Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was doing so well and now this

119 replies

hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:36

split from h 3 weeks ago and being really strong. He had been treating me like shit for the last few years and it all came to a head and I threw him out. He has now sent me this!!

To my darling .... ( I hope you don't mind me calling you that)
I understand how much I have hurt you and let you down. For that I will be eternally sorry and ashamed. For all the things I have said and done previously that have led to the same result also.
I have had to take a very hard long and honest look at the person I have become and realise that I have become very unloving and unlovable. Again I am very sorry you have had to endure this. It is not fair or acceptable. I blame myself completely.
As I look back over my life I truly realise that you are the one person that has given me the very best of things in my life. I cannot envisage a future without you in it.
I look at the future ahead and realise that without you it would be empty and soulless.
I have no right to ask and hesitate in doing so but I fall on my knees and beg from the bottom of my heart for you to forgive me and consider taking me back. I promise you with very part of my being I have changed. I now truly realise exactly what I want and need in life. I would make it my life's mission to try to make you happy every day. You would be the first and last thing on my mind every single day. I cannot explain it well enough but the pleasures in every day life that I have not got for a long time if I every fully did hit like a train when they are ripped away from you. Again I am responsible for that and in honesty stupidly thought that was what I wanted.
Everything I am accused of I am guilty of and have no excuse
I love you deeply and lost my perspective on that very fact. Again I cannot tell you how deeply this experience has affected me but it is for the good no matter what the outcome. I only hope no matter what you decide and I will stand by your decision that we can be friends and work some kind on future for the better.
I love you truly madly deeply and wish it to be you and me facing the future together
All my love always
Mrhide

Opinions please? I tried so hard to sort things when we were together and got no where. He disregarded my feelings and was always chatting up young girls. This has thrown me

OP posts:
arlagirl · 28/02/2015 08:38

Words, words, words.....
He is obviously feeling lonely and struggling on his own.
Misses having someone to look after him and control.

Ignore it.

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:39

Yes I kind of thought the same but I am a soft person

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 28/02/2015 08:40

My first thought is why couldn't he have thought of all that when you were together? If he really cared, he wouldn't have treated you so badly in the first place. He wants to get back with you so he's got his nice home and domestic services reinstated, then he'll continue as before. Sounds cynical but that's what I think.

Bluestocking · 28/02/2015 08:40

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Can you block his texts and emails so you don't get any more of this spam?

What are your plans for the day? Can you do something sociable and distracting to take your mind off it?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/02/2015 08:40

From an outside perspective it sounds like a load of impersonal clichéd crap.

MuttonCadet · 28/02/2015 08:41

Honestly, I think he's saying what he thinks you want to hear to get his comfortable life back.

calzone · 28/02/2015 08:41

Or the shock of you kicking him out has made him re-evaluate how he feels about you and wants to make amends.

How do you feel about him?
Do you want him back?

kittybiscuits · 28/02/2015 08:44

Please think long and hard before you respond to this message OP. He could have written this any day - ANY Day at all that he decided to face up to himself. But he didn't. He waited until you had absolutely had enough and drew a line. And then he did it. He hasn't even put enough thought into it to consider why he has been abusive. I have changed....how, why? I would be extremely wary and give yourself at least a week to respond at all. He is saying exactly what he thinks he needs to say to get you back. Is he usually manipulative? He seems quite well versed in the art form to me. Hold tight x

springlamb · 28/02/2015 08:44

He's not offering up any actual solutions though is he (either single or joint ones).
The likeliest scenario if you reconsider is that he'll be on Very Best Behaviour for a month then things will be exactly as they were. That'll be another six months of your new life you won't get back.

kittybiscuits · 28/02/2015 08:45

MuttonCadet said it much more succinctly!

GoatsDoRoam · 28/02/2015 08:46

So, you could be miserable for YEARS and he couldn't give a crap, but he's alone for 3 WEEKS and you should now take pity on him?

