Worried about dd

[loupylou2u]

I've name changed for this as it's quite specific and will out me if anyone I know reads it.

My dd is 15 and has recently joined a kind of club where she has found a new hobby which she loves and is progressing extremely well with.

She has a kind of mentor there who is a man the same age as me. He was married, has a DS from a previous relationship and is in a relationship.

Dd has become quite close to him. He's training her so obviously they spend a lot of time together, and he has started giving her a lift home sometimes, as well as helping her with a subject she struggles with at school. This takes place at our house so I'm always around.

They chat on an instant messaging app too, and use a chat group related to the activity that they do.

I feel a little uneasy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I feel that feeling uneasy about it sounds horrible because he's helping her. I'm grateful that he looks out for her and that he uses some of his spare time to help her.

She has self esteem issues and anxiety issues and feels able to talk to him about things that she can't talk to me about. I feel that this makes her vulnerable.

Once again, I don't know if this makes me unreasonable but if my husband was behaving like this with a 15yo girl I wouldn't like it.

The club that she goes to welcomes me, I have met and chatted with staff and I'm confident that she is well supervised there. It helps her calm down when she's anxious, helps build her confidence and makes her happy. I don't want to take that away from her.

Any thoughts appreciated, even if only to point me in the direction of my grip.

I've got no idea why some on this thread are so invested in defending this guy. The mother is worried. That's all the info you need.

Those implying Paranoia and Hysteria because a mother is concerned about their teenage daughter aren't the ones who will have to deal with the fall out in case this guy is, essentially, a predator.

He's acting like a predator. If he isn't , he shouldn't behave like one.

I am a teacher and would only ever give a lift to a pupil if I absolutely had to eg for their safety/if they were ill and had cleared it with the parent first and I would take another member of staff or pupils with me.

Right, giving lifts or chatting on social media should be a rare, last resort thing for coaches and teachers if no other options are available.

Thank you all so much for your advice and for sharing your own experiences. I'm genuinely sorry that some of you have been through so much.

Mythical - your dad sounds amazing, you must be so proud of him.

So to give a bit more info:

Dd is the youngest there. Majority of people who go there are boys. Management are aware of her age and have spoken to the guys about the fact that she is just 15 etc and warned them about inappropriate behaviour. It's well supervised and if there are any issues at all management let me know. There was one incident which was handled exceptionally well. The guy training dd (I'll call him x) says that he watches out for dd, makes sure she's ok. Dd had a boyfriend for a little while but they broke up and he hassled her a bit - x kept an eye on that situation.

It's not a sport that she's training for, it's not mainstream but there is an annual championships thing and that's what dd is trying to get to. When she trains there's lots of other people about, staff included. People gather round to watch so dd and x are never alone there. She gets there by bus and either I pick her up or x drops her off.

Dd has been badly bullied at school and has had a huge amount if time off. She is intent though on getting her GCSE's and going to college. There are 2 subjects she can't get to grips with - they are x's best subjects so he offered to help her study. This has only taken place once, at our home, in the family room - no alone time at all.

Having spoken to him on my own he says that dd has much potential in the hobby, thinks that encouraging her is good for her self esteem. She gets lots of encouragement and support from all at the club and this is the first thing she has stuck with.

To answer some questions:

X does go out of his way to drop dd home, but only by literally 5 minutes. Will sometimes come in for a cuppa. It takes me half an hour there and back to pick her up.

Chatting on whatsapp is about the hobby, school, exams, friends.

The activity she does is physical but not an actual sport and the place she goes to is more like the old youth clubs.

X is not a volunteer or tutor or anything else. He owns part of the business as far as I know. Dd is not young for her age - she has always got on better with older people - possibly due to her being an only child? She's bright and articulate and I'm positive that if she felt uncomfortable at all she would say something. I've always discussed boundries with her - touching inappropriately etc.

I spoke with her last night and explained that I'm uncomfortable with the situation. I explained that she is to accept no further lifts at all. She got a little embarrassed but didn't argue.

So that's the lifts out of the way. Now i know I'm not being unreasonable thanks to all of you

Ok OP my alarm bells are ringing now.

