Gonna have to choose between family or husband

[MummyBtothree]

To cut a very long story short I havent spoken to my parents for 4 years now. To cut it short, my husband & I had a disagreement with them regarding our children & we didnt speak for a year. Both parties were being stubborn & because we wouldnt 'give in' to what they wanted we received an eviction notice to leave their property in 6 wks (they owned the house we were living in). Needless to say it was a big show of power & we left without a word. 4 years on we havent spoke, they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them & I should be loyal to him and our kids. The eviction did mean loss of jobs and having to move miles away where the council could house us and huge upheaval for our children. Im absolutely torn as life is short. Whichever way I turn im upsetting people. Im trying to keep our family unit together, be loyal to my husband but paying a huge price. My heads like a ticking time bomb and im struggling

Stay away. No contact. Complete radio silence.
They will have to use someone else for their Shittin' Post.
Going back will just be volunteering for more of the same.
Stay all in with your dh.
Imho, your gut feeling about their manipulation of your dc is spot on...protect them.

It is not up to your DH to tell you who you can & can't see, you should be allowed to make your own choices, even if he disagrees with them. No one is forcing him to be in contact with them but telling you that you would be as bad as them for getting in touch is just ridiculous & controlling.

pacific, mummy said that she didnt want her parents taking the children out separately because 1) they don't respect her wishes (eg taking them on a boat when she asked them not to) and 2) they were trying to supplant her in the children's affections. :s

They sound thoroughly destructive of normal relationships.

mummy, try to be gentle on yourself, you are in such a difficult position but you are six times better a mum than your own mother. You try to protect your children, not leave them homeless :/

I think basically the years of narcissistic abuse have sewn the seeds of guilt in my head so my self esteem is always rock bottom and the first one to put myself down or constantly apologise thinking/presuming im always at fault for anything.

I think you alone can reconcile with them but leave your children out of it.

When you live in a house they owned, it tend makes it worst (the guilt and pressure). Because they think they get to open their mouth and stomp boundaries whenever they feel like . I have seen this happen too many times. It is good thing that you and your husband left because you no longer owe them anything. If you decide to speak to them again, it makes it easier to put a stop to their behavior as they know you can easy stop talking to them.

Your parents sound exactly like my mother. When i was still living at home she fell out with one of my cousins, because i had the nerve to speak to said cousin i was thrown out of the family home, i had just lost my grandad, my job and found out i was pregnant. It was a tough time

Over the years i have forgiven many many things, she has fallen out with me every other month for the last 7 years, she dispises my husband because she knows that he's got my back, she also hates him because he has me meaning im not there for her to treat as an emotional punching bag whenever she feels like it.

Numerous times ive told DH "that's it, im done with her" but couple of weeks later i feel bad or sorry for her and offer an olive branch. DH has always supported me whichever way.

Then last year she threw an almighty tantrum because she came to my house and i wasn't in (shocking eh? 30 years old with my own family and i cant even leave the house when i want) this was just days before my birthday. I didn't realise she was mad, then out of the blue i got a texts basically saying she wasn't getting me a birthday present or card and to stay the hell away from her

So i fucking have. I haven't spoke to her since. Her treatment of me my whole life has been fucking appalling. She thinks that because she gave birth to me she had total control over my life, even now.

DH was incessant with rage over her treatment of me, and although he has never told me not to make up with her, i know he's be very disappointed and upset if i did, because he cares about me and knows it will happen again and i will be hurt and upset.

Thing is, its finally dawned on me that she can only make me upset if i let her in. She will never be part of my life again, this time i mean it. My life is sooo much less stressful. No more walking on eggshells. I will never go back to that

Anyway ive been longwinded here, but my point is, your husband cares, he can obviously see your family are really manipulative and awful to you and he is the one that seems to have your best interests at heart. They do not.

Ah, thanks, Meerka, should RTFT, shouldn't I?

Stay well clear, mummy, and get thee some therapy

Also, when your family have treated you so disgustingly it sort of becomes normal. Often it takes somebody outside the family to say "you know this isn't normal? You don't treat your family like that" to make you see that it really isn't normal behaviour

Hmmmmm. I am the last person to advocate choosing your husband over your parents (my husband had an affair and left). However in your case, you parents' behaviour was not just a moment of anger, it was a sustained attack on your whole life.

