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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was doing so well and now this

119 replies

hidethemirrortoday · 28/02/2015 08:36

split from h 3 weeks ago and being really strong. He had been treating me like shit for the last few years and it all came to a head and I threw him out. He has now sent me this!!

To my darling .... ( I hope you don't mind me calling you that)
I understand how much I have hurt you and let you down. For that I will be eternally sorry and ashamed. For all the things I have said and done previously that have led to the same result also.
I have had to take a very hard long and honest look at the person I have become and realise that I have become very unloving and unlovable. Again I am very sorry you have had to endure this. It is not fair or acceptable. I blame myself completely.
As I look back over my life I truly realise that you are the one person that has given me the very best of things in my life. I cannot envisage a future without you in it.
I look at the future ahead and realise that without you it would be empty and soulless.
I have no right to ask and hesitate in doing so but I fall on my knees and beg from the bottom of my heart for you to forgive me and consider taking me back. I promise you with very part of my being I have changed. I now truly realise exactly what I want and need in life. I would make it my life's mission to try to make you happy every day. You would be the first and last thing on my mind every single day. I cannot explain it well enough but the pleasures in every day life that I have not got for a long time if I every fully did hit like a train when they are ripped away from you. Again I am responsible for that and in honesty stupidly thought that was what I wanted.
Everything I am accused of I am guilty of and have no excuse
I love you deeply and lost my perspective on that very fact. Again I cannot tell you how deeply this experience has affected me but it is for the good no matter what the outcome. I only hope no matter what you decide and I will stand by your decision that we can be friends and work some kind on future for the better.
I love you truly madly deeply and wish it to be you and me facing the future together
All my love always
Mrhide

Opinions please? I tried so hard to sort things when we were together and got no where. He disregarded my feelings and was always chatting up young girls. This has thrown me

OP posts:
Toastandstrawberryjam · 28/02/2015 09:29

When my DH says stuff like this I instantly fall back into trying to keep him happy, which has been my response for years. I expect you are the same. its what I wanted to hear 5 years ago when I was desperately unhappy but he didn't want to know then.

A friend told me I should imagine going to bed with him again. If that seems ok, then there's still something there. To me the thought fills me with revulsion, so how can I go back?!!!

Are your children ok? Mine are the happiest they have been in years. All 3 have said they don't want daddy back unless he can change (and the eldest doesn't even say that!). But truthfully I know he won't change, he would come back and be the same man he was.

I think it's here he misses most. Is yours the same? The family, the security, the comfort. It's not me. I'm just part of the furnishings.

pictish · 28/02/2015 09:39

I understand why this has swayed you and made you reconsider, but really, they're just words that sound good aren't they?
I mean..."you would be the first and last thing on my mind every single day" isn't even a thing is it? I don't think of dh when I wake up or before I go to sleep...and I couldn't promise that I would. But yes, it sounds very romantic.

Look - he has just realised it's shit being on his puff and he has brought it on himself, that's all. There's no one to chat to, wash his socks and share dinner with before he trots off to chat up some young thing to boost his ego.

You made how you felt about his nonsense very clear, and he didn't give a shit. He's had his chances and he blew them all. Now he's bored, and thinks overblown promises he cannot and will not keep will be all it takes to alleviate it.

Never judge a person by what they say but by what they do.

pictish · 28/02/2015 09:56

So, you could be miserable for YEARS and he couldn't give a crap, but he's alone for 3 WEEKS and you should now take pity on him?

Quite. He knew how his behaviour was impacting on you but did nothing to change it...yet now that your decision is impacting on him, it's declarations of regret and assurances that he has changed. Pah.

This letter is not motivated by love, but self preservation. If he actually loved and respected you, you wouldn't be where you are now.

Brandnewstart · 28/02/2015 14:16

I had the same sort of letter after we split because he was having an affair. But it was just empty words and self indulgence. I am the softest person going but when I asked him to actually step up he couldn't. He is now with the OW because it's easier than the hard work of rebuilding a marriage.

Recently, he sent me an email saying perhaps if he has made a mistake I will be able to forgive him and try again in the future... I read this as if they split up, and everybody had forgotten what he's done, he might consider me as a poor second best... At this point I told him I would rather be on my own forever than dealing with his shit.

Actions speak louder than words.

Brandnewstart · 28/02/2015 14:18

If he comes back rest assured he will be looking for a way out. You will be a good security blanket until he finds it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but IMO it's the truth.

DeliciousMonster · 28/02/2015 15:56

Hi Delicious!

Waves at holyfuck<

How do.

KittiKat · 28/02/2015 16:08

Please don't do as I have done. Stick to your guns. You said you cannot bear the thought of kissing him and that to me is a HUGE statement.

Even though I have been separated 3 1/2 years, like you I am soft, I didn't want to hurt him any more than I had done by leaving him. The problem is, here I am 3 1/2 years later, still not divorced, still having him around and him still pulling at my heart strings over every little mishap that has happened to him.

