How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Now it's my turn to feel sick, Wait. You can't afford NOT to call them. As we speak he is motoring through making what is due to you vanish. You know that nothing, or very little, is declared, floating around there in no-mans-land - this is so he can make it disappear should the need arise. This thing is launched, you need to act quickly.

As others are saying, calling them couldn't be more user-friendly. You just have to bite the bullet. They are THE experts in this, you have to get them onside as soon as humanly possible. You can't afford to dither, or to ask yourself if you feel like it. It's like dithering about calling 999 when someone is bleeding out - you just have to do it, regardless how you feel.

Darling, gird your loins and get it done. As well as Rights for Women, FP, GP, lawyer. You are far from the first, or only one, to have to do this. You have to move quickly to establish a challenge to what he is already doing. He will do everything he can to shaft you, you must get your team onside quickly.

Well now.
I recieve a very short abrupt text.
I see his mood has changed.
He's not left the country.
He's at his parents house not far away.
He wants the girls Sunday monday tuesday
He's certainly not texting he's sorry/missing me/ hoping I'm okay.
He's obviously already ahead at divorce point. Lovely.
I have a solicitor email me back. I need my credit card to arrive!!!

Well done Wait on contacting a solicitor. Keep making small steps.

You see the need to really get going, because he has obviously got an early start on this. He has been your enemy for some time, whilst you are still adjusting to idea that he is your enemy.

This seemingly, 'cut-and-dried ordering you about' approach, won't stop him calling you mad etc., but it does make you realise how utterly cold he can be.

Nothing will be beneath him in this fight. Try to brace yourself for how low he can go. And nothing will stop him trying to find any excuse for justifying his abuse, denying his abuse etc etc. He will never admit responsibility, never show shame and never apologise. These are things that I found it incredibly hard to accept - probably as it goes against every fibre of your being and any sense of justice. This is how it is.

So my son has seen him and was so sad by how sad and broken he is.
I'm sat thinking how sad it must be to be him. I agree he can have the kids a couple of days. He thanks me.

Fifteen minutes later he texts he forgot he is motorbike riding one of those days so can he bring them home early.
So. Misses the kids.
But has a bike ride more important.
Right.

How DO I say
Erm... Not really sure I want you to come back whenever you think this 'give me space' thing is over

He's really showing you who he is, isn't he? It couldn't be more obvious. Please keep trying Women's Aid. And don't let what he shows your son affect you too much; how has he reacted when you were in pieces, wanting affection, etc? He's hurt that he cannot continue to control you, and that you don't grovel to get him back. Hurt that he's been called out on his behaviour. You keep going!!

Yes, so clearly his idea of "giving you space" is to move out and then proceed to be as much in-your-face as he can possibly manage. You are not allowed to have time off away from him, Wait, away from what he wants, how he wants it and when he wants it. Is the message.

Since he won't respect the "time away from him" deal, you're the one who's going to have to enforce him: by ignoring his texts, and most of all not allowing him the headspace in your own mind.

enfore it*

Flaming Nora! He thinks he's got you on a piece of string doesn't he?

Tell him you've already made other plans for that day he asked to have the kids.

He's started as he means to go on.

If he's ever had enough of the wheeler-dealer business your H is pretty much guaranteed to be a wow on the stage. Broken, indeed!

It's all a big act for your son! He couldn't wait to get away. Freedom
Isn't he lucky he can just go to his parents house!

Start as you mean to go on, just because he's remembered "the bike thing"
Doesn't suddenly mean "oh I can't have the kids now"
Tell him you've told the girls, and your not messing them about!!!
Let him miss hus bloody bike thing, you can't just take off can you?

Believe me if he's the buisness Man you say he is,he will be getting things in motion(hence staying in this country) get one step ahead of him.
Don't let slip anything you have done/about to do or thinking off.

Can't.
Can't do this any more.
Can't handle it. Want him to come home. Cannot handle THE thought of the kids not being with me this weekend. Can't. Been awake all night. Feel so sick. I absolutely don't want to be by myself. How do I get him to just come home

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am

I read this and thought - that sounds like me, or like I was.

But I might be barking right up the wrong tree.

My problem was, actually, not knowing myself or what I wanted or needed in life (to make me happy).
For who knows what complex reasons.
Having an aggressive DP just confuses everything. You expect them to make you happy, instead you can't concentrate on yourself because their egos are in the way and you are angry, sorry etc in turns.

Perhaps counseling would help you, OP. Is there something from your past which is not being faced, making you anxious?

I put a front on of being happy, kind etc but inside wasn't. This is very stressful. Ignore if this is not you.

The experienced posters who have given you such good advice and support will be along soon, and I have nothing to add to what has already been said. I just wanted to say that 25 years ago I went through a much less traumatic divorce after a 27 year marriage and I never thought I would survive. I think it was because I had no idea of the person I was (am), having spent so many years basically servicing a rather selfish man and being, in effect, a single parent. I did more than survive, I found a life I actually enjoyed.

