How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

One more thing. His ridiculous, pathetic personality flips are obviously very distressing to you...I know it's not easy but you need to start a bit of self defence. This comes in the form of detachment and basically ignoring the poor behaviour. TBH, he is the one who is as mad as a box of frogs OP, he really is. Crazy, crazy behaviour. As for being the evil ex-wife and a terrible reputation in the village...you could start telling people the truth you know. They would believe you. Luckily, Emotional Abuse is more widely recognised and is now illegal, or will be shortly I believe. I know you'd hate people gossiping about you but if you and your H split they are going to gossip anyways. You might be suprised at how intuitive people can be, i bet loads of people see him for who he really is. I can't wait for the day you start to feel the rage...you have so much to be very, very angry about when it comes to your marriage. You have been very poorly treated indeed. My heart does go out to you.

"Is it me" syndrome.

I still get the odd flash of this. I have managed to get myself into a position where I have a couple of stunning friends in real life who understand "is it me" syndrome, and reassure me in the strongest of terms that it is NOT!

The best was a letter to the court from my GP, which I still read from time to time. It's an amazing letter, which calls me resilient and resourceful. When you are in one of these relationships, you bloody well HAVE to be! And I can see that in you....I really, truly can.

Keep going.

BTW, the fact that you are even asking, "is it me", strongly suggests that it is not. Does he ever, even for a second, wonder if it may be him that is responsible for problems in the marriage, even just a little teeny weeny bit?

Today he has asked if I'm ever going to talk to him? Am I not going to say good morning? He says I haven't spoken to him in days and he has given up trying.
That's not quite how it's been!!!!
But of course. Now I am the unreasonable one.
I find have nothing to say to him anyway. I am not willing to get into all this stuff with him and really cannot pass the time of day with him right now. I wish I had a video of every conversation with him. It's just so random and swings from poor him to anger.
I'm not actually trying to detach anymore I just find I am detached 90% of the time. Sort of wrapped in bubble wrap. Self protection? Or head in sand?
I feel completely grey. Not hair colour grey but grey all over. Like a washed out faded version of me.

This is a journey , a process. It won't always be like this . Read the inspiring stories down the thread, from women who used to feel just like you . Including the poster who felt so bad she tried to take her own life .

But they are not in that place any more. They fought, they survived and they have built new lives for themselves and their kids . You can do it too, it's not easy but it's possible.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad today . Do you have any RL friends you could see over the next few days ? What about your friend you saw last week ? Do you have any supportive family ?

If you diverted the child benefit , woudl you have enough to pay for couselling? You could still stay on the NHS list .

Ican't remember if you have a place on a freedom course?

When are your older kids home from uni ? When they are home, coudl you go away and visit a supportive friend for a couple of day ? Even just one overnight ?

Someone who you trust . You coudl tell your DH

" I need to go and visit jane today , she's had some health problems / test results and they think it might be cancer /need heart surgery / whatever . She's just in pieces and needs me to go over "

Woudl your DH find this plausible ? Do you have someone who you coudl confide in ?

I know that you shouldn't have to lie like this , but is suspect that you do .

I used to call these "resentment beans" and I just ended up with too many of them, they swamped everything. I could't even stand to be in the same room as him. I had nothing but pure contempt for him in the end. I used to just leave the room when he was mid sentence and simply didn't care any more. I loathed him more than I ever loathed anything or anybody.

I wouldn't even recognise him now, if I passed him in the street. I never think about him. I am delighted that my precious son has zero contact with the freak, and hope to God it stays that way.

Did you have a boyfriend, or dates when you were a teenager? Before this marriage? Or a crush on a pop star? Do you ever think about them now? Does it make you feel anything particularly?

Imagine that!

I can't even get a man I've lived and loved for over 15 years to make me a drink, or hug me or anything.

But you see, if he were a nice man you wouldn't have to "get him" to do these things. He'd do them as a matter of course. Because these are nice things to do.

Remember, the flipping is part of the script. It keeps your head spinning, that's the whole point. That's why you feel you are such an idiot you can't cope with everyday things. And the story that you have been ignoring him for days when really it's been more or less the other way round - you know it's a lie, but you're still trying to think: "could it be me?"

You know they say it takes two to tango. But what about when your partner has put on waltz music and is persisting in dancing the polka, then sneering at you because your tango is all over the place? Of course it is! That you have stepped on his toes a few times is the inevitable consequence of the confusion. Now you're standing back in bewilderment waiting for something to make sense and he's shouting at you for not dancing! If only someone would play the right music and dance the same dance as the one they claim to be teaching, you could get the steps straight and potentially even be quite good at it. As things are at the moment, no chance.

Queen .... Yes I can recall being so in love with some one I don't even think about now. I cannot imagine being that detached from DH ... Yet logic tells me I obviously thought that last time.

Ha Annie. That's me. Bewildered is a very good term.

I did some computer and paperwork searching.
I am very confused as to what I'm looking at. But!!
I have found

He has a flat he rents - I knew this. He makes £5000 approx profit on it yearly when I thought it gave him nothing by the time the maintenance insurance etc etc had gone. I know that not lots of money however...!

I found our mortgage agreement but not how much we still owe, however it's going to be close to the original figure as its only since last June.
I found who we get our electricity and gas through ( don't laugh, I wasn't sure who)
I also found the big profit loss statement paperwork for one of his companies. I don't understand but it's not at a loss. Lol.

