How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

He has been saying your crazy for ages hasn't he, sigggghhhhh, so drearingly predictable.

He's just making up shit now so he can have an even bigger go at you. From now on really try to not engage, the last thing you need is for him to suspect anything and start hiding assets. Disengage, it really will lighten the emotional turmoil you are in.

So hard to disengage
So hard.
He turns me rationally talking to gibbering angry hopelessly trying to defend myself.
How he got to me imaging things and saying all I do is think he's having an affair. I have no clue what he thinks anymore. It's not very normal thinking.
He's stormed out. Apparently I'm kicked out tomorrow.
Horrible conversation with kids, calming down them before bed. Lovely. Just lovely.

Don't worry about what he thinks. Hold on to what you think. And if that fails, hold on to what WE think. The MN coven thinks he is an abusive fucker - hold on to that.

And You are not going anywhere. He is. Repeat after me. If he storms out, let him. Hold the door for him. Treat it as an opportunity. If he starts shouting the odds and threatening to split up, HE is leaving, not you.

How would you feel about not trying to defend yourself ?

( I'm assuming you mea. arguing with him when he wants a fight , not that he is physically attackingor intimidating you )

Ugh. He's home.
He's doing the I am a martyr with a deranged wife act
He says I can keep the house and he will pay for everything. As long as he sees the kids twice a week.
Me thinks he will change his mind ten times, right?

I actually think I need a solicitor. Fuck.

Stacey - I try. I really try. But he knows exactly which buttons to press. Exactly. It's shit. He can instantly hit the crazy ugly stupid woman button. Tonight I was called a bully. I bit at that. I said I was not a bully .... He said I was an emotional bully.
I nearly offered to lend him the books
Ha.

Just smile and wave, smile and wave.

Don't react, let him carry on with this. Yes he will change his mind ten times just to keep you in a tizz and to try for a reaction. Well done for good predicting skills there Wait. You're getting it! Anticipate this and allow yourself to understand what he's doing.

If he looks for your opinion, don't let him think you are at all enthusiastic about him going... just maybe a sad sigh(with depressed mad woman expression) and say something anodyne like 'maybe you're right, maybe it's best for the children'. Just hold your breath till he's out the door. (It may take a few weeks, so I meant that metaphorically) And then breath a massive sigh of relief and dance like a banshee round the house. Believe me, you will be so relieved. Just hold tight and let him go.

Well I'm upstairs and he's sleeping downstairs
And my head is messed up.
All I can think is really great stuff like
That's it no more holidays
No money. No car. No phone.
No hugs. No one.

I actually want to run downstairs and say I don't mean it I'm sorry.

How the f**k does he do it? I'm the crazy messed up one. Yet he hasn't spoke to me properly for weeks.

Okay. I'm sat here thinking omg we are getting divorced, what do I do how will this work out, what next.... and it occurs to me
We might not actually be getting a divorce. That he might not mean any of this nor accept what I'm saying.
and quite possibly is sat down stairs not planning his divorce.

Wait all those plans you make in your head at times like these - they're the ones that carry you through when it actually comes true

I had worked out in my head the finances, school run, all the practicalities by the time I was brave enough to kick my ex out

Try to keep calm. Agree with him
And get your Ducks in a row quickly

"That's it no more holidays
No money. No car. No phone.
No hugs. No one."

Well, I'd imagine holidays with him are pretty awful. So maybe you won't be able to take luxury holidays any more, but you might not feel like you need to.
Less money, probably. Definitely not no money because he will be required to pay maintenance to allow you to fulfill the children's needs, and to keep yourself alive. This would probably extend, for example, to making sure that you have a reasonable car in working order, so that you can take the children to school, to activities, to appointments, etc. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to afford a £20/month phone!
As for hugs, I'm sure you'll get plenty from your kids.
And you will be able to make friends and see them when you want and not have to listen to his bullshit or sit there with a frozen smile in place as he abuses you in front of them again.
And down the line, if you feel you want to date again - you can. (You might find you prefer being alone - I do.)

I also think that once this piece of disgusting diseased wankery is out of your life, you will start to feel all kinds of healthier.

Hang in there. Disengage if you can, just keep replying "Perhaps you're right" and other anodyne phrases. Try not to fall into the trap of defending yourself - it makes no difference to him as it just gives him the satisfaction of knowing he's hurt you. Bastard.

Even though I didn't get a good settlement (noMN in those days!) the kids and I went on amazing holidays.

