not til you book therapy/relate/counselling/make an effort/talk properly
I SAID THAT!
I'm quite amazing.
In a very quiet little way.

The kindness shown to me by friends has been astounding. Again today I was overwhelmed

My kids are home and a little bit lost/ off kilter but I'm on it. I'll help them find their feet. I hope.
I feel like I've lost all ability to feel. I feel so so numb. That's not so great.

YOU SAID THAT!!! You are amazing.

This is only the beginning.

The numbness is probably not so numb. It's a highly functional & convenient means of 'getting on with things', while your startled brain rapidly rewires itself in light of new information. Fantastic things, brains, when fed with facts.

Worry if you're still numb in a year's time. I'm not worried about that :)