How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

-yes hmmm, that's the thing isn't it? The person or type he wants me to be is always changing so I always get it wrong.

Thank you Gibbs :). He's been at work so far

Oh cross post.

Sulking you can deal with; ignore, ignore, ignore. A positive is that while he's busy sulking it gives you time to read and think about want you want.

I wish I wasn't me today.
Thank goodness for mumsnet and its lighthearted threads and very real deep threads. Trying to get my head to work on thinking about anything else than my world.

Everyone needs and deserves a little escapism, a release from the RL grind. AIBU anyone?

You are not alone.

My first thought waking up today is I CANT DO THIS SILENT TREATMENT ANY MORE!!! I literally want to scream. I am so lonely have to carry on and get up and do al the usual things with DCs. Nod and smile at people. Etc etc. I honestly think he's driven me really looney bin mad.

And all this in response to you saying you'd gone to the GP for some counselling! Did you tell him you were going there to have a jolly good moan about him? Else why would he assume that's what it was all about?

Ironically, this furious withdrawal he's doing to make you change your mind (which is really quite an extreme reaction, not rational at all, hiding under the bedclothes wtf?) is actually proving how much you need that counselling.

Not sure how to put this, it sounds a bit peculiar however I try to phrase it, but let's have a go:

You, your DCs and everyone you are going to nod and smile at today are all whole people with their own minds, personalities, concerns. Your H (so totally not DH) is doing this stuff in response to what's going on in his own mind, but he is only one person. It feels to you from your close perspective as though he has tainted the whole world, but actually he has only tainted a very small area immediately around himself, which unfortunately you currently live in. Meanwhile the rest of humanity goes on its merry way not even aware that this weird man is throwing a paddy over nothing very much. If you can get outside for a bit and interact with other people, some of whom probably do have problems but they will be different problems, you may be able to gain a wider perspective and think "You know what? Life goes on". There's an awful lot of, dare I say, normality going on outside the hothouse of weirdness your H has created to keep you in. Please try to experience some of it today!

Today you need to get out the house. Being away from H will make you stronger. You need to detach; his feelings are not yours.

Run the DC to all activities, but do not go back in between. Can you take the DC out for lunch? Then take them shopping for something they need?

Did he go out last night? What happened?

Great post, Annie!

How about you silent treatment him right back? It's just an idea but, unfortunately, when there are kids in the house we are held to ransom somewhat. Not that the abuser gives a fuck about the kids

Can you arrange together to go out for a long drive somewhere maybe to a country restaurant? I find lonnnnnng drives are the only way to get any conversation of any quality out of DH as mostly too busy/ tired after working long hours

It's rubbish. I hope you find a solution

Sorry OP ignore my last message, I didn't get to read rest of thread as baby started crying - my post was flippant and sticking plaster advice. Apologies

It's okay 123,
I find I'm avoiding being alone with him too much.
He did not go out last night. Got crosser and crosser. His phone beeped a lot. It will be my fault he didn't go -even tho he was very welcome to do as he wished.
This can't go on. Something has to break

He says you are mad. He says sort yourself out. Then you get a counsellor and now that's the wrong thing to do? His reaction is pathetic and the idea of you seeing a counsellor, seeking help, threatens him and his influence on you. He is now in fear. In fear that your therapy is going to change you, is going to free you, is going to stop your dependence on him. Gosh, if the therapy helps you get strong enough you might even leave him! Then who would he bully?

And he's punishing you, using well-worn (and previously successful) tactics to get you back in your BOX. Where he can taunt you, shout at you, verbally lash you, ridicule you etc etc etc.

What a very small person he is to do that to you.

Remember, he is the one who is dependant on you. NOT the other way around.

That isn't healthy. Do not feel sorry for him. He is a grown up. You are capable of arranging counselling....so is he.

Wow op you've come such a long way in such a short time, you are brilliant. Took me years and I so wish I'd posted here about it, I thought it was my fault so I didnt

Your posts bring back so many memories of my ex's moods being the thing that we all had to tiptoe around. I'd look around the house before he was due home to see if there was anything he'd complain about. He'd come in and if there was a cup or spoon out, he'd bang and crash about in the kitchen. Especially if I had friends round - it was their cue to go

He's still the same btw. I kicked him out 10 years ago though. I went back to being me

I used to get a daily appraisal of my personality faults - he used to try to do this even after we split up, til one day I realised that I didn't have to 'change' to please him anymore. So I told him that. I'm happy being me

OP I'm just checking in, you've not posted for a few days.

How was your weekend? Are you OK?

I expect you'd had enough and wanted to shut it all down for a few days! Don't blame you.

Hope you're ok, though, and on track for the FP tomorrow...

How are you feeling, OP? Hope you're ok and thinking of you

Hi OP I've been lurking on this without having anything constructive to add, but I just wanted to second what someone said earlier...

Remember, he is the one who is dependant on you. NOT the other way around.

That isn't healthy. Do not feel sorry for him. He is a grown up

THIS!

Just keep reminding yourself, all this headfuckery, this bollocks, putting you down, messing with your head, it is because HE CANT COPE WITH REAL LIFE

It isn't that he thinks you are pathetic and weak (he'd just leave, and find someone he liked) it is that he is so fucked in the head, so pathetic and weak he CANNOT FUNCTION without making someone's life hell. Projecting all the things he secretly really thinks about himself onto some sacrificial Dorian Grey. He picked lucky 'ol you. Luckily, you can start to Choose Life and leave him to melt in this own shite.

Good luck OP, you really do sound awesome. So articulate and so strong. You can do this.

She'll be back I think, she's got a lot to process. You don't get to throw off a lifetime's conditioning in a couple of days.

leave him to melt in his own shite

Hahahaha you gotta laugh! Great post Winter.

I'm not being flippant. Laughing at this shit is such a great way to healing.

Cheers springy

Finding a way to Laugh at fucking desperate awful situations coupled with some heavy duty therapy and a healthy dose of mumsnet ( have namechanged recently) has pulled me through my own personal hell over the past year or so.

I try to pass some of the good stuff I got from here on to others where I can :)

Hey ladies. I'm sorry. I shut down for a bit. Still very confused. I wasn't strong or brave enough to go to the freedom programme. I'm sorry I should have but... I can't. I am still on the list for free therapy and fully intend to do that.
Some stuff I managed to talk about with DH and he did hear a bit -as in really hear. I think this thread enables me to see a large insight into a lot of his behaviour. He's not all bad or constantly bullying but yes I see a lot of him in all this.

I feel a bit of a failure actually. Because I'm not leaving nor planning to. I just need to build myself a little before I do or don't do anything.