All that no phone/no holidays/etc is called catastrophising. Which always comes up with ridiculously dire scenarios. None of those things are going to happen.

He only pulled the divorce card to throw another grenade into your head. See how he's powering through the manipulations at record speed! If you could step back - though I'm not saying you should, just if you could - he is serving up an astonishing display of the precise thumbscrews he has used on you over the years.

At the FP you will go through Pat Craven's book as a group, one profile per week. It's good to do it in real life with other people - a lot less threatening.

The holidays - the life! - you've had with him have been unspeakably bad. Agony upon agony. Endless agony. He is as mad as a box of frogs. I keep saying that because it is TRUE.

Keep going, precious. This terrible time will pass xxx

My eyes are puffy from crying and I have the headache from hell.
I am up and he is asleep.
So I took photos of all his wallet contents so I have most of his cards/accounts evidence now.
The girls and I are going pony riding and for a picnic. I believe he is going to work.
I'm not remotely relaxed as I know his next grenade is due today/tonight and don't know what angle it will be.
My lovely grown up son text me and said mum dont shout. Shouting back is his aim. So don't give him that.
He's a bit clever my boy.

Freedom Prog tonight? You won't regret it. There's something about meeting with other people who know what it's like that just, well, does it. Big time.

Hope you have a good day with the kids and get to smooth your feathers xxx

That's one thing you can certainly do right: you've raised some crackin' kids :)

He's text me and ruined my morning. He's leaving. I need help. Either I have a break down and admit I am crazy jealous or he cannot stay and be 'put down and bullied'

Cannot stay to be put down and bullied... Dear Mr Pot, please meet Mrs Kettle...

I would reply along the lines of "Sorry you feel that way but perhaps that is best for now."

Where did this idea about you suspecting him of having an affair come from? Because it seemed as though he dredged that up from pretty much nowhere. As for him being put down and bullied - ahahaha! Projection or what?

I think the best thing you can do at this point is call his bluff (I'm about as sure as it's possible to be, from the outside perspective, that it is a bluff) and say you're right, let's talk about how we can separate in a civilised way with the least impact on the DC. I'm willing to bet he will backpedal within the week, if not the hour. (Unless he already has plans to leave you for an affair partner - but in that case there's not a lot you could do to change his mind, and decent low-impact splitting would still be the best way. Don't, for heaven's sake, agree to anything without good legal advice. But I doubt very much that is what's happening here. I think it's about getting you shocked and terrified so you don't even dare think about splitting.)

What, he's leaving as in leaving the house? Moving out?

My dear, this may seem devastating at the moment but it's actually a gift. It would circumvent all the mucking about it is certain he would do if you chose to leave the marriage.

However, what do you feel? In your heart of hearts, what do you want to happen? What do you want to do?

A resounding WELL DONE for getting all the financial info together btw

I don't know. I feel sick. I want things to change. I want him to STOP. I almost hope he will leave. But then. How very sad.

He does this affair thing because I get jealous. I am jealous of the phone he is always on. I am jealous of his work being so important. I am jealous of everything being better and more important than me. Yes indeed I am .do I think He's having an affair? Er no. Not at all.

These people tend to project. A lot.

Do you think it is possible that he is having an affair?

Just a thought.

One thing I have noticed with a lot of people who have suffered these relationships is this.

The abusers are often jealous themselves. Jealous of the victim, jealous of their sparkle, jealous of their empathy and compassion, sometimes so much so, that from the outside, it looks as though they actually want to BE the person they abuse. That is not based on anything but my own observations.

I would just say "yes dear", to all of his rantings and his quack diagnoses of you. They are not anything but figments of his own imagination, and projections of his own failings. Why do I think that? Because it is what abusive people do. They cannot stand these traits in themselves, so project them with everything they can muster, onto someone they hate, and they hate them because, that person already is what they want to be.

You have far more power than you realise. Everything he accuses you of is what is going on in his mind. That gives you an insight that most fortune tellers would give their right arm for. Honestly!

Your jealousy...is it jealousy? Or are you pissed off at being treated like a teddy bear, like an inanimate object?

Make no mistake, he's talking about separation now because he doesn't believe you're ready for it. And you're not, quite, are you? Pushing it now has you startled and confused, resisting the idea, panicking about the future. If you were ready, able and willing to split up he would be the one resisting. It's all in the script, honey. You even predicted yesterday that there was a grenade due, and here it is, right on cue. He's a walking cliché is what he is.