Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

Twinklestein: yes is is exceptionally charming and an ace in bed but also an exceptionally kind and brilliant person (with lots of bad luck and some stupid decisions in the past). He is trying to get back into employment but with no degree and wrong sector this is easier said than done. He works in a different sector now, often 60+ hours a week, but the pay is miserable and swallowed up by debt repayment / maintenance.

If he was lazying about or spending money on himself / pub / luxuries etc I wouldn't respect him as I do. He spends every spare penny on our food shopping.

Just seen your message, no - don't give him an 'inheritance' FFS.

You need to help him get over his 'charming fecklessness' not entrench it.

Honstly, best thing you could do for him is be 'under threat of redundancy' - put some fire under him to get his shit together. Not being able to get back into old sector, things happen. Not making an effort to do something else, even if lower paid for 3 years, not really an option unless someone else is picking up the tab.

Look at it this way, even if he'd had to start at the bottom of a new industry 3 years ago earning very little (if he'd not had you to look after him), then he'd now have 3 years experience and 3 years of payrises. He'd be in a much better position now.

By 'looking after him' you've actually held him back. It seems his natural tendancy is to let someone else look after him and not be very motivated. If you dump an inheritance in his account, you'll remove any incentive he now might have due to embarrassment about you paying for things.

I am seriously considering secretly funneling an "inheritance" from some unknown great-aunt into his account - anyone have an idea how to do this?

I hope that's actually a joke! (I know it isn't and that's what makes me thingk there's a mother complex going on here for sure). Surely being in a relationship is about honestly and upfront discussing money, income and plans for the future.

The fact that you think the best way forward is to secretly sub him money, rather than him get a better job, says it all.

Don't think I'm not sympathetic about debts, redundancy I am. BUT he is living rent and bill free- so every single penny he makes he can pay back his debts (or even go bankrupt and clear them and start again as he's living with you). He can get a debt-management plan and pay way more than most people. So, if he can't clear his debts now, then when will that happen?

I'm with Mary I think he's being picky with jobs or you are letting him be picky with jobs (childcare? afterschool etc) otherwise he could get back in somewhere for an ok wage, given he doesn't have to pay anything whatsoever in living costs (and maintenance takes account of this).

You need to get him better debt repayment advice then. He needs to go on a debt repayment plan where the debts are frozen or on a lower rate. Or go bankrupt. He could have done this and be out the other side three years ago. If he doesn't want to own his own company, I would strongly recommend this course of action if paying them off is actually not a possibility.

If you genuinely want to mother him and throw away money, don't do it on tickets/holidays- pay off his debts for him. That would stop the huge interest repayments etc.

You both need decent financial advice. His 60 hr weeks are meaningless if they don't actually pay off the debt, despite as I say, being in the most optimal situation ever to repay them.

Don't worry what everyone else thinks, if he's right for you, that's great.

But do find out what you can do to get him out of debt and back in a decent career, given you are determined to mother him anyway!

thenapoleonofcrime (Macavity?): Of course I want to believe he would be with me if I lost my job and have nothing, and would have fallen in love with me if he was rich and I had nothing when I met him. Can you ever tell someone's motivations for sure? I have decided that I want to be with him and trust and believe him (otherwise wouldn't be happy).

But if you weren't subbing him, he wouldn't be able to be 'self-employed' would he? He'd have to go and get a proper job with a proper wage.

OP - I know about 3 professional successful women in relationships like yours. Their partners pursue their dreams of success in creative fields they're never going to make it in and are bankrolled by my friends to do so.

Your posts demonstrate that you're infantilising him which I don't think is healthy for either of you. And to say that it's a curse to choose to be with a feckless man is wrong. It's a choice.

Napoleon: he is on a debt plan. I have looked at his finances and there is nothing further he can do right now, other than keep looking for a better job (which he does). I could easily pay off all his debt but he won't allow me, he even insists on paying back (in small installments) money I have lent him previously.

OddFodd: you are right, of course it is a choice. The curse is to be judged for wanting to support your partner. I am not infantilising him (although I like the word) - he has helped me in many many ways, just not financially.

I wouldn't be prepared to support another adult financially for any length of time unless they were unable to work through disability. Fair enough help someone through a difficult time. But if you don't mind then that's up to you.

Viviennemary: the acute crisis is over, he does earn some money now and would theoretically be able to support himself with a very modest lifestyle. But I happen to live in an expensive house (the mortgage is twice his income) and want to eat good quality food, go on holidays etc. So it's either pay for his share or give up all this...

