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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gonna have to choose between family or husband

121 replies

MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 14:03

To cut a very long story short I havent spoken to my parents for 4 years now. To cut it short, my husband & I had a disagreement with them regarding our children & we didnt speak for a year. Both parties were being stubborn & because we wouldnt 'give in' to what they wanted we received an eviction notice to leave their property in 6 wks (they owned the house we were living in). Needless to say it was a big show of power & we left without a word. 4 years on we havent spoke, they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them & I should be loyal to him and our kids. The eviction did mean loss of jobs and having to move miles away where the council could house us and huge upheaval for our children. Im absolutely torn as life is short. Whichever way I turn im upsetting people. Im trying to keep our family unit together, be loyal to my husband but paying a huge price. My heads like a ticking time bomb and im struggling Sad

OP posts:
biffyboom · 07/03/2015 14:51

Your parents probably think you will have learned your lesson for not doing as they command by now so are willing to let you back into the family...who needs family like that!

Your husband is right.
how would you feel about the situation if this was your husbands family that had made you homeless, lose your jobs and cut your children from their side of the family?

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 14:54

Looking back yes they have been very controlling and mother quite 'narcissistic' towards me at times. My head f*k is that if something happens to either of them I will never get the chance to make any kind of 'peace' or whatever then ive got to live with it. Im not even sure if its peace I want to make at the end of the day. I guesss I cant change the kind of people they are. I just hate everyone in the family thinking so bad of me when im really not and it hurts beyond belief Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2015 14:55

I'm going to go against the grain. Your parents' reaction sounds extremely unpleasant & disruptive and I can understand why your DH would say not to get back in touch. But I don't think you should be forced to choose. However badly someone behaves, if you think you would gain something from contact, it's not really down to anyone else to say 'thou shalt not'.

I wonder about the initial disagreement that ended up with you being evicted. Did they have a back history of causing problems? Was it a one off and out of character? Growing up would you have described them as authoritarian or bullying? Did they approve of your marriage originally or were they against? Did your DH like them originally or was there always antagonism?

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/03/2015 14:58

They threw you and those darling grandchildren they wished to have quality time with out because you dared to disagree with them over such a minor point.

OP they ruined you. They made you homeless an you lost your jobs. All because you disagreed over a day out.

They saw their grandchildren destitute over a minor disagreement.

I see why your DH wants no contact. They would steam roll right over you.

Be grateful you are out of it and feel sorry for the rest of them dancing to their tune for fear of the punishment that will be unleashed on them.

Stay no contact and if the rest are so scared they dance to their tune, they would never be any allies of yours when the next disagreement came around (and it would) and you would lose them all over again anyway.

You've let the flying monkeys get in your head. Things would only ever be on their terms and you would be forever walking on eggshells waiting for the next eruption.

Vivacia · 07/03/2015 15:04

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

blueberrypie0112 · 07/03/2015 15:04

I don't know if it is really blackmailing as the family weren't on speaking term for a year and yet they are still living in a place that they owned.

blueberrypie0112 · 07/03/2015 15:06

The owner still have to communicate with renter, that is and they weren't on speaking terms

Vivacia · 07/03/2015 15:07

What they should be doing blueberry is saying, "We're very, very sorry. We would like to make amends" what they are currently saying is, "Tell your grandchild and sister that she should talk to us".

Meerka · 07/03/2015 15:07

mummy yes, what happens if one of them dies is a very difficult thing. It's also incredibly difficult to be made out to be teh Bad Guy especially when you're not.

I think skilled therapy can help becuase it is, with the right therapist, a safe place to ask these questions and work out how you actually feel, which can be pretty contradictory sometimes - love and resentment, guilt and a strong need for your own space and freedom to be your own person. ALso a safe place how to plan how to handle really difficult events like having another baby or a death.

It's also a place where you can grieve for the loss of illusion of loving, safe parents.

How close are you to your husband's family? are they loving people? they can never make up for your own family but a good set of in laws do help.

Your parents have behaved utterly disgustingly. But if you did allow a certain low level of contact, would they behave more circumspectly next time disagreement comes up? Would you be able to stop yoruself from sliding into old patterns of them ruling? Its very hard to break old patterns when they creep up on you subtly. Could your husband accept any contact at all? Personally I could never forgive parents who potentially left my children homeless and who turned the whole family against me, but you are probably nicer than me =)

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 07/03/2015 15:08

OK, so you wouldn't let them take the kids out (simple disagreement with the grandparents, no biggie), from this they evict you, make you homeless so you have to relocate and then somehow put a spin on this so that no-one else in the family is speaking to you?

