How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Oh love, the FP is completely unthreatening, like meeting women at a WI tea afternoon! You can come and go, the facilitators are very sensitive, entirely let you set the pace.. My concern is you will get isolated with this very difficult new information. Very very hard to bear this alone.

Anyway, really glad to hear from you, well done for coming back. I know from my own experience that all this isn't at all easy xx

He's gone absolutely nuts tonight. I told him about the cycle of abuse I think he does. He says he's leaving. I am car less it's at the garage tonight and will be really stuck tomorrow. He knows this of course. He says it's my fault he gets so angry and my behaviour is atrocious. What do I do now.

Every single fibre of my being wants to run away. I write this down so I don't completely explode with bottling it up but you really can stop reading. I came upstairs to find he hadn't packed but was sat waiting for me. Then he started asking me if I felt I had 'relapsed' to being depressed (which he means unstable/mad) and that can I not see I'm difficult and behaving atrociously. He refuses to hear of emotional abuse and says I bully him and shout at him. He was doing the 'telling me off' thing. The one where I think I really am going mad.

He is emotionally abusing you, it is psychological. He will try all the things that have worked in the past and be angry that they are not working. He will then try other tactics until he thinks he is back in control.

Stay strong. You need to hunt around in the back of the deepest darkest parts of your mind and grab your backbone. Once you find it it'll start growing on you and you will be able to deal with this; you'll start to believe in yourself.

This is not you - you are not crazy. This is him being emotionally and psychologically abusive - how low can a man stoop to accuse someone of being mentally unstable for standing up for themselves?

If you can get out of there and go to a friends or family then do - even if you don't want to tell them about it straight away. Get yourself somewhere you feel safe and where he can't try to confuse you with his poisonous words

I cant. I have no car tonight and I have two kids in bed. I thought he was leaving? apparently not just sat down with his beer. I've got two quite harsh texts from him ( yes whilst downstairs from me!!) I answered them and ended with good night so hope that will stop those tonight. I have asked for couple counselling again despite it being 'all me'. He says I'm emotionally abusing him and he's only reacting to my behaviour. I swear I'm not or certainly not intentionally.

Did you all know he wouldn't really leave? I thought he was packing... That was just a threat/bluff wasn't it?

Wait, when you are ready give the Freedom Programme another go.
And keep posting.
You are brave and strong.
Remember that being brave doesn't mean 'not feeling fear'. It means 'feeling the fear but doing it anyway'.

You were supposed to weep and throw your arms around his knees, I think. As you didn't, his grand leaving was rather spoiled, so he stopped bothering with it.

If he did leave over a row like this it would only be overnight. He can't risk giving you time and space to start thinking for yourself. He has to keep you on the back foot, with your brain rattling around in your head. Your attempts to call him on the abuse must be deflected and preferably punished. Can't have the little woman getting ideas now, can we? That's what this is all about.

No, not couples counselling. I can't say that strongly enough. As hard as it is to accept, he will NEVER accept the truth. No matter how obvious the evidence, how remarkably accurate the examples you present to him. He would use counselling to abuse you further - and because of the context it would be truly devastating.

I do wish he had been packing! And buggered off.

This is crazy. I feel like ground hog day -two weeks ago I was in this 'he is sulking I am on edge in limbo' void and now here I am again. I dread what he is pulling out this time to ' tell me off'. In the past he has called my mother down and made her listen to how unreasonable I am, he's called his mother - she already knew of course how crazy I am, he's sent me newspaper links to crazy women in the press, he's left me stranded at home, or out somewhere. He's vaguely mentioned it in Facebook posts, ETC ETC.

I do take it all and do my best to answer back and stand up for myself but it's pretty gruesome to be facing, you know.
Ironically he has no idea he is now often following a pattern or that the books you've linked me to say exactly what he is about to do.
Each time he ticks a box I find it harder to ignore.
Wish I was brave. (Wish I was cherished) But as I'm neither I guess I just keep on keeping on.

Why? You're not in the middle east where you really are imprisoned. You're in the west, you are free to 'walk' where you choose. I can't see why you would choose to continue walking in this ??

Actually, if you weren't brave you'd have run off screaming long ago, and if you weren't stable you would have been carried off screaming long ago. You shouldn't expect yourself to be stronger or braver than everyone else, that isn't fair; but from where I, for one, am standing you are quite as much of both as any normal person should be. You're just under unnatural pressure that would confuse and upset anyone. The reason these techniques are so common that there are books written about them is because they work. But once you've seen them for what they are they become a lot less effective.

Do watch the film Gaslight (whence the term gaslighting originates) some time if you get the chance. It was made long before either of you (or I!) were born, but I think it may ring some bells.

Wait

His behaviour is crazy- not you

Calling your mother about your behaviour is unreasonable. (really???!!!)

Recruiting his mother/your mother/ newspaper evidence/ Facebook "friends" is ridiculous.

• you may believe that none of us really know him...that, actually he's lovely and you're just giving one side of the story.
• you may have a fear in your head, that actually, "I am unreasonable/stupid/worthless/a drama queen".
• you wonder, what if he's right?
• you may think..."well, I didn't go to the FP, so I am useless after all"
• you may think "these random strangers on t'internet can't know what he/I am really like...so I can't trust them"

I know that I can relate to any of those ideas- I experienced it.
I have been the person who believed that I really was that awful, and that if he left, no-one would ever cherish me because I am not cherishable.

