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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to fix me...

903 replies

WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 17:46

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

OP posts:
piggychops · 06/04/2015 14:35

Ignore, ignore ,ignore.
He's trying to convince you that you have a problem. The only problem you have is him.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 15:00

I absolutely doubt everything now. Am I being dramatic? Looking for issues? Sad

OP posts:
chocolatefingersandtoes · 06/04/2015 15:06

Nope. Truth is, you're very unhappy. Desperately unhappy...that's enough.

FightingFires · 06/04/2015 15:33

Re read the thread. This is part of the cycle. And he is still calling you mad! Even when he's trying to charm you he's mean to you!

If someone you didn't know treated you like this, would you think it was you? Or would you think they were a little unhinged? Not only does he know you, he is supposed to be the one that loves and cherishes you. And he does not. ITS HIM.

As for it's not anywhere near as bad as you think, no, it's worse. Us looking in can see that.

This is the hardest bit lovely, the weekend is nearly over and you'll feel a lot less helpless soon Flowers

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 15:34

He said "it's not anywhere near as bad as you think".

Well he would, wouldn't he? It's not bad for him.

I've used this one on other threads, I know, but it brings to mind the scene towards the end of the Stepford Wives, where the mad scientist is trying to persuade Katherine Ross to just give in and let herself be replaced by a robot. (Or for that matter in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, where one of the pod people is explaining to Donald Sutherland that it is so nice being them, all calm and integrated and stuff, all he has to do is give up and go to sleep and his problems will be over.) Er yeah, but the point is that the person they're talking to will be dead, so it's not an ideal solution for her. For the people looking at her, yes, it's fine, because it looks like a happy version of her. It just isn't her Hmm

Your husband would replace you with a compliant robot like a shot if you lived in Stepford. And he'd probably be able to convince himself - hell, he's nearly managed to convince you - that even you would prefer it. Just to remind you, though, the Stepford Wives is a horror story, not a manual for social relations. You are not actually supposed to identify with the mad scientist or see the husbands' point. I mean their wives were quite annoying really, all issues and hormones, so replacing them with a contented robot was perfectly understandable, right? I mean just look at her face, she's clearly happier. But she's not you.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 15:37

Er, does that make any sense to anybody or have I confused the issue further?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 15:40

It makes sense.
I feel his conversation brewing. The one where he has to hold onto my hands, crouch down and talk slowly to me. Because I'm inventing problems and over thinking.

I try very very hard to sit and picture what I'd like. A perfect life. What I want. No idea. My head sort of starts and then gives up. So maybe that means I'll never be content or happy. And I'll throw a marriage away and anything else away and STILL be unhappy. Sad

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 15:48

Oh god, that sounds so fucking patronising. Like he's talking to some very small child getting into a paddy because she is afraid she isn't going to get any ice cream. Angry

Tell me, do you actually have diagnosed MH problems? Do you go off into screaming fits and need to be talked down? If so, wouldn't it be a good idea to see the GP for help? like you tried to do the other day and then your H went off into a terrible huff about it And if not: what the actual fuck is he talking about?

PoppyField · 06/04/2015 16:13

Oh baby!
How to minimise, patronise, infantilise, and basically annoy the fuck out of me... not a good start.

Hi Wait. You are not the problem. You are not stupid. You are not mad. You are not the one throwing away the marriage, he is. It's him! He is the one who is blithely ripping up the marriage, whilst blaming it on you. What is he doing to resolve the problems? As you say, has he been to the GP yet? He's the one who ignores you, witholds affection, fucking texts you from downstairs...

You are right, you have had enough of talking, followed by shouting and then being called mad. Sounds spot-on to me. Nobody would fancy that.

He is the one being so obnoxious that you feel absolutely no desire to interact with him. Frankly, no sane person would. He needs to shape up, because it is his behaviour that is unacceptable.

Have you called him mad, have you shouted at him and bullied him in front of the children? Nah, thought not.