No sign of the most profitable company - my biggest shares, paperwork.
All his computer files like quick books etc are passworded.
I know who his companies bank with and the name of the last company to do the tax returns.

I took photos of everything on my phone.
There's life insurance for both of us and another life insurance for just him ... (Why on earth would he have two?)
There is two loans for two motorbikes and numerous phone contracts.
I found my p60. Is that useful?

Everything is useful

You are doing really well

The P and L accounts are good

You didn't say he owned a flat . Has he bought it since you were married? If so, you probably own half of it

Well done ,keep going.

If you feel too shaky,you probably need to eat and drink.

The life assurance for him might be for the mortage on another property

The mortage agreement shoudl tell you the outstanding loan debt on the house ie how much equity is it it

So if the house is worth £500k ( you must know how much you paid for it ) and your mortagge is £250k, you already own half as a couple. So you , personally , own half of that ( at least ) .does that make sense ?

Don't worry if you don't understand any of the documents , just take copies anyway . There's always someone who can translate them for you

Even things like loans for motorbikes are useful because they might give bank account details . And of course, the motorbikes are a marital asset, so it's good to have a value for them .

His bikes are a marital asset??? He really won't like that!!
Yes he bought the flat several years ago. I believe he and his brother own it but there was talk about him buying his brother out. If that's happened I have no idea. One wouldn't bother the simple woman with such details...!
Of course I don't have have proof but I know he deals in cash a lot -this annoys me. He ALWAYS has money despite the family bank showing he doesn't really. Whatever he wants he finds a way to get.
and he also has two bank accounts I cannot access -the cards are in his wallet but there's no paperwork just passworded bank screens sometimes in his computer.
How'd you go about proving that in case of solicitors ..? If it's down to him supposedly being honest on a form .... He will just appear broke as quick as possible, surely?

I agree that he probably won't be honest . In an fair and honest marriage,you woudont have to be skulking around looking foR information that you are legally entitled to . You woudl already know it / have copies

Can you take a photo of his bank cards sometime ? Does he leave his wallet in his trouser pocket when he is sleeping ?

AFAIK he will have to provide bank statement for the last year . So if he suddely empties his acounts , that will be obvious . So that's why you need the details off the bank cards - So your lawyer knows what to ask for .

Not " please provide details of all bank accounts "

But " please provide details of Lloyds acount 123455678 sort code 12-34-56 and pension no . 1234567 for client no 23446 from Aviva "

That's why you are doing this detective work now, before he is suspicious and has time to hide assets . He still will of course .

If he always has cash, why don't you have enough to buy food or pay the dentist?

AFAIK , most things that you have earned or bought since you were married are martial assets . But I'm not a lawyer or an accountant

Your solicitor will be able to engage a forensic accountant who will try to ferret out the messy financial trail he is leaving. It's important that during an initial appointment you let them know that he is very deceitful about money and is likely to hide assets.

That he always has cash on hand is a BIG red flag as far as HMRC are concerned. I would bet my last penny he is tax evading in a major way. However, you don't really want to get them involved as it might impact his ability to pay enough maintenance for the kids still at home.

I know you're not at the stage yet of finding a solicitor, but bear this in mind for when you do.

Now you've got your bank account and your credit card (and very well done on that btw) can you look for a private counsellor? BACP will let you search in your local area by speciality. I would probably look for someone just under "general counselling" or "personal development". "Self esteem" might also be a good one to use. You can usually drop them an email first and ask them about their pricing, approach, etc. Remember to keep all correspondence on that Gmail account you have on your phone ;)

Womens aid will also have a list of counsellors who specialise in domestic abuse. Also a list of lawyers, the same.

Have you contacted women's aid yet? I know they're hard to get hold of - calling at night is best; or better still send them an email? With contact details and good times to call (they are VERY carefuk about phone calls, emails etc, so dont worry that they would inadvertently disclose who they are. That simply wont happen). You could write a summary, perhaps link this thread? You should get a caseworker who can meet you and go through your options with you, referring you to named professionals if that is what you want. You don't have to give your full name/address if you don't want to. Crucially, they will SUPPORT you in all ways, including emotionally. You will NOT be the only one who is experiencing this precise set of circs, they will have met many like you before. Roll on FP, it is not unlikely you could meet another woman there who is going through the exact same thing.

Btw when you posted about what you are doing to hide this thread, i felt a bit blonde! I didn't know what you were talking about, I am impressed at your expertise. I think we established way up thread that he has made you blonde, or think you're blonde. You are FAR FROM blonde, I hope you can see that. You have endured intense, sustained emotional, psychological, financial abuse (at least - there isvery probably more eg sexual ) for a very long time. It is no wonder you feel arse about tit, in a major funk.

The very fact that you're facing this down says a huge amount about what you're capable of. Yy you feel extremely confused - but you will, that's how it goes. You are effectively breaking a powerful, entrenched spell - and that is difficult work! You are doing exceptionally well, I hope you can see that. We can.

He is as mad as a box of frogs. ABSOLUTELY.

He has swapped texts with me.
I told him I'm not interested in talk then shouting then being called mad. So I don't have anything to say. That I'm booking counselling has he seen his Dr yet.
He replied
Oh baby you have so much going on In your head. it's not anywhere near as bad as you think.

Wtf.