How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Thank you chocolate I have indeed stopped and gone to bed.
Tomorrow I want bank statements printed. He can fuck off to work and I'll do that.
I just want to sort things. Move from limbo. It's so hard going so slowly.

Poppy he has sent me an invitation to 'edit this doc' and I got the giggles. He's very proud of spreadsheets.
He can talk me through it at some point. Then I can tell my solicitor what he means.....

Re: the invite and 'being nice'. Don't worry. I did that a lot, and you learn your lesson a little bit more every time. I found myself falling into potholes he had dug for me time and time again, and if I dodged round the first one, I would realise that there were more traps after that. Even after we separated, I would fall for something which involved relying on him for something, and then he'd let me down and I would suddenly twig that I'd done it again! Just too nice, and Christ, do you know what I was expecting him to behave like a reasonable human being! Noooo, don't fall for that one! It is hard to explain, but you have to train yourself to realise that he will be setting traps all over the place for you, and if you swerve one, you need not to sit back on your laurels but keep looking out for the next one. You'll get better at it.

It is hard to get out of your normal habits - and my normal habit was to 'broker the world' for him... just like wot you did in your email. I probably did that because I was always on edge about whether he would humiliate me socially so I would try to shape social arrangments some way. I couldn't help myself coz he was so fucking rude. Of course, it was up to him if he wanted to offend people - it was just I wanted to appear nice and typically, I worried what people thought. It was a relief when we separated not to feel I had to do that 'middle man' role any more... but old habits die hard.

I thought it was maybe significant in itself that they are 'his' friends, but that they make contact through you. Hmmm - I wonder why that is? Is it because you are so much nicer than he is. Yes, thought so.

He is still playing games, don't agree to anything, like stacey says give vague answers which buy you time.

He has clearly been seeing this coming, hence the escalation in controlling nasty behaviour towards you to pull you back in line.

Now it has not worked he has plan B, he will THINK you are weak and have not seen him for his true colours, let him think that, buy yourself time, make no guarantees, just keep gathering information and please please see a solicitor.

He may now start being more careful about hiding finances etc.

His offer to move out is probably just a test, I would be very surprised if he did, unfortunately he is going to keep changing tact to keep you guessing and emotionally tired.

The fact you can see his manipulation and control is such a huge step, you have done marvellously so far, keep going.

I don't think he did see it coming. Anything not of his making, outside of his control, doesn't exist.

He's probably shocked to his boots. This does go in your favour, Wait. If my (very similarly controlling) ex was anything to go by, he'll be in shock/confusion for a short window. Shock and confusion that there is another world that exists that he didn't make in 6 days, resting on the 7th.

Use that window, it buys you time. Iiwy I wouldn't go through that ridiculous schedule, it's all probably rubbish anyway; plus it'll be an opportunity for him to weave threads if gossamer around your head (and heart), make you look stupid, inept, ridiculous, worthless - it's what he gets off on, after all. If he brings it up, say 'later' or similarly non-commital things. As Stacey says, if you have to speak to him, speak to him in general terms, non-commital "hmm, I see' 'OK' etc - and no more. Try not to feed into dialogue.

Other agencies - FP (of course!), Women's Aid, lawyer. Book lawyers now, first half hour free - see a few, get a feel for them, see who you click with. They get through an amazing amount in half an hour and you will come away with a very clear picture of what (%ages) you are to expect financially. If you want to give some indication of what's been going on you could say that the finances haven't been evenly distributed throughout the marriage; you've been kept in the dark, even though on paper you have been utilised to avoid tax a part in the business/es though you have no idea what that part is. But you don't have to tell them this if you don't want to - however, their interest will be piqued if you do because they'll want to get the bastard . I cried throughout my initial sessions so don't worry if you do, you won't be the first by far.

Tell your GP frankly and openly what is going on: that you have been controlled to within an inch of your life throughout the relationship and you now see that the depression you were treated for some years ago was in fact a direct result of the controlling tenre of the relationship; that you expect things to get rocky in the months ahead and need their support; that you want them to keep an eye on the kids.

