How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Have been lurking and reading and you're doing really well WWO.

Re the social thing:- I found myself in the same situation....I blush when I think of how I behaved when I was out with exH. I was so so anxious as my performance would be reviewed when I got home. He loved to remind me that "no-one liked me".....so I was even more nervous the next time and performed even worse.

He would even co-opt "our friends" and random restaurant staff to laugh at my klutziness......and I lived up to it; with knocked over wine glasses, inadvertent stammering, etc etc

Strangely, since he left, I've acquired very decent, honourable, decent friends around whom I feel no need to act a role.

So don't worry ... you come across here as articulate, emotionally intelligent, sensitive - and above all as having character and depth. You will attract people like that towards you.

what else can I do?

What you are doing :) Talking to people who can see it. Speaking to your doctor. Joining in the Freedom Programme, hurrah!

Doing a class for some re-connection with the normal world - great idea.

I know everyone keeps pointing this out, but look:

You are mad right? Insecure, irrational, weak-minded, crazy.
As you're mad, you need to see your doctor, right? Get a mental health referral.
So you do that. And this proves you're mad.
Because ... If you get counselling, you're mad.
And ... If you don't get counselling, you're mad.
You're mad, so you need counselling.
And if you get counselling, you're mad.

No way out, huh? Only a madman could call ^^ that logic.

Who's the crazy one here?

Anna- yes that's it. I get it wrong every time.
Redoubtable- wow. I'm none of those things but thank you so very very much.

Ah. Gallic-
Feels just like that!!!

Next time he talks to me I shall say that I was doing exactly as he said. Getting help for being mad. Stopping myself drive him crazy by getting some help. Yes?
He said early I didn't need a counsellor I just needed to look at my behaviour

So you were a quiet little mouse when you met him but now you're loud and a foot-in-mouth type.

Er, what happened?

Oh, Redoubt, that brought back so many memories of triple-checking my words & tone before speaking, composing my friendly but neutral face; of knowing instantly which words & looks would attract censure later on (a fleeting, rather smug glance from him was my warning.)

And I'd be upset. And the row would be 'my fault'

Urgh ... headworkers.

What springy?? What happened?

Really...you are none of those things? Says who?

You are lots of things that are not being appreciated.
You are not lots of things that you are told you are (see Gallic's wonderful catch-22 summary above)

Yes, Wait, you're right. That is the sensible - and honest - explanation for seeking therapeutic support.

He said early I didn't need a counsellor I just needed to look at my behaviour.

How fortunate that this is exactly what counselling's for.

I'm another one who first sought therapy due to my insecure craziness. It worked. I learned how our behaviours affect those around us. Because of this, I learned to see what H was doing. It was very ... interesting

You met him and he messed you right up from the inside out so you don't know whether you're coming or going. You don't know who you are any more because he's messed up your head. You're not operating from you but from the construct he has created for you... so nothing works very well. It's all mishmashed because it isn't you iyswim, but a construct. A construct devised by him of what you should be. Stepford, anyone?

But no fear, you'll find yourself again. In record time, too. I'm constantly amazed how quickly victims of abuse settle back into themselves once they're away from their abuser.

I say I don't remember lots of things but I certainly do remember the truly dreadful twilight place I was in when the spell he had over me was starting to break. I remember walking along the high street and people were walking towards me and I wanted to grab someone's sleeve and cry 'something terrible is happening to me! But I don't know what it is!'

Perhaps what was happening there with me, and may be happening with you, is that the world our abusers created is beginning to crumble and we are getting glimpses of what it really is: fake. But we've believed that world, it's been our world... It's a very confusing place.

Rather like the mirrors analogy Garlic mentioned upthread.

Oh yes. The craziness. I was put on anti-depressants (exH is medical). Of course, I took them as advised by my then beloved. Stopped day after he left.
Told my GP- she refused to refer me to the community MH team. Quite rightly.

WWO I think springy is asking you what is the difference between the mouse-like lady and the alleged foot-in-mouth lady is?
And that we (who have been where you are) know the answer.

That's me today/yesterday springy. I keep going to tell people but haven't a clue exactly what it is I would say. I'm feeling like I'm going through something awful. But I don't know what it is or whereabouts on the going through it I am!

DH has gone out. Pub I assume but who knows he's certainly not telling me.

One thing that's not been said.

