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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gonna have to choose between family or husband

121 replies

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 14:03

To cut a very long story short I havent spoken to my parents for 4 years now. To cut it short, my husband & I had a disagreement with them regarding our children & we didnt speak for a year. Both parties were being stubborn & because we wouldnt 'give in' to what they wanted we received an eviction notice to leave their property in 6 wks (they owned the house we were living in). Needless to say it was a big show of power & we left without a word. 4 years on we havent spoke, they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them & I should be loyal to him and our kids. The eviction did mean loss of jobs and having to move miles away where the council could house us and huge upheaval for our children. Im absolutely torn as life is short. Whichever way I turn im upsetting people. Im trying to keep our family unit together, be loyal to my husband but paying a huge price. My heads like a ticking time bomb and im struggling

OP posts:

RyanAirVeteran · 07/03/2015 14:06

Parents would not do what they did.

IMO your loyalty lies with your family unit, not the family unit you thought you were part of.

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/03/2015 14:16

If I had to make that choice, based simply on what you have told us there, my choice would be husband and children - and it would not take me more than about 3 seconds to consider.

Meerka · 07/03/2015 14:19

Your family have shown VERY clearly that if you want to be on good terms with them you have to knuckle under to them. THEY rule the roost. They want domination over you and over your children.

Is that an endurable way to live?

Im sorry you've been put in this dreadful position but it's not your husband's fault. It's your family's. You are entitled to have your own opinions on how to bring up your children and grandparents can be lovely, but they are not the ones in charge of the next generation. Not in this culture.

You will never be able to trust your family again, never able to rely on them becuase you know the price of disagreement. You and your children being left homeless and jobless. Neither can your husband ever trust them. They have behaved abominably towards him and your children as well. No self respecting man could regard them with anything but intense dislike for a long long time.

Choose your husband.

And take a lot of time to grieve. Your family are not what you thought they were. Their love is conditional and the punishment for not conforming penalizes not only you but your dependent, helpless children.

These are brutally harsh people and it is one hell of a shock to realise that. It takes years to really take it in. Please consider some sort of counselling, it´s not for everyone but it can help a lot, and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I´m angry on your behalf here, hearing how you were kicked out with 6 weeks´ notice and had to give up everything you had!

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/03/2015 14:19

Your parents sound toxic and dysfunctional. Your loyalty lies with your husband and he's doing absolutely the right thing by keeping your kids away from them.

Marshy · 07/03/2015 14:22

There are degrees of reconciliation. Is there no compromise position between no contact and a full on relationship that you and your dh would both be happy with?

It does sound as if their response to the falling out was extreme and made life very hard for you all but as you say, life is short and you don't sound happy with the situation as it stands.

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 14:22

Based on the information in your OP, I would say your loyalty should totally lie with your DCs and your DH.

Having said that, this is of course emotionally fraught and I don't think it is particularly supportive of your DH to put pressure on you. Maybe he feels a sense of betrayal that you are even considering a reconciliation of sorts with your parents?
Can the two of you talk to each other, really talk? And listen?

Bonsoir · 07/03/2015 14:23

I agree with other posters. Your parents sound incredibly cruel and controlling.

chinstrappenguin · 07/03/2015 14:25

Sorry Op but I am with the other posters. Based on your OP your parents have been vile. DH and DC would trump parents every time.

AlpacaMyBags · 07/03/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eurochick · 07/03/2015 14:29

They made you leave your home leading you to lose your jobs? Jaysus. I'm usually in the life's too short camp but I couldn't see a way back from what they did too you. What an awful, awful thing to do.

Vivacia · 07/03/2015 14:29

I think you and your husband should talk about your concerns where you to resume contact with your parents. I think you should clarify the risks. I imagine your husband is unwilling to forgive them, but also very worried about you being hurt again.

I think that you should explore different options though. At the moment you seem to have to choices - stay NC or go back to the old status quo. There are always more than two options. You could think about different types and frequencies of contact. There's no hurry either.

I would tell your husband that you understand his concerns, but that you need to think things through and explore your options before making a decision.

WireCat · 07/03/2015 14:30

Your parents sound awful. I really wouldn't need to choose.

