How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Pathetic!

It feels like a parallel universe right now, you know? - Oh, I do! You'd be astonished how many women know exactly what you mean.

In my support group, we call this 'stepping through the mirror'. You know, some people's minds create a definition of the world, which is similar to most other people's worlds but differs in very significant ways. Like Alice through the looking glass. By patient coaxing & persuasion, they bring their partners to their side of the mirror. The partners get used to it but, unlike the 'mirror people', they know it's not the only possible world. So there is always some discord. When, eventually, it gets too much for a partner and she chooses to venture a foot or a hand back to the 'normal' world, the mirror person feels desperately anxious: he's incapable of making this move; he knows she can leave.

Half in, half out of the mirror, you naturally feel you can't tell which side is real. It's a weird & scary feeling. Wait, this side is where you belong. Almost everyone else is over here. This is the world where humans have a broad, natural and flexible range of emotions. Where people treat one another considerately; where options are many, choices are free, and possibilities exciting. Where you may stand alone or shoulder-to-shoulder, and change your mind whenever you want.

Unsurprisingly, everyone in my group is very fond of films like The Matrix They codify the experience of making this step!

he's climbed into bed and covered himself with the duvet

Have you seen the long-running Emotional Abuse threads on this board? You'll find them helpful, I think. They grew out of an earlier series on separating from partners with personality disorders. Before anyone has a go, about half of the partners in question had been diagnosed.

One thing we ALL noticed was a tendency to go to bed & pull the covers over their heads when the 'real' world threatens to intrude on their mirror-world.

Much of this will look bonkers to you. You're clever at researching - give yourself a little crash-course on Cluster B Personality Disorders. I believe you will find some explanations there.

It's not you :)

I feel bad because until I said I'd been to the GP and got a councelling app/possible app he was okay. Now he thinks I'm saying he's a terrible man to everyone and taking no blame. I TAKE SOME BLAME! I'm needy, I'm insecure. I know it.
He's having an awful day because of me.

One day, Wait, you are going to look back at this day incredulously and wonder at:

a) what you ever saw in such a pathetic man
b) how much head space he is taking up for someone so childish
c) why didn't you just laugh at him.

It is easy for us to see how ridiculous he is. We haven't had to put up with him for god knows how long. But as queenoftheknight says he's acting like he's two.

Mirror thing fascinating. A lot like that here.
I feel like everyone is busy with nice trivial stuff and I'm ploughing thro treacle thick crap
Thing is I'm feeling like by saying something by speaking up I'm the one causing it to be this thick treacle.

Scallops ... Yes. Sorry. Not only is he taking up my entire headspace -I'm struggling to plan or do anything beyond the daily grind- but I'm posting so much.

That wasn't having a go at you Wait - sorry if it came over like that. I know where you are at the moment. I know what he is doing to you. I just wanted to reassure you that you will see the funny side of this (black humour admittedly), one day .

"I feel bad because until I said I'd been to the GP and got a councelling app/possible app he was okay. Now he thinks I'm saying he's a terrible man to everyone and taking no blame."

Until you spoke to the GP and got a counselling appointment he was GREAT, he had everything exactly the way he wanted it, he could be as mean as he wanted to you and no-one outside the relationship knew so he looks like a Golden Hero. Now its not all hidden away in silence and darkness any more, someone knows. And someone who he cant charm around as well, double horror! He knows EXACTLY how awful hes been to you, and he knows that other people will see it as well - you only need to be honest with people about how hes acted for them to think hes been horrible, because hes been horrible.

I also wanted to say earlier, when I said "who has said they wish they were you" I meant who out of the people who know what hes REALLY LIKE. No-one on this thread has said for a second that theyd want someone like that in their life, and all your friends who have said "oh i would, id go shopping" have no idea the painfully high price youve been paying for that "privilege" every single day. They have only seen what hes wanted them to see, they dont know the reality.

OP, I just wanted to add my voice to those saying that you are doing the right thing.

Anyone who loses their rag over their partner SEEKING HELP is just so uncaring and horrible that I'm struggling to find words to express it.

