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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to fix me...

903 replies

WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 17:46

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

OP posts:
chocolatefingersandtoes · 08/04/2015 13:29

That's exactly what I thought Annie, but thought I was just being too cynicalGrin

GoatsDoRoam · 08/04/2015 13:42

There are other law firms. Once you've had your cup of tea and chocs and a breather in the sunny garden, see who else you could call. Phone Women's Aid and ask them which solicitors they recommend.

But definitely take the time every day to do something like tea+chocs+sunshine: you need to relax regularly, in order to be fit to keep on tackling all the things you need to tackle!

You know he's going to swan back in in a week's time, expecting you to have learned your lesson and go back to being submissive, and if you haven't, he will go into attack mode about divorce and finances. He only knows how to ignore and minimise your feelings, or attack you for having them.

His panic about finances says so much about what his real priorities are - and how much he's trying to keep from you. He'd rather lose you than lose his assets, you can be sure of it. So keep gathering any evidence you can of his business and finances, and storing it somewhere safe (eg. upload to the cloud)

Moving yours and the children's passports sounds completely rational, by the way, given the man you are dealing with. Good instinct.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/04/2015 13:57

Can't you just imagine him saying why was she so upset, he just went away for a few days' holiday that's all, what's all this talk about divorce? And Wait would be massively relieved and feel a bit silly for catastrophising. At least that's the plan.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 13:59

Don't panic Wait, there's ways around the legal fees.

Keep enquiring until you find a firm who are either willing to take fees from the settlement, or who offer loans for divorce expenses.

It's also possible, if your ex partner has the means to pay but you don't and have explored all other avenues of finance, that he could be ordered by the court to pay your costs. (Though I understand this isn't common.)

queenoftheknight · 08/04/2015 14:44

As far as the passports are concerned, you did something really important there. As was said, Good instinct. Don't underestimate that. Your instincts will guide you, listen to them, as you did with the passports.

Is the sunny place inside the EU? Offshore accounts? Just a thought...I know nothing about such things......

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/04/2015 15:39

He's got an email on his computer - not that I would read them ;)
From his business accountants
Thanking him for his brothers address and saying they will sort that -whatever that is- asap.
I took a photo of it. I don't know if its a quick take her off my businesses or nothing to do with me.
(I do think nothing to do with me as he will no doubt think I'll get over this. But I never know...)
Yes.
He has def packed some things and gone.
Not a lot of things - coat shoes underwear face wash etc. Not favourite things or computers etc.
It all says I'll return.
I don't know when either Hmm
I don't want to change any locks. I would actually do this all amicably just.... My instinct says I should KNOW everything just incase.

I'd love to ask solicitors a lot of very clever questions and come out wiser.
But I honestly have no great clue what to ask. Sad

Ah. Yes. Ouch. He would rather lose me than his companies. Well. Lovely. I feel damn special.
Also - work. I thought he couldn't possibly stop working. Funny how he can just take off to a place near Spain but not spain now.

And- don't mind my head emptying here- if I'm so awful he's unhappy and would rather work why oh why is he still with me and why is it all me wanting some space???! I don't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/04/2015 15:40

Meant to say -that email was 10am this morning. After he left the house.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 15:53

if I'm so awful he's unhappy and would rather work why oh why is he still with me and why is it all me wanting some space???! I don't understand.

Because he likes making you feel small. It makes him feel bigger. You're his teddy bear, remember? Sorry :(

The email from his accountant - was there not a chain, if it was a reply? Did you check in his sent items?

springydaffs · 08/04/2015 16:02

You pay for the lawyer out of your settlement ie right at the end of the process.

Best to get recommendations for lawyers from Women's Aid. You need one who knows the score with types like this. It is highly likely your H will muck about to high heaven, prolonging the process (therefore costing you £££) and you need a lawyer who can cut through all that if possible.

It is highly likely he is already moving assets btw. Probably a business meeting with his mother?

springydaffs · 08/04/2015 16:06

Dont let the kids out of the country . Your instinct is serving you well on that re hiding the passports.

FightingFires · 08/04/2015 16:12

First thing to ask any solicitor: have you dealt with an abuser before. You need someone with experience. Your H will not make any solicitors life easy.

Then it's about where they suggest you live, separately to him, preferably in your current home with the children, and how you manage financially while it all gets untangled. I hate to tell you this, but it could be more than a year.