I am "too nice" to file for divorce still due to the current problems HE is having.

Don't be like me, kick the Barsteward into touch and move on with YOUR life and do not be controlled by him and what he wants please.

He will emotionally bled you dry and he only wants you back because YOU told him you wanted out. If it had been the other way, he would not be looking back at all.

pocketsaviour · 28/02/2015 16:14

The common thread with the OP and with toast is that the guy didn't give a flying fuck when he was making you guys unhappy, he only gives a shit now that he's on his own.

Oh well, tough luck little man! Pull up your big boy pants and dry those tears, you pathetic specimen. God desperation is SO unattractive.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 16:21

where did he lift that from ?

The MoonPig guide to sucker your wife back in ?

Too little, too late. He should have thought about "morning and night" when he was treating you liek a piece of shit

Actions not words. m'dear. Always.

WaxOnWaxOff · 28/02/2015 16:22

Sounds to me like something he found on the Internet - a copy and paste job.

jonrotten · 28/02/2015 16:46

I got the same thing from my h last night.

I just replied "go away please".

Twats.

Balders74 · 28/02/2015 19:23

I split from my STBXH 2 months ago, he is still in the house but that is a whole different story. I spent years telling him I was unhappy etc. when I told him I wanted to split he was totally surprised!!!! And then came the letter, he said he'd had an epiphany a few weeks before about how he was treating people and was going to start making changes in the new year but I got in there first. I asked him where his epiphany was when he was bawling at all of us on Boxing Day????

When he gave me the letter I told him it would make no difference, threw it on the sofa & went to bed.

At this point he took off his wedding ring because he realised I was not going to change my mind. Still waiting for him to move out though.

Stay strong, they are just words. He had plenty of time to make changes when you were together and didn't!!

Sickoffrozen · 28/02/2015 20:04

"The girl he was hitting on was the same age as my daughter"

That in itself would be enough for me to close the door behind him and never open it again!

Stay strong, he sounds like a right tosser!

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 08:23

He had the cheek to text me and ask if can come to mine today and play with the grandchildren and do some washing!

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 01/03/2015 08:31

'I wondered what that was all about. And it was to get your washing done. Genius! Yellow pages might find you a launderette. HTH'.

MinceSpy · 01/03/2015 08:32

If there is any chance you'd like to repair the relationship then he needs to arrange and pay for couples counselling. If you definitely don't want a relationship with him then ignore all messages and get legal advice.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 08:37

Oh god he's a prize specimen. Tell him to get to a laundrette the lazy git.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2015 08:37

Couples counselling however, is never recommended where there has been any type of abuse within the relationship.

His letter and subsequent communication is all really about him. He has not taken any real responsibility for his actions here.

Tell him to find a launderette via the YP.

gamerchick · 01/03/2015 08:40

He's missing his home comforts and the house/home life . It's nothing to do with you.

I could go into the loft and bring down letters from my ex who treated me badly all saying more or less the same type of crap.

ignore the letter and tell him no to the coming over today. . He's just trying to manipulate you with words he think will work to get home so own way.

gamerchick · 01/03/2015 08:41

*his own way

Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 08:52

Toast our h seem to be identical!
No I couldnt bear to sleep with him the thought repulses me too. I am so glad I posted you all make so much sense.

I cant believe he called me darling on his letter either, took him all his time to call me by my name when we were together let alone an affectionate term
Feeling a bit shaky today but thats probably as I had a hard day at work yesterday. My head feels foggy too!

OP posts:
Original poster
hidethemirrortoday · 01/03/2015 08:54

I suggested a launderette and he asked me where there is one!
Cheeky git still trying to rely on me to sort his life out

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 01/03/2015 08:54

'I promise you with very part of my being I have changed'
In 3 weeks?!
The whole tone of his text/email is 'poor me'.
There is nothing of any substance there to show that he really has been reflecting on his behaviour.
All the reasons for throwing him out are still there.
And yes, with regards to washing - he is struggling with the consequences of his poor behaviour - missing the home comforts.
It is insulting that he thinks some flowery (sickly) words will allow him to worm his way back in.
Stay strong OP.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 01/03/2015 08:56

I had the pleasure of mine staying here last night (DC birthday today). That was awkward. He seemed to think it would be a case of watching tv together like old times and got the arse with me when I wouldn't.

Mine is going to counselling and for some reason the counsellor is telling him exactly what he wants to hear. Even suggesting that it's fixable if DH reads relationship books and goes to yoga classes.....

Sorry you feel foggy today. I'm a bit like that plus I have mine in the house too. It's all such hard work isn't it?

clearingaspaceforthecat · 01/03/2015 08:57

Stop engaging with him about stuff like that! Don't even make suggestions for him - it shows him that you are still there for him in some capacity.