Gonna have to choose between family or husband

[MummyBtothree]

To cut a very long story short I havent spoken to my parents for 4 years now. To cut it short, my husband & I had a disagreement with them regarding our children & we didnt speak for a year. Both parties were being stubborn & because we wouldnt 'give in' to what they wanted we received an eviction notice to leave their property in 6 wks (they owned the house we were living in). Needless to say it was a big show of power & we left without a word. 4 years on we havent spoke, they want to sort things out but my husbands view is if I would ever consider reconciliation with them it makes me as bad as them & I should be loyal to him and our kids. The eviction did mean loss of jobs and having to move miles away where the council could house us and huge upheaval for our children. Im absolutely torn as life is short. Whichever way I turn im upsetting people. Im trying to keep our family unit together, be loyal to my husband but paying a huge price. My heads like a ticking time bomb and im struggling

".....but they only want me to contact them on my own, not my husband."

If you accept their bidding, it could drive a massive wedge between you and your husband.

Also agree with Lemon about a repeat performance down the line, because in effect they would have got away with it in quite some order, and also because bitterness usually gets worse with age.

Just as they tried to divide your children to create a conflict which would give them the upper hand, now they are trying to do it with you and your DH.

I think you'd be better off spending some time learning about the dynamics of toxic families. Then you will see their tactics for what they are. And the FOG will begin to lift.

I agree with Cog. I understand why your DH doesn't want to resume contact, but they're your parents and the decision must come from you.

If you can put your DH's views and your FOG to one side for a moment, think about why you want to resume contact. They undermined you to your DC. They made you homeless and jobless over a minor dispute and, rather than plead forgiveness, they've got everyone on their side and sent the winged-monkeys to do their bidding for them. Can you honestly see them changing or bringing anything good to your lives?

Oh and the reason they wanted you to resume contact without your DH is because they know they can work you like a puppet and they don't have that power over your DH.

If you do decide to keep contact, then I think one of the conditions is that they -must- accept your husband and you come as a pair. No arguments, no subtle little attempts to get you on your own.

Your husband has your back, you say. That's very good news.

Also if you do get back in touch, could I recommend two things:

1. Wait until you have had skilled therapy for some time. At the moment there is so much emotion tied up with them/family. Good therapy helps you find clarity and practical solutions. When you feel ready to and that you can deal with them on your own terms, then you contact them. It's absolutely liberating when people realise that you are now grown up and willing to walk away and so they treat you a million times better.

2. more importantly, do not let them have the children on their own.

Regarding the wider family, might it be ok to have written - letter contact with your grandmother? You can say something from the start like "you're not ready yet to have contact with your parents, it's very hard to come to terms with the fact that they made you and your children homeless, but that you miss her and would like to write occasionally".

it -is- hard to be totally cut off. (although like I say, I'd never forgive a pair who made my children homeless).

Im definitely going to do some research on toxic parents and narcissism. Does anybody know if there are any support groups or anything similar for people with narcissistic parents?. Ive heard there are on facebook but I dont use facebook.

I am sure there are but haven't bookmarked them unfortunately :s

the sites I do have:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201302/was-your-dad-narcissist

www.lightshouse.org/index.html#axzz2lOp91lSf particularly here and here.

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

another here

and here thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2014/08/5-sneaky-things-narcissists-do-to-take-advantage-of-you/

Some of them are written from the pov of avoiding narcissistic men, but there might still be some good stuff in.

I believe there is a very good site out there about children of narcissistic parents but couldnt offhand find it sorry

(as a note, im not very keen on saying someone is narcissistic unless there is a formal diagnosis usually; it's a real medical and very serious condition. I dont know if your parents are genuinely narcissists ofc; but from what you write it's clear they are uber-controlling, manipulative and ruthlessly vindictive. Quite enough to be going on with really!)

Just to double post, going to quote again from perfectstorm's perfect summary:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

I know the reason behind the evict controlling and ridiculous . And they could prevent this whole mess if they learn to respect you ... but after a year, I still don't think they are entirely wrong to evict if the family haven't move out at their own will (I am still stuck on how is a owner is going to keep an eye on their place if no one is going to speak to each other). A year of silent treatment is too long. I am only saying this because you and your husband stayed there for a year after the fall out, knowing the family is like this. Did both of you had plans to take action to move forward if they never evicted you?

I disagree with the notion that the OP's DH shouldn't mandate no contact.

Firstly the actions of his PIL impacted the whole family significantly. Secondly a condition of contact is just with the OP.

IF they were truly contrite and mended their ways any reconciliation would start with a sincere apology to the whole family and not just the OP. Equally they wouldn't be turning family members against the OP - they would be accepting full responsibility for the rift and encouraging an uptake of normal relations with the rest of the family - not masterminding more guilt based blackmail and setting conditions about who they deign to speak to going forward.