Stay calm, disengage and detach and make your secret plans. Just don't let him mess with your head. When you get that feeling, tell yourself consciously 'he is just trying to mess with my head', register it and then go about your business. It helps.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 17:10

I don't have any diagnosed mental health problems.
I did have depression/low self esteem and have to see a therapist to get over it. I felt amazing for a short while then. I was often out, always busy and had more friends than I do now.
I do cry easily. I hate that he says its a weak thing that people do when they are losing fights, I find I just cry and cannot help it Confused
I do take things to heart and I do care about what people think. That, I got from him. He and his family worship at the church of what people think Wink and judge and gossip more than I ever thought possible.
I took antidepressants for a short while ages ago. My therapist and GP at that time thought I was absolutely fine and basically signed me off any help -or rather; encouraged me to say I was okay when I felt it.
DH says I must have lied or missed things out as I'm not fine. I am not aware of missing things out and of course I didn't lie.
The names he calls me - I mean the 'innocent' names really bother me. I am poppet, baby darling, anything other than my name.
Infact everyone has a bloody nickname to him. I certainly jump if he says my full first name.

I don't want to invent problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 17:11

Why would I? But... Do I indeed have too much time to think? ( He says I do)

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 17:12

*HAD to see a therapist. Not have.

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 06/04/2015 17:39

Oh God...this IS SO FAMILIAR!!!!!!

Is he a qualified psychiatrist? No. In that case he has NO FUCKING RIGHT to diagnose you with anything. THE END!

Really!

One of the most useful things that someone said to me was this. Just stick to real life, provable FACTS. That means NOT his fucking opinions, which count for absolutely fuck all!

Can you tell I may be triggered? Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sorry, but this is just so awful, this kind of psychological abuse, together with emotional abuse, financial abuse, AND sexual abuse. Withholding sex can be sexual abuse. Really. He is an abuser. You are being horribly, horribly abused.

Have a bloody great big hug, and KNOW that it is not you.

pocketsaviour · 06/04/2015 17:42

Maybe you should come up with your own special condescending nickname for him. "Fuckface" springs instantly to mind, but perhaps a little too confrontational Grin

How about "Schnookie wookie"? "My iddle teddy beario"? "Foofoo fumpanickel"? "My silly widdle soldier"?

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 17:48

Far from having mental health problems, then, you have actually been diagnosed by relevant professionals as not having mental health problems. Of course you cry a lot these days. You have a lot to cry about.

queenoftheknight · 06/04/2015 17:49

I did that. The name was Bumph....He thought it was cute, but in my mind, it was the sound he would make when he hit the floor. Bwah ha ha ha haaa!

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 17:50
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 19:05

Maybe not. Lol.
I really had to double take when I read the living with a dominator.
He is none of this one. This one or this one omg perhaps it's all me not just a bit me... Oh wait. Here is his chapter. Mr head worker.
Sigh Sad

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 06/04/2015 19:26

I didn't see a lot of those "characters" for some years afterwards. Funny, I don't know why not, but I didn't. I discovered, slow;y, over time, as the fog lifted, that actually, he was all of them to some degree. :(

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 19:49

I am so STUCK.
He's singing and all jolly. He hugged me and rubbed my arm as he went by. He's quite happy and everything is great. It's just his silly wife overthinking he can get back to thinking about important things.
If I say nothing he just hugs me and expects me to be happy. If I say something he will blow up.
I could honestly go to sleep for 800 years the way I feel now.

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 06/04/2015 19:58

You have done really well today , stepping through the mirror is very hard

If I were you I would agree with him, that you ARE depressed and a bit confused. And that it would be best if you went for some therapy / counselling to sort you out .so could he give you some cash , now, to pay for it ? That might help you get back to normal , To be your happy self again

Then I'd go and congratulate myself for being such a good actress

I know you are worried that it's just you . And I'm sure you don't belive all these posters who tell that's its not you, it's him . Just keep on keeping on, finding out more information , observing his behaviour and reading / writing about things . Every day you are having new insights into yourself and your marriage, I think .

When are you going on the Freedom programme ?

StaceyAndTracey · 06/04/2015 20:02

I think you are really sad because you want him to care how you feel . And you can see that he doesn't give a flying fuck .he really doesn't .

He just wants you to do as you are told, not give him any grief and be happy when he is happy . Like any good teddy bear should

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 06/04/2015 20:24

We had a fight.
He's furious and turned it round to me being jealous
To me thinking he's having an affair
I didn't say that.
He's twisted it all.
I'm mad.
He will stand up and say I'm mad

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 06/04/2015 20:32

I'm so sorry, it sounds horrid . No wonder you are upset

Just because he says it, doesn't make It true

piggychops · 06/04/2015 20:41

He may do that. So what? You know you are not mad. Take a deep breath and keep calm
It's like a toddler throwing his toys out of the pram. He senses change and will crank up the behaviour accordingly.
Ignore and disengage.