How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

You absolutely need to find your own way through this, Wait, so don't worry about our reactions and take the path which seems best for you. No matter how much some steps look like they are going back, they all lead forward because you are gaining insight and experience all the time.

When are you meeting him?

Wait that's up to you - you're an adult and you must make your own decisions.

If you feel things are going too fast for you, it's fine to take your foot off the pedal for a bit.

Rome wasn't built in a day :)

You're not angry he's royally fucked you over financially, to the point you're left high and dry with dental treatment, to the point you can't buy food? When he loaded and could afford your dental treatment 10 times over?

You're not angry he has used you to evade masses of tax but you don't get the benefit of the eye-watering amounts he has stashed away, instead you live hand to mouth?

You're not angry he has turned your brain into mush and neglected you so badly with mind games to twist the knife that you were half out of your mind with craving just a crumb of love, respect, consideration?

You're not angry he has turned you into the family joke?

Btw if/when he comes back, his mind games won't look like mind games, they will look like the real deal. It will look like he's at last seen the light.

He is not coming back on your terms but on his. Don't forget what he's put you through this last week or so to get you to crumble precisely in the way you've crumbled now.

I appreciate all this takes time - i should, i've been through it - but, please, don't kid yourself the marriage has turned a corner. It really, really hasn't - and never will. He just knows now to be much more vigilant about his finances, to get it all squirrelled away under lock and key. He had you so conditioned, so trained, he probably got lazy about keeping everything hidden. Not so now.

Springydaffs speaks so much sense.

Okay. I give up. I totally utterly give up. I don't know WHY I'm not angry I'm just not. I'm completely and utterly trampled. I failed miserably today. He was devastatingly harsh and I was a complete fool to think I could ask Mr Wait to leave his house for some thinking space and then expect him to be anything other than very very cross. I'm still not sure what happened today other than after he left I've never had such a tirade of hurtful texts in my life.
It hasn't left me empowered or feisty it's left me pretty much dead. I have nothing. Nothing left in me. He has me SO WRONG and won't listen.
Please -I know you aren't surprised. I know it's blindingly obvious to everyone else. But this is my life -and currently I haven't got one.

Course you have a life. You're just married to a very unpleasant man. Where is he now?

You want to know why you feel dead inside? It is a very real symptom of repressed anger.

You are angry, Wait, it's just that you have learnt over the years to stuff down your emotions till even you don't recognise them any more. He has caused that. He hates you to feel things yourself and you have tried not to let your emotions get in his way.

The only way to feel anything other than this deadness inside is to get out (and I would recommend now, while you have one foot out of the door) and carve some space for yourself away from him.

Then the anger will cease to be repressed... And boy will you feel it then!

for you. You are in such a hard place and you need to be very brave if you want to get out. Part of that bravery is believing that you are not yet seeing clearly, and acting on that belief, rather than the visions he sets before you (this is all your fault being a rather damaging one, for example).

It sounds as though you are angry - but you have turned that anger towards yourself. You've said I failed miserably today. but also He was devastatingly harsh and I've never had such a tirade of hurtful texts in my life. Your anger just needs to to turn its attention to his behaviour.

I agree, your anger will come. Really feeling for you OP

Wait haven't read the full thread, but just wanted to share a bit re: the talk of the town fears you mentioned earlier. My wonderful mum left my horribly abusive (in every way) father and got a good bit of blanking etc from friends and acquaintances. She was so empowered after finally leaving that she didn't hesitate in telling them exactly what he was like behind closed doors. They were all horrified and mortified. Do not worry about what other people think - you will have loads of chances to set them straight when you're away from him.

P.S. i've read 22 pages and I think you are amazing, capable and intelligent :)

Hope you keep posting, Wait. We are all thinking of you.

Oh Wait, big hugs for you
So you felt brave and knew what you wanted to say and he just bashed you down with his thoughts, and now you're thinking about what he's said. Do you think he's thinking about what you said?
He won't, I'm so sorry to tell you, I know you want him to hear you and change back to the man you once loved. He never was that man.

It might take you a few goes at it, but one day, you will be strong enough to do this without him. You'll be glad to be rid of him. You just need to build yourself up to doing it on your own. We'll be here, cheering you on

Wait - I hope you are ok

I wonder if part of the way you are feeling is disappointment and grief

Disappointment , because you truly belived that if your husband coudl see how deeply , deeply unhappy you are , he would realise and understand and want to change his behaviour so you would be happy again . You love him very much and you were clinging onto the fact that deep down, he loved you too .

It's just that he didn't understand . And you thought you coudl make him understand .

But now he has seen a glimpse of how unhappy you are ( of course he's known all along) . And all that's happened is that he's been angry and hateful and even vengeful . He punishing you for not being who and what he wants , for acting your part in his show . He is happy to use the children as his weapons ( as he has done all along )

I think you have seen what he really think of you and how he feels towards you . Well you've had a taste of it . And you know it's not love . Does it feel like love ? No, it's anger and hatred .

And I think you are feeling grief - because you are begining to realise that the man you thought you were married to Doesn't even exist . He's just in your head . I don't know if he ever existed .

I'm so sorry

Yes grief. That's what this feels like. It's all encompassing and totally devastating.

