How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

It begins early tonight.
I was sent a party invite email from distant friends. They are his friends (if we are saying who knew them first etc) but sent it to me. So I forwarded it to him. With the words; you should go.

Instantly comes back
'Yeah right! Go on my own!'

Well yes. ? Because we aren't talking and you don't like me much? I'm so crazy I need to break down?
DO I sound like the ideal date?!

I haven't replied. Tempting. But. I remembered - do not respond.

Don't respond. He sent away your DOG? I would never ever forgive him for that one thing alonefucking twat. How can you stand how horrible he is to you? Genuine question...

So you're prepared for him to go on his own, and his incredulous about this? And yet you're the needy one?

I know you're not convinced about the needy thing Wait. So get your counselling, look at this 'neediness'. Then when you've eliminated that worry (of the problem being you, being needy) then you can go on to the next step.

You are doing really well .

You don't have to respond to Dh, you don't have to have an answer ready , you are not in court in the witness box

A non- answer is just fine

I don't know , your probably right
Yes that's probably for the best
I don't really know what I want / think / feel right now, I'm a bit confused
I need some time / space to think things through
I don't know
Yes, maybe I am stupid / ungrateful / too needy / a bully / mad , I can understand why you want to leave
I'm too tired to think clearly

I know that you really REALLY want to him to understand why you are unhappy . And to change himself and his behaviour to make everything "fine".

But why should he? He likes things just the way they were until recently . Why do you think he will start treating you with leave, care and respect, if he's not done so for the last 20 years ?

I don't see how that's going to happen,do you ? It's not him who has changed, it's you. He's always treated you like this, hasn't he ? It's just you are not willing to put up with it anymore

And you are starting to belive that you don't have to . And that you have choices and options.

All this drama from him is just acting , it's just words . You don't have to dance to his tune anymore .

Big fight. Big big fight. he's finally hearing I want him to leave.
He's shocked. Angry. And said I don't need a solicitor

He will 'see me right' if I don't involve a solicitor. But will play mean if I do.
I can have the house but not his business.
NOW my head is spinning.

And said I don't need a solicitor

They all say that one too! But you really, really do.

Really? I see a terrified man who thinks I'm now going to take everything I can.
I really don't care about much.

Look at my little 27 page thread.
It's like a bloody sitcom.

See, if he had nothing to hide, if he was genuinely going to see you right, a solicitor representing your interests would give the offer the once-over, see all was fine, parcel it all up tidily and get the court to rubber-stamp it for you. There may be no need to involve a solicitor, but there would be no reason NOT to involve one either.

This man has no intention of playing fair.

He won't ever change. I know that's hard to hear - it took me years to get my head around that. Even post-divorce I longed for us to be civilised. Sometimes it looked like, at last, we were getting on to a civilised footing... but was crushed when it became clear he had been buttering me up for one reason or another.

Right, FP harpy here! I bang on and ON about FP because it almost miraculously breaks the agony of what you're going through. Whether it's the group dynamic, peer support, info, sensitive and knowledgeable facilitators.. I really don't know, but it really does do the trick. Actually, it's probably bringing the whole sorry mess out into the open, into Real Life. There's something about that - breaks the isolation. Abusers do it behind closed doors, after all. It is a terrible secret, no-one knows. Ffs Wait, go to the blasted FP!

He got rid of your DOG?!? That is just so cruel, Wait. My dad is like this, he takes away from my mum everything that means anything to her.

It's launched now then. Wibble. Things are going to get a LOT worse, Wait. You can't see how it could? Just watch.

You need any and every agency on your side, you need to get out there. Your 'little' thread (if you don't mind!) is not going to be enough, as gold-plated as it is with exceptionally good support, advice, camaderie. Ultimately it's not real life - well, it is (I'm real, I don't know about anybody else...) but you need real REAL life iyswim. You need to get launched.

I am going to FP. it's shut over easter but I emailed her a few times.
I am going to therapy at some point.
I AM going to a solicitor despite what he says.

I actually laughed at DH tonight. He said. 'You want me to leave? -incredulous face- for a few nights. ?
Right. Well pack me some clothes and I'll go tomorrow.'
PACK YOU SOME CLOTHES???!! Pack your own!!!!

Okay WHO else can be on my side? What other agencies and support? I'm on it- just point me the right way.

And yes. Funny - breaking the isolation makes a difference. I've been carefully telling a few people I know. I have to make it real. To say it. To hear it.

It's already devastatingly sad.

IME, I would jump on his offer that he will leave "for a few nights", even if you pack his bloody clothes for him.

It's always better when they leave willingly, as a short trial breathing space. Then you can try to stretch it out, make it permanent.

MUCH worse when they start to dig their heels in, and then you're stuck living under the same roof as a manipulative crazy-maker.