They sound horrendous and I think you really need to think about what's in it for you to regain contact. Are you doing it simply to reconnect with the other members of the family? because if that's the case, there has to be another way.

I agree with Meerka I think some counselling would be an excellent idea.

I would also say though, as someone who has no contact with their MIL while DH does (low level), I would never dictate to my partner about his relationship with his mother (as long as it remains separate to me and our child). It is possible that as much as your DH dislikes your parents, it may also be that he doesn't want you to get sucked back in by them only to be hurt again (and he just hasn't voiced it well)

Jackieharris · 07/03/2015 15:12

What horrible parents!

Stay away. They don't deserve to be forgiven for what they did. Have they even apologised?

Btw I do think you were being unreasonable not allowing them to take one DC at a time in a day trip but their reaction is totally disproportionate!

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 15:12

Ive never been able to do anything right by them and 'disappointed' from the minute I was born. They hate my husband as he saw how they treated me and wouldnt allow it. I could mention examples that are so un-natural to say/do to your kids.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 15:17

It isn't your job to fix the relationship with them and make it ok you know? Why do you think you should be friends with them. I agree you shouldn't be made to choose, but what good could they bring to all of your lives? It seems very little to me.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 15:17

Another reason I didnt allow them to take just one of my sons on a day out and not the other is because they used to try and gain my childrens affections over mine. My mother frequently undermined me, once when I asked them not to take them on their boat and they did. Too many other examples.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 15:17

They sound extremely unloving.

To have a quarrel like this over not being able to take out a young grandchild for a day .... so they make the grandchildren homeless with ony 6 weeks' notice ...... Nope.

I would actually agree that it would have been okay to take one grandchild out for the day then the other. But the way they have handled this could not possibly have been worse.

sorry, i find this outrageous!

Meerka · 07/03/2015 15:18

sorry crosspost, now i see why you didnt want them taking just one of them.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 15:21

After being given 6 wks to leave, I wrote to their solicitor asking for more time so we could get money together to private rent closeby hence keeping jobs and the boys were settled in school. We had a reply...the answer was no!.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 07/03/2015 15:23

I'm with your DH on this one

Fur6y · 07/03/2015 15:25

I wouldn't have anyone making me choose between them and my family. He doesn't have to speak to them but he shouldn't make you choose between him and them.

IMHO neither are coming across in a good light.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/03/2015 15:27

The best thing theyve ever done is evict you - it shows clearly in black and white how little they think of you and their grandchildren.

Better that, than a decade or more of mild passive aggressiveness that eats away.

Stay NC. IMO.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 15:33

Your DH is right that these are toxic people who will never enrich your life. He perhaps doesn't understand what decades of conditioning can do to people with toxic parents, and why even now you feel the tug of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) towards people who evicted you and your children without a word.

You say that loyalty to your husband involves 'paying a huge price'. What is that price? What do you lose by not having contact with your parents? They haven't changed.

If the price is the stress you feel at challenging your parents' dominance, that's a necessary pain for you to break free. It will get easier, but not if you resume contact.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 07/03/2015 15:34

Just want to say thank you for all the support, what a lovely bunch of people! brought tears to my eyes. Think what I need is help to deal with the shit theyve dealt me/us and their abusive narcissistic behaviour towards me. Antidepressants havent done anything but im hoping theres something out there.

OP posts:
DrSethHazlittMD · 07/03/2015 15:35

Amazed Cogito (normally a sound voice of reason) has said what she said. I couldn't ever consider resuming any form of relationship with someone who evicted not only their own daughter but their own grandchildren out.

PacificDogwood · 07/03/2015 15:38

Tablets will never sort that level of dysfunctional relationships and communication out.
At best medication will get you to a position of strength from which you can tackle this mess.

I agree with those who say that your DH could be more understanding about how difficult this is for you, but I agree that I really don't see why you should try to have a relationship with your parents.
You can consider allowing them contact with the children IF that is in the DCs best interest, not to appease your parents.

See your GP and ask for a referral for counselling or psychological therapies to sort through your complex thoughts and feelings regarding your parents and wider family.

Vivacia · 07/03/2015 15:39

Try CBT OP.