DorothyBastard · 07/03/2015 14:30

What was the original disagreement regarding your children? The context is pretty important here; if it was something inconsequential them their actions were unforgivable. If they had some genuine concerns about their grandchildren's safety for example, then things might make more sense.

BitterChocolate · 07/03/2015 14:31

I would say that your family probably want to get you back under their thumb. Your DH is phrasing his point of view very strongly and it puts you under pressure. It would be better, and just as true, if he said that it would be bad for you personally to get back in touch with them because they are unlikely to have changed. But perhaps he feels that you are not good at putting yourself first so he is stating his position so strongly because he fears that you have been conditioned to respond to your parents needs and the only way to counter that is to present his and your DCs needs in an equally compelling way.

It was a shit thing that they did to you, and you don't owe them anything. How would you advise your DC or a friend if they were in the same position? I think you would tell them to protect their own happiness.

Goneintohibernation · 07/03/2015 14:34

Based solely on your OP I would say your parents have acted appallingly and your loyalty should be with your husband, but it is hard to judge on so little information. Is your husband worthy of your loyalty, and were your parents completely in the wrong when the falling out happened?

Original poster

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 14:34

They've managed to get the whole family onside including all my grandparents which im lucky to have at 36 and my brother who's my only sibling. Everyone has turned their backs on me, making me out to be some unreasonable arsehole for not making peace with them. My heads not in a good place & although my children and husband definately come first its truely effing my head up and and ridden with guilt.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 07/03/2015 14:34

Your parents did a mean rotten thing to you and your family. You should cut them no slack. I agree with your DH and you owe them nothing. Your parents are in the wrong here from what you have written. They are control freaks and it won't end well if you get back under their thumb.

Original poster

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 14:36

The fall out was because they wanted to take one of my sons for a day out on their own for 'quality time' then do the same with the other another time. As they are close in age and young at the time I said no, theres no need and wasnt fair. How dare I say no, eh.

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 07/03/2015 14:40

They might be your parents but they sound highly manipulative people.

I can't think of anything that would justify their actions in making you and their grandchildren homeless. What was the cause of the argument?

You did the right thing not giving in to their blackmail - because that is what it was.

What did they think would happen when they evicted you? They must have realised there could be no way back from this?

Yes they are your parents but they are also bullies and I wouldn't want them in my life based on what you posted.

So unless there is something we are missing that may explain (though what that could be is beyond me) why their actions were so extreme then I'd have to say I'm with your husband on this one.

Meerka · 07/03/2015 14:40

mummy I really think you need some skilled therapy. Parents hold such a huge place in our heads. Please do try to find some, and do order Toxic Parents. Give it to your husband to read if you can't bear to yourself. He might be able to read it and find some very interesting stuff in there that can help him support you.

blueberrypie0112 · 07/03/2015 14:41

I don't know what your parents' background but Family and business do not mix (assuming they rent). I would not suggest anyone to live at a place that is owned by family. It makes it harder to set boundaries. My FIL used to let his mother use his internet account and when they weren't on speaking term, he cut that off too (and she was not able to get her emails). It was his money though. I don't if your husband is upset about the evict or the other stuff. If they haven't evict you and your family, Was he planning to move out in the first place after the argument? Or stay there?

One way another, you should stand by your husband.

YellowTulips · 07/03/2015 14:43

Ok based in your last post your parents are quite frankly manipulative and bullying fuckers.

I wouldn't reconcile with them. Their behaviour was appalling.

Vivacia · 07/03/2015 14:43

Blackmailing and applying pressure in this way are not good reasons to make contact with them OP. There is no contrition or accepting of responsibility on their part.

I think you need advice on how to deal with your other family members.

currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 14:47

so they turn your whole family against you and evict you over a child's day out? Have they always been this controlling? Why would you want them in your life after behaving in this way. Could you ever forgive for what they have done and see a way forward? I really don't see how you could.

Interrobang · 07/03/2015 14:50

Another voice saying no contest. Your parents are manipulative. Your husband sounds strong, with good boundaries. Don't let your parents have a hold over you again. Sorry your brother and GPs aren't on your side - this often happens. But you have your DH, and DC - onwards and upwards with them.

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