I'd also give a heads up to the school/s that you are negotiating a separation and to watch out for the kids. You may want to go into more detail but be wary of this as you may not get a sympathetic hearing - however, your H may cause problems at the school in the future so you may need to flag up his controlling nature to the school.

I'm liking the new tone to your posts, Wait! I can see some steel glinting through. Wait to go.

I'm not being triumphant here. I know from experience how sad this time is for you.

*WAY to go!

Dear Wait, I have been following your story with hope and admiration.

Just to say that anyone who so much as touched my dog with intent would be lucky to still be alive. I would be livid. You were probably getting unconditional love from that lovely creature, and your DH didn't like that.

Bastard. He likes to hurt you doesn't he? Sending you loads of courage and hugs

Well he really seems to be going.
Now he's thrown can he take the kids away next week at me.
THAT has me in a tizz big time.

You could say, "Maybe. Let's see how the week goes." Non-committal for now, he's not gone yet!

Do the kids have school next week?
Otherwise non-committal for now.

Just be casual and breezy, "let's see how it goes...I'll think about it..., ect..." No drama, don't bite. His biggest control over you are the kids and their well being. Look for a solicitor today Wait...the sooner you get on top of the finances, the better.

Morning Wait.

You are doing really well. Non-commital and 'accepting' is good. Don't react to verbal prodding and deliberate nasties about the children.

You are a swan - serene and lovely, whatever mad paddling is going on under the surface.

Agree with chocolatefingers - the kids will be his next favourte lever on your soul. Prepare yourself for accusations of being uncaring, unfit mother etc. Don't react or try to justify yourself against that kind of nonsense. It is incredibly hurtful, but just practice replying with a 'hmmm' or a very mild 'that's a point of view, I suppose'!

Remember, he needs to do things to make himself feel superior to you, and he needs to control that tightly, because his reality depends on it.

He needs to "get one over" on you, to "win", to score points, all the time. If you read back, or think about every interaction with him, he has to "win" the point, to be bigger, better, cleverer, whatever. He does this by making you feel small, inferior, "blonde", mad etc, etc. It actually has fuck all to do with you! Really. Nothing to do with you at all! It's his inferiority problem....HIS.

Knowing that can inform the way you interact with him.

You can either not play, or for a quiet life, let him think he has won the point, made you look inferior, whatever, and just carry on with rebuilding YOUR life, as a whole human being, NOT his whipping boy. He doesn't need to know. It's actually non of his fucking business!

And remember, using the kids as a tool in his insanity is absolutely part of the script, and counts as abuse towards them.

Echoing everyone else, FP, WA, GP, SHL. And get that good friend on board too. I warned mine that it would be awful and promised to treat her to a weekend away once it was all done. We had the best weekend ever

Wait, it is going to get worse. It's the script. I laughed out loud at the spreadsheet, I got reams of them and they were all colour coded and made little sense. I got them for everything, all the money he'd ever spent on me, my estimated bills, when he could see the kids. I ended up just ignoring them. They were all completely irrelevant and another attempt at control.

I can see you are made of steel, even if you don't think so, to be fighting back like you are you must be (I think I was still gibbering at your stage). Remember to save some fight, if it doesn't matter and he's just trying to wind you up, nod, 'mmhmm', 'ok', does the job.

Keep on keeping on.

You aren't crying or begging enough at the mere mention of his going away, so he has to escalate things by saying he will take the children too. If you think it sounds like a great idea for them to get a week's quality time with dad (which must be pretty rare, isn't he a workaholic?) he'll have to get a bit more outrageous and then a bit more (eg suppose he didn't bring them back, sort of thing). He'll carry on until you get upset. Carrying on until you get upset is what he does.