Next time your son (I think) phones you and puts you down, say to him, "Please don't talk to me as though I'm stupid." Say it every single time. If he continues to treat you 'like a blonde' then repeat it but put the phone down immediately afterwards.

The last thing you want is another dickhead in the family.

Hmm. For someone who is so incredibly busy working all the time that he can't pay you any attention at all, even evenings & weekends, he certainly seems to have found himself some sulking time today when it suited HIM.

Off "on his bike"
Lying in bed under the duvet
Going to the pub

I would just be thankful you don't have to put up with his rather childish behaviour this evening. Grab a glass of wine & watch trashy TV, or call a mate for a good gossip - I'd guess he frowns upon those kind of things when he's around .

whst else can I do?
I'm looking to grow stronger, improve myself, and mix with people.

Well, it looks like you're going about it exactly the right way!

• You're already on a waiting list for therapy.
• You have plans to check out the Freedom Programme on Tuesday.
• You are signing up to an adult education class.

You're all set, really! Go you.
AND you've all done this in the space of - what? - 3 days, while also undergoing huge emotional upheaval.

You're pretty amazing, you are.

You're pretty amazing, you are.

Seconded!

Also what Allergic said about being too busy to take part in his marriage

Good advice re DS and 'blonde', too.

You're pretty amazing, you are.

Thirded

It's like there's a forcefield around all this shit and it's like we're breaking through it when we go through the craziness and pressure - like a spaceship reentering the earth's atmosphere. Back to the real world where things work in the way they're supposed to, where everything makes sense and lines up properly, where everything works!

Fourthed!

I'm pretty ordinary

Not amazing. Just trying to find a solid bit of ground to put my feet on. During another night by myself.
It's a long way to amazing, ladies.

Ordinary is fine. Ordinary is good. It's a big step in the right direction from sub-human and/or off your rocker, anyway. And ordinary people can do quite extraordinary things sometimes.

I'd settle for "ordinary" any day of the week.

erm, aren't we all 'ordinary'? Pretty much. Some may have dazzling skills/dastardly traits but at the end of the day we're all made of the same stuff.

Pontificate alert: I think we're all a bit too influenced by the celeb culture doing the rounds at present, bleeding into every possible crack. I read a glossy magazine article about a couple who appeared to dazzle to a quietly breathtaking and accomplished degree. I was 3/4s through the article before I realised I knew them... and dazzling, accomplished, wonderful they decidedly were NOT. It's all spin. To sell papers, or whatever.

Nope, we're all bog standard really. Though many instances of immense courage and bravery are achieved on the quiet, without anyone knowing about it. eg what you are doing in so short a time is extraordinary and worthy of applause. Many of us on here know how difficult it is - and you're doing it, engaging in it, putting one foot in front of the other, doing your best - and doing well. So take the credit, lovely - bravo, bravo

Just want to add that I've been thinking about you on & off today and hoping you are doing OK, OP.

I also remember very clearly watching my words & behaviour as I would get told off too - 'too loud', 'too keen to dance', 'too much wine' ( more than one glass in other words). I wasn't ME because I was too busy trying to be what I thought he wanted - which was always changing!

Well done so far OP, you're doing really great.

Thank you again ladies. I didn't post today -I have 'I post too much guilt' ;)
Today I have a splitting headache that has rendered me slow and feeble in most of my tasks. He still isn't talking and I feel a conscious OTT effort to not touch me or brush by me because I'm taking it all wrong and going bleating to a counsellor. The going out thing has not been mentioned still and its tonight. Either he's going and I just don't know yet, or most likely he is not going and later this 'missing out' will be my fault.
I signed up as 'interested' in two creative writing classes coming soon. And made some attempt at figuring out the next marketing kind of moves for my little business. (Really no idea about business running but love the art side of what I do)

I met nodded and smiled at all the people I was supposed to today but the effort of not just standing still and screaming/crying is huuuuge.

hmmm ah yes. The doing it wrong when out thing. I did not actually get up and dance for about oh.... Ten years... Because he'd made such a deal about how ridiculous I looked dancing. I started dancing at clubs/friends/parties again a few years ago and it's true I'm no great mover but I do enjoy myself.
I do not if he is watching tho. Same on the drinking or dressing as I please front. I really mean well but you can bet I let him down most of the time. He does try to not say it, I do see him try, but in the end either that night or the next argument it will prob come my way.

Just checking in to see how you are. Hope today was an ok day. x