How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Test answer: "Ok"

Let him leave. It will give you much needed headspace.

Don't forget, the title of this thread is how to fix YOU. Space to think is a very good start.

Yes I suspect you are jealous. He has developed your jealousy by specifically exploiting your human need for love, nurture, respect, consideration, compassion. He has done this on purpose. To make you craving love, even crumbs, because you have been so starved. He has done this on purpose Wait.

Keep going Wait. Feeling sick is very par for the course, I'm afraid. I felt sick when I was at the stage you are at. You can't think straight and you're going round and round things as if you are a goldfish going round a bowl at top speed. Try to stay calm. Try to hold on to the idea that him leaving will be a relief.

You can't change him. What you are doing is changing your response to him and he doesn't like it. In fact he is pulling out all the stops here, as others have said. That might give you some confidence - the fact that he is the one panicking here.

Your best response is no response. Don't react, whatever he flings at you.

He really does need to leave. Then you will have some respite. You will feel better, I promise you. The madness will fall away bit by bit once you are not living with an abuser - that's the thing that messes with your head big time.

A blessing in not such a good disguise OP! I bet you will feel SO much better shortly after he moves out...not that he has ANY intention on moving out mind you

I swear my head is spinning.
Today we have silent treatment, furious nasty texts, and now we have sad eyes and yes he would like to eat with us said in a little voice.
I'm getting tired of it now. Who was it much earlier in this thread that said their motto was 'fuck this shit'?
This evening I feel like saying that. A lot.

Nothing has been packed or even moved btw. Funny that for a man who is leaving today. Ffs.

That was me OP, my fav mantra and now your new fav motto, Fuck that Shit! So apt and to the point. Of course he isn't moving out. He never intended to...you don't realise it yet but if he did, it would be a good day for you. There are so so many women in abusive relationships who just simply can not get their husbands out of the house. Yours will put up an almighty fuss if he ever has to leave, Mark my words

I hope you didn't bloody cook him dinner after the performance he put on over the last 48 hours!

I kinda cook lots. He ate some.
This is WEIRD. I've been googling divorce solicitors and thinking about practicalities I think he has been napping. Or popping into work. Or driving.

I was deadly serious last night. And so I thought was he.

So.
What do I do. Say he should leave? Demand he leaves. Tell him I want a divorce.
just carrying on feels.... Nuts.
I am on auto pilot

Dreading the later evening when the kids are in bed. And he begins whatever he begins.

My god Wait he puts any teenager to shame with his up and down moods.

He is desperate, trying anything to provoke you. His behaviour would be enough to drive anyone mad, so the moment you flip - he can say, aha! Told you you're mad.

Can you imagine, how peaceful your life would be without all this?

Yes, I think it would be a good time to ask him to leave (even for a few days if that's easier).

You need a sentence for you to have up your sleeve if he starts up again.

What outcome would you like? Do you want him to go?

I don't know.
I think so.

By him leaving just for a night would mean he sees I am seriously not happy.

I honestly feel exhausted reading about his behaviour. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

I'm a single mum by the way, I have no contact with ds' father who was an emotional abuser and convinced me I was so mad I actually went to the hospital and begged to be sectioned. I got a lot of you're not mad, you are reacting very normally in your circumstances. I remember pining for his affection, because he would withdraw. And then when I would get myself together and start coping with the fact that we were better off without each other, he would come on strong with flowers, charm and affection.

You know what my life is like now? Peaceful. Bliss. Normal, with your usual ups and downs. Me and DS (also 10) are very happy. But no-one making me feel like shit, no-one playing cruel mind games and no-one taking up all my emotional, physical and mental energy.

And now that I'm single, I just don't get those cravings for affection anymore. And I look back, like I hope you will do, and think "WTF was I thinking??" He really did a number on me. Like your dh is. I really didn't think I'd ever feel happy again.

I cannot bear the everything is fine act. I want to scream and slap him for that. But I know he also wants me to scream and slap him so he can say it's further proof of his mad wife.

Caked up :( I'm sorry. I'm sorry for anyone who has done what i am doing or worse.
I do crave affection. I am a needy people person I do wonder how on earth I - a people person who adores animals and being outside- ended up with a man who hates messy animals, likes a city, and gets anxiety around lots of people.

How'd that happen. What WAS I thinking?

But.
I also think
What happens if I do this. Push away this man, father of my kids, and I am STILL up and down and needy.
It's only after leaving him I'd be able to see how much is me.
THAT scares me.

I'm so over it Wait it was 8 years ago! But I want you to see how some of us have felt just like you and have come out the other side.

You can have that life! In your future peaceful life, you could get a dog, couple of cats maybe? Join a a meet up group for countryside walks. Spend time socialising - without being judged or assessed, or feeling like you're doing it wrong. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to this future life of yours.

I doubt you are actually needy, just normal.

But even after putting aside this 'neediness' (it's a pretty astute bunch here on MN, if you were needy you would have been called on it, I promise you) he is still very unreasonable, cruel, emotionally unstable and controlling.

Actually he sounds like the needy one if anything.

You're not needy Wait, you are missing love and affection, kindness and tenderness. Not having those things from your partner creates a void that hurts you. It's NORMAL to need/want love and affection. Without love and affection a marriage starves, shrivels and dies. How on earth do you get that you are "needy" from these facts? Ohhh, let me guess, has your H told you you are a very "needy" person?

I have a few pets. That he takes time to complain about. He sent one dog away so I swore he could never do that again and have a cat, some chickens. Things that are pretty much NOT in your face. So his complaining is easy to blank out.

I need some help with words.
WHAT do I say when he starts again?
And how on earth do I begin explaining this whole thing to someone like a solicitor or therapist?
What on earth do I say.

Yes DH says I am ridiculously needy. To the point he can't possibly cope.

DH: We're both unhappy at the moment. I think it was a good idea of yours to leave, just so we can have some space to think things through.

Therapist: There is so much going on I don't know where to start.
[then let them do their job]

Solicitor: I am contemplating getting a divorce and would like to know where I stand.
[then let them do their job]

You don't need help with words Wait. Your words just haven't been given enough value by him and it's knocked your confidence

Thanks Cake. Not at all sure tho.