How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Wow. Drive home from easter break has been fun.
Not.
We started him not even acknowledging me. He literally bought everyone a drink for the car except me. That was nice.
Then he didn't speak.
Then at the final service station stop he bought me a coffee. so I must exist again.
Lovely!

There was four hours between those stops!!

Was this in front of just your kids, or other people as well?

Your kids must be noticing how badly he treats you. :(

Honestly OP, he is such a KNOB! Doesn't his behaviour just turn you cold? He is so,so hideous I struggle to see why you'd even want him to be near you

It's easy to get in a car and hand out three drinks not four - I mean the kids might be overly aware.
Yes. I am becoming aware of his fuckwit behaviour. It's just roll my eyes bite my tongue right now...

Hi OP,

Bloody hell! Just read the whole thread. God he is utterly vile and it is almost heartbreaking to see how you have been blaming yourself and/or believing his ludicrous propaganda about how crazy/stupid/lazy you are.

However, you sound stronger and stronger on every page. Good on you Wait.You are being true to yourself - and you are recovering your old self, the self that he has spent the last twenty years trying to diminish. You are doing it! He has done such a job on your state of mind, it is no wonder that you will go back and forth over everything, mulling things over, wondering if you could do something different etc. But you are managing to stay on the side of sanity. Most people on this thread will have had direct experience of the horror of EA.

Really glad you have told a friend in RL. You may be astonished about how many people have been worried about you. When I started telling people, there was not one member of my friends and family who counselled against separation. Everyone could see what sort of state I was in. It was that quote from a few pages back 'Something terrible is happening to me. I just don't know what!' That's a brilliant description of the feeling of unidentifiable panic that comes over you. It's ok, that will get less. But you do have to wade through it and have a day of just coping rather than being fantastic.

Your description of the abuse is very similar to the kind of shit that was meted out to me. I remember booking an appointment with a therapist in secret. I was terrified. Looking back, it was outrageous that I felt terrified! Why should anyone be terrified of their partner finding out that they have decided to see a therapist? I was almost shaking. I wouldn't pay her by cheque or standing order because I didn't want him finding out. Around the second or third time I was due to see her, he decided to take the day off work. I didn't go. I didn't even find the courage to say I had a dentist appointment i.e. to risk a lie. I didn't feel I could risk anything. I look back and think 'I was that scared?' but I almost didn't question it. I was accustomed to being scared like that, but I was still trying to mend the marriage. I still felt I was responsible for mending the marriage. That's what he'd convinced me of. While all the time he was tearing it apart by trying to destroy me. Amazing.

He then got really cross when he got divorce papers sent to him a couple of weeks after we separated. He really didn't like that. As Corporal Jones always used to say in Dad's Army: 'They don't like it up 'em, Sir!'

Strength to you Wait. Dig in and get him out of that house. Next time he suggests spitting up, say something a bit anodyne like 'Maybe that would be for the best'. A classic 'make him think he thought of it' tactic. Don't mention divorce, don't give him exciting texts about the cycle of abuse - don't give him any ammo to start spouting theraputic language at you. Let him leave... and lock the door behind him as firmly as you can.

And see a solicitor. A tough one. Ask them if they have dealt with an abusive man before - mine was tenacious, but I think she even was surprised by my XH's capacity for hostile, obstructive behaviour. In retrospect I might have found a lawyer who would have predicted his next stupid move, or gone in hard and fast from the get-go. That would have saved a lot of pain and time.

Good luck. You are doing brilliantly. Don't be too hard on yourself if you falter a little. It is a horrible time. Gather as much RL support as you can.

p.s one of the thoughts that kept me going was my inner vow that I NEVER to had to be in a car with XH ever again. Things like that give you a sense of impending freedom. Read some Maya Angelou. 'Still I Rise' is a good one.

Still I Rise
Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

That's a beautiful bit of writing. I like it a lot.

I still feel like I'm imaging lots of it. I know I could stop it too by being nice and kind again. There's this weird feeling that I don't want to stop it. That's WEIRD for me. I take the peaceful path usually.

I'm so far from seeing a solicitor
I cannot do anything he would be aware of.
And if I began to find a solicitor how on earth do I know if they are good??!

Try phoning Women's aid (doesn't show up on the phone bill I think). They can help you organise yourself, and can often recommend local solicitors.

Yes, keep it all under your hat. I did. I went to see a solicitor once before he actually left, when he was being particularly obnoxious. I just chose someone local who I really liked. We had a few wobbles along the way, because you have to trust the person, but I did trust her so we came through the other end. It was a long haul!

I think it might be like finding a therapist! When you've got the Easter holidays out of the way, do a bit of research. Most family lawyers will give you a first half hour consultation free. Worth trying a few to see if you like them. I think it is a sense you get when you meet someone - either you like them or you don't, then they give you a run-down of their level of experience etc. and you can ask them if they have dealt in cases where they are up against an abusive ex-partner. That would help you whittle them down.

Try Googling 'Family Law Solicitors in X (wherever you live' and see what comes up. Or personal recommendations, if you have any friends that have come through divorce.

Oh for goodness sake.
I have two good things to share. And shed loads of crap things - did anyone else find some friends defaulting....to how nice Mr DH is. I'm absolutely sick of it. It's all they say. Another underlining of how I feel mad.

On a very good side of things
I spoke at length to my grown up eldest DC.
He was amazing. He said it wasn't me. Amongst other nice things. But that phrase I hang on to.
I also spoke a little to my other grown up DC. She was a bit more like what? Really? But really kind.
That's a big deal. He would go so crazy if he knew I'd spoken to anyone much less to them in particular.

That is very good news, Wait. Now you know that both your kids DON'T think you're crazy!

Yes I had friends who had only ever seen the charm side say "Oh but he's always so nice!" Don't sweat it.