I managed to find a solicitor who knew I had nothing, and took the fees from my final settlement, it made him v keen I got the best possible outcome. He was also a barrister, which made things a little cheaper when it came to court, so that may be worth a look too.

I know YOU want to be amicable but there is very little chance he will. Prepare for a fight, not to stitch him up, that's the last thing I wanted either, but to get what is fairly yours, so you can live a life, and you don't get to decide that, the law already has.

Also, the law doesn't care who did what to whom. Not about you being a rubbish wife (sure you are not, but The Script says you are) or him and his issues. It's just about a fair settling of affairs for all.

springydaffs · 08/04/2015 16:13

I paid for one lawyer with a monthly standing order (£40) over a number of years. Women's Aid will recommend lawyers who will do this. Most lawyers take payment out of the settlement - they will have ascertained in that first half hour the likelihood of enough monies once everything has gone through.

springydaffs · 08/04/2015 16:16

You may want to be amicable but it will come down to kill or be killed. = war. Because he will play dirty.

Don't ask a lawyer if they have dealt with abuse before, they are unlikely to give a straight answer. Best to go to one who has been recommended eg by Women's Aid.

FightingFires · 08/04/2015 16:25

That's a better idea Springy Smile

mylifeisgood · 08/04/2015 16:56

My partner has been a divorce lawyer for a long time and has said that women always try and do things amicably or are generally too "reasonable", they try to work things out and take more time to get tough. Consequently they are surprised at how much of a cunt their ex becomes and how quickly.
Whereas men, as soon they realise divorce is on the cards, start mobilising and planning and switch into tough, cold-thinking, cunt-mode very quickly.

I doubt if these are women advised by MN though. So not you Wait.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/04/2015 20:21

I have cried. I have had a massive panic attack. And
I've also got on pretty well with a normal life easter break day. I feel... Weird.
I still don't know what I want. I just want different to what it's been. That's about as profound and deep as I can be. I have lost all emotions. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/04/2015 20:23

I am struggling finding a list of solicitors on women's aid. Will keep looking.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 08/04/2015 20:47

you need to talk to them dear Wait. Now he isn't here this is your opportunity to call in the evening or overnight. the lines are usually busy during the day.0808 2000 247. They will probably arrange for you to meet a support worker (if you want - but please do if you get the chance) who, amongst other things, will supply you with a list of local lawyers who understand the abuse dynamic. you don't have to give your full name if you don't want to to the support worker.

Also try Rights for Women

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/04/2015 21:43

Ring them? Why is ringing them so hard....

OP posts:
PoppyField · 08/04/2015 21:49

Hi Wait,

When's he due back? I suggest nearer the time, that you suggest to him he stay away for a few days more to give you some 'space'. He can't just swan back in when he feels like it.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 21:58

I expect it feels hard wait because once you've said the words out loud to a stranger, it will make it all seem real?

You've told us lot. You've done a lot to educate yourself over the last few weeks. You've told friends and you've told your DCs a bit. You can do this. You can handle telling a stranger on a phone, who's there to listen and help you, a bit about what's been going on. You don't have to give her chapter and verse - just tell her that your husband's very controlling and that you are looking for a recommendation for local lawyers who are good at dealing with this kind of asshat.

Make yourself a Brew and go to it.

CharlotteCollins · 08/04/2015 22:58

WA are probably the easiest people to talk to: unshockable, totally supportive and with a wealth of useful information and contacts.

You can do this!

Anniegetyourgun · 09/04/2015 08:59

You're not making anything happen by doing this, you're just gathering information. WA don't have to know who you are, even.

queenoftheknight · 09/04/2015 09:08

The first time I rang WA, I just sobbed. And sobbed.........and sobbed. They were so kind and so totally understanding. It was like getting the biggest hug I'd ever had.

Don't think about it too much, just dial the number, and expect to press redial a few times.

GoatsDoRoam · 09/04/2015 09:16

Taking action is hard. So it's natural to shy away from it. Thing is, as I'm sure you know, the discomfort of not taking action ends up being way more painful than the discomfort of biting the bullet.

Phoning WA seems momentous to you right now. Once you've finally done it (and gotten through to them - their lines are often busy), you'll realise it was no big hurdle after all, and you'll feel better for having done it.

Big hug.