How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

I sat this morning in our hotel room and online I opened a current account. And applied for and got a credit card.
I was quite chuffed as DH has always told me I have a bad credit rating.
Only NOW I feel really guilty. This is one of the first big things I've done behind his back. He would be furious, particularly about the credit card. Why do I feel so guilty?! He must have done hundreds of things behind my back.

One day you will look at this thread with total disbelief that this was your life. There is a term, "helicopter vision", as you take these steps, one at a time, you get a perspective that you didn't have before. It's like looking down on a type of hell.

Every step you take, every link you click, every time you re-read this thread, every piece of information....everything, gets you above it. Back to being you.

And withholding sex? It's another classic tactic, designed to make you feel as shit as he actually IS.

I don't actually intend to use this credit card. It's more 'just in case' kind of thing. I'm not thinking shopping sprees more ticket out of somewhere.

IT'S YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!

Round and round in my head is the fact he's always claimed he's not really crazy about sex. My sex drive bigger than his. How that makes me a freak.
Except... The messages to his friend about all his new hot staff and how fabulous these twenty something's are to look at.
So it's just sex with me then. I am that bad an option.

It's not my money. He earns it.
I am honestly having a crash and burn kind of day

No you are not.

It is designed to make you feel like that, so he is "one up" on you ALL the time. It makes him feel big, because he has to "feel big" because he knows he is a loser!

It is your money.

It really is.

The money, the sex, the whole shebang is all about control. Control is what drives these people. They are out of control in themselves and try to make up for it.

Have you had a look at living with the dominator, and Pat Craven's stuff....I think you have, but it is worth another look. ALL these resources are.

Getting the personal account and a card in your name is a VERY good idea.

I know it seems huge at the moment, and it is for you, but non abused women do tend to have these things without having to ask permission or worry about the consequences. queen is right, you'll look back on this thread and wonder how it all happened to you.

You really are doing amazingly and making huge strides to fix you

Good lord, you can't skimp on dental work (unless purely cosmetic), and he did say he'd pay for it. And then got in a mood so he wouldn't have to. That is abuse, pure and simple - financial and emotional. The bargain was that you would have it done and he would pay for it. What business could function on deciding not to pay an invoice because they weren't in the mood? In a normal relationship you should be able to say you need the money for groceries without expecting WW3. Does he really expect you to conjure £100 out of thin air? What happens next time you have trouble with your teeth? (Even when it is something the NHS covers it's still going to cost.) You will be putting it off again, of course. This is the idea. For anything necessary to your own comfort and wellbeing you need to go cap in hand and beg. What sort of pathetic person wants to put his own wife in that position?

As for feeling guilty for opening your own bank account - it's a really normal thing to do. Most people have bank accounts, and most of those also have credit cards. Why on earth should he be furious? What is it taking away from him, that you have these things?

And he was lying about your credit rating too. There's a surprise.

I'm currently trying to read a book about divorce and splitting up. It's a bit over my head. Maybe I'll go find the Pat Craven books.
Stay or leave was a fair book. I didn't exactly make a decision but it had some useful mind techniques and insights.

Am I in trouble about my tax return?? When are they due? Or does that vary? If one is coming up I can mention my friends doing one etc etc do I need to do anything.

Yesterday I was in trouble for getting vertigo on a sheer drop kind of cliff path because I'm such an anxious over worrying 'type' I am sure you can't help vertigo... But apparently it's types like me who get it.

Sometimes. Just sometimes. I feel like getting dressed up going out getting drunk and reckless dancing and being very very crazy. I don't.
I hardly ever have the cash to go out. But sometimes I DO think well Fuck you DH.
Other times I feel really sad. Invisible and hideous.
I have to fight to get out of that mood. And I'm super exhausted

Oh god, I hate sheer drops! I get nightmares for ages. "Types like me who get it", that is such a low blow - and as usual, completely unfair (as well as meaningless). Nothing, but nothing is allowed to pass without an excuse to put you down yet again.

If you were single you could go out and get drunk and dance as recklessly as you liked You may still not choose to do it, but you could if you wanted to. I could shag the Brigade of Guards if I wanted to (if they'd have me at my age and girth). I won't, but no bugger has the right to tell me not to. (XH used to tell me not to, a lot, when it wouldn't otherwise have crossed my mind. That, and not to let strangers hold my handbag, and to look both ways before crossing the road, because "I know what you're like". And on one memorable occasion, the correct technique for wiping my bum. Thank you for that.)

