Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

143 replies

crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 11:44

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 17:32

If it is just friends and family that is bothering you then ignore them, but if there is a little niggle of doubt in you then that is a different thing altogether

Have you had a conversation with him about this, I wonder deep down how he feels about it. He must know what people think and say, how does he handle it?

cestlavielife · 27/02/2015 17:33

he isnt being a grown up - he is killing himself works full time PLUS evenings and weekends and on top of that is stopping you going out and enjoying yourself. ....

why does he do that?

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 17:35

I would say however that I think that it is unfair To comprise on things you want to do because of his financial situation, neither you nor your dd should be penalized for this

Thenapoleonofcrime · 27/02/2015 17:36

I very much doubt he earns less than unemployment benefits for a single man, these are extremely low (think £50 a week to live on plus capped housing benefit). If he honestly earns less than this for working 60 plus hours a week, I would tell him to stop and really think about what he can go into properly- media training for academics (this is very popular and courses not costly to set up), setting up courses/training, teaching media studies, tutoring, so on and so forth. It would be silly to keep doing a job which is physically demanding as he's getting older at less than the min wage, especially as you don't actually need him to do this as a household.

He needs to use his money wisely (and get debts paid off).

I still don't see the issue, if he works, if he pays his debts back, if he's contributing to the household and you are happy...apart from the odd snide comment from others, but who cares about them?

I would talk openly about the issues with money with him, about how you'd like to do more things but he doesn't want to- and how you can resolve this. Break the underlying unsaid tension over this and just be honest!

NameChangexyz · 27/02/2015 17:37

BTW: even if a woman chooses to "buy herself a man" and is conscious of it and that's what she wants - how is that a problem?

It's not but how many people are really conscious of it and accept it. Everyone wants to pretend they are loved. No one really wants to sit there thinking, I know he/she is only with me for my money.

My point about doing stuff on your own was not so that you keep doing it on your own but to get him to come around. As I understood it, he was now reluctant to come with you to "expensive" stuff and you had stopped doing things you liked.

If you say, "I want you to come with me but if you don't I'm going to go no my own" and do it, sooner or later he'll decide he should come with you.

I also hope the inheritance thing is a joke because if it isn't it says a lot of bad things about your relationship dynamic. Reading all of this makes your whole relationship sound emotionally draining; it's bad enough reading about it. It doesn't sound fun or a good/positive thing.

Not to be over analytical about it, but I wonder if at the root of this is actually a subconscious concern that your friends are right. You admit you have some concerns. I think it might actually be a raging and deep rooted concern that you have mentally papered over; you have written it off as a minor worry but actually it is your worst fear that you don't really want to properly confront so it gets buried. Otherwise wouldn't you just be more hardened to your friends comments?

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 17:38

NettleTea: I try not to sacrifice anything to do with DD. We have never done luxury things even before I met DP. I grew up with little money and I don't want to spoil her. But i did take her on a foreign holiday during half term while DP was working. It was sad though because we both missed him.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 27/02/2015 17:42

What happens in retirement, does he have a pension plan?

What happened when he lost his job, was he not paying maintenance then, how many children does he support?

Also, he works 60 hours a week including evenings and weekends and earns less than unemployment, really, that's less than about £65 a week???

I think it's time he found himself a job with some security - and better pay.

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 17:43

namechange

Agree totally, I think the op has some doubt and the friends comments are feeding that

OP I think one of the things that would concern me is that at nearly 50 with a career he had no savings etc to prevent him being homeless.

NameChangexyz · 27/02/2015 17:47

OP I think one of the things that would concern me is that at nearly 50 with a career he had no savings etc to prevent him being homeless.

I think it's time he found himself a job with some security - and better pay.

Well he doesn't need to does he. Someone said to me (this is a horrible phrase and I don't really want to relive it but it says it all ) about my brother "he's living off his dick". Nice huh?

TopOfTheCliff · 27/02/2015 17:50

I earn twice what my DP brings home but I persuaded him to take early retirement from a job he was hating to start up his own company doing his hobby from home. He is as happy as can be now, cooks me a lovely meal when I get home, and is able to do lots of DIY and housework for us.

