How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Ha.
I am not amazing
I am often the weakest person I know. But thank you for talking to me, reading my thread and being nice. Means an awful lot

Stacey. Okay here's how dumb I am. - am I a director? Or just a shareholder? Can I be one? Or must it be both?
I'm fairly sure I'm not a director.
But then... I don't even see my phone bill so what do I know

Wait, you can find out if you're a director here:
Company Check

Type in the name of the company and find the right one, then click on the Directors link under the company details. It will show you the registered directors over the past several years.

Also, you are amazing. You're doing a LOT of work in your head and heart at the moment. If you were a weak person you would still have your head buried firmly in the sand. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and start looking forward instead of down.

You're not stupid. You trusted your husband. That's not stupid, that's normal, that's nice :)

You are so far from weak. I know you don't believe that right now, but it's true.

You are so much better than the coward and fraudster that you're married to.

You are amazing. Maybe one day you'll see it. This relationship is so far from normal. I'm really glad you've started getting real life help too.

No it doesn't have to be both. I could own shares in marks and Spencer but I'm not a director. But they are a publicly traded company

I'm guessing your business is a small private limted company ,so you will be a director and a shareholder. You said you had to sign papers for a bank account for the company - you are probably the company secretary .

Did you read the links I gave you about the duties of a company director ? It's a big deal and you need to know about it . Seriously . You have legal duties .

You said you are a shareholder , as you own 30% of one company and some of another .

You need to down load your accounts . It's costs £1 IIRC

You need to know who the other shareholders are , how much your turnover and profit are.

You need to have a good search for documents on Monday

And please check the link that Chris gave you . It cost nothing and will take you 30 secs

It will give you key financials for your companies , such as net worth, cash in the bank and total liabilities and assets .

Oops sorry it was pocket who posted the link

Wait , you are bloody awesome. You've come so far in such a short time. I'm so glad you posted.

I've read your whole thread today. I'll share my story a bit, because I left without mumsnet, but I knew a lady who left a husband in complicated circumstances and I felt if she could I could.

I'd been with my ExH for 13yrs. We'd moved countries. He was a gregarious man, very successful in his field, had friends, into his sport, many admirers and women who would apparently jump happily into my shoes. I met him when I was 22. I was thin and pretty and thought I was ace.

When I 'came to' and started detaching, I was utterly insane. I didn't know which way was up. I thought I was mad, a terrible mother, the worst wife, possibly the most useless human that had every walked the earth. It took me ages to leave, I decided in the February I was going, but it took me til August to have the strength to say so. And then I retracted for a few weeks. We finally separated in the September. We had to live together until I could get back to the UK in the December. That was the worst and best time. I was free and yet not.

I was also told I'd never see my kids again (what with being mad and all), he was going to give up his job so he didn't have to pay me, the house had been condemned so I'd get nothing... It went on and on.

4 years later, I've got a cracking divorce settlement (after 2 years of doing all the right things, ignoring his crap (there was so much crap, but learning the skill of 'I'm doing all the right things, fuck you' was priceless), a home of my own, residency of my beautiful kids, a new career, and I feel so FREE. I'm not mad, I'm bloody busy though (I also have a lovely lovely boyfriend who is the kindest, truest person I ever met, but that's waaaaaay ahead, no?)

I think you are going to be amazing. Keep posting, it's never too much, it'll be a fab diary resource later, and getting the reassurance it's not you will really help (it really isn't you).

The other thing I meant to say was how surprised I was by people when we split. They all knew he was bloody horrible to me. Wish they'd bloody said!

Well now.
I am not a director of one
And I'm a company secretary of the other

Stacey - I daren't click on your link. Am I in lots of trouble? What should I have done?

I have to say that link of company directors is a bit out of date. Not by the site but perhaps by the companies? Is it in DHs benefit to keep it out of date or something....

He was very rude to me this evening. You know those little sarky comments in front of other people., how stupid I am how I misunderstand everything. How much wine I drink.
( I drink one glass maybe twice a month. If that. But of course if I am drinking a glass in front of others it's easy to imply I drink more. Why tho?)

He puts you down in front of others because he is a complete wanker, who has a pathetic need to feel in control, because deep down he knows he is truly fucking inadequate as a man.

Rant over.

Real men would never dream of doing this.

OP, your story makes me shudder, like others I was in a frighteningly similar situation 3 years ago, had a lightbulb moment and could suddenly see the manipulation, intimidation and control, took me weeks of reading posts to even admit it to myself, weeks more of support from the fantastic mumsnetters to LTB.

I have never been more thankful and genuinely happy, yes it was bloody hard, an emotional shitty rollercoaster until the day the house sold and I closed the door on him for the last time.

I promise you that you too will get through this, and be happier beyond belief.

Can I shout " bingo " on the company secretary ?

My company is on that link and the last information is showing at 2013. All our submissions to companies house are uo to date, so I assume it's the website that's not updating them

Wait - did you see the financials on you companies ?

Has your Dh built up all these companies since you married ? If so, then his share of them will be probably be seen as a martial asset . As will yours of course

All those people that listen to him snarking at you think he's an arsehole and wonder why you put up with it.

They probably think his dick must be made of gold (stolen from AF and SGB I think, but they're awesome & won't mind )

What fighting fires said . I would be thinking that I'd need more than one glass of wine to put up with him .

I'm not recommending this - of course I'm not, as if - but when I discovered the £kkkk in our 'joint' bank account - while I had been starving and wearing rags - i went on a little spend. Quite a big spend, actually: a few sofas, LOTS of clothes, light fittings, beauty treatments... many, many pairs of shoes iirc. I bought loads and loads of stuff - essentials as well as nice stuff. It felt gooooood.