I can't even get my head around what he said. How I bully him. How I make him feel a failure. How I don't love him. How I stop the house being a calm sanctuary for him. How I don't support him because I wouldn't work for him.
They keep ringing slightly true ( I wouldn't work for him. He'd argue with me. Plus he has 30 staff so I never thought I'd be useful..... It's not calm at our house if we are arguing... Etc etc) and I am devastated.

He takes the kids tonight. I cannot think about it.

You know it's all bollocks don't you ? It's just you've stopped acting like a machine.

Others will be along soon with good advice and support

In the meantime , make sure that all the information stored on your phone is copied else where . Like on the cloud ( where he can't acess it ) . Or send copies to a friend . ( send by wi fi or it will use up your phone credit ) . Or email it .

I didn't realise he wants you to work in the business . That's great . Get in there and find out all you can . But only if you can get into the financial stuff , no dogsbody work . Remember you are a company director .

Remember you are probably entitled to half of all his businesses in the divorce . Or half of his share . And if you can prove that the other company directors ( his gran. His dog ) are not acting as directors or getting revenue from the company , you might get half of everything .

Please don't say you don't care about the money . You might not , but your kids are 10 and 12 and they need it . It's not about you not wanting to be a gold digger, it's about their needs . And their father will look aftre them just the way he's looked aftre you . In a Controlling and abusive way

I didn't know he wanted me to work for the company either. lol. That's the joke here he randomly spouts things like ' you wouldn't even post a work letter for me' when for the life of me I can't think of a time he's handed me a letter!! How do I defend myself against such things?!??

Grief is fine.
Do take a little time to grieve.
But then allow yourself to get angry, and funnel that anger outwards.
I just re read your OP. Of course you are "needy" that's how human beings were made. We need other people, we need to be validated.
Now read your last post - it's all about him. Did/does he ever validate your needs? Does he see you as a person, totally separate from him? Does he even see the children like that?

You can choose to see him - you are a human being and adult, you can make your own choices. People on the Internet can warn, that he may not listen and it might make you feel worse. People can get very agitated when you seem to be about to do something which will make you feel worse (and more emphatic the more real danger someone is in).

Read your post of 14:58, you are apologising to people on the Internet because you are going to see him. You are predicting far more criticism than came your way. Actually in some ways the meeting was a good thing: you made a decision on your own. The fact he "couldn't see" and didn't even pretend (some are far better at manipulation) has hurt you more, but maybe brought you closer to your real stop point.

Be kind to yourself.

What a vile, vile man to say all that and make you feel that way.

Glad you realise the letter posting thing is bollocks. It all is.

You do know, I hope, that most people can have a disagreement without attacking the other person?

Everything he said to you is projection. You do know that right? He bullies you. He doesn't love you. He upsets the calm of the house. And he cuts you out of a business that you partly own. He wants you to feel like a failure.
He knows what he's doing and is taking every single nasty trait that hurts you and projecting them on to you. No wonder your head is all over the place. He's attacking you with ever single mind fuck he can.

Please, please call WA and get some support.

That's the joke here he randomly spouts things like ' you wouldn't even post a work letter for me' when for the life of me I can't think of a time he's handed me a letter!! How do I defend myself against such things?!??

That is a classical example of gaslighting, my honey, as I think I mentioned upthread. Throwing things like this at you so you are cudgelling your memory wondering if/when that happened, when actually it may never have happened, or was one very minor incident in a completely different context years ago. The net result is that you are confused, vaguely guilty and feeling like you are losing your marbles.

What he's doing is nothing new or unusual, sadly. It is such a recognised technique it's all over the internet and has its own Wiki page. this link provides quite a good explanation.

One hour before he gets the kids for a few days.
This is normal for so many people. This is what I'm doing for the rest of my life if I go ahead with divorce.
I have never ever felt so sick. My kids are my world and we are really close. One night would be hard but several days is huge.
He's text today. We've gone from fuck you -yesterday
To I love you whatever happens -today
To
Please get help you have such anger issues -this afternoon.

Unfortunately I know he said to one of the kids 'don't worry. This isn't for long just until we can fix/help mummy'
So now I'm both angry he said that to her and absolutely gutted.

You do know he's taking the children to spite you, don't you? He knows this will send you into a tail spin! Use the anger you are feeling now but wave the children off with a happy smile, don't let him or them see your distress! Then use your time alone to speak to Women's Aid, gather more financial evidence & spend some time on You! Read a book, listen to music, walk round the shops, whatever you like to do!
It wouldn't't surprise me if he tires of the children quite quickly and they'll be home soon!

Dear OP, I am a long time lurker of your thread & have thought about you often, my friends ex-husband treated her the same way as yours does. I am so angry about how he is treating you. How dare he project such negativity onto you when he clearly has problems. Sharing information with your children is offensive, worrying your little ones that you are ill (no matter their ages) is despicable & manipulative. Not being able to manipulate you he is now focusing on the children as a method of controlling you. What a total Twat. Shit & Fuckwit. Vile.

I honestly don't think he'll cope with the children and if he does I bet they will be at his parents so he can share the burden ( be in no doubt that's what they will be because he won't know how to respond to them as you do) Be strong I would send you flowers if I could work out how to do it!

The Wisewoman & Elders of Mumsnet are always here to give you support.
You are in my prayers xxxxx