You are making a lot of excuses for him OP.

the irony that you get judged by people in your life and come on here to more of the same

At we are all strangers who don't know you I suppose so you can't take it personally as you would in reality. I'll do you the courtesy of granting you with enough intelligence to have thought about things for yourself though

If you are satisfied he's working to his full capacity, has all his debts in order and is paying them back the best he can, and is still looking for better work, where is the issue?

Is it really the gossip of others? Are they that interested in what you are up to? If so, just repeat 'thanks for your concern, we're a team' ad nauseum.

If it is about his pride in not letting you pay for anything, then I'm afraid you are going to have to let him have that. If he doesn't want your subsidised tickets, meals and holidays, that's fair enough. It is silly to say though as you do well, I won't go then. I think you need to live your life in a more expansive way- great to have him, great to take say a relative, or go with a friend or do other things. Why do you want to narrow everything to this one relationship? The people I know in the best relationships also have friends, colleagues, take the odd holiday separately, it's not that big an issue unless you make it one.

All 'deception' is ridiculous, from your 'free' tickets (is he quite stupid, no, then he knows) to your imaginary inheritance. This stuff is making an issue where there is none.

Plenty of people have wage disparity between the partners. I just am not seeing the issue here, if he's hard-working, does all he can and is a good partner for you in multiple ways.

If you have money to burn, a small secret inheritance might be a good idea. You'd find out what happens if he's not financially dependant on you and you'd also find out how much any windfall he received might be shared with you.

Although, I don't actually intend this as serious advice.

So, you live in the style you wish because you pay for it; he earns what he can - there is only an issue here if he contributes nothing - presuming of course you don't gift him an 'inheritance'. If at the moment, you feel your financial contribution is matched by his in kind contribution, then bunging him a load of cash would imbalance that and make him feel obligated. I don't see why you would do that, and FWIW, I think he is right to pay off his own debts (you are already helping by supporting him and his DC)

Plenty of people have wage disparity between the partners. I just am not seeing the issue here, if he's hard-working, does all he can and is a good partner for you in multiple ways.

This

Oh and I agree, do the things you want; if he joins you, good, If not find someone else to go

Is his self-employment a creative dream?

I'm more shocked by Namechange's defence of her brother, and her calling the woman her brother is exploiting 'pathetic'. 'It upsets me no end because I would rather see him with someone he is better suited to and truly loves' - er, what about this woman you're describing as having 'bought herself a boyfriend' who he is deluding?

And WTF with 'Women can get sex anywhere so the sexual dynamic isn't the same'? I certainly haven't been able to get sex anywhere. (And believe me, I was a terrific slapper back in the day.)

What a lot of sexist bollocks on this thread.

OP, if you're happy with the situation and confident that he's doing everything he can then that's the end of the story. FWIW I don't think there'd be the same scrutiny were the gender roles reversed, but that's the latent sexism of our society for ya.

Joysmum: I am actually grateful for all, incl. critical contributions on here (my first excursion onto MN) - at least the anonymity means people honestly speak their mind, unlike some of my "friends". And it is good to see different viewpoints.
Napoleon: thank you, you are so right. I take everything you say in your last post on board.
OddFodd: no, his self employment is a job he hates, very hard work, but the only thing he could find quickly which pays cash. He is also doing a re-qualification to enable him to seek permanent employment.

TastelesslyDone: Exactly. The problem is that DP himself buys into this sexism, feeling inferior male not being able to "provide" etc. I think many men feel like that, and the way I was brought up (by an independent strong single mum) I would also feel like that in his situation. It's not fun being financially dependent, even if you try to ignore it.

BTW: even if a woman chooses to "buy herself a man" and is conscious of it and that's what she wants - how is that a problem? Vice-versa, why is it apparently NOT a problem if a beautiful young woman marries an ugly old millionaire and waits for him to kick the bucket? Arguably, both is morally questionable (insofar as you think any form of prostitution is morally questionable) but perfectly legal and up to the free will of consenting adults...

I earn less than my DW, I couldn't afford the mortgage and bills and stuff on my own; in no way do I feel as if I'm sponging. All of our earnings end up in a joint account and outgoings leave from there.

I guess that when your finances are kept separate it shows up differences in income more overtly, but so what? It's only money, and if you're both pulling your weight and pulling in the same direction, relationship- and family-wise, then to hell with the medieval attitudes of those around you.

Of course, you're in the best position to judge all of that. Do so!

I don't think a big difference in income is a problem , but being dependent on someone is. There's constantly threads on here from people who would leave if it wasn't for finances. I stayed in my marriage much longer than I should have due to finances.