Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Worried about dd

106 replies

loupylou2u · 04/03/2015 21:25

I've name changed for this as it's quite specific and will out me if anyone I know reads it.

My dd is 15 and has recently joined a kind of club where she has found a new hobby which she loves and is progressing extremely well with.

She has a kind of mentor there who is a man the same age as me. He was married, has a DS from a previous relationship and is in a relationship.

Dd has become quite close to him. He's training her so obviously they spend a lot of time together, and he has started giving her a lift home sometimes, as well as helping her with a subject she struggles with at school. This takes place at our house so I'm always around.

They chat on an instant messaging app too, and use a chat group related to the activity that they do.

I feel a little uneasy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I feel that feeling uneasy about it sounds horrible because he's helping her. I'm grateful that he looks out for her and that he uses some of his spare time to help her.

She has self esteem issues and anxiety issues and feels able to talk to him about things that she can't talk to me about. I feel that this makes her vulnerable.

Once again, I don't know if this makes me unreasonable but if my husband was behaving like this with a 15yo girl I wouldn't like it.

The club that she goes to welcomes me, I have met and chatted with staff and I'm confident that she is well supervised there. It helps her calm down when she's anxious, helps build her confidence and makes her happy. I don't want to take that away from her.

Any thoughts appreciated, even if only to point me in the direction of my grip.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 05/03/2015 07:26

Mythical what did you think about Onceinaverybluemoon's contribution?

We are surrounded by adults caring for and supporting children and young people. That doesn't free them from a duty to behave sensibly and responsibly.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 07:28

Also, OP I would talk to your daughter as the young adult she is becoming. Don't treat her as a child to be protected from her own naivety so much as a person capable of understanding the need for safe guarding. One day soon she may well be the adult in a similar position of responsibility.

Goneintohibernation · 05/03/2015 07:38

Have you seen the content of the instant messaging chat? I would be very wary of this situation. If it doesn't seem right to you, then it probably isn't. At the very least the man involved is showing some massive errors of judgement. What does your DD say about the relationship?

MythicalKings · 05/03/2015 07:39

My dad didn't drive so there were no lifts to give. He was only ever alone with young people when in a place where the door was left wide open and anyone could enter at any time, a school classroom. Or, more likely, sitting talking quietly with them in the corner of a room where there were other people present.

I'm very sad for what happened to Onceinaverybluemoon. It was horrible but unusual. It seems that today some people think it is the norm for those who work with young people to abuse them. Or to suspect the motivation of people who choose to work with young people.

No one would accuse him of anything now, Camembertha, because he never behaved inappropriately and there would be hundreds of people who could say so. There were several occasions when young people disclosed to him about abuse.

Of course he was careful and responsible. He also helped a great many troubled young people. It makes me sad to think that there are people today who would want to help but daren't for fear of suspicion.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 07:41

so, MK, do you think op has nothing to be concerned about and she should ignore her feelings on this matter ?

MythicalKings · 05/03/2015 07:45

I said in my first post that she should monitor the situation. And keep everything out in the open.

Camembertha · 05/03/2015 07:51

I mentioned my music teacher, physio and now also remember my driving instructor putting his hand on my thighs.

It really is bloody rife.

My parents always told me to be polite. So I squirmed but said nothing.

Have you spoken to your daughter about hiw to deal with unwanted attention? In general, not just with this one bloke?
To say loudly "please do not touch me", to be assertive wrt boundaries?!

SilenceInTheLibrary · 05/03/2015 07:56

MythicalKings - in that case, your father is not really comparable to the man in the OP, who is behaving inappropriately, imo.

My driving instructor was slightly inappropriate to me at 17. I didn't realise at the time, and never said anything to anyone, but I didn't like it and I remember thinking 'if I have a daughter I'll make sure she has a female instructor'. He used to lean his knee into the gear stick, so when I changed gear, my hand would be rammed against his knee.He used to ask me about my 'lovelife' and talk about himself 'the the shower'. Nothing more serious, thank god, but he was just pushing the boundaries with a 17yr old girl.

mummytime · 05/03/2015 07:59

MK - it is for both parties that boundaries need to be put in place. The adult needs to protect themselves from being unjustly accused. The young person needs to be protected from potential "groomers".

If the boundaries and guidelines are in place and observed then adults and young people can interact perfectly safely.

Your Dad knew that - thats why he kept a door open etc.

I don't think some blurring of the boundaries is that unusual - did you really not have any dodgy teachers at school (the ones you wore high neck jumpers for?), never had someone grab you on the tube? never refused a lift from someone because they made you feel uncomfortable?

TheChickenSituation · 05/03/2015 07:59

MythicalKings, you can't say, on the one hand: 'It was horrible but unusual.

And then say on the other: There were several occasions when young people disclosed to him about abuse.

Which is it...?

I think we're only beginning to realise the scale to which abuse was brushed under the carpet in ye olden days.

As others have said, a combination of the way this man is behaving makes for very uneasy reading. Helping is one thing, but a 15-YO girl's boundaries are in danger of being seriously eroded.

MythicalKings · 05/03/2015 08:02

Of course I can say that. Several occasions out of hundreds and hundreds, maybe thousands, of conversations is unusual.

TheChickenSituation · 05/03/2015 08:06

You have no idea of the conversations that took place. And the people actually disclosing the abuse would have been the tip of the iceberg.