Seems like it's still all about him, in or out of the marriage.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 28/02/2015 08:46

My ex sent me a letter like that the first time I tried to break up with him.
The second time I tried he threatened to kill himself.
It took me, in the end, nearly eight years of emotional abuse before I finally had the strength to go.
So based on my own experiences I would say ignore it. As someone else has said, it's just words.

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:48

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

He is trying to manipulate you. It's just words. Think of the way he's treated you. Keep that thought in the forefront of your mind. He does not deserve you. How can he possibly have changed? It's been THREE WEEKS.

Has he actually made any tangible changes that would tell you if he means any of those words?

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:55

You are all saying what I think deep down I knew.
He had lots of chances in the past and wasnt bothered. I think it softened me cos he is saying all the words I was desperate to hear when we were together.
He never said I love you etc, Never!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 08:56

Any big decision comes with a few doubts. Fair play to him, he's timed his mea culpa letter very well. Just at the point where you're feeling lonely and vulnerable. I suggest you don't respond but think about it for a week or two..... and at the same time think about the reality of why you split.

No rush....

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:57

Agree, do not reply. Sit on it. Do not feel sorry for him.

DeliciousMonster · 28/02/2015 08:57

Aw bless. Poor little baba.

Were you the first and last thing on his mind when he was trying to play Mr Hide the Sausage with young girls? Doubt it.

My reply - something along the lines of 'Ba hahahaha. Nice one. Are you thinking of entering a fiction competition or sotin?'

Note: you WOULD BE the first and last thing I thought about...not you ARE the first and last thing blah de blah.

whattheholyfeck · 28/02/2015 08:59

Hi Delicious! Smile

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:59

Were you the first and last thing on his mind when he was trying to play Mr Hide the Sausage with young girls? Doubt it.

That really made me laugh!

OP posts:
Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 09:06

Bluestocking I am working today

Calzone I cant bear the thought of him kissing me again etc

I am so glad I posted this I nearly didn't. I actually considered meeting for lunch tomorrow to talk. Thanks for talking some sense back in to me

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 28/02/2015 09:06

Had to reply to this.

I split from my DH 3 and half weeks ago and this is exactly the stuff he says every time he comes round to see the DC. He didn't "get" it before when I was desperately unhappy for years. When I begged him to try marriage counselling. But now he does.

And as a nice person (which I think I am) I am finding it hard to have the strength to keep saying no.

My DH never was interested in young girls but he was a miserable git. Which I have only just realised now he isn't here! He has done many things which I need to forgive him for if we were to stay together, I don't think I can do that.

Do you love yours? Do you want to make another go of it?

Lucked · 28/02/2015 09:12

I don't know the backstory but has he even been honest with you and come clean about all his crap. It sounds like he was a cheat has he admitted to it all etc.

That letter sounds like what he thinks you want to hear not actual soul searching. You could ask him to try again that you want another truthful letter without all the flowery bs

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 09:12

Toast sorry you are going through this too.
I love the man he used to be but he left a few years back, mine was a miserable git too but a letch as well!
Yes I like you am too nice for my own good sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 09:14

He has been totally honest and said he would have cheated but he got turned down the night that caused the split. Which to me is as good as cheating. The girl was the same age as my daughter

OP posts:
Thistledew · 28/02/2015 09:20

At the moment you have no reason to trust that those words are anything but empty words.

You also need time to adjust and settle in yourself as a single person, and it would be advisable not to start dating anyone at all for a couple of months at least.

If you do want to see whether you can make a go of things with your H then the best way would be to start dating again, rather than have him move in. Evaluate him afresh and take your time to decide if you can trust him, just as you would anyone else.

Tell your H that you can't trust his words right now, that you want to stay single for a while anyway but if you feel like it you might consider going on a date with him later in the year (not necessarily exclusively). See how he reacts. If he is in the slightest bit genuine in what he has said then he will respect your wishes and not try to infringe the boundaries you have now set up.