If it makes you feel any better, the joint account was with a private bank. I had the cheque book (back in the day, remember) in my bag but I was forbidden to use it. Did he actually forbid me? Well, no. I'm sure you know what I mean. Anyway, I went into the bank and I was literally quaking with fear when I asked for the balance. As a result of that little bit of crucial info i went on my shopping spree, using my amex gold card that had also preciously gathered dust in my handbag. For years.

Moral of my story: get a therapist by whatever means. I should.

I can assure you
On the times there's been any sex - withholding sex is his specialty sadly :( -ask and Ye shall be so mortified at the no Ye won't ask again too often- it's been nice enough but not gold in the slightest.
The charm is the draw. He's so good at making you feel a billion dollars and so special.
Or he was
Or he is but not me any more.
Either way he's also talented at not even being in the room and me lying awake feeling awful. Truly awful. Hating every single person he DOES turn the charm on for because I want to feel that again.

I note the bank we use for four of his accounts and 'my' joint account is often fairly empty.
He always has money tho. I'm lying here feeling quite sick as I know there's two bills I have coming up and unless I jump through some amazing hoops I don't have the cash.
I could ask for some. But that you're so shit with money lecture is no fun to sit through.
He's feeling ill. Has flu or something. So might not go out Monday then I assume?

Springy
You were frightened and you still did it? I'm not brave enough to. He'd kill me. He literally scream and shout and God I don't know what.
What happened afterwards for you?

Stacey yes. He's def built these up since we were married. But I have no doubt he'd tell everyone I was a millstone around his neck not a help.

Ages ago he suggested we get divorced. for tax reasons. He was not moving out nor was I. He said his parents had once done it. Transferred everything to the wife. Then remarried and kept it all quiet.
I was horrified and really hurt. And refused. Now I suppose I should have done it. But it was the weirdest least sentimental thing I have ever been asked.

His Parents actually did that ? That's seriously weird . Some people might speculate that he had a very disturbed childhood. But not me, because I'm not interetsed in analysing him . He can get his own cousellor / therapist / Mumsnet thread

I'm only intereted in you and how you think / feel / want .

I wouldn't worry what you think he will tell people / his lawyer / the courts aftre the divorce . They all say their wife was useless and they did everything, she was a psycho / unfaithful / a drinker . It's part of the script .

I also note that for someone who doesn't have a lot of money, he spends a lot of time avoiding income tax . Seems odd .

You do realise, don't you, that's people who have done lots of stuff to avoid tax ( legal but you can get caught out if you don't do it properly ) and evade tax ( illegal ) don't usually like going to court and disclosing it all ?

Eg if HMRC find out that he has been paying you a salary from the business when you have never stopped over the door, they will count it a him income and he will have to pay tax and NI on it . Probably at the higher rate

It's rather damning that he paid it into your account for half an hour then transferred it . So never even your money, even if you had earned it . And you have bank records showing this . Bank records on a joimt account . You can show how much your " allowance " was each month .

And this is a very minor transgression. I'm worried about other things like the lack of a tax return , perhaps he is fraudulently submitting it in your name ?

Ho hum

Sorry
Count it as his income

To find if you are a director, go to the Companies House website. Click on "find company information". You do a search for your company, then you can "Order information for this company". One of the choices is Current Appointments Report, which is free. It downloads in Word.

You can also get other information, which costs £1 per document. The accounts will be abbreviated accounts, so give only a balance sheet. This will tell you the assets and liabilities of the company, and you can work out last year's profit or loss.

To find out about last year's tax return, call HMRC, and ask for a copy of your SA302. This lists your income from employment, dividends, etc, but doesn't give details of where they came from. It's a start, though. (You can go back a number of years, but I'm not sure how many; usually people only need 3, for proof of income for a mortgage.) The number is 0300 200 3310.

No, I don't think you should have agreed to getting divorced for tax reasons at the time. I can think of at least a couple of ways in which it could have put you in a much weaker position - not least if he sort of hadn't got round to the re-marrying bit. Divorce now is a much better idea!

These bills coming up: they're household bills, right? Bills for the home you both live in, that one of you pays for and the other organises? And it's going to be your fault that the "allowance" he pays you isn't enough to cover them? (I put "allowance" in quotes because if it is for household expenses it is not spending money for you! Self-evident, surely? To me, yes. To you, maybe. To him - does not compute ).

You do seem to be beginning to see how this is all kinds of wrong, which is a step in the right direction but kind of paralysing at the same time. Some excellent practical advice from StaceyAndTracey on practical steps - one at a time, just as you're doing.

Just to point out btw, my ex largely was useless but he still got half of everything, because that's what the law says. Divorce courts in general just don't have the time or for that matter the expertise to dig into whether the SAHP loaded the dishwasher properly. It's about how to divide the assets of the marriage fairly, with the interests of the children foremost.

The bills well I'll give you an example - I needed some dental work. It was expensive and not covered on nhs. I put it off. He was in a nice mood one day and said no go on book it. 'We will sort it' - meaning he will pay.
Come the first appointment he did indeed pay the first part.
Come the second appointment tho he was not talking to me. I had to pay £100 that day. He wouldn't let me even speak to him. So I took it from the allotted months groceries money.
Now that's down £100 and means I will not get to the end of the month with enough for groceries.
Once he was talking to me again I told him. He nodded but made no arrangements to put the £100 back.
You can bet I will be in trouble for not having enough for groceries all month.
I'm kinda damned if I do, damned if I don't.