How do you account for the fact that, and I quote, 'he also helped a great many troubled young people'...?

Duckdeamon · 05/03/2015 08:06

As pps have said speak to the child protection person at the activity asap and tell them what has been happening. Bet they aren't aware of and won't condone lifts, social media, private chats etc.

TheChickenSituation · 05/03/2015 08:07

Essentially, you are downplaying the OP's concern by projecting your father's situation onto hers.

It's not really on.

JannerBird · 05/03/2015 08:07

Please listen to your gut instinct. It's there for a reason.

Watchmestumble · 05/03/2015 08:15

No way would I be happy about this. He is definitely overstepping the mark at least, potentially grooming her at most. No to the lifts, no to the messaging and no to pretending to help her with her studies. Employ a private tutor for that.

Report him and if necessary tell him to back off.

I know of a teenage girl who was groomed by her sports tutor and it reached court, the press etc.

Tryharder · 05/03/2015 08:20

I don't see why this man cannot continue to be a fantastic support and mentor without the need for the lifts, extra tuition and messages etc

At best he is foolish and inappropriate, at worst, he is grooming your daughter.

You have been given some marvellous advice regarding safeguarding. If 'innocent', this man can continue to be a source of support during practice times. I cannot understand for a second why he would think it normal to be texting with a young girl out of hours, or why he would even want to. Does he not have a wife and children of his own?

Rebecca2014 · 05/03/2015 08:21

Sounds like grooming to me.

MythicalKings · 05/03/2015 08:56

Chicken why are you cross examining me?

How do you account for the fact that, and I quote, 'he also helped a great many troubled young people'...?

What a strange question.

I can account for it from reading the letters written to me after he died. I can account for it in the gratitude of 2 parents whose son attempted suicide and was about to try again and my dad talked him down. Some people really do just care and want to help with no other motivation. If you can't accept that I feel really sorry for you.

I reiterate, I think the OP should monitor the situation and talk to her DD. I also think that there are some good people in the world.

Vivacia · 05/03/2015 09:14

I think that there's a real danger here that this could start to feel like an attack on Mythical and her dad.

I don't think that anyone is accusing your dad, Mythical, just pointing out that his story is not relevant to the situation here, there are perhaps some inconsistencies in what you have related, and it is therefore not helpful to the OP.

Onceinaverybluemoon · 05/03/2015 09:25

OP,

You have been given some amazing advice here and it is no coincidence that 99% of the responses are saying this situation does not sit well with them. My parents were totally preoccupied when my abuse was happening. A sibling of mine was going through a tough time and as a result their attention was on her and not me.As a parent now i can see how easily this can happen. Abuse is the worst thing you would ever want to happen to your child so please, listen to all of the replies and do the right thing.I have 2 dd's of similar age to yours and like any young girls they struggle sometimes BUT its my responsibilty to help them through their tough times and i would never expect or allow any man (aside from their dad ) to make them feel special or loved or even talented.

I wish i could articulate my experience of sexual abuse at the age of 14/15 so parents could be more aware of it and how it happens. All i can say is it's not a touch here and a kiss there. It might start off like that but before long its full blown rape and your life has changed forever..

Good luck op, i genuinely hope its none of the above for your dd. x

Onceinaverybluemoon · 05/03/2015 09:35

PS

MYTHICAL,

I think its great you have such positive memories of your dad and all the people he has helped. Its always nice to hear of genuine kind and caring professionals. I myself have a very fond memory of my English teacher. He was a pure gentleman with a love of his subject and everyone he ever taught respected and cared for him. When he died it became very obvious how many lives he touched. Thank God for the ying and yang of life.It teaches us that for every bad expericence there is always a good one too. x

flora717 · 05/03/2015 09:43

This really does unnerve me. It makes me remember the constant innuendo from my driving instructor. (One comment still sticks in my head about the gearstick and asked if I'd hold my boyfriend that way). It was creepy and akward. A mere year later I'd have given him a death glare or just changed instructor. But even I as a confident enough 17 year old was too embarassed. Fortunately the akwardness seemed to be all he wanted to achieve. But I remember staring at his hand on my knee. Maybe if I'd responded. Well. I dread to think.
If my daughter was in this situation I'd probably directly approach this man about child protection policies. And ask if lifts / private chats are appropriate.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/03/2015 09:45

This is a difficult one, but my instinct would be to reduce contact.

I have been in similar situations, one which was abusive, one which wasn't.

When I was in middle school (approx. 12) there was a teaching assistant who was about 24. He would chat to us, give us lifts home and sometimes hang out with us at the weekends. Nothing ever happened, I never felt threatened or that his behaviour was inappropriate. I only questioned it when I was questioned by teachers at high school a year or so later due to him having been reported due to his close relationship with the children. In his case I think he was just lonely and had no friends, and that young teenagers thought he was cool because he could drive etc.

Another one was my piano teacher. He was an abusive pervert who would be sexually inappropriate in my own home! I was 15 at the time, so knew it was wrong. My mother wouldn't do anything about it because he gave us discounted lessons Hmm We (my sisters and I) told my dad and he got rid of him.

It is difficult to know the intentions of some people. I would air on the side of caution though and reduce the contact they have. I'm not even sure if he is legally allowed to give lifts to pupils.

sakura · 05/03/2015 09:47

I would be freaking out, tbh. He has already gained her trust and has taken their friendship far further than is appropriate.