Gonna have to choose between family or husband

[MummyBtothree]

To cut a very long story short I havent spoken to my parents for 4 years now. To cut it short, my husband & I had a disagreement with them regarding our children & we didnt speak for a year. Both parties were being stubborn & because we wouldnt 'give in' to what they wanted we received an eviction notice to leave their property in 6 wks (they owned the house we were living in). Needless to say it was a big show of power & we left without a word. 4 years on we havent spoke, they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them & I should be loyal to him and our kids. The eviction did mean loss of jobs and having to move miles away where the council could house us and huge upheaval for our children. Im absolutely torn as life is short. Whichever way I turn im upsetting people. Im trying to keep our family unit together, be loyal to my husband but paying a huge price. My heads like a ticking time bomb and im struggling

What kind of lowlife says anything like your mother's statement to you about seeing you when you were born? She doesn't deserve you. And you deserve much better.

If you can't imagine saying stuff to your DCs like they have said to you....they are really people that you should keep away from your precious children.
Our role as parents is to love,protect,nurture and defend our children.

Not emotionally annihilate them.

Please, FORGET your GP as a means to address this - there is zero funding in NHS MH, you won't get any effective treatment.

But, dig around a bit and there are a rich seam of people around with similar experiences ie surviving a dysfunctional family dynamic. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, for starters.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to do all the leg work to find what you need as it plain doesn't exist on the NHS [said that already]. But you won't be the first or the last.

Your husband is absolutely right¡ BUT that's all very well to say and its easy for him to say, not so easy for you. Recovery is a process that takes time and you're going to need considerable investment (which will probably include £ investment...) to get to a place of peace on this. He has to appreciate you can't just click a switch - not yet anyway. He has to pitch in with facilitating your recovery, together as a couple.

Priorities:

1. DC
2. DH
3. The rest of your family.

There is no choice here.

The more I have read, the more convinced I am too that your mum and dad have behaved very badly to you. No choice to be made. Just boundaries to be enforced. No contact with people who are not good to you. Whoever they are.

It sounds to me like your family are controlling and have been abusive to you your whole life, however I'm going to go against the grain here and pick up on something you said in your op which really stood out to me:

they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them

I can understand him saying he doesn't want you to get hurt again, or That he would struggle to forgive them, or still feel hurt by what they have done, or a host of other very reasonable things given the situation. But to say that to me sounds like he is just as controlling! You have issues with your family which I'm sure he is aware of, they made you homless and he is basically saying in not so many words 'if you don't do what I want you are just as bad as your abusive family'

I might be wrong but what is your relationship like with your DH? Is he controlling too? It wouldn't be the first time someone with a controlling family ended up with a controlling DH. I get a sense that there is more to this initial bust up? What was your DH involvement in that?

I may be completely wrong but I'm sensing there is more than what you have said. It's a horrible situation I hope you can work something out

Catzeyess yes there is alot more to it and yes he is quite controlling but apart from my boys he's literally all ive got.

Lots of good advice here. Re the well-meaning person who posted about the thread on Gransnet though, it's best not to read such things. Avoid. It triggers the FOG.

OP I'm not sure I should even ask this but I can't help wondering if the eviction was even legally. Depends if you were paying rent and had a tenancy I guess.

I think your DH has made a good point but expressed it badly. If you reconcile it will be on their terms, back under their control.

I've not read anything other than the OP but having been in a similar situation myself I would say to listen to your husband. your parents will never change. They made their grandchildren homeless - that's a deal breaker in my book and there'd be no going back. You're better off without them. concentrate on your kids and husband.

MummyBtothree I really feel for you It must be so hard to be caught between a controlling family and a controlling DH.

But he isn't all you have, there is a whole world of help out there to help you deal with your controlling family. There are people who will love you for you and not try and control you. I'm not suggesting you leave your DH but I am saying seek out counselling and good friends who can support you with no strings attached!

^ What catzeyess said!

I'm with your DH on this one. Your parents are vile - they threw you and your family out of their home with 6 weeks notice because you had a disagreement over a child's day out, WTF?! No way would I even consider contacting them again. Your DH is right. At some point you have to say enough is enough and them throwing you out of your home, causing you to lose your jobs is something that cannot ever be recovered from.

uh-oh. If he's controlling then it may be an idea to start working with that. Working backwards, as it were: dealing with what you're facing at present.

It really is not the end of the world to 'only' have your kids. This is not theory on my behalf btw. It clears the decks if/when we are dealing with longstanding controlling relationships, one after another.

It's not easy, certainly. But it's a lot 'easier' than endlessly managing controlling influences, where we simply can't hear our own 'voice'. It really is better to have the decks clear when it comes to being controlled.

With how people have been towards me in life I dont think I am anywhere near strong enough to go it alone. Ive got no family/friends for practical or emotional support. Things are far from ideal with hubby. No spark anymore, barely any conversation or intimacy or closeness. Feeling very lonely

How do you eat the elephant? bite by bite.

I know I keep saying it but is there any hope of therapy? (it'd have to be paid sadly, the NHS won't run to much). Might your husband pay if he thinks it will help you stand up against your parents.

Concentrate on the issues here and now and you can keep other things in the back of your mind, but reserve them for the future.

I sympathise that things are so hard. Concentrating on strengthening yourself, whether through therapy or anything else will help you to cope with all of the above.

I did a lot of coaching, which really helped me to understand myself and be a bit more robust,less of a people pleaser. There may be ways of getting access to this which are cheaper than traditional therapy (through studying it yourself and working on your issues in coaching circles I mean).

And by the way, I have to say going it alone is a lot easier than being constantly held to ransom by a varying selection of bullies,narcissists etc in my family

Meerka that parrishmiller article could have been written about my mother, it's uncanny.
OP, I think Meerka's right. Bit by bit, take things step by step but that first step should be to get some boundaries around your parents and the way they treat you.

And by the way, I have to say going it alone is a lot easier than being constantly held to ransom by a varying selection of bullies,narcissists etc in my family

Yes. I have found that too, so so much. It's lonely (or was, before husband and I got together and children came along) and it's hard but it is so very much better than being bullied or controlled or trying to resist being controlled. I would rather choose the loneliness and sometimes sadness I had for 20 years again than ever be controlled and bullied again.

Mind you neither is ideal. But of the two alternatives, there's no contest. Unfortunately sometimes life just isn't easy.

This could be the crisis you 'need' to start addressing historical abuse and control. Of course we all hate it, would rather things trundled on, however horribly, that face all that STUFF.

Really, there is a pot at the end of the rainbow. It can be a bumpy road - though not always at all - but as squeegle says, it is sooooo much better than the agony and confusion of constantly being held to ransomby people who insist on controlling us.

You could start with the Freedom Programme to get a heads up with what you may be dealing with, either in your marriage or your family of origin, your parents. If you click on 'find a course' you will find a course near you - lots around in the UK. It is free and it is a very safe place, you can come and go (ie leave the room) if you don't feel up to it; the facilitators are very sensitive, helpful and supportive. You will meet many ordinary women who are all grappling with an abusive/controlling dynamic to varying degrees.

As Meerka says, you do it a bit at a time, go at your own pace.

i think you need to stay away from your parents. You really do. Your husband is right x