To me that is being equal. We both pull our weight and he enhances my life more by being around at home than he did when he was a miserable wage slave.

I pay for holidays, for house improvements and purchases like cars. We share the bills and food buying and he is always first to buy drinks when we are out.

It works for us. I don't know or care what family and friends think.

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 17:51

NameChange: it's hard to accept but there is a lot of truth in your last post. Of course doubt creeps in against my will - does he love me (at least partly) for my money?? - and it's very destructive and emotionally draining. But do many people know for sure how much / why OH loves them? I chose to trust him, he has so many things going for him which I have never found in other men, no matter how rich, i want to be with him.

The "fake inheritance" idea is not so crazy and I would consider it seriously, btw, if it wasn't so difficult to stage. I know this will create a storm of objections, but I believe deception can be a means to a good end (in extreme situations). If it worked according to plan, he would never know where the money came from (hence no problems accepting it), could pay off his debt and contribute equally, take some time off to concentrate on finding a new job and get himself back on track. Eventually he would pay most of it "back" by being able to contribute more. And if he didn't, if he took the money and wandered off to a new woman - well, at least I would have certainty!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 27/02/2015 17:52

How did he become homeless - that's also important. He's not sounding very financially savvy or responsible.

Jan45 · 27/02/2015 17:54

So you are going to trick him with an inheritance plan, sorry but that's just mad and shows you are testing him so can't be that sure about his intentions.

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 17:56

Namechange: to be clear - I didn't mean your post about the nasty comments about your brother, but the previous one (can't keep up..). DP is a great lover, but I don't think he could "live off his dick" if he didn't have other qualities Grin

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 17:58

I don't think the inheritance plan is a good idea, what if he found out, where would that leave the relationship?

If you are so secure in this set up why are you thinking of ways to "even" it out? Either accept the situation or sit him down and talk about it

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 18:02

Jan45 - no he is not financially savvy or responsible. He was stupid to get himself in this situation. We talked about it and he's learned his lesson.

I had a "financially savvy", rich City banker for a partner once and I wouldn't want to swap him for DP for any of the luxuries we had. He bored me to death and was an arrogant idiot.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 27/02/2015 18:05

A couple live in a mahoosive house with gorgeous grounds.
Staff do the cleaning and gardening and cooking.

One of the pair works humungous hours and has a huge salary.

The other of the pair supervises the staff and has a hobby business that loses money hand over fist and an eye watering shopping habit.

I know three couples like this with three different sex combinations.

Its none of anybody else's business how you run your home.

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 18:06

Jan45: The fake "inheritance" is not meant to "test" him. It is meant to solve our problem. But I can't see it work in practical terms, he may have made many mistakes in the past but he is not stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 18:07

TalkinPeace: your post somehow made me feel much better Smile - you are so right!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/02/2015 18:19

It's entirely your business if you want to keep this cocklodger.

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 18:21

TopoftheCliff: thank you for your post as well. I wish this would work for us, but DP is so worried about being seen as a golddigger or a "lesser man". He works so much it makes him ill and he is too proud to accept anything. I think it's a "male insecurity" thing. The income discrepancy will always be big, if he makes it into a problem it will wear him down. I wish he'd stop working on this stupid job and take time for re-training, do more at home (he is great at DYI and teaches DD all kind of IT related things, for example) and relax. But his pride doesn't allow him.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 27/02/2015 18:25

crossroads
Items purchased by the non earning parties in each of the relationships ....
(a) a £15,000 handbag
(b) a £5,000 golf bag
(c) a £7,000 bicycle

Ignore the detractors and worry about your own relationship

Sandympj2 · 27/02/2015 18:26

Expatinscotland don't contribute aggressive posts. You should be able to contribute your thoughts in a polite way or not at all

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 18:27

Talk to him then, tell him you are worried about him, explain how you feel.....it's not the money that will cause problems it's leaving so much unsaid that will become an issue

Original poster
crossroadsorroundabouts · 27/02/2015 18:31

TalkinPeace - that's hilarious. For what it's worth, we have a small terraced cottage, no car and I ride DP's old bicycle to work. He owns a scooter (for work) and a PC he built himself. But we live in a nice part of London and of course that's financially insane, golf bags or not.

OP posts: