How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

It isn't you, it is him. You are NOT a teddy bear, you are a human being. He hasn't got the skills to have a close relationship with another human being, and there is NOTHING you can do about that.

He doesn't have to relate to any of those other people on an intimate basis. He doesn't have to think about them, their needs, anything.

He never learned, in childhood, how to do it, how to relate on an intimate level. HE didn't.

Yes, that's a point, the teddy bear analogy is not supposed to describe what you are, but's what he sees/treats you as. Really you do have your own feelings, and are entitled to kindness and empathy regardless of whether you're always right or often wrong or a bit annoying. (You're not annoying us btw. I mean in theory.)

Btw the second paragraph of my previous post was all over the place, it was meant to read more like this:

Also, it's easy for him to be funny and chatty for a little while with people he doesn't see very often. Behind closed doors it's a different story and he can't, or doesn't have to, pretend to be nice all the time. If anyone else told you they were in this situation, if it was a friend, heaven forbid it was your daughter, you'd know what the truth was. As it's happening to you, though, you can't see the deep dark wood for the trees you're surrounded by.

I can't begin to tell you, by the way, how nearly I walked out of the DCs' lives because I thought I was the one causing the problems. They have since all, separately, said to me either in these exact words (two of them) or by implication (the other two), "I'm glad you are my mother". Pretty much anything a parent goes through is worth it to hear that from one's big, independent, cynical, adult offspring

"but's"?

Thank you.

It's a heavy weight this weekend to carry round the label of 'problem'. I would answer him back I would fight my corner but not in front of the others who don't need to hear it.
I look at my kids and think if I leave this man, uproot our lives and alter every thing, I am going to make you cry. That makes me feel terrible.
I ache all over like I've done some great work out.

When you say " uproot our lives" , do you mean that you and your younger children would move house ? Usually the parent who has the kids is the one who stays. How old are your kids ?

Or do you mean just the upheaval of splitting up ?

I imagine we'd have to move? I have no idea how things get divided but I suppose half the house would be his and I'd not afford to keep it?

My kids are ...two have left home
Two are still at home age 10 and 12

I thought it was all me, and I was the problem. I really believed it, and took a massive overdose, I truly deeply in my heart believed that they would all be better off without this mad woman and terrible mother, and evil human being.

When I woke up in hospital the next morning, throwing up over and over, in between throwing up, I sobbed and sobbed at the fact that I couldn't even do that. I was so disappointed to still be alive.

Strangely enough, the psyche people who saw me, didn't seem to think I had anything wrong with ME! Despite what I had done and why I was there. Now that fried my brains, I can tell you!

Please STOP thinking it's you. Please. It is not you! It isn't you, it just so is not you!!!!!!!!!

My kids are amazing. They are happy, healthy, well adjusted young people who respect and love me. Really. It's brilliant. It is SO much easier than living with an abuser.

The weight that lifted from them was visible, pretty much from day one.

You may well be able to stay in the house until the youngest is out of uni. So another ? 12 years .

That's why you need to know how big your mortgage is, how much equity you have ,how much you get from the companies you own etc

Say your house is worth £500k and you have no mortgage .

Say the court gives you 50% , so he gets £250k . But he's doesn't get that now , because he has enough money to house himself elsewhere in the meantime . He perhaps gets it in 12 years , when you might have to sell .

Meanwhile....you have ( let's guess ) 30% of a business that made £200k last year and the board decided to pay dividends of £180 k . So you have an income of £60 k

Same with the other business

That's your own income . It's not what your DH is paying you - it's not salary from your job. He can't pay himself dividends and not pay you, unless you own a different class of shares . Or you sign a waiver .

On top of that , your Dh will have to pay maintainanve to you for thekids who live with you full time and the older ones who live there part time

You might get half of all the money in the various bank accounts and half of the pensions, assuming that they have all been built up during your marriage. But you need to find the money first - that's where The detective work comes in .

Of course, if you decide to separate , you will be able to access the company busniess bank accounts and see where all the payments have been made

Of course I'm making up all these figures and it's based on many assumptions which may not be true in your case.

If you had an income of £60k plus maintenance plus half of the savings and pensions - could you afford to stay in your house ?

Queen - I'm so sorry to hear of what you have been through and glad that you have emerged so strong .

OP, it amazes me how readily you seem to take all the blame for his twattish ways and declare yourself as "the problem". If you were such a nightmare he would have left you ages ago. Truth is, everyone is responsible for their behaviour. He is responsible for how he treats you. You are responsible for how you treat others. He chooses to be horrible to you because
1-He's horrible( most likely explaination)
2- He has no respect for you
3-He can
YOu need to stop being emotionally responsible for this man child! And I bet you a million dollars your family see it and hate it

I got to keep the house until the youngest finishes his first degree. Still not there yet. It's been over 20 years.

I went interest-only on my mortgage aeons ago which is handy as ex gets his percentage from the equity, not the sale price- to keep my outgoings low so I could manage. Is there a mortgage on the family home or do you own it outright?

Stacey is right, you need to do as much detective work as possible. You are in a strong position legally because you have facilitated the business/es for decades BUT because he is self-employed he can make a lot of it vanish, so you must find out NOW as much as you possibly can before you make any announcements/changes. I bet my house (or what I own of it) he'll suddenly and mysteriously look impoverished on paper if you choose to leave the marriage. He is a financial abuser, after all.

I learnt all that^ the hard way and got a very bad settlement because of his mysteriously vanished assets. But I still got the house for over 20 years to bring up my kids. And this was back in the day before assets were divided 50/50 - unheard of back then.

Stacey - I'm sure it's nowhere near that much. And I know the minute he gets wind of any of thought I am leaving he would stop my wages or dividends so by the time it got to a solicitor asking he would as springy notes make sure I'd be nothing share holder wise or wage wise

I'm beginning to see I might not get 'nothing' but I know he with his super business brain ( even I know tax man would have a field day with him if he knew) and his bamboozling words would make damn sure I had as little as possible.

I really need a list of what I must find out.
A big chunk of me wants to say something to him as this is so horrible. I hear you that that's not good but I confess to feeling like I need to. Or knowing the second we are home he will go off at me about being so distant this weekend.
So, what details do I need?

Stacey :( I don't know exactly what it costs to live in our house. How bad is that? We have a mortgage yes. We've only been there a year. It's not interest only, and the payment is approx £950 a month.

He is being particularly chilly and aloof. Everything I say is scoffed at and he goes out of his way to not touch me or be near me. -we have next to each other hotel rooms on this trip and are each in with one kid, I am glad about this as i have a refuge.
He's on his phone texting a lot. Laughing at something a lot. Planning his day out bike riding on Monday with his friend.
I am sat here at 6.20am feeling sick and anxious and pretty unstable. It's a whole other world being me compared to him.

He can stop your wages straight away , as you don't really work there . It's just a device to avoid tax and is dodgy

He can't just stop your dividend payments, because you get them as a shareholder of the company. He'd need to get the board to agree to not pay a dividend. Or some Articles Of association allow the board to sack another shareholder ( ours do ) but that's quite unusual . And I'm pretty sure that woudl count as hiding assets .

Id be suprised if he's self employed , I think he will be be getting a salary and dividends from the companies , that's the most tax efficient way to do it . However I'm not saying he won't do his best to bugger it up if you divorce. He can resign if he wants.

You really need to see the co monay documents to see how many shares you own and if it's enough to block certain resolutions .

That's why you need to get all these things now , if you possibly can. You need to know all the stuff I mentioned befroe , who are the other directors , shareholding etc . Have your got a copy of the acounts online ? Do you have copies of the mortgage statement

That's great he's going out all day on momday. Less hassle for you and more time for detective work . Do you know the password for His computer and How to delete history ?

There must be paperwork In your house , it's wont be all at the office or online

Tax returns
Bank statements
Insurance and pension statements
mortgage statement
Deeds for the house
Utility bills
Management accounts for the companies
Minutes of board meetings
Documents for cars

If you don't have a photocopier at home, photograph them. Do you have online storage for your phone ( in case you lose it ) ? You need to keep copies elsewhere . Does your DH hold your phone contract ?

Say nothing to Dh about this. It's not just " not good " , it's foolhardy . Especially if you think he will hide assets . You need to plan this very very carefuly. I'm sorry to be so bossy , but it's not just about you and your feelings - it's about the childrens welfare . If he leaves you with little , it will affect them very badly . He will probably use his greater resources to try to get them to live with him - money is about power and control to him .

You need to play the long game here . I suspect you wil need to get a lawyer and an accountant and turn up unannonced at your companies registered premises to see documents . But I'm neither a lawyer nor an accountant , you will need to consult them.

How are you getting on with finding counselling for yourself ?

Have you any idea how disruptive it is to a small business to have an investigation from HMRC? it's a nightmare . Even if they find nothing and you have nothing extra to pay, it costs a fortune in terms of staff time . And the acountants fees .

Just sayin..........

Legal duties of a director and misconduct

www.franciswilksandjones.co.uk/site/fwjsays/faq_booklets/what_constitutes_misconduct_part1_faq.html

You will see they offer free telephone advice

I know this is scary reading, but you need to know it now so you can do something about it . Otherwise your DH may use it against you later

Remember - if the worst come to the worst and you are disqualified as a director, it probably won't harm you at all . But it may harm your DH a great deal .

Being disqualified as a director doesn't affect your shareholding BTW.

Sorry, I meant that if your DH is disqualified as a director , it will harm him . So I'm guessing that he wouldn't want certain things to come out in court . Which might encourage him to reach a settlement .

Just sayin.....

Ha. Stacey I instantly looked that up and indeed there's a 'grass them up' form on gov.uk. I haven't. And I might never. But....

The long game might kill me.
Last night he's not talking to me even slightly and is very off. This morning? He's all hey give me a hug and how are you etc etc
My head spins from the good guy bad guy routine -and I realise that's the point.
It helps to have some kind of action to do, things to sort out. Hence the list. I'll do that monday if he's out or at least begin it.

The free counselling cannot begin til may. They are over full. A No surprise NHS moment. I wonder about taking out a credit card to pay for the counselling/therapy. He would go absolutely ape if he knew I did that but I do think I might at least try. Can't wait til may.

The reason I shared some of my story with you is because, even in the hospital, with the psyche team, NO ONE thought there was anything wrong with me, and NO ONE questioned my abilities as a mother. They said that I was responding in a NORMAL way to the level of abuse I was dealing with.

No one could have picked me up and removed me, I had to do that....but the point is, they all knew what was REALLY going on. Just as people here can see for you.

Yes....HMRC investigations can be really, really awful. Some people pay their accountants an insurance premium against such an eventuality, they are SO awful. Just saying too......

Queen
That's amazing. You're amazing. I hope you realise I hang on to everything proving this times can be got through. You and other 'BTDT' posters are my inspiration and shred of sanity.

Good. You are amazing too. Really you are, to survive this bizarre altered reality he contsructs, takes the strength of a true superhero. You.

Wait - this is a long game

Keep your gunpowder dry . Knowledge is power .

Meantime, do not get sucked into his behaviour . Just note what he's doing , inside your head and emotionaly detach from him . Just observe him .

This has stopped being all about him . Your life needs to be about you now, you and your kids . What YOU want and what's best for you . Yes I know you want him to change so everything can be Lovely but I think you know that's not going to happen.

Queen gives great advice . As well as generously sharing her very traumatic story .

Wait - hope you are ok

Can I be blunt here ? You have completely failed to act in your legal duties as a company director. This is bad

However, your accountant has colluded in this. This is bad for him, I'm fairly sure that you coudl report him to his professional body . He might get disqualified. That would be a shame . So much better if you and he could sort out the problem now , without it coming to that .

Can you post another thread on Mumsnet asking about this question specifically ?

Because a good outcome for you would be if the accountant could see the error of his ways . Realise that he is hired by The company ( not your DH ) and that he shoudl fulfil his professiocal duties to all the directors . And give you all the information you are legally entitled to . Now .

I'm still puzzled by the lack of tax return

Wait, I have just read the whole thread. You really are amazing. The things you've got your head around in a matter of weeks took me years

With the finances and who would get what you need some real legal advice.

It's not the case that just because some things are in your name and some things are in his, that is who owns them. You are married. You have been together a long time. You have stayed home with the children which has meant he could build up the businesses.

Everything you own, your car, his car, his pension, your pension, the three businesses, any and all savings, everything owned by both of you, is one big pot that you both own. If you were going for a complete 50/50 split then that would mean half the house, but also half the businesses etc.

You may find you end up getting more of the house in exchange for him keeping more of his business. But you really need a solicitor to tell you where you really stand. And a kick ass one at that.

Hearing you describe your arguments makes me so sad. Hearing him use the fact you've needed counselling in the past to call you mad makes me so sad.

Dh (who is a very different man to XH), when told I thought I might need counselling, not only encouraged me to go to my gp, said we could pay to go privately if that's what I wanted. He even came home and picked me up to take me to my second appointment, because my car had broken down and I wouldhave missed it. When I've said to him that I think I might be mad, he's the one who reassures me that I'm just still hurting about things XH did, and that I am not to blame and that my response is normal.

I don't need him to tell me he loves me (although he does that too), because every action says he does.

Just keep watching actions and don't listen to words. That's what helped me see the truth.

The DCs are so much happier after leaving XH.

You're doing so well