Just a thought, all this is exhausting for you, it's ok to give yourself a break and not think about it sometimes. It's a technique I learned which was 'out of mind', just put him out of your mInd, he thinks he is your keeper, don't let him be, he's ruled all your thoughts for so long it will take time and practice, but when you are going for a walk, or spending time with your kids and he's not there, don't think of him, deliberately and consciously. Just live in that moment.

I hope you have a better day xx

It's the being away with him that so hard. I have no normal parts of my usual day here, where I am not with him.

By that stage I didn't care what he thought, Wait. 'We' had had that joint account for years and I had never written a cheque or looked at the balance.

The first cheque I wrote was for £700 for the deposit on a rented house. We were about to be homeless, I had toddlers and i was heavily pg. He refused to look at properties, saying 'something will come up'. Time went on, I got more and more anxious and eventually took it into my own hands, found a house and paid the deposit. I informed him after the event, he hit the roof that I 'was meddling in things I didn't understand'. I wanted my babies safe. My hands shook as I wrote that cheque (they're shaking now just remembering it..). He cancelled the amex card - in the days he could do that.

I was on my way out, Wait. The fear had begun to slip, I started seeing him for the worm he was. I was full of contempt for him and what he had done to me. Setting you up with dental treatment - what a revolting little despot he is. Wait, he is truly vile, I hope you can see that - if not now then soon. He constantly sets you up, sets traps for you, manipulates you, scorches you with shame and derision at the slightest opportunity. It is he who is the pathetic worm, not you.

It's terribly hard, I do empathise. Detatch, detatch, detatch was my mantra. It helps with not finding the the things he says and the ways he behaves so hurtful.

One day you will laugh at his unpleasantness, I promise. (I laugh when my ExH tries to say something mean to me, but I can now he's Ex and I rarely have to deal with him. I get you can't openly do that while you are together. But you can do it in your head, as you tick your list - he already thinks you're mad so if the occasional random giggle escapes he won't be surprised )

Getting the account and the credit card is a huge step. You may not realise it, but it is huge.
It also shows you a tiny crack in his control - the fact your credit is GOOD - despite him telling you it is not.
Untangling your head from What He Says and from taking his word as gospel is one of the hardest things. Learning to think for yourself, to get answers from other sources, to not have every though and action shaped by what he would do/say.
You have posted here for advice, you have not succumbed to your usual submission in the face of him being 'nice', you are reframing everything in light of this new outlook, and you have taken a massive leap in getting this independant financial potential.
keep on stepping. one at a time.

It was a long time before I could laugh at him. I've said many times on here that it was at a WA support group for DA survivors that we laughed until we CRIED each and every meeting. Black humour I suppose. We were all in a dreadful mess, all shook so much the coffee table was awash bcs we couldnt hold our cups without trembling. It was so healing to laugh, even though we had been terrorised by monsters.

We didn't laugh at the serious stuff. We cried at that. But before long the pathetic stuff had us in gales of crying laughter. An example: when I left the slug he sent me a letter, written with his mont blanc fountain pen, advising, amongst other things, how often to turn the mattress on my bed.

I'm sorry you are so tired. Please try to look aftre yourself physically , eat healthily and do a little exercise if you can. Even just going out for a walk .

This process is very hard work , it's like training for a marathon .

Re tax return - not you are not in trouble, if One had not been submitted in your name you woudl have had a bill at the begining of February.

But it's a crucial piece of information for YOU to have.the full return will tell you your income ( salary and dividends and any interest from accounts he holds in your name ) .

And YOU need to know why you've not been seeing any of these documents . Normally you have to sign them . I don't know if you can delegate this authority to someone else and you have done so . Or if you DH has been signing them fraudulently

Even better if you can find his tax return . As well as all the other stuff .

Ours are prepared by the accountant but we still have to sign them. And they are submitted electronically but we still get a copy by email .

LOL at the mattress turning

There's nothing so trivial that they don't feel the need to control it .

Wait - do you ( as a family ) get child benefit ? Do you see it come into the joint account ? ( even if it leaves straight away, like your income )

If you don't, it's probably because your family income is too high

If you do, you can change the acount it's paid into . Just notify HMRC. But probably not now, as you are not waiting to raise suspicions

Omg. Stacey that's genius. I do get child benefit - it's how I top up grocery money! I can get that into my new account.
Pretty sure he won't notice. He doesn't think 'my' account is worth reading. Just the amount in it.

I've got my list of things to find. Even if I won't recognise half of them. So that something good to do when I can get into his computer and home office. I just need to keep busy on my little mission otherwise my head just slips and slides everywhere.
have dug out my old gmail address and have that running via an app on my phone. That way it's not in my main inbox on my computer.