They must be shockingly unaware if they think that not getting a day of 'quality time' is fixed by evicting the whole family! They just ruined any quality time they could have expected ever.

There is something wrong with a person who would evict you like that over something so minor. I wouldn't get back in contact for that reason alone. They were controlling you and when you resisted, they went nuclear. Stick with your husband and your dc.

Apologies to whomever was shocked at my reaction. My firm belief is that this is something that only the OP can resolve because it's a very personal matter. It is easy for others to say 'I would never forgive' and I certainly have a lot of sympathy with the husband..... but this has to be something the OP rationalises and decides for herself. Any sense that either 'no contact' or 'contact' has been imposed and the OP will be left feeling not in control

I've seen this go all ways. If someone wants to be in contact with family and believes they have been prevented from doing so, it's as bad as being urged to get in contact against their better judgement. They key is that, whatever the OP decides, the DH has to at least be understanding if not fully supportive. There should be no coercion.

MummyB

Your own loyalty now is to your own family unit, not your family of origin.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissistic parent/s. I would also think they are simply trying to hoover you back into their dysfunctional world; such people do not like to lose control that easily.

You do not need parents like yours at all in your life; they have done more than enough damage and any reconciliation will be purely on their terms and not yours. I then come back to my original point which is that it is not possible to have any sort of relationship with them anyway so reconciliation is not possible.

Your role here is to protect your children from such malign influences. Narcissist grandparents more often than not either over value or under value the relationship with their grandchildren and they would get nothing positive from such a one sided relationship anyway. They would simply be used by the narcissist as narcissistic supply.

Tablets will only do so much. Find a good therapist (one preferably who has had experience in dealing with narcissistic families) and also one that has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Beware though that the first person you see may not be the right one; counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits.

Thank you so much. I havent a friend in the world these days as I no longer trust anyone or let myself get close. Either that or I talk myself out of it if anyone shows an interest in me as I find it hard to believe I have anything to offer anyone. Thankfully hubby does have my back which kinda answers my own question really and a big reason my parents hate him as he doesnt allow them to mistreat/hurt me anymore.

Your parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons when growing up; time these were unlearnt now and through counselling with a decent therapist.

I would also have a look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. The resources at the start of that thread are also worth looking at.

Choose your family. By which I mean husband and dc. Just because you related by birth to others, don't make them family. Family are those who love and support you. Don't be head fucked by this pack of bullies.

MummyBtothree. Can I ask if your Mother posts on Gransnet. There is a thread on there called 'cut out of their lives' Obviously we hear only thier side of the story. Just wondering.

Fingeronthebutton I suppose its poss. where did you say it was? im curious now! x

Out of interest, over the 4 years, have they ever approached you?
If not, can you be certain they would want a reunion?
It beggars belief how they could have done that to you and THEIR grandchildren.

They have tried to send messages through my grandma apparently saying they are sorry but I think thats my grandma trying to help patch it all up. Ive never actually heard my mum ever say sorry or admit to doing anything wrong. My dad did text once saying he went too far and would I contact them but they only want me to contact them on my own, not my husband.

Regarding the other members of your family to whom your parents have misrepresented what happened, I would write to them in very matter of fact way, explaining your side of the story (not whinging) and saying how upsetting you find it to be cut off from them too
I agree I think you need professional help to deal with this . If you agree to have a student you can sometimes get CBTat very short notice (otherwise there's usually a waiting list, so I would progress it asap if i were you )

To be honest, from experience, reconciling after that sort of behaviour will only see a repeat performance later down the line.

Grandma needs to stop meddling because no good will come of it.

Your grandma must be advised by you that she is not to pass on any messages to you from them because you are not interested in hearing from your parents. If she cannot respect your wishes you will need to stop contact with her because she is acting in her own self interest rather than yours.

Op: I speak as a mother and a grandmother.
What they did was unforgivable.
I cannot ever imagine behaving like that to my DCs.