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Original poster

Worried about dd

106 replies

loupylou2u · 04/03/2015 21:25

I've name changed for this as it's quite specific and will out me if anyone I know reads it.

My dd is 15 and has recently joined a kind of club where she has found a new hobby which she loves and is progressing extremely well with.

She has a kind of mentor there who is a man the same age as me. He was married, has a DS from a previous relationship and is in a relationship.

Dd has become quite close to him. He's training her so obviously they spend a lot of time together, and he has started giving her a lift home sometimes, as well as helping her with a subject she struggles with at school. This takes place at our house so I'm always around.

They chat on an instant messaging app too, and use a chat group related to the activity that they do.

I feel a little uneasy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I feel that feeling uneasy about it sounds horrible because he's helping her. I'm grateful that he looks out for her and that he uses some of his spare time to help her.

She has self esteem issues and anxiety issues and feels able to talk to him about things that she can't talk to me about. I feel that this makes her vulnerable.

Once again, I don't know if this makes me unreasonable but if my husband was behaving like this with a 15yo girl I wouldn't like it.

The club that she goes to welcomes me, I have met and chatted with staff and I'm confident that she is well supervised there. It helps her calm down when she's anxious, helps build her confidence and makes her happy. I don't want to take that away from her.

Any thoughts appreciated, even if only to point me in the direction of my grip.

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 04/03/2015 21:35

Just wanted to bump it for you as I have no useful advise but it sounds like you need one. It's a tricky situation and I think many parents would feel the way you do.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 04/03/2015 21:54

It's so difficult to say, he might be just a lovely helpful person or he might have issues with boundaries or it might be even worse. Also, your dd may have a crush on him.

I think the thing that would make me slightly nervous is that most men in their thirties or forties would perhaps realise it could look a bit compromising to be always giving lifts/helping out/listening to confidences from a 15 year old girl. One of these things would be normal, I think, but all three start to suggest an emotional relationship which isn't appropriate- he shouldn't be encouraging her to talk about things with him and not you, even though I know a listening ear is nice. If he is a bit fuzzy about his boundaries and your dd is vulnerable, then it could easily slip over into inappropriateness.

I don't think it necessarily will, or is, and I'm sure there are plenty of nice men giving lifts to 15 year old girls without any ill intent, my husband would for example, but he wouldn't then offer to help with more things or encourage a young girl to look on him as a confidante. Or he has helped a friend with tutoring, but only with the parents present and would then not be offering lifts.

Does this make sense? I guess my worry would be the dependence this is creating and the potential for hurt feelings even if he is not interested in her. He needs really clear boundaries, and I wonder if you could talk to him about that or say you want to encourage more friends of his own age, have you any advice. He may see through your vague warning, but that's ok, if he's all above board, he won't hesitate to step back a bit, if he's not and actually is getting overly involved you will find out.

Onceinaverybluemoon · 04/03/2015 22:11

Please, please trust your instinct on this. The hair on the back of my neck rose when i read this. I was abused by someone at aged 15 and a lot of what you described happened to me. My abuser was a a sports coach/teacher who would give me lifts to and from sports training. He took many detours along the way home. He also gave me grinds in my own home while my parents were present. He was abusing me in one room while they were in another.Abusers like him fool everyone into thinking they are the pillars of society.My abuse went on for two years and has had a lasting effect on my life some 25 years later.If you feel uncomfortable about this situation then act on it now.I never told a soul because my abuser threatened to kill himself if i did. You can never be too careful in situations like this...

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 04/03/2015 22:40

Hi, we've moved this thread over to Relationships at the OP's request.

Topseyt · 04/03/2015 22:52

I don't think I would be comfortable with this relationship. It sounds too full on and that may make it inappropriate.

Listen to your gut instinct if it is telling you something may not be right.

CunningCat · 04/03/2015 23:00

Your post made me feel uneasy. Your DD is vulnerable and at an impressionable age, especially as she has self esteem and anxiety issues. Anyone working with young people should practice appropriate boundaries and be very aware of the importance of safe guarding. This seems to be amiss here.

Bakeoffcake · 04/03/2015 23:08

My 2DDs are a little older, but no, I wouldn't like this going on with them when they were 17. The thing is he is legitimately spending a lot of them with her- helping with her school work and her hobby. It's difficult.

Can I ask- does he go out go his way to give her a lift home or does he go past your house anyway?

The "chatting" on social media- what is it about?

YvetteChauvire · 04/03/2015 23:08

Gut instincts are there for a reason.

I think this man is extremely foolish and crossing boundaries.

Your daughter is obviously very, very vulnerable and unfortunately men with nefarious intent tend to target girls just like her. As highlighted by Onceinaverybluemoon post abusers will sometimes commit their crimes in plain sight.

StaceyAndTracey · 04/03/2015 23:14

Ask the person in charge of the club for a copy of their child protection policy. It should cover many of then things you have mentioned

  • giving lifts to kids alone
  • having kids phone numbers
  • chatting to them on chat rooms

All of these woudl not be allowed in the youth organisations that my children are part of.

The club will have a person who is designated as their child protection officer ( or similar title )

AnyFucker · 04/03/2015 23:17

I would not allow this. Some worrying behaviours exhibited by this man Can you say what the activity is ?

nicenewdusters · 04/03/2015 23:21

This just seems like too much involvement/interest to me.

Obviously she'll see him at the club, but there's no need for lifts and messaging etc. Also, how did it come about that he's helping her with a school subject ? Is he an ex-teacher, tutor, are you paying him for this ?

I think in today's climate most men would actively step away from this level of involvement. The fact he's present in so much of her life suggests either poor judgement or possibly something worse.