You are brave to keep going.
You are worthy of being cherished...you are just with someone who does not have it in him to do so..... and it is not your job to fix or teach him.

Redoubtable -that's Astounding. Those are each and every thought in my head.

Astounding?

How about...reassuring?

You are not the first person to be in this position. I and the others on this thread are responding from a position of having been where you are, understanding your fear and wanting the best for you.

WWO don't ever worry about anything like "letting us down" on MN, we are here for support and we all know how difficult it is to leave an abuser.

The mind games he is playing with you are deliberately designed (don't ever think it's an accident) to further make you question yourself so he can put you right back under his thumb where he thinks you should be.

The fact that he reacted so aggressively to you calling out his behaviour as abusive, is in itself evidence that he's an abuser, and he knows it.

Think about it - if he had come to you and said, you're bullying me, you're abusive, you're making me feel miserable and afraid - what would be your reaction? Well we already know that don't we, because he did! (Again it's a totally expected tactic from an abuser!)

Your reaction was, oh no, maybe he's right and I'm abusive, I'm so horrible and mean to him! Even though you know it's not the case, you still wonder if you're in the wrong. Because that's what normal people do when their partner says "You're hurting me with this behaviour".

He doesn't react like that because he's an abuser. You have challenged his version of reality and that's why he chucked a tantrum.

So now you know that you have tried to explain how his behaviour is unacceptable, and you have seen that he will never accept the truth. Can you hang on to that, and remind yourself that you tried? Because you will wobble again in the future, you will think "Ohhh, I should have given him more chances." Well, you gave him enough chances. In fact he's had 20+ years of chances. So fuck that!

So. What to do now? You still are waiting for the counselling via the GP, that's good. Did you know that you can do the Freedom Programme online? If you can't bring yourself to go in person, I think that would be a really good step for you.

Can you make plans to do something nice for yourself today or tomorrow, or at the weekend? go out for a long walk, to dinner with your kids or a friend? Maybe a friend could come and get you, if your car is still in the garage?

By the way, his next cycle will probably be to swing back to nice again, when he sees that his threats of leaving haven't worked.

I didn't mention FP online bcs it can be isolating to face difficult info alone. As much as talking about it online, to us, and researching online can be helpful there is nothing like RL encounters to make real what you are facing. Meeting others really does give one strength. Reading about it, therefore recognising it, can add to the distress. I've seen it on here and sometimes doing it online just gets you more in a pickle.

I am sorry i am blatantly pushing this... butvif you can make contact with the organiser to give a heads up that you are finding it difficult to take that step, she will help and support you in that. Eg she could meet you separately from the group; you could go to the venue without going in, she could meet you outside, even for a quick hello - you don't have to go in; you could go to the group with her and stay for initial hot drink and chat before session starts... you can leave at any time, go home, go back in, leave multiple times etc. Everyone understands, you can do what suits you, what you are comfortable with xx

This is SO HARD. You'd think it was so easy- nice guy stay with him bad guy leave him. But it's nothing like that. People are so many layers of good bad familiar love hate...
I just want a quiet life. I'm sooooo tired.
I did email the FP contact and say listen I want to come in just struggling with coming along.
I have reached out to a friend who is very straight no nonsense and asked if we can talk. She doesn't know about this but has recently asked me what's wrong. Maybe she can help me unravel my head a bit.
I almost forgot about him today I was out riding my horse and laughing. Bit of a reality bump later. I read and re read every post here. I try to take it in, analyse it and hang on to it. Please know that your posts help me so much.

Can't. Do. This. Anymore.
He's just sent me three mini iPhone videos of each of our daughters from various points in time. With titles such as 'they love me' 'I am not an abuser'
What the f*ck was that about? I don't recall questioning his love for his daughters.
I literally want to get my coat.
(To do what and go where I have no clue)

Here with you OP.
He ant you those clips to keep you in fear, in control. He thinks you are weak.
You have taken a massive step by posting and opening your eyes to the abuse he is putting you through, and yes it is abuse.
He knows exactly what he is doing.

You will find the strength, the right time to stand up to him and stop taking this shit.

Take a mental step back. And a deep breath. He has taken something lovely (videos of your DC) and deliberately used them to mess with your emotions, and your head. To get his own way, push you back in that box and silence you. Though guilt and fear of causing hurt to your DC. That's so cold, and the actions of an emotional abuser. Good men do not do this.

Do not respond. Keep your cool. Think of someone who's composure you admire (I use Judi Dench as M) and channel her.

Has the FP facilitator responded?

Great responses here What. My husband and I had 'great' times... as long as I stayed within my role. As long as I was obedient.

I think I've already said that everyone adored him. A more charming, kind, gentle, generous man you couldn't wish to meet

He is trying to re establish his construct of himself, which doesn't include being an abuser. It's called denial.

If he were THAT convinced, why is he on the back foot...ie sending videos? It's because he knows, on some level of his consciousness that he is indeed an abuser.

I can't say enough how much I agree with Springydaffs re the FP. Yes, it is scary. Of course it is, but to be surrounded by other women in exactly the same situation is so validating. It's warm and cozy and safe.

We all know how hard this is. Keep posting.

If it helps, it took more separations than I can even remember to get out. I still have "is it me" moments. It is so tough, so hard. It is like having one foot in one world and another in another, and the two worlds are getting further and further away, and you are going to break. But you won't break. You will be ok. But be kind to yourself, and go at your own pace.

It also shows that he is willing to use your children as a tool to hurt you. That is beneath shitty.