It is good isn't it? That my kids -the big ones in particular, who really know DH can see I'm not the one always in the wrong.

Wait you are a superstar.

Thanks Hearts but really I'm not.
I'm a lonely lonely person going a bit crazy living in two worlds.
I am very aware I'll be the bad guy if I leave. Not to mention the town gossip and the evil evil ex.
That's really hard to think about. However shallow that sounds. ( I'm nice and I like people to like me. That's about it)
I have hardly spoken in several hours and that's pretty sad too. I like to talk and chat lol. Nobody here but he who is ignoring me. Such fun

Nobody who cares about you will slag you off. You know the truth. The rest can go boil their heads.

wait,
Maybe you won't be the town gossip. Maybe other people who like to talk have noticed things. You say your eldest DC noticed and that it wasn't you, well maybe others have too and won't be as judgey as you think. I hope this is the case.

And maybe it doesn't matter what they think anyway. I say this as someone who spends far too much of her time worrying about the opinions of others.... But maybe this, your situation, your mental health, your well being and your future matters more than some old fish wives who have nothing better to do!!!

I've read your thread todAy and just wanted to say hope much I admire you. Your posts and your voice , since you began, have changed so much. You've obviosuly leant/realised a whole lot. You come across as a lovely, lovely woman.... I hope you have the strength to keep battling your way out of this x

Aaaaah Wait you sound so lovely. You should not be lonely. You don't deserve that. You will not always be lonely, of that I am certain. Just look at the lovely person (the real you) your H is missing out on knowing, properly knowing, and being lucky enough to have the love and companionship of. What a massive wanker. I would love to be friends with someone like you. Articulate, artistic, caring, intelligent, sensitive. Your future is bright, even though it might not feel like it at the moment.

Your friends who sit and watch him criticise you for drinking a single glass of wine, they won't think you're evil.
The friends you've made over the past couple of years, when you've learned to dance and socialise again, they won't think you're evil.
Your children, who sit in the back of the car while their father shouts at you for hours, or hands them a drink and not you, they won't think you're evil.
Us. We won't think you're evil.

Do you ever think you are/ did you ever think you were wrong?
Suppose it's a lot of me? Suppose he's a nice guy that got lost along the way? Suppose mentally I am unable to form a nice respectable relationship?
Or what if now I AM the crazy cow of a partner, because of living with him? I am forever going to make bad choices and stupid reckless decisions. I can't even get a man I've lived and loved for over 15 years to make me a drink, or hug me or anything.
I can't sleep and I can't switch my head off.

I don't want to be the sad oh poor her woman. I don't understand how this all went so wrong, how I got to be the car crash instead of the lucky one/normal one/loved one. I honestly wish I wasn't here trying to deal with this, thinking I can ever stand on my own. I'm rubbish by myself, I don't understand anything about bills or mortgages or tax or ANYTHING. I'm about 12 years old when it comes to that stuff. How did I get to be so feeble, so hopeless.

In the UK, About a third of marriages end in divorce . That means that most people are either

Divorced themselves
Married to a divorcee
Have a close friend or relative who is divorced

So I wonder who these people are who are doing all that judging .

Wait - do you really think badly of everyone you know whose marriage hasn't worked out ? I admit I judge those who run off with someone else , who don't see their kids or pay maintenance. But those for who it just hasnt worked out, for those whose spouse is abusive or just a right pain in the arse ....no I don't judge them for leaving.

Mostly I think " goodness knows how she has put up with him that long"

Remember. You don't have to leave if you don't want to .

That's the point of you doing all this research .

Once you've done all your reading and counselling and detective work, you might discover that your husband is a very reasonable man who treats you well .

Your detective work might reveal that you don't have a lot of money and your husband is generous to you. When you talk to him about it, he might see the error of his ways. He might be happy to share all the money issues and financial responsibilities with you, and treat you as an equal partner in the marriage .

He might agree that you should have your full role in the companies in which you are a shareholder

He might agree that you shoudl split equally all the spare cash you have, aftre paying bills. He might be completely transparent and trust worthy about money

He might agree to go to couselling himself and look at his behaviour .

Just looking at all the information and getting the facts doesn't commit you to anything

It's the same about the couselling for you. You might work out that you want to stay because you have a good marraige and you are happy for it to continue just the way it is .

The same with the Freedom Programme . You might do it and think you have nothing in common with the other women there. That it is indeed all your fault .

Finding out information and thinking and researching doesn't commit you to anything, it really doesn't .nor does seeing a lawyer .

It's just finding out the facts and knowing what you your options are .

You are mighty wise Stacey.
I'm just struggling. I feel ill, I feel lost I feel so alone. I want to talk to everyone about it, yet I want to tell no one.

He's doing the flip between poor injured feeling man and 'sorry did someone say something? I can't see or hear you' man

When he goes out today I have to look for my list of stuff and then frankly I need to find a therapist/counsellor. I just can't do this anymore

I'm sorry you're struggling OP, I would be struggling too. You're not alone, there are many people, men and women who are going through the same thing. Don't worry about the future other than what is directly in front of you, today, it's knocking a few things off your list. And finding a therapist. As for all the big stuff, you may find that it's easier than you think, paying bills, finding a house, ect should you go down that path. For example, being a company secretary, owning a part of a few companies...if you weren't so frightened by it all, you might be a little excited by your detective work. I'd be itching to find out how much those companies are making! And how much money you're husband has stashed away! And just for your info, if you are a company director and there is 2, ie, you and your husband, only one of you needs to sign a tax return. I own a small Ltd company with my husband and I don't sign the tax returns. My DH does the books with his DM who is a book keeper so I'm pretty sure it's all above board. We are a tiny company though...not sure if that has anything to do with it.