Being apart from your husband will enable you to find the strong, happy, intelligent, friendly person who is the real you - this person shines through your posts in spite of your current sad and scary situation.

Good luck.

Did you try Women's Aid last night?

Though perhaps if you had you wouldn't be in such a pickle this morning
You have to talk to the right people IN REAL LIFE or you'll lose your marbles, Wait.
No-one on here will sympathise with you on a longterm basis if all you want is to complain about him but not do anything about it. That's called enabling and no-one will do it.

Dear Wait, I have followed your thread horrified at how he treats you. On a practical note, if he has the kids for a few days he will have a bit less time to rearrange his finances and you will have a lot more time for your forensic evidence gathering.
You deserve better than this half life.

My guess (though it can only be a guess, nobody but your H knows what's going on in his mind) is that this is exactly what he's been angling for. There was some chance you'd enjoy him being away if the kids were there, so he's taken them away too. Now you feel lonely because your life for the last few years has totally revolved round other people - even when they weren't being very nice - and now there's nothing to revolve around, you feel cast adrift. As MisguidedAngel says above, you don't know how to be yourself or even who you are. As far as you know you're a dizzy, daft woman only fit to look after a household and not making a very good job of that, because that's what you've been told exclusively for a very long time. As soon as you began to wonder if there was more to life than this, the party of the second part starts destabilising your universe so there's nothing left to cling onto but... him! It's crude psychology but it works. That's why they do it.

Wait, are you prepared to live the next 20 years like the last? Because he absolutely WILL NOT CHANGE. You are living in a fantasy if you think he is going to turn over a new leaf. If you are prepared to play out the rest of your marriage as it has been then ask him to come home. If you can't live with the marriage you have been in then YOU have to change the situation. He won't. That is the truth of the matter. Look deep in your heart and mind as to what you want/NEED for your life to be happy and act accordingly. Time to put the big girl pants on and be honest with yourself regarding the truths in your life. IMO you are a very sad, unloved woman who deserves better from her life but I can't make these decisions for you.

I have read through the whole thread, been lurking for days.

I have no experience of emotional abuse but I absolutely applaud those on here that have been through similar to you and who offer women such as yourself sound, supportive and excellent advice.

Maybe this is too harsh but your last update is just so frustrating to read.
Why on earth do you want him home. I can understand the kids, but why him? You have just spent weeks telling us all on MN how awful he is, and everyone is agreeing with you and offering you advice and support.

Do something about it!

(I know, I know, it's not that easy, and having never been in your situation what do I know, but my God it's frustrating to read!!)

Why are you not phoning WA? Why do you not attend the FP? Why do you want him home?? He is an evil man who does not deserve you.

Please, find that strength within you somehow.

Everybody is entitled to have a wobble!!!!

Wait this is what happening right now, your thinking what am I going to to all day/night.
BUT really your doing it day in day out your on your own,
When the children are at school then out playing your on your own from 9am to maybe 7pm now in summer then maybe a few words with him when he comes home.

If you can't manage sending the children DONT it's your choice now you don't have to do what he says!
Or maybe just send them 1 day your choice!

It's the thought only a thought of being on your own that's freaking you right now.

Could you meet a friend for coffee, go shopping for hour or so or do those jobs you've been wanting to get round to.
Go for ride on the horse.

OK, Wait, you can let him back. I got out, was isolated from all support (not that I had a lot in the best of times) and crumbled. I took him back. All was wonderful for a while, as long as I ignored the niggling feeling that nothing had really changed. A month or so later, I left for good.

It was a useful eye-opener, but leaving was harder the second time.

Thinking of you today.

Sorry this has thrown you, Wait.

Is it him you actually want back? Or is it the thought of not having the kids at home this weekend?

Are you frightened of being on your own?

You need to have someone to help you. Can you get a friend to come round to make you a cup of tea and just give you a shoulder?

What is actually happening this w/e regarding the children. Is he having them one day or two? If two, you could change your mind to one day... or you could say you're not happy with them staying away from home overnight.

Have you got any plans for yourself for the weekend. You need other adult company. Dog walk with a mate, a coffee somewhere...? Ring a couple of mates - this is what friends are for, you need people at this time. Most people would drop everything and come round to a friend in a crisis. You are not a weakling, this is one of those times.

Ladies. Don't shout don't be frustrated.
I miss him. I want him back. On my terms. And yes he might never change. I might be at this point again next month. But it's too fast. It's too much. Too much. I don't hate him at all. I don't feel anger. I feel pain. If it came to me leaving I'm going to have to be bloody angry.
You know I have learnt so so much on this thread. So much. It's changed my life.
I have a bank account. I have a contact with a solicitor. I have rights. I bloody know them too.
I have therapy booked. I have a class booked. I'm even going to give FP a go after this Easter break.
And all I AM doing is meeting him. On my say so. To talk.
He may well tell me to fuck off. He may well play mind games.
But I'm a little bit wiser. Even if just a bit. This isn't 'it' this is just what needs to be next for me. A chance. On my terms. If he'd like it. That's all.