I'm going to take a wild guess here, but if you said yes it's a great idea to take the kids - he would suddenly not be too keen

It would give you the space you need to get your ducks in a row, and a bit of peace

The spreadsheet is about regaining control. He's losing one area of control: you no longer want to play along, so he's made a spreadsheet to be like "So you want to leave? Right, well THIS is how it's going to be then!"

Everything he ever does or will do is about control. Control control control: by demeaning you, by hiding finances from you, by bluster and by little-boy-lost behaviour, all of it is designed to put you where HE wants you.

You're already learning how to do it, but more and more, you are just going to have to serenely accept and ignore everything he says or does. All of it. And instead just examine what it is that you want, where your best interests lie, and take the actions to make that happen. Independently of him: he does not have your best interests at heart. So make sure that you do.

Ducks in a row: paper trail, shit hot lawyer.

All the best!

Read your story from begin, what a turn around in your thoughts/feeling towards him.
I'm in a very similar position! A controller who thinks I havnt got a brain!
No kids though.

Defo agree he's bricking it re finances( your worth more financially than he's letting on) it's easy to say, you can have the house(it's mortgaged! How do you pay the mortgage or even take it over as a SAHM)
Defo get lawyer not solicitor that will freak him.

Your lucky(I know you don't feel you are at mo) at him saying I'm leaving
Mine as said "I've got the money so will fight you all the way and I will just prelong it as long as I can) how can you do this when you know the relationship is going nowhere!!!

Stay calm, short answers and don't take the bait, this is what I'm learning to do.

Watching with interest

Wow Wait you have come such a long way since starting this thread, many painful realisations but these realisations, painful though they are, will ultimately help you on your way to freedom.
Having recently started separating from an EA PA guy (he's moving out soon), it's such a relief to realise I'm not "mad" or "needy" (funny how no-one else in my life would think I am that), just a normal human reaction to a manipulative, withholding emotional fuckwit.
I got a sarky comment a few days ago about something - my usual failure to wash glasses to a sufficiently high standard - and I laughed and said "I don't have to care about what you think, do or say anymore, and it feels terrific" - and it did!
At least he had the grace to say I've become so much more confident since our relationship ended, and I agreed and said it was a bit of a bad indictment on him.
Don't worry Wait, painful though things are at present, you will get there, and once you do with the peace of mind and headspace, you won't know yourself!

I don't feel comfortable him taking the kids away. Particularly out of the country. I've actually just moved our passports -which sounds irrational but ...
He has gone. Unfortunately I feel he's gone on holiday.
Okay I'll go sit in the sun whilst my mad wife sulks.
I'm not sure running to his mother -she's in the sunny place- will really help.
I figure he's going to come back either very angry and mean or come back and assume I've got over it now.

I keep feeling sick. And I keep feeling I do want him back
And then I dont
And then I do
I cannot imagine a future by myself on my own
But
I am lonely WITH him here so..
-see? No logic in my head anymore :(

I emailed a local family law firm. They have no room to see me til april20th !
And charge £150 an hour after first meeting.
Where on earth do I get that kind of money?!!!

Of course he's on holiday, was quite convent for him to "have to leave". So he can go sit in the sunuse this week wiselyhave the locks changed

Sorry, posted too soon...Maybe not change the locks but just enjoy the peace for a few hours. Deep breath, cup of tea, Easter chocolate perhaps? Just chill for a bit, you've had a shocker of a few days

Does anyone else wonder whether he was angling for an excuse all along to go and join Mummy for a sunny holiday?

You need the kids to keep you going this week whilst he's gone

As he actually packed his suitcase and gone?

Of course your thoughts are all over the place! Yes no yes no
But you answered your own question your lonely with him there and lonely with him gone. But your not lonely your in shock wait!

What about giving WA a ring, they must if come across women who need advice but havnt got the finance to go beyond free half hour.
Or what you could do is write a list of questions go to lawyer/solicitors get as far down on the list for half hour then the questions that havnt been answered go to another. I know it's a pain, but it's free!