I do believe that you have been belittled by this man to the point that taking any stand that is independent of him feels incredibly scary. What you are doing is therefore very brave. But it is also vital - in a relationship where there is no room for "you" to be "you", there is no survival. The things you're asking of him are basic courtesies, not princessy demands - and there are plenty of men who work long hours who still find time for their wives. The tantrum-throwing is utterly pathetic, too.

Hang in there!

"He's having an awful day because if me." How many awful days have you had because of him? Seriously, have a real hard think...in the years and years of being together, how many days has something he has said/done/ didn't say/didn't do hurt or upset youi bet hundreds and hundreds. He can handle one. Seriously OP, I may sound harsh but he truely is a class act. He's got you so muddled in your head you don't even come close to living for yourself. You live for him, you are so completely strung up in what he thinks, how he feels...its not even funny. It's like you've forgotton that you are a worthwhile person, deserving of love, attention, affection and kindness!

And by the way...please, please keep posting!

Yes, he had his own little kingdom running and nobody knew what was going on in it, the price YOU were paying to keep it intact. ie the stooge, the fallguy.

Now he's terrified people will find out - what does that tell you? It tells you his kingdom is under threat. And it tells you he knows what he's been doing is wrong and he's been rumbled.

Er...there's no need for that chocolate! Actually, psychologically, it holds water. Often, emotional development can get arrested through trauma. Trauma often caused by living in an abusive family.

That's why it is so important to not pass it on. These behaviours often get passed on through generation after generation, and that is how.

Children are deeply affected by living in abuse, and it causes damage that can last a lifetime, and beyond.

Aren't you and chocolate saying the same thing, queen?

OP has forgotten she's a worthwhile human being - bcs she's been brainwashed to believe everything is her fault. Domestic abuse, without the hitting. Silent and deadly.

So I'm back home.
He has got up
Gone shopping for new running things for him
And is now working on his computer
??
Not that traumatised I guess
I spoke to say I'm about to begin dinner is he eating with us?
Yes he said 'if you are cooking dinner'
Wtf else would I be doing with two DCs at dinner time ? Siiiiiiigghhhh

Ignore ignore - water off a duck's back!

No, he can switch it on and off. Convincing, huh. All sham. Unlike your pain - not that has been very very real xx

NOW that has been real!

Actually, who's being emotional now with the duvet shit

ha ha ha ha - nope, not that traumatised indeed.
but still being a whiny little so-and-so about dinner, to make some kind of point still about how His Highness is still Royally Offended.

Yes we are.

Often when mothers are being abused, it affects their ability to be fully present for their children, for obvious reasons. Abusers often play divide and rule too. They often "army build" with any children in the house against the mother.

It is SO destructive on so many levels, without any physical violence at all.

I have spent years and years in therapy learning all this stuff in an attempt to understand. My family of origin show all these patterns too.

I have learned that abusers very often feel that they are victims of something. That they often project their mothers onto their wives in a forlorn attempt to relive and replace what is missing.

These are some of the reasons it is so hard for them to change, and completely beyond the ability of a spouse.

I still feel crazy. As if this ability to see his world and 'the world' means it's me that's nuts.
I confess I'm dreading tonight having the kids about is better than when it's just us. I don't know if it's going to be a stand off or a 'so...
You ruined my day did you'

It's sooooo tiring.
Okay I'm making plans to get to the freemdom group. I'm not sure it's right for me but I'll go see.
I'm on the free counselling waiting list.
I'm attempting to keep myself busy -exhausting- and I think I'll look into some kind of adult education class maybe. (Did some once ages ago) Just to be normal and mixed with people.

whst else can I do?
I'm looking to grow stronger, improve myself, and mix with people.
Tho initially mixing with new people is terrifying as I'm sure nobody likes me, - am either loud or foot in mouth type!!, I've made myself do it over the last few years so can do it again.
One thing I CANT do easily is mixed with new people and DH at the same time. I literally fall apart. So he thinks I'm a nightmare at social things. Always says I try too hard and come across wrong. So you try hard not to try hard and then it all goes wrong

God how stressful that must be - meeting new people with someone beside you who is silently judging your every move, your every word....then in the car home giving your efforts a massive Zero at great length, in exhaustive detail.....

Christ, I'd go batshit.

Hugs