My heart just sank when i read your last post op. It's great that you no longer think the lifts are unacceptable but there is still so many alarm bells ringing for me. Why did you think it was ok for this man to look out for your dd after she broke up with her boyfriend ?I don't want to sound rude but what business is it of his in the first place. Strange. My abuser went out of his way to befriend my family and was always there to "help out ".He would often call to my home for a cup of tea. Another alarm bell rang for me when you said your dd was embarassed when you told her no more lifts. Thats exactly how i used to feel if anyone ever said anything about my abuser. Embarassed, like i was doing something wrong and not him. Of course this is just my opinion based on my experience. Others may think differently after your last post...

OP I was your daughter 10 years ago.

I've never referred to him as my abuser and have never told any one this before.
He was a member of staff at my school (but not a teacher) and befriended me at 13 years old. He made me feel special, like an adult.
He encouraged me to talk to him via messenger apps and we had a password for when it was unsafe to talk (if others were around/using the phone)! He would drop me to and from a club that he ran with many detours on the way.
He went to lengths to befriend my family and me his.
I was very loyal to him although many friends and staff questioned our relationship. He was once questioned by child services and they visited my house. The case was dropped and he was found innocent (mostly due to my loyalty to him) He continued working alongside children for many years after this.

My mother left around the same age as this started and he prayed on my weakness and loneliness. After 3 years of emotionally grooming me I left school and we moved on to a sexual relationship.
Alarm Bells are ringing.
Please do not ignore them.

I agree with what Sakura said earlier. Whether his intentions are innocent or not, he shouldn't be grooming your daughter in this way.

And, to be honest, whether you get free tuition, saved a 30 minute drive and reinforcement that your daughter is mature, bright, articulate and able to deal with the adult situations you are putting her in are all irrelevant.

I think the thing is that unless this guy has had his head in a bucket for the last few years then he should know that what he is doing is inappropriate.

IMO raise this with the organisation. You can say that you are concerned. They can then speak with him.

Speaking up will protect him if he is innocent, it will protect your DD. It will also give a heads up to the organisation to remind them to be more robust with their various helpers. This one may just be naive but a lax culture will allow a predator to thrive.

I'd be worried tbh. Dropping her home isn't too much of an issue to me (although maybe I'll feel differently when my daughters are the same age) but the extra attention she's getting outside of this is not on. As Gnome says, things like this are all over the news at the moment and any normal man wouldn't put themselves in a position to be questioned about their motives. Why on earth would a grown man want to chat to a 15 year old girl outside of an organised setting such as the training she is doing? Perhaps a 15 year old boy can be related to, but a girl? Nope, not normal at all.

Reading this took me back to high school, one of my best friends joined an activity type club when we were in first year, she became extremelely close to the mentor, she was 13 he was 25 I think, he used to give her a lift home and they used to txt all day, this went on all the way through high school, she stopped going out after school and he started picking her up instead of her getting the bus home, I remember telling my mum about it but she said it wasnt up to her to get involved, the friends mum seemed ok with it although I dont know how much she knew. Throughout high school we asked lots of times if he was her boyfriend to which she strongly denied, then on the day of her 16th birthday like magic they were boyfriend and girlfriend, he was 28 then. This had obviously been going on the whole time but I honestly feel he groomed her, they are still together now but the whole thing makes me feel uneasy, trust your instinct

I'm going to contact my he manager and ask him to meet with me. I'm going to discuss all of my concerns with him. I think he will understand where I'm coming from and perhaps he will have a chat with x and raise my concerns with him.

I don't want to stop her from training - I think she gains a lot from it and I do think it's helping her feel more positive about herself.

I'm also pondering showing her this thread - what do you think? Maybe it will help if she can see that other mothers think my concerns are justified?

The ex boyfriend goes to the same club as dd and has been a bit funny with her there, that's why x and others have been keeping an eye on things between them.

he is overly invested, for whatever reason.

wtf about looking out for the boyfriend (body guarding her?)

Doesn't matter if the lift is 5 minutes or 10, or 20

The whatsapping/txting about the hobby is not essential.

If my DC were what sapping/txting their sensei, I'd think that was weird. Even if they'd be talking karate.

This guy is making himself the most important person your DD's life...

I think this thread will just scare her, maybe unnecessarily.And she'll just think : "Oh, but they don't really know him like I do"

I think it's reassuring to hear that you're taking this seriously. If nothing else, you are protecting this man from false allegations or interpretations. What are you going to do about the use of social media?

Personally, I would not show your daughter this thread. This is a parental issue, not a teen's issue. You are protecting your daughter because you are her parent, not because other parents are telling you to.