If my PIL were behaving thus and my DH wanted to get in contact with them if be pretty pissed off tbh and likely make some sort of ultimatum.

I wouldn't want them round my family in any capacity - however limited. Some things are unforgivable. This didn't "go too far" - it was well beyond that when the eviction was served and the killer blow was not even extending the time so they could find somewhere else. What they did was despicable.

Meerka, thank you sincerely xx

You said earlier that they consider you to be a 'disappointment from birth', which makes me think that you have been their scapegoat all your life. If that's the case then there's a good chance that the reason the other members of the family want you back in the fold is because they are used to you taking the blame for everything. Their lives (especially your brother's life) may be much more uncomfortable because they are having to deal with your parents' toxic attitude. A more objective person might realise that whatever annoyance they are experiencing from your parents is only a fraction of what you have had for your whole life, but they are probably too involved to see the bigger picture and can only see that if you were back then your parents would stop making their lives more miserable.

It's very hard, but if you can truly accept, it's them not you, you will find more peace. They have not been kind to you. They have made a choice. You didn't force them. You sound like a kind, nice person. Don't feel you have to bend over to accommodate people who have not been kind to you. Even though they're your parents.

yes, isn't life nicer when you're not the target of nastiness? Even if you don't quite realise that you're getting it because the usual target has slipped away. Or even that you don't realise how much the target soaked up for you.

They wanted to evict their daughter & baby grandchildren, then sent in their flying monkeys to attack you, your family & your marriage.
These people have no moral compass.
Tell them to Foxtrot Oscar to the far side of the dance floor.
Sorry op, but I can't see why you'd want to expose your children to them.
To accept you & your children but not your DH is despicable.
If you got married in Church, I'm sure that the vicar calls on the people present to support the marriage & asks them to promise, "we will." DH & DC are your flesh & blood now. I'm sure that you'd never treat your DC or DGCh like that.

I agree with all of Meerka's advice in the post at 18.10.

Read the book "Toxic Parents", look up the resources PPs have shared, and most importantly: get counselling. Only when you've sorted your head out should you even consider getting back in contact with them (and even then It should be very limited, with conditions).
Good luck

My mother said when I was born she sobbed when she first set eyes on me as she couldnt believe that she'd given birth to something so ugly, I reminded her of a hobgoblin apparently. Lovely woman.

MummyB your last post tells you all you need to know about your mother. Mine used to tell me she wanted to throw me out of the window. Nice people eh?

Your DH is protecting you. Which is why they want you on your own. But they don't care one jot about you. Think of it this way, could you evict your dcs and make them lose their jobs? No.

You are the scapegoat. Your family of origin (foo) will not treat you right... Ever. However making the choice to go no contact is a difficult one when you're in the situation. I know as I've been there. Can I say that I felt utter relief when I finally chose nc. I have never regretted it. NC needs to be your choice though.

I would say categorically do not leave your dcs alone with your FOO. They will not bd a good influence. Please protect your children from their dysfunction.

I'm glad you have a supportive dh. Best of luck.

She had a photo of me in her purse of me aged 16. She worked at a sixth form college & one day it fell out her purse on the floor. One of the teachers asked if it was me (her daughter) and she said no, its my niece. She said she said that out of embarrassment as I had my hair cropped short at the time and she didnt want people to think I was a lesbian. I was blissfully unaware of this until several years ago after too much wine she told everyone at a family party and was laughing thinking it was amusing. I wanted to die.

so ... she didnt value you at all, in fact didnt want you ... but at the same time when she says jump you're expected to ask How High?

were there any good points? (seriously asking)

You do know that her behaviour is well beyond 'normal'? Are you remembering things that you'd forgotten or having nightmares? I know I did both of these things around the time of nc.

If it helps you, write them out (just make sure you don't out yourself on mn if that's a concern).

There's some lovely people on here xxx

Holy fucking shit

I've only read your posts op, so I imagine that his has been suggested by ^ posters (skimming tells me that many of the posters on here often give excellent advice)

Have a look at FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Despite being NC for 4 years (which IMHO is completely justified btw - your parents sound like abusive arseholes) you are still surrounded by FOG.

There is a fabulous thread in relationships - the stately homes thread - where there are other posters in similar positions.

Sometimes you have to do what is right for you and yours. Fwiw I'm NC with a narc aunt and her enabler husband who, for a couple of particular reasons, are trying to worm their way back in. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and your family.

Oh dear OP - your mum sounds truly awful

It's really sad to read how your parents have made you feel.

It's not you that's ugly - it's them.

It sounds like you have a supportive DH which is good.

Save your time and love for people who deserve it.