Definitely trust your instincts.

StaceyAndTracey · 04/03/2015 23:24

For example, here is the safeguarding policy that must be followed by every badminton club in the county . You will see that under section 5 " practices never to be sanctioned " it specifically mentions

  • transporting young people alone in cars
-private messaging

www.badmintonengland.co.uk/core/core_picker/download.asp?id=17036&filetitle=Safeguarding+and+Protecting+Young+People+Policy+2015%2Epdf

Other sports and youth clubs will have similar policies .

You need to get the document for your DDs club and then arrange a meeting with the relevant person . It's their job to tackle this directly with their employee / volunteer . Your DD doesn't need to know about this or be involved .

SilenceInTheLibrary · 04/03/2015 23:31

I would be very suspicious. I would be very uneasy about lifts home and instant messaging each other/chatrooms. Do you see the messages?

I would definitely put a stop to that. In fact, I would become extremely 'interested' in every aspect of this and ensure they were not alone together.

Sorry. Sad

SilenceInTheLibrary · 04/03/2015 23:34

And what StaceyandTracey said.

viva100 · 04/03/2015 23:51

Your post made me feel uneasy too. He is much too involved. The instant messaging especially sounds dubious, he's a coach not a friend. I really cannot think of any reasonable explanation for an unrelated, grown man to be so close to a 15 year old. Teenage girls are very impressionable abd your DD sounds particularly vulnerable. You should put a stop to this. He shouldn't be helping her with anything outside of the club, shouldn't be giving her lifts and absolutely shouldn't be messaging her. And I also don't think she should get a say in this btw.

blueberrypie0112 · 05/03/2015 05:32

I think social media and phone calls/text is going too far. Although my son's karate teacher had a facebook page which is fine to me. And I don't think he should be taking kids home either as he is a teacher.

ChipDip · 05/03/2015 05:53

Sorry it's very inappropriate and I would not be allowing this. He can help her at the club , there's no need for all the 'extras'.

phoenixrose314 · 05/03/2015 06:08

I agree, the post made me uneasy. This man may have the best of intentions but 15 year old girls are so very vulnerable - I myself fell in love with a male teacher at school at the age of 14 because he showed genuine concern and interest for me (I was severely depressed), it began innocently but by the time I was 17 he obviously realised he had feelings for me and cut off contact and moved away - I was heartbroken. We spoke about it many years later when I was an adult. I was lucky he was one of the good ones who didn't take advantage - but it could have easily gone awry.

There are a lot of easy ways to nip this in the bud without making anybody uncomfortable (much).

I would insist that you pick your own daughter up and drop her off, cutting their "alone time" right down to nothing - work your schedules however you can to make it possible. And I would also take this man aside and tell him in no uncertain times (albeit politely) that you are uncomfortable with his messaging your daughter on WhatsApp, that you feel it breaks some professional boundaries, and you want him to stop. If he seems to protest, tell him you will inform his line managers (presumably there is a manager of the club your daughter attends).

Your priority is to keep your daughter safe, and you should trust your instincts - if he is genuine he will understand this.

mummytime · 05/03/2015 06:21

No to lifts.
Explain to your DD why she should not be messaging or facebook friends with adults except parents (or those you have pre-approved). Talk about why it is unsafe for him and maybe esafety lessons they have done at school?

Is your DD a bit young for her age? Because mine would find this strange behaviour.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 06:58

I'm very surprised that he thinks this is an ok way to behave.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 07:01

I hope you feel empowered by the responses above - you have the safeguarding guidelines of similar situations and the testimony of a woman who has been in your daughter's position.

What are you going to do next?

CPtart · 05/03/2015 07:02

As student nurse aged 18 I was often given lifts home by my mentor on a particular placement. A middle aged man, who was assigned to me with my studies during that time. He was very friendly, etc, and often rang me at home (no social media then) in the guise of support. I thought nothing of it, but when the placement ended and I moved on he bombarded me with letters about his intimate feelings for me. I had been so naive and I was older than your DD.
I agree this man sounds overly involved and I would put a stop to all the extras too.

MythicalKings · 05/03/2015 07:12

This makes me so sad. The suspicion and doubts.

My father was a teacher and youth worker and was a mentor to many troubled young people during his long career. To think that doubts would be cast on his motivation these days makes me feel sick.

Some people just like helping young people and care about them. I had literally hundreds of letters from grateful former pupils and their parents after he died.

Yes, keep an eye on the situation but if everything is out in the open and you are welcomed at the club and by this man be glad someone cares enough to help your daughter.

mummytime · 05/03/2015 07:24

MythicalKings - there are guidelines and rules nowadays, they protect both young people and those working with them. They didn't exist in your father's day and it was more dangerous for both sides.

What would you do if one of those young people made an accusation against your Dad, now?

The behaviour could be "innocent" but as he is breaking rules/guidelines then it seem less than innocent. However sticking to the guidelines makes everyone safer.

Camembertha · 05/03/2015 07:24

Trust your instincts and put some boundaries in place.

Like no texting/private communications. Hard to do, but can you explain it just isn't appropriate for a man, any man, to forge a close bond with a girl who is vulnerable.

Have a chat with the man too, and find another tutor, in a more formal setting.

I remember being 15 and vulnerable and both my physio and my piano teacher started to cross the line.... Ever so slighly, a hand on the shoulder, the hand sliding down ever so slightly, almost absentmindedly...(as if)....

My DH is a teacher and coach and knows exactly where the boundaries are, when being with a teen girl, and he would never dream of texting privately, for example, or if ever being alone with her.