I think if you feel uncomfortable with any aspect of the situation then that is all there is to consider. You, her mother, don't feel comfortable. I'm sure you are not a person given to wild thoughts about every man you meet, you sound calm, rational and sensible. So you feel uncomfortable because this man is doing something, or maybe several things, that are ringing alarm bells for you. He may be nice, he may not be, none of us know, but it really doesn't matter. All that matters is that you don't like what is happening. You don't need to justify this in your mind, or establish guilt or not, this man is not on trial. You just need to act according to your instincts about your child.
btw, several years ago I was in a situation where a local man's behaviour towards my two small daughters made me feel very uncomfortable indeed. I posted on here and many posters accused me of being the sort of person who sees an abuser in any man who so much as says hello to a toddler, (not the case at all). But several others said "trust yourself". And I did. I keep my daughters away from this man when we bump into him, and I also told them clearly that DH and I didn't trust him, that we didn't know him, and about the difference between someone who one says hello to on the street and a true trusted friend. My dds were very little, yours is a teenager, but I think you can put clear boundries in place, and explain to her why, and not feel at all as though you need to justify these to the man in question. If he is decent he will understand why you need to be careful with your dd, and if he isn't decent then it is good that you are careful.

I think you have had some good comments on here. I particularly agree with the statement that it doesn't actually matter if your concerns are founded or not at this stage, you are not suggesting that this man is put on trial or intending to publically accuse him of anything - you are uncomfortable with a situation relevant to your child. That in of itself is enough for you to take action to ensure that there is no opportunity for you daughters safety to be compromised.

A few thoughts of my own - your DD needs to know that you are on her side. Men who exploit teenagers thrive on secrecy 'you and I against the world' so try not to come down hard on your DD and be careful what you share with her about your suspicions in case you find yourself accidently playing into a tactic of his (suggestions of jealousy, you not understanding her, implying that you are separating them out of spite). Men who are invested in grooming a child are often bolshy and shameless in getting what they want - he may not shy away from a full blown confrontation on 'how you could think such a thing of him' and try to embarrass you into letting him have access to your daughter again. The action of a man who is genuinely fond of your daughter and trying to help her, on realising he had without question crossed a line even without meaing to, would be one of embarrassment and contrition. If he tries to talk you round, engage your DD despite this or in fact drops her entirely..well I would think that you had your answer. Therefore you have NOTHING to lose by pointing out that certain actions are contradictory to guidelines when working with children.

He part-owns the organisation? That's not good.

Why would he say the subjects DD wants help with are his "best subjects"? Most adults that age forget school stuff unless the subjects are in an area they work in. Suggest no further "help" of that kind from him.

Do not involve your daughter in this in any way.dont show her the thread .dont tell her it's HER job to repel the advances of this man . It's not . It's the job of the adults round about her to keep her safe .

What are you going to do about the social media contact ? This man contacting her is not appropriate . Can you explain why you think it's

• normal for a man in his 30s or 40s to be chatting with kids online ?
• ok for this man to not comply with normal child protection guidelines?
• ok for a middle aged man to be involved in the love life of a 15yo girl ?

Your comments about how " mature " your daughter is do not reassure me , they make me more worried .

Please understand ,you CANNOT tell if this man is an a user by trying to decide if he's a " nice guy " or " genuine " .abusers are mostly all " nice guys" - that's how they get access to kids or vulnerable adults .

You need to judge him by his ACTIONS. They are not appropriate . I'm glad to hear you are meeting the designated safeguarding person . Please get an undertaking from them as to what action they will take and when they will report back to you .

And stop inviting him in for cofffee

Again, what StaceyandTracey said.

Please listen to her, OP. Don't show your dd this thread.

Coming to your family home to do the tutoring is part of the grooming, oh look at me, I've got nothing to hide.

That long post you write on this page sounds as if you are defending him/explaining his actions. He's got you hoodwinked too.

Even if he is genuine (and I don't think he is) what a stupid man, what is he playing at? He needs to be stopped for his own protection.

If he is not a tutor but owns the place, he might see himself as exempt from all the safeguarding procedures that should be in place. He's got it all worked out.

That's what am worried about needalifecoach. But surely there are some kind of safeguarding measures for circumstances where someone senior might be an abuser? NSPCC? charity commission? Trustees? (Lots of youth organisations are charities).

what do you mean you plan to speak to "my he manager" OP?

If he's not a volunteer or tutor as you say, maybe he hasn't even been DBS checked.