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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was doing so well and now this

119 replies

hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:36

split from h 3 weeks ago and being really strong. He had been treating me like shit for the last few years and it all came to a head and I threw him out. He has now sent me this!!

To my darling .... ( I hope you don't mind me calling you that)
I understand how much I have hurt you and let you down. For that I will be eternally sorry and ashamed. For all the things I have said and done previously that have led to the same result also.
I have had to take a very hard long and honest look at the person I have become and realise that I have become very unloving and unlovable. Again I am very sorry you have had to endure this. It is not fair or acceptable. I blame myself completely.
As I look back over my life I truly realise that you are the one person that has given me the very best of things in my life. I cannot envisage a future without you in it.
I look at the future ahead and realise that without you it would be empty and soulless.
I have no right to ask and hesitate in doing so but I fall on my knees and beg from the bottom of my heart for you to forgive me and consider taking me back. I promise you with very part of my being I have changed. I now truly realise exactly what I want and need in life. I would make it my life's mission to try to make you happy every day. You would be the first and last thing on my mind every single day. I cannot explain it well enough but the pleasures in every day life that I have not got for a long time if I every fully did hit like a train when they are ripped away from you. Again I am responsible for that and in honesty stupidly thought that was what I wanted.
Everything I am accused of I am guilty of and have no excuse
I love you deeply and lost my perspective on that very fact. Again I cannot tell you how deeply this experience has affected me but it is for the good no matter what the outcome. I only hope no matter what you decide and I will stand by your decision that we can be friends and work some kind on future for the better.
I love you truly madly deeply and wish it to be you and me facing the future together
All my love always
Mrhide

Opinions please? I tried so hard to sort things when we were together and got no where. He disregarded my feelings and was always chatting up young girls. This has thrown me

OP posts:
Yambabe · 01/03/2015 13:46

I would reply to him in similar vein:

Dear Ex

I am glad to hear that you have used this time apart to realise and regret your own inadequacies as a partner. I am pleased that you understand that our split was entirely your fault and that your behaviour towards me was unacceptable. I appreciate and accept your apology, as I also blame you completely.

This space has also given me chance to have a long hard look at myself and my life and to realise that I spent many years loving you and waiting for you to show me love back. I realise that although I have had my own problems, you are the one person that I should have been able to rely on for help, support and understanding but actually all you did was sap my confidence and make my problems worse.

Much as I might enjoy seeing you on your knees I will not be taking you back. I don't need you to make me happy every day, since you left I have BEEN happy every day because you have not been around to suck the joy out of my life.

I too feel like I have been through a train wreck, but I consider myself to be the lucky survivor who walked away with barely a scratch.

I will always have affection for you and I carry some happy memories from the time we shared, but you loving me deeply is irrelevant because I do not love you at all.

I do not think at this point that we can be friends, although that may come at some time in the future. The wounds you inflicted are still too raw, and although I can forgive you I cannot forget and I will not go back.

Wishing you a happy life.

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 13:51

Yamabe thanks for taking the trouble to write that, it says all I feel but wouldnt know how to say

No Alice I think they are just being nosy

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 01/03/2015 13:52

Skimming this, but looking at his letter there is an awful lot of 'I' and not much 'you'.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 14:07

hide you don't have to share anything you don't want to

your friends sound a bit nosey

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 14:18

I know Any it has shocked me, they start the conversation normally and then almost immediately start saying, have you heard from h, where is he, blah blah.
I try to skim over it but it is really getting my back up now

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 14:19

ugh

are these meant to be good friends of yours ?

sounds like they just want to tittle tattle over the latest bit of dirt

I would distance yourself a bit from them

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 14:30

I am Any, one of them rang earlier saying how about coffee and I put her off and straight away she was asking questions again

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 14:46

good move, she was obviously hoping to pump you for more information during "coffee"

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 14:47

without a doubt Any

OP posts:
Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 15:14

Looks like I will losing a few friends as well as H

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 15:41

There are over 7 billion people in the world. You will find other friends!

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 15:50

You have made some new ones on here

ones that want the best for you, not simply an opportunity to knit at the guillotine Smile

JenniferGovernment · 01/03/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldgrandmama · 01/03/2015 18:43

What JenniferGovernment just suggested above. Brilliant advice! That'll stop your 'friends' dead in their tracks.

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 19:40

Love your logic Jennifer will be using that in future, thanks
And Any you have been great thanks
And delicious too!
Thank you so much for keeping me going was weakening earlier. He texted he needs a good hot meal and misses my Sunday roasts, Always turned his nose up when he was here!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 19:51

he isn't missing you, he is missing his home comforts

what a fucking insult

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 20:01

Bang on actually any, Wants to do his washing here and eat my cooking not missing me as a person!

OP posts:
thenextday · 01/03/2015 20:06

I am having texts from STBExH who is not coping well, hinting about "ending it all".
Refusing to answer simple questions about things in the house just to be awkward.
Pathetic

He can't bear the notion that he can't control me any more or that I am happy without him.

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 20:10

Thenextday they are all pathetic and seem to run to a pattern
Hope you are ok

OP posts:
thenextday · 01/03/2015 20:19

Yes thanks..just ignoring him. I would be so angry with him if he did anything. Attention seeking.

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 20:39

Hopefully just threats, keep strong

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 01/03/2015 20:41

hidethemirror I am sorry you have had all that.

The older I get, the more I am convinced that one of the most overriding factors in many men's desires is convenience. It's really inconvenient for women to disrupt men's easy lives by calling them on their bullshit and throwing them out, so of course they are hugely upset and long to return. There isn't a shred of evidence that in this case he'd change his behaviour, though, so I'd want a lot more evidence than one self-pitying message before I'd let him anywhere back near me.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 01/03/2015 20:55

I had two letters like this when I left an abusive ex. One for each occasion I left. I went back on both occasions and on both occasions he nearly went bug eyed trying to be the person that he had described in the letters. He failed both times. The first time he turned back into an abusive tosser within two weeks and the second time in ten days. The strain of treating me as an equal let alone as someone he purported to love nearly killed him both times. I left in the end as I got to the point where I couldn't even imagine looking at him let alone anything more. It was years ago but if anyone mentions him my heart starts to race and I feel vulnerable. He can't change in three weeks. He may even have got a mate to write his latest effort. Washingmachinegate should tell you all you need to know.
To quote a well known MNetter they are just 'words on a screen'

Namechanger2015 · 01/03/2015 21:03

I left my DH 4.5 weeks ago and have also been receiving similar messages.

It's so hard to resist them and has really been messing with my head.
I spoke to my counsellor who suggested that whilst it's great he is saying these things, I shouldn't trust anything until I see firm actions from him to back up this apparent change.

It's been two weeks now and he has done a lot of talking and promising, but the more I go back to his unacceptable past behaviour and ask him to explain it, the angrier and more irrational he gets.
It's the same old bullshit, it's surprising how they all behave in the same way Sad

FantasticButtocks · 01/03/2015 21:15

He is texting about laundry and your home cooking? He couldn't get much more insulting. And this is him demonstrating his remorse and sorrow is it? Like hell it is Angry