Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

cross

What would make you happy in this situation?

Thanks for the explanataion.

But the job thing is crazy! It feels a bit like he's punishing himself (and actually by extension you/his kids) by doing this crappy job where he earns fuck all. Why is he doing that and not looking for something where he earns more and works fewer hours (I'm sorry to keep banging on about this but I don't get it).

I agree that you shouldn't pay for his work. I only mentioned that because people were comparing it to situations where people have kids together and one of them becomes the SAHM and this isn't the same.

I suppose the big issue here is what you want. You said in your OP that you want to 'save' your relationship. I'm still not clear how you think things are going to change unless you dress up as a long lost aunt :o

I agree with a pp - go work for tesco or the post office. Shorter hours, more convenient access. And more time to explore other options, contribute in other ways.

or just let him arrange flowers - its none of our business

Christina - what would make me happiest is if he found a better job and started pay half of costs and inviting me to nights out - not because I need financial respite but because it would restore his confidence.

Short of that, it would make me happy if he accepted my offer to pay for some more things to allow him to quit his current job and focus on better job search and re-qualification.

Okay then you need to talk to him, you have been together for a while so he must know that you don't think he is after your money. Working those hours for nothing is eventually going to be detrimental to both of you in a number of ways

It is likely that he will never earn what you do so he is going to have to accept that and work around it, however he can get a career that gives him satisfaction and he can contribute to the partnership in lots of ways...I am sure that it is not just money that you bring to the table

Talk to him

This has been helpful, thank you all. I think I'm going to go to sleep over it and then do some more thinking. For now, I take away the following:

1. I need to become more resilient to prejudice / sexism / judgement by people who pretend they want the best for me.
2. I need to talk to DP openly and voice my concerns
3. He needs to take charge of his own situation and ditch his current job for something better, accepting my help in the meantime.
4. We both need to relax and be happy for what we have, our beautiful home (whether officially mine or his), our loving relationship and wonderful happy and healthy DC (mine and his). What else would I want to spend my money on?

that is a very good outcome from this thread

5. Saturday is for Cava

don't do the pretendy inheritance, OP

that is a terrible idea

ok AnyFucker, idea dropped!

I think that all sounds good :)

And maybe if he had a job where he was earning a fair wage for a fair day's work rather than it being some kind of Sisyphean task, your friends and family would stop feeling concerned. I think you'd both be an awful lot happier too

If you get married, would you consider a prenup? Your thoughts about this might help you understand where you stand with him.

Great outcome. Have read this thread with interest. Best wishes OP

This all sounds very sensible.

I think you have both got yourself in a knot over what others thing- he's working ridiculous hours to show everyone he's still productive/can contribute and you were concerned about what others were saying too (just smile and say to your mum 'I'm happy, that's the main thing, don't you think?' and just turn away and ignore any other comments).

If you can see this is coming from outside, you have a happy home, there's no need to be defensive about it, and think how you can optimise his life and yours financially (by working differently, by keeping up your interests) then there's every reason to think you can be happy.

Do speak to him, though, as it may be he has been quite unhappy working these hours and thinks that's what you want/needs to prove himself.

Thank you Macavity Cat, I will . This is a great forum btw, I am so glad I tried it (for the first time).

Let us know how you get on

Interested in seeing how you decide to deal with this crossroads and wish you happiness.