"Right. Well pack me some clothes and I'll go tomorrow."

This is so he can present the narrative of "Wait just went mad... I have been worried about her for some time, then over Easter weekend she just went crazy, packed my suitcase and threw me out"

Other support: Womens Aid (separately from the FP.) Your GP. CAB, for general practical and legal advice.

But mainly I would say the most important thing is to have at least one friend who you can tell everything to, can cry on her shoulder and can ask her "do you think I'm being mad/needy/a bitch?" (Spoiler alert: the answer will be no )

We will absolutely help you of course, but as you're discovering, telling people out loud, and having them validate your feelings, is very powerful and necessary.

Definitely don't bother with those people who've said "Oh I'd love to be in your shoes." Fuck that shit!

Talk to your kids on a sort of general level (the adult ones) but don't unburden yourself to them. Try to be neutral about their dad and let them make up their own minds. If you slag him off they will naturally feel defensive of him. So just stick with "your dad and I are not making each other happy, so we've decided it's best to split up."

Don't tell the younger ones anything at this stage. Just say Daddy's gone away for a few days.

Hi OP,

He's exhausting isn't he? And brace yourself for more mad nonsense.

He wants confrontation, he wants fights, he wants reaction from you more than anything. Try really hard not to give it to him. Especially if you sense that he is trying to wind you up so you end up really laying it on the line how MUCH you want him to leave. You are treading a fine line. His whole existence is about scuppering your plans so don't give yourself away. Stick to the 'I think we both need some space', 'We're both unhappy...' 'You're probably right...' etc etc etc. Keep it really mundane and don't let him get you to a fever pitch where you start shouting the odds and telling him just how much you want to see his sorry backside disappearing out the door. Yes, even pack his stupid bag if that's what it takes to make him think you're a broken woman.... as that is what he wants.

Absolute classic about not wanting you to get a solicitor. I mean, does he think you are that stupid. Obviously any man NOT wanting you to get a solicitor planning to completely shaft you financially. Unbelievably transparent. He will get nasty anyway, solicitor or no solicitor. You will definitely want one, just so you can have the satisfaction of replying to his emails, texts etc with 'you will need to contact my solicitor about that'. Joy.

Also, with that invitation from friends - your mistake was to forward him with any accompanying 'advice' from you. He is just desperate for something to object to, so he went ballistic with you saying the somewhat mild 'You should go'. Don't give him anything to chew on. If you had that scenario again, just forward it, with maybe a 'FYI' and that's it.

Great that you are telling people in RL. You will be surprised how many will be cheering for you.

He's sent me a Google doc. A budget. It's bloody complicated I assume it's how we will split the money or how we will manage money wise. And I assume it's complicated not just because I'm not a numbers person but because he WANTS it to look complicated.
He is right in his little business world element-today's project crazy wife budget sheet
I replied - 'this looks very complicated you will have to talk me through it. Although I don't see my debts on here ( dentist and old shop card paying off) so must add those'
I'm proud I said that
(And yes, we do seem to corespondent by text a lot. Even when in same house.
I don't mind. I don't have to talk and I have evidence of what he says)
A Google docs budget sheet. Wow.

correction: 'is planning to completely shaft you...'

Yes poppy I realise trying to be nice on that invite email was wrong. How on earth do I stop being nice by default?!

It's really hard. I want to show him I'm not stupid and have made plans and thought this through but I know he will twist them the minute he hears them.

He's very scared of his business being taken by me. This I do know now.
So I have my tax man look at this business form to fill in the minute he's nasty.
I wonder if he will go. I think he's actually looking at booking a weeks holiday. HOLIDAY. Instead of telling his family and staying with them.
He's reluctant to tell anyone at the moment... Is this because he thinks it will blow over or because he's embarrassed?

Wait....wait. Stop and Breeeeeeathe. Stop engaging, you're fuelling him. Even your DS told you and argument is what he wants. ) You now need a lawyer asap, tomorrow you should start gathering info on a Shit Hot Lawyer because as soon as he realises you're serious, (as he probably does now) he is going to start hiding stuff and planning on how to keep his "scheming" wife from getting HIS money. Just leave it alone for tonight. You must be exhausted.

Bet he's proud of that.

Do you really want him to talk you through it? Isn't that what he is itching to do? There is an agenda there. The primary one being that he thinks it will confuse you and make you think that 'poor likkle kitten' can't manage on her own.

The second and third motives are less obvious. But these are probably just the early broad brush strokes of the major cover-up he will have started with his finances - that was the other thing he has been doing all day!

I suppose a 'talk through' might be quite interesting if you want to here how he is laying the groundwork for his fantastical architecture of lies... but I doubt that holds much fun for you.

I would prefer the cool response to him handing in his feverishly swotty homework: 'Thank you, I might have